Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman whose daughter is caught in the web of a sociopath. The woman and her husband are not enabling the relationship—the sociopath, of course, wants money. They are hoping and praying that their daughter will escape.
Here is her question to other Lovefaud readers:
What was the “turning point,” “awakening moment,” “realization point,” that woke them up OUT of the fog, the gaslighting, etc., and what made them realize they needed to RUN, to get away from their sociopaths? Â What finally “did it,” what finally “broke the camel’s back?” Â Where they realized what was happening to them, had been done to them, when they finally realized things were NEVER going to “get better?”
There must be a “trigger” here somewhere. I’m just trying to grasp what it’s going to take. Â What is going to have to happen to jar her awake from this brainwashing/fog?
My experience
I remember the moment for me.
I knew my husband, James Montgomery, was lying to me, although I didn’t realize the extreme extent of the lies. I knew all my money was gone; my husband had spent about $227,000, much of it carelessly. I suspected he was cheating on me, and when I discovered proof, I left him.
Still, even after I left him, I thought my husband was just one of those guys who can’t stay faithful. I did not realize that my entire marriage was a scam right from the beginning.
The real moment of truth came when I called one of the women my husband appeared to be involved with. According to bank records I’d found, she had given him $6,000. The conversation went like this:
“I’m Donna Andersen. I’m James Montgomery’s wife, and I’d like to suggest that you don’t give him any more money.”
“It’s too late. I already gave him $92,000.”
I almost dropped the phone. And with that conversation, I realized that my husband had married me for the specific purpose of taking my money. That was all.
Your moment of truth
This reader has asked a really important question, one that may glean some possible approaches from helping people escape the sociopathic trap. So please post your experience.
What did it for you? When did you finally realize that you had to get out?
Hope to heal –
Hello and welcome. An “N” is Lovefraud shorthand for a Narcissist (Or Narcissistic Personality Disordered person). It often co-occurs with Sociopathy/Psychopathy/Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD).
Many professional use these 3 terms interchangeably; others insist that there are slight differences between the 3, but that they can also co-occur; still others say that Sociopathy is the same as Psychopathy but different from ASPD. Here at Lovefraud, sociopaths/psychopaths might be referred to as “S”s, as “spaths” or variations on that, or else “P”s.
Nicknames some of us use include “emotional vampires”, “soul suckers”, “dark souls”, or other terms denoting their deeply evil intentions and behaviours.
We have our own “made-up” terms as well: spathetic, spathy, spathdom and so on.
This is a good place for you to be to learn about these disordered individuals, how to spot the signs that they are disordered, how to avoid attracting their attention – and MOST IMPORTANTLY how to get rid of them from your life and start to heal.
Getting rid of them usually takes way longer than we think it’s going to – and longer than we would like it to. Dealing with the fallout after a run-in with one of these un-humans is not the same as dealing with a relationship breakdown with a normal person. The parameters are completely different and none of the normal psychobabble or advice works; we need to learn to do things very differently from everything we have been taught or have known previously.
Stick around and dredge the archives and you will see what we mean. Here’s a link for starters – http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/04/12/10-signs-that-youre-dating-a-sociopath/
My turning point was when I realised he cared nothing for his children. My (our) son was 18 months old and was rushed to hospital with his first presentation of asthma. I sat waiting in emergency for 6 hours with him and was then rushed by ambulance to a children’s hospital for treatment. He nearly died. My husband did not turn up even though I had told him that our son had been rushed to hospital.
I had to spend the night with my son in the hospital and when I got home with him the next day I remember being so angry, so disappointed. For so long I thought he didn’t care for me and just put up with my husbands pathetic lies for my childrens sake. But this was my turning point. When I asked why he stayed at the football game instead of rushing to be with his son and he answered that I didn’t tell him he had to and that that was our arrangement. What arrangement? Your son could have stopped breathing forever that day. It was that point on that not only did I never believe a single word he told me but I began to investigate him myself and found out the real truth of what he had been up to whilst we were married and it was that day that I HATED the first person I have ever hated.
After 14 years of marriage I left my SP husband after he choked me in front of our little son.
My son just watched.. not upset.. not crying just watched as if this was a normal day in our family life.
It woke me up. No child should see that and think its normal.
Had I not left, my husband would have eventually killed me.
He found the next victim within weeks and I am sure milked her for all she was worth too.
My turning point? Over 7 years this was an on again-off again relationship. He would leave the relationship only to return a few months later with his “sob” story of how he can’t live without me. There were many lies and deceptions that took place over the 7 years but I believed him, because I wanted to believe that he felt the same about me as I felt about him. He was VERY convincing (acting), worthy of an Academy Award.
