Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman whose daughter is caught in the web of a sociopath. The woman and her husband are not enabling the relationship—the sociopath, of course, wants money. They are hoping and praying that their daughter will escape.
Here is her question to other Lovefaud readers:
What was the “turning point,” “awakening moment,” “realization point,” that woke them up OUT of the fog, the gaslighting, etc., and what made them realize they needed to RUN, to get away from their sociopaths? Â What finally “did it,” what finally “broke the camel’s back?” Â Where they realized what was happening to them, had been done to them, when they finally realized things were NEVER going to “get better?”
There must be a “trigger” here somewhere. I’m just trying to grasp what it’s going to take. Â What is going to have to happen to jar her awake from this brainwashing/fog?
My experience
I remember the moment for me.
I knew my husband, James Montgomery, was lying to me, although I didn’t realize the extreme extent of the lies. I knew all my money was gone; my husband had spent about $227,000, much of it carelessly. I suspected he was cheating on me, and when I discovered proof, I left him.
Still, even after I left him, I thought my husband was just one of those guys who can’t stay faithful. I did not realize that my entire marriage was a scam right from the beginning.
The real moment of truth came when I called one of the women my husband appeared to be involved with. According to bank records I’d found, she had given him $6,000. The conversation went like this:
“I’m Donna Andersen. I’m James Montgomery’s wife, and I’d like to suggest that you don’t give him any more money.”
“It’s too late. I already gave him $92,000.”
I almost dropped the phone. And with that conversation, I realized that my husband had married me for the specific purpose of taking my money. That was all.
Your moment of truth
This reader has asked a really important question, one that may glean some possible approaches from helping people escape the sociopathic trap. So please post your experience.
What did it for you? When did you finally realize that you had to get out?
Thank you Hens:
I haven’t been with Jim since that weekend in early July. It took that huge humiliation to end it.
I think being cheated on repeatedly is the most disrespectful thing a partner can do to you. It happened to me BUT I stayed…chose to stay and forced myself to forgive or at least feel forgiving. No one had ever hurt me the way this man did. This is the only person I can honestly say I completely bared my soul to and loved and catered to. My breaking point was when he chose to dump me on my birthday, that was when I was forced to face the truth that this man totally had no respct for me , not an ounce of respect. After all I endured while we were together, he dumped and left me on my 39th birthday. I felt such outrage and all I could muster to say was; “How dare you do this to me?!!” Those were my parting words as I walked out of his house. Today after over 2 years I still cry, I am still in pain. You’d think I’d be over it by now but I feel so damaged. I don’t think I will ever feel whole again. He made me feel that I am simply a woman you leave behind and cheat on repeatedly and dump on her birthday – no worth…no value at all.
My best advise would be to try your best to be her friend. You can be angry at him and agree with her when she hates the way she is being treated by him, but make sure not to bash him to her. She has to leave him on her own, but she needs all the support and love she can get both before and afterwards. She needs to see that there is a life out there beyond him. Try to find things to do with her, even if he has to be included. Sometimes, the P will embarrass their victim just enough to help give a push to leave. No one likes being treated horrible by someone they love and whom is suposed to love them back. It is especially worse when they do it in front of others.
Also, if you want to be sneaky and you are able to do this, you might try to consider finding your daughter a new man that could hold her interest. Sometimes, people stay with awful people out of loneliness. They feel like no one could ever love them, and they don’t want to spend their lives alone.
We get convinced of all sorts of nonsense when dealing with the S/P/N, whether it is the terrorizer’s doing or our own. Later, we look back and want to kick our own butts for thinking the stupid stuff we were thinking.
Dear Deceived,
Your wholeness does NOT depend, cannot depend on HIM! He is NOT what makes you whole or worthwhile or valuable. YOU are what makes you whole, worthwhile and valuable.
Of course they want us to feel that THEY ARE VALUABLE and worthwhile—and by beating us down they try to convince themselves that they are compared to us valuable…but it is delusion on their part.
Without an audience to applaud or notice them, what would they be? They would be like an actor playing to an empty theater. But we do NOT HAVE TO BE THAT AUDIENCE, we do not have to applaud their performance—no matter how “good” they think their performance is, WE GET TO JUDGE IF IT IS GOOD OR NOT! Just as the actor is not his own critic, they cannot be their own critics. WE GET TO JUDGE what is right for ourselves, what is wrong with them…WE CAN VALIDATE OURSELVES and our own worth.
It took me a long time to realize that, but now I know the TRUTH. Just because Columbus was the ONLY man in the world who thought the world was round not flat, didn’t change the shape of the world.
