Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman whose daughter is caught in the web of a sociopath. The woman and her husband are not enabling the relationship—the sociopath, of course, wants money. They are hoping and praying that their daughter will escape.
Here is her question to other Lovefaud readers:
What was the “turning point,” “awakening moment,” “realization point,” that woke them up OUT of the fog, the gaslighting, etc., and what made them realize they needed to RUN, to get away from their sociopaths? Â What finally “did it,” what finally “broke the camel’s back?” Â Where they realized what was happening to them, had been done to them, when they finally realized things were NEVER going to “get better?”
There must be a “trigger” here somewhere. I’m just trying to grasp what it’s going to take. Â What is going to have to happen to jar her awake from this brainwashing/fog?
My experience
I remember the moment for me.
I knew my husband, James Montgomery, was lying to me, although I didn’t realize the extreme extent of the lies. I knew all my money was gone; my husband had spent about $227,000, much of it carelessly. I suspected he was cheating on me, and when I discovered proof, I left him.
Still, even after I left him, I thought my husband was just one of those guys who can’t stay faithful. I did not realize that my entire marriage was a scam right from the beginning.
The real moment of truth came when I called one of the women my husband appeared to be involved with. According to bank records I’d found, she had given him $6,000. The conversation went like this:
“I’m Donna Andersen. I’m James Montgomery’s wife, and I’d like to suggest that you don’t give him any more money.”
“It’s too late. I already gave him $92,000.”
I almost dropped the phone. And with that conversation, I realized that my husband had married me for the specific purpose of taking my money. That was all.
Your moment of truth
This reader has asked a really important question, one that may glean some possible approaches from helping people escape the sociopathic trap. So please post your experience.
What did it for you? When did you finally realize that you had to get out?
I’m reading & crying. My turning point came 1-1-2011. This Maligment N through me in jail for domestic violence, moved, stopped paying all the bills. While he promotes his two books on the radio/tv/newspapers. Bench trail found me NOT GUILTY, now he blames my one witness, the neighbor. He filed divorce but says he dosen’t want it, just wants the good Gina back. He moved me 30 miles from everyone I know, & I have $27.00 in my bank, down to 102 lbs. After 7 years, I realized I have found my turning point. It’s like a bomb going off inside, YOU ARE ALL DESCRIBING HIM! The best part? His books could be used for examining the mind of a psychopath. If you look up Dr. John Telford on face book, he’s all about himself. I will survive because I’ve found this site. Thank you! Blessings & prayers to you all!
My turning point was when my sociopath beat me up and threatened to kill me. When I saw the pictures of myself and knowing what a strong woman I once was, I was devastated. It made me realize what he had reduced me to.
Understand however that I was already breaking up with him when the abuse occurred. Prior to this he hadn’t really displayed much violent behavior towards me. Meaning He’d through something but lots of people throw things when they are angry… I chalked it up to the guy fit throwing thing I I had witnessed many men display growing up.
I had broken up with him many times before but this time I meant it and I think that is what provoked the violence. He wasn’t going to be able to manipulate me any longer.
I won’t be physically or psychologically abused another day of my life. I found strength within myself. No one rescued me. No one can really rescue those whom do not wish to be rescued. I ignored every warning and every friend I had. I alienated myself from my family and close friends. It was only me who finally saw and made the change.
Good luck and I hope your Daughter learns her own value and breaks free…
original13,
I am sorry what you have gone through (no-one deserves all the rubbish that these people throw our way), but you’ll come out the other end, a stronger, improved You. You will make it. Good riddance to the sociopath (the heartless one). Read the articles, helping yourself know what you’re dealing with, arming yourself with knowledge (and power). It will not be an easy journey, but you are SO much better off without a disordered person in your life. Peace.
My turning point was after I got out of jail. Being a rather naive person and not the best reader of people I let things go longer than they should. Finally, I said “I can’t do this anymore, I want a divorce”; soon after that she punched herself, then secretly went to the hospital to get it recorded. I had seen so much crazy stuff I just let the punching thing go. It was more of the same (like opening the car door on the interstate at 70MPH, etc,etc). 2 weeks later when I decided to not come home for the night (because of her craziness) she called 911 on my return. She knew this 8 month marriage was divorce-bound. I ended up going to jail for the first time in my life; for something I did not do. Cops didn’t care, they always believe the women in domestic incidents.