In August 2010, after he had come back into my life with all the “you’re the one I want to spend my life with”…”I have made decisions based on what other people (ex-wife) made me think”….”this time I am making a decision based on how I feel about you and that is I want to be with you”. I believed him. Why? I don’t know other than I was was sucked in my his charm and “sincerity” (or so I thought was sincere). We spent two weeks together that were fantastic. He was charming, doting on me, loving…… We went to the beach and spent all day there. We played in the water, made sand castles, wrote love notes to each other in the sand. It was wonderful. That was Saturday. The next day, Sunday, he texts me that it’s over. He has to be with his ex-wife. I was devastated. WTH? Where was all the love he had just professed the day before?
After crying beyond control, I called a man-friend. I cried to him and sobbed hysterically. Throughout that 3 hour long conversation, he was understanding and kind. At some point, he said to me “Schnoodle, this cat sounds like a psychopath”. I said, “he is not a serial killer”. But that word stuck with me. So the next day I looked up psychopath and found the book “Women Who Love Psychopaths”. I read it cover to cover in two days. I couldn’t put it down. Everything in that book described what my 7 years of hell have been. All the pieces came together. The Spath, although he said it was over and I never contacted him, he would text me, with “I miss you terribly”. BUT this time I had knowledge of what his BS really meant. “I MISS CONTROLLING YOU TERRIBLY”!
In early October 2010, I found Love Fraud and the stories from these men and women were so parallel to my own, it scared me. Especially the stories of the Spaths that tried to kill them. My relationship had not gotten to that point, but I did not want to be a suicide/murdered statistic or someone who completely lost her mind and ended up in the loony bin. On October 22, 2010, I went NC for good. I delved into counseling with a vengence. I vowed to myself that I was never going to let this individual control me. His mind games were no longer going to be a part of my life.
Since then I got together with my man-friend and we have been together since. This man treats me with respect, love and dignity. He is gentle, patient and kind and very understanding of what I have been through. We are both Christians and feel that God intervened through prayer.
As of today, now that I am emotionally stronger than I have ever been, I have filed a lawsuit against the Spath for the money he took from me. The best news is that I had him sign a contract for the money I loaned him. So I hope through garnishments I will retrieve what I lost. But NO AMOUNT OF MONEY is worth the peace of mind that I have now. So even if I lose the lawsuit, I truly have won in the end.
Even as late as last week, he sent me a text saying “Can you talk to me?” I have not nor will I ever respond to his texts. Again, I have the knowledge to understand what I am dealing with here and that is a manipulative, deceitful Spath who at one time controlled my every move, my every thought. NO MORE!
I believe every victim has to arrive at that point on their own, and that point is different for each one of us. With me, it happened over time. But one significant event is very vivid in my mind. I had been having an extremely difficult time with one of my children from my previous marriage. My older daughter had been arrested in school for drug possession. I was completely devastated and an emotional wreck. The spath and I had 6 kids between us, from 10 to 20 and they all lived with us. I remember coming home from the precinct and being a mess. We had gone there together. (In hindsight I know he was only there by my side as a spectator, not a strong shoulder for me to lean on) I stood at the kitchen counter trying to pull myself together so that I could carry on and prepare dinner for everyone. He was with me, with his hand on my shoulder and the next he was gone. I didn’t even think anything of it. Till he arrived back in the kitchen minutes later. And the words that came out of his mouth, I will never forget. “I just went upstairs to thank John”, he said. John was his son, just a year younger than my daughter. “Thank John? For what?” I said. “For being the great kid that he is,” was his answer. I didn’t say a word. I don’t know if it was because I was still in a state of shock and despair over the crisis with my daughter or if it was because I was dumb-founded. I remember thinking….ok…so even if you feel that your child is somehow “better” than miine, and you felt the need to thank him for that….why in the world would you make that known to me? Especially seeing how distraught I was, especially since you are supposed to be my husband and care for me, not stab me in the heart. It was the most unsolicited rip through the heart I ever could imagine. Not because I would ever concieve that your kid was better than mine, nor that he thought that to be true. But the fact that he blatantly thru my heart to ground and stomped on it…..this came from the man that was supposed to be my “husband”. I never said a word to him about, but I filed it in my head. And from that moment on, I knew that I was only a pawn in his fantasy world of perfection. I stayed with him quite a while after that, but kept my distance emotionally. I bought the book “Malignant Self Love” and saw that he was a textbook case of narcissism. From then on, as I was literally able to “watch” him play his game on everyone around him. I relied on spiritual guidance and never ever allowed him to read me again. Emotionless, poker-face I had become. He tried for months to pull me back under his spell of b.s. I knew that the moment he realized that wasn’t going to happen…things would get worse and the he would be in full “discard” mode, but I prepared for it the best I could. Utimately, I beat him at his own game….long enough to get away…safely…..and with the means to start over without him.