TRUTH is truth, and we can be the only one who recognizes it, but it is still the truth! You do not have to “feel” whatever it is that he wants you to. You can control your own life and your own worth! Keep on learning! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
To KK
I remember when I was in my early 20’s. I was waitressing at a restaurant that was short-staffed. I was thrown into the responsibility of manager, when I didn’t have the position or authority of manager. I was told to “just show the new staff around”. I was training people, while I was waiting tables, washing dishes, busing tables, cashier, and had to ok purchases. I was doing all of this in one shift! This went on for weeks.
I was WORN OUT!
My mind was always spinning with remembering something I may have left undone.
Some guy came to the back door with boxes of tomatoes. He said Look at these beautiful red tomatoes! They were green.
I stared at the tomatoes like a deer in headlights and ok’d the order.
Thank you, Ox. I just want the hurting to stop but it won’t and I don’t know how to make it stop and go away. I am just tired of gritting my teeth through the pain…tired of living. I feel so defeated but I thank you for your encouragement and support.
Once I discovered the truth of my P was the turning point for me. I was lead to believe he was going through a divorce and we had a future together. All lies and he stole thousands of dollars from me and my family it was overwhelming, and so hard to believe once I found out all the true facts. Defiantly one big stab in the heart.
Now past a year I am finally feeling much better than before,keep moving forward and lots of hope and faith. God bless ……………..
My head just started spinning after posting that.
I think it just depends on the person. I don’t want to be treated badly by anyone. I do not want my children around people like that, so I can pick up and leave.I love my kids more than anyone and anything. I love them much more than I love myself, so it is easy for me to put their needs first. I want them to have the upbringing, love, and life I should have had as a child.
Now, that being said, my mother was not that way at all. There are so many people in this world that only see their needs. All you have to do is look at how people drive or act in stores. I am the person who will give my parking spot away to someone who wants to steal it first. I let people and big trucks change lanes. I give to homeless people, and I will help someone in need without saying a word. No, I don’t really get anything out of it. I just feel that any acts of kindness whether small or large make the world a better place. I would love to imagine everyone being kind to one another. It would be a world I would be proud to live in and have my children live in.
My mom is an N (mild), but seems so much like a lot of society. She never left her P’s. It didn’t matter how her children begged. The first one she stayed with for 12 years. He grew pot in his yard, and had the Hell’s Angels over partying all the time. I ate a tray of “magic brownies” when I was 3!!! She made us live with this man who used to beat her and try to light her on fire. He didn’t beat us, but he was cruel and we were so terrified of him. Nothing like waking up in the middle of the night to your mom screaming to get out and run. We even knew the drill. Wait down the road and she would come pick us up so we could go stay the night in a hotel. One night she took forever, and we were really scared. We both cried in the middle of the night, wondering if our mom was dead. We had no clue what to do.
She finally left him after her older sister and my 6 yo cousin were murdered by her husband. We were so happy my mom left him (we were teenagers at the time), even though we were grieving my aunt and cousin’s deaths.
A couple of months later, my mom hooks up with my dad’s brother. He was a scarey murdering P, and still in prison. He got out, moved in with us, and they got married! My father’s brother! Oh he was so much worse than her crazy ex. My brother and I both moved out. She only left him because the police had taken him away and gave her a restraining order.
We also pressured her really bad to leave him. So, she did but she was still going to see him after all of that. UGH!
It has been over 15 years and she still talks about how wonderful he was and how she loved him so.
To me this was all so sick! How she could love or stay with a man that long, and bag out on being a mother to her children. It felt to us that she was the only important thing in her life and we didn’t matter. My brother and I both felt that if she really loved us, she would have never had us in those situations at all. I can understand ending up with someone you think is nice and they turn out to be Satan. BUT when you are being treated badly and your kids have to undure watching this and living it, it is way past time to leave. Suffer the little ones, I guess. Her men meant more to here than her own children.
So, it will just depend on your daughter’s personality if she will ever leave or not. Some people never seem to wake up.
Dear Jen,
I am so sorry that you have had to endure such a life from someone who should have protected you, not exposed you to abuse after abuse.
You are right, I think, this is SO SICK.
I sit here and shake my head and wonder what was going through your mother’s mind to continually expose you to such fear?
God bless you Jen, (((hugs))))
This is a powerful thread, I have read every comment and identify with all of you, and my heart is sad that you all had to endure this.
Anitasee I admire your integrity, saving the rain forest~! And thank you for the History Button, that made me chuckle, how true, there is no easy button but there can and must be a history button…I so identified with your entire post…
Dear Deceived…I am so sorry you still feel this way. Sadly I identify with what you say, but please dont continue to let what an evil person did to you effect you now, it takes time, but you are more than you think you are, you will get back to a whole person again, dont think it will never happen because it will…..your one of my inspirations at Lovefraud – please keep your chin up and carry on – it get’s better I promise..