Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman whose daughter is caught in the web of a sociopath. The woman and her husband are not enabling the relationship—the sociopath, of course, wants money. They are hoping and praying that their daughter will escape.
Here is her question to other Lovefaud readers:
What was the “turning point,” “awakening moment,” “realization point,” that woke them up OUT of the fog, the gaslighting, etc., and what made them realize they needed to RUN, to get away from their sociopaths? What finally “did it,” what finally “broke the camel’s back?” Where they realized what was happening to them, had been done to them, when they finally realized things were NEVER going to “get better?”
There must be a “trigger” here somewhere. I’m just trying to grasp what it’s going to take. What is going to have to happen to jar her awake from this brainwashing/fog?
My experience
I remember the moment for me.
I knew my husband, James Montgomery, was lying to me, although I didn’t realize the extreme extent of the lies. I knew all my money was gone; my husband had spent about $227,000, much of it carelessly. I suspected he was cheating on me, and when I discovered proof, I left him.
Still, even after I left him, I thought my husband was just one of those guys who can’t stay faithful. I did not realize that my entire marriage was a scam right from the beginning.
The real moment of truth came when I called one of the women my husband appeared to be involved with. According to bank records I’d found, she had given him $6,000. The conversation went like this:
“I’m Donna Andersen. I’m James Montgomery’s wife, and I’d like to suggest that you don’t give him any more money.”
“It’s too late. I already gave him $92,000.”
I almost dropped the phone. And with that conversation, I realized that my husband had married me for the specific purpose of taking my money. That was all.
Your moment of truth
This reader has asked a really important question, one that may glean some possible approaches from helping people escape the sociopathic trap. So please post your experience.
What did it for you? When did you finally realize that you had to get out?
lagayle59 – great to hear you are spath free. It gives others here hope that the pain we are feeling will pass and things do get better with time.
Hope – I wonder if it might be an idea for us all to say how we found this site. For me it was googling words like ‘user’ loser’ and I’m still not entirely sure what one word led me here. Maybe it would help others who are googling. Spath means very little to the ‘average’ person.
Candy – I agree. Knowing how folks arrived here, which search word, etc., would probably help the webpage admin to draw more people here to find help.
This is such a wonderful community of caring people!!
I searched for extreme degree of asshole condition, for manipulative and confusing. I found information about “emotional vampires”. I continued searching and finally found Robert Hare and i was able of understand. Short later i found this blog and then i understood much more better because this blog has continual contributions of real people and that helps a lot to validate the theory. The bugs exist!
By the way, i’m watching Dexter. He’s a psychopath who doesn’t like sex. It’s very funny this series. His boss somewhat knows he’s a psychopath and calls him sicko and mother fucker 😀 Somebody should have told me about Dexter. A psychopath who kills other psychopaths! hahahaha
I used to call my psycho mother fucker too, mostly in spanish, hijo de puta. And he was not affected at all, like Dexter.
Eva You crack me up ~!! thanks for the spanish lesson – gonna remember that one…
Eva, I just came back from 3 hours of Spanish classes. And the learning just never ends! Muchas gracias, amiga!
Thanks for your post, Oxy. We just keep living and learning, eh?
star in spanish is hijo pronounced hi joe or hey ho?
Hens, neither. It’s EE-ho.
My experience……the last straw……
When Jr and I were coming home from a Dr’s apt…..one evening…..he said….Mom…I’ve got to tell you something, but you can’t tell Dad.
Oh….Okay…..
You have to promise…..
Okay darling…..I promise……
Well, remember when he took us to Santa Cruz Earlier this year…..
Yes…..
Well…..there was more to it than we ever told you.
Really…….what do you mean….
Jr went on to tell me that Spath lit up a joint in the car as soon as he crossed state lines…..and when the kids all FREAKED out…..he told them…..Better get used to it, there is gonna be lot’s of this where we are going.
(when they left, it was ‘just’ a road trip to the coast, didn’t know where ‘we’ were going, but would call ya to let you know where we land up)
He then told the kids that……IF they ever told their mother it would be the end of our family.
He silenced the kids with guilt.
He took them to a POT FARM for a week.
There was 20 thousand pot plants growing inside garages and outside.
He had the kids grooming plants, clipping plants, watering plants, planting seeds…..and they learned all about cronic bud, purple bud, mexican weed……all the lingo and horticulteral side.
He and his druggie friend fed them pot leaf salads with ranch dressing at night…..like friggen frat dogs…..laughing at them the whole time.
Eldest Jr asked him…..isn’t this the drug…..???? He said, no stupid, it’s not the drug unless it’s dried…..get the ranch dressing!