My turning point was when my sociopath decided to meet another woman on the internet and left me high and dry immediately. No calls..no contact..cold turkey! This sociopath did me a favor actually, although I was grief stricken for a year..I finally woke up and realized he did me a favor by leavin! I feel so sorry for the woman he conned into marrying him in a matter of only 3 weeks of meeting him on a singles site on the internet and also having a kid with him now! Since they have bought a house, he has about 2 vehicles, a camper, etc…looks to me like he placed her in debt big time! I feel so sorry for her! I warned her in the beginning! All she said was thanks I think! I think she is STUCK now! I wish she would just reach out to me and say, “I wish I would have listened to you!”, but she isn’t yet! I kind of figured she would. She has a face book account and never gets on it anymore! I think he is controlling all her moves including the computer! He doesn’t want her to discover stuff on the computer like I busted him with! Man I hope she wakes up soon and realizes she is ruining her life with him! I feel so bad for her and feel so good I am out of it!!
Like many have already said – which one?!?!!!
I’ll go with the most recent.
My turning point was when I’d begged him to tell me if he was having unprotected sex with other women. I knew he was having sex with other women, but I needed to know for sure if it was unprotected. Knowing him, it was, but I’d been having some “issues” and needed to know what to tell my doctor. He lied. And I wound up on antibiotics for 2 weeks.
I had several moments when I knew I had been conned…but I had to be ready to let go of all my worldly posessions, my business, my home to get away from this S…thank god I still had my kids. This S had me so entangled in his web that there was no other way out.Actually….he hasnt gone away completly…he is still making my life hell with a promissory note that he had me sign…and he had changed the first page from 15k to 150k. anyway…I always felt that I was being screwed…but the gaslighting does make you question yourself…Honestly, when I fell upon Lovefraud…I couldnt BELIEVE it….This was me! This has been whats happening to ME! I have entangled myself with a full blown SOCIOPATH! I always hear this and its true…I never knew such EVIL exsisted and now I know that I have looked into the eyes of the devil…the sociopathic stare…everything on this site has happened to my children and I…I read every reccommended book and saw myself again and again! Talk about taking someones innocence…and I thought I was street smart! and smashing it completely with a sledge hammer! I lost my home…business of 21 years that I had started at 27 yrs old, my car, mybaby pictures antiques everything1111 I dont blame myself anymore….I dont deserve to…I trusted satan in sheeps clothing…I am just sad for my children that I am on welfare now after we had traveled the world together…but they are healthy and amazing and I am sooooooo grateful for that. Thank you lovefraud…this is the place I go to…to recharge my will to go on and carry the load…..
I guess my real turning point when was he asked me to send him more money, which I didn’t have anymore. I refused and he insisted but I held my ground.
But prior to that, I had many, many moments where I would tell myself that I couldn’t send him money because my bank account was almost empty and I was sick and tired of running back and forth to the bank and then to Western Union to send the money. I was just exhausted and running on empty but, like an idiot, I was still doing it.
There was also the moment where I figured out that he gave me a home address that turned out to be a car dearlership. He succeeded in making me believe that he didn’t want me to know his real home address because (supposedly), his ex-wife had previously tried to take the house from him and he didn’t want me to do the same thing. I used to work in real estate at that time and my boss (who was a broker) told me that that would have been an impossible thing to do since his ex would’ve needed his signature to claim the house. Yet, I didn’t tell my spath to go to hell at that time. I wanted to but I also wanted him to give me my money back so I kept talking to him via email and messenger. All for naught…
Note that I never actually met him face to face, as opposed to most women here. I was totally and utterly played by a man I never met and was never going to meet.
A few weeks after the whole thing was finished, I started researching his email address and found out through the IP address that while he was telling me he was in Ohio, he actually was in Ghana the whole time. He had told me he was in Ghana but there were times when we were communicating that he told me he was in Ohio and getting ready to fly to Ghana. But he was there already…what a fool I’ve been. It’s been three years now and I still can’t believe I gave him all my money even though I knew almost from the start that something was wrong with the whole thing. How could someone who claimed to be a millionnaire not be able to pay for whatever he was buying in Ghana and ask me for money instead?
My turning point was when my ex woke me up in the middle of the night and abused me and asked me to get out of the house. He hadnt been speaking to me for two days and neither would he give me any explanation. Initially i begged him to let me stay but he continued hitting me, so i started leaving. He then stopped me and said something like “Dont go now. What would people say?”.
Thats when i realized that he is insane. I left after a few days without telling him. That was my turning point.