When they walked into the house, next to the couch were 5 tall bongs……they were told….Pick a bong, it’s yours for the week. Jr said there was a coffee table with a bowl of pot in it……you know mom…..like that bowl of Pistachio nuts you have on our coffee table….he had pot.
Oh, YEAH…..of course…….
These kids held this in for 5 months!!!!!!
So……after getting the FIRST shock…..It was clear I needed to ACT….remove the fucker from our home…..HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!
But how……without throwing the kids under the bus?????
THink, EB…..and think fast….he’s got to go.
He came to me within a few weeks….I was bursting at the seams and knew he wouldn’t just leave if I asked…..and things were ‘fine’ between us prior to finding this out…….so it would have been odd to just say……gotta go homey.
He came to me and said he wanted to go on vacation…..alone….
I said I thought that was a great idea, asked where he wanted to go and booked him a one way tix.
Brought the e-tix up to him and he asked (without looking at tix) Wow….that was fast…..
When do I leave?
TUES……
Cool….how long am I going for…….
That’s when I made my statement…..
YOUR NOT COMING BACK!!!!!!
The rigermerole spewed…..I love you, I only wanted a vacation blah, blah……
I siad…..yep….. I heard ya…..
Heres the gig……
Your a lier, a cheat and a SHITTY FATHER!!!! I’m done!
He said…..what did you find out?
I said……ya know……your problem….you just don’t know what lie I discovered.
Why don’t you come clean with every lie you have ever told….(ha ha)
He asked again…..what do you know…..
I said…I know that YOU and everything about YOU is a lie…..
I walked away and stayed scarce until Tues…….
He never realized the ‘reason’ of the ‘final straw’…..he was so full of lies.
De nada Hens and Stargazer.
Hens, Star is right, Spanish /i/ sounds like English /e/ and the /h/ as usual is not pronounced.
Yep, i called the bug E-ho ( the j in spanish is a more roaring sound than the aspirated English h) de puta, and other things. But he was not offended. These psychopaths de mierda. They have no blood in their veins.
My turning point with my alcoholic ex husband was when I went to pick him up and drive him home from his usual bar.{he used to ring me up and demand I pick him up-I took my car, as he usually gota cab there, and was unfit to drive by the time he wanted to go home.
I sw him from the entrance, -there he was, his beer tankard propped up on his belly, holdingforth to his mates,_{not actually his mates, they were bar flies!} I saw him and thought, “There he is, and hell never change.”
Didnt know he wasa spath as well as an alcy, still not sure on that one.
With my 2 spath daughters, Im not sure if there was any reall”AHa moment, just a gradual awakening after finding Lovefraud, {and Thank God I did!}.Learning about gaslighting, projection, mirroring,the whole works. And gradually coming out of the FOG of Fear Obligation and Guilt. GUILT! That was the real big one. all the false guilt Id felt for leaving them with their Dad,{he was never violent to them, ever.}And they were hardly babes at 17 and 19. But they played me for a sucker alright!
Like all of you Ive been thru it all, the fear, the lies, the projections, the guilt making,the the gaslighting,denial, the making deals with God, the rage, the sadness, the fury, the sick feeling in the gut,the whole crazy mess of it all.Its been 2 years this June since I found LF. I have learned SO MUCH, and am still learning, you never stop as Oxy says.
I DO KNOW now that they are ALL THE SAME, that they never ever change,that they are truly incapable of remorse, tenderness, compassion, empathy, humour,kindness.They can read the words,but cant hear the music.I used to feel sorry for them, no longer.I used to think,
“If they are really hard wired this way, how is it their fault?”
But Ive learned that pity is wasted on them, theyll only turn it into a way to screw you some more.
Ive learned that my older spath D would screw me for my last dollar on earth, and step over my dead corpse to get the change out of my purse.When theyr done screwing you and using you, you are thrown away with no more value than a used Kleenex.THATS the real truth of them.
Im more or less over the RAGE which I had to damp down for 13 years just to get to see my G Kids.Then it all came out WHOOSH! as you all know! Its gone now, and Im glad. I dont want to turn into a bitter old shrew,then they will REALLY have won.
Ive done grief, sadness, denial,rage, fury, frustration,on and on, back and forth, now Im sort of just “Comfortably Numb”. My main emotions as far as they go now are disgust, and contempt.Not pity. No more rage.I cant change them or make them love me.They are sick sub humans really, who cant even love themselves.
Karma will take care of them with no help from me,the older ones life is unravelling fast.Do I still fel love for them,? Not much, I suppose a bit as they are after all my adult children. But I dont buy into unconditional love any more. From now on, any deal breakers, like lies, con tricks, etc, and IM DONE !!dont care who it is.
Love,
Mama gemXX