After I got out of jail, my brother did an online search and located her. A call to the first husband provided more insight. She was married to a 2nd husband, which I knew nothing of. I called the 2nd husband and learned the horrific time he had with her. She pulled the same stunts on him as she did me. Put him in jail, took over his home and robbed him of his possessions. He told me she once “put Lysol on his steak and served it to him”, After her 2nd DUI he disengaged his car so she could not drive it. “She smashed all the windows and pulled the wires from the engine”. I strongly believe she poisoned me and my handicapped daughter too. Luckily, I’m out. My guess is she’s onto her next prey. Since our divorce she has filed bankruptcy and will lose her home to foreclosure on 3/24.
Thank you, you are admired,& appreciated more than you know! I pray for us all ALL! Again THANK YOU! I’m looking forward to moving from this beautiful lake house, finding a job (former flight attendant) & rehearsing in a play for May (thank God for bottle returns, I need the gas). One day at a time, & sometimes, it is one second at a time. I feel like I’m trying to stay focused. Forcing myself to eat right now, but I’m keeping this site on the screen. Really, BLESS YOU!
Realizing he was a threat to my daughter, and pregnancy (my son), and was completely void of empathy for that was my breaking point.
I had carted him around, picked him up, dealt with so much physical, sexual, verbal abuse – but, when I realized he would abuse kids, too… that was it.
I couldn’t excuse that.
Michael, it was my first time in jail too. WOW! I know it was an experience that woke you up, like me, but poison? These people are walking dead dust, missing a spirit. They are like a body without a soul, a mind without a heart. WHY ARE THEY HERE? I feel now that there are two kinds of people in the World, these Nuts & US. Aliens on earth? The Devils child? they wreak havoc and they are everywhere. My eyes are WIDE OPEN. I’m feeling your pain , please stay focused.
I found a poem by Diane Wakoski that seems to reflect the emotions of the turning point- where ever it occurs….
God damn it,
at last I am going to dance on your grave,
old man;
you’ve stepped on my shadow once too often,
you’ve been unfaithful to me with other women,
women so cheap and insipid it psychs me out to think I might
ever
be put
in the same category with them;
you’ve left me alone so often that I might as well have been
a homesteader in Alaska
these past years;
and you’ve left me, thrown me out of your life
often enough
that I might as well be a newspaper,
differently discarded each day.
Now you’re gone for good
and I don’t know why
but your leaving actually made me as miserable
as an earthworm with no
earth,
but now I’ve crawled out of the ground where you stomped me
and I gradually stand taller and taller each
day.
I have learned to sing new songs,
and as I sing,
I’m going to dance on your grave
because you are
dead
dead
dead
under the earth with the rest of the shit,
I’m going to plant deadly nightshade
on your grassy mound
and make sure a hemlock tree starts growing there.
Henbane is too good for you,
but I’ll let a bit grow there for good measure
because we want to dance,
we want to sing,
we want to throw this old man
to the wolves,
but they are too beautiful for him, singing in harmony
with each other.
So some white wolves and I
will sing on your grave, old man
and dance for the joy of your death.
“Is this an angry statement?”
“No, it is a statement of joy.”
“Will the sun shine again?”
“Yes,
yes,
yes,”
because I’m going to dance dance dance
Duncan’s measure, and Pindar’s tune,
Lorca’s cadence, and Creeley’s hum,
Stevens’ sirens and Williams’ little Morris dance,
oh, the poets will call the tune,
and I will dance, dance, dance
on your grave, grave, grave,
because you’re a sonofabitch, a sonofabitch,
and you tried to do me in,
but you cant cant cant.
You were a liar in a way that only I know:
You ride a broken motorcycle,
You speak a dead language
You are a bad plumber,
And you write with an inkless pen.
You were mean to me,
and I’ve survived,
God damn you,
at last I am going to dance on your grave,
old man,
I’m going to learn every traditional dance,
every measure,
and dance dance dance on your grave
one step
for every time
you done me wrong.
Diane Wakoski
First of all I truly value everyone’s comments. It continues to baffle me of the number of people affected by the actions of a sociopath. I always thought I was the “only one”. I guess it’s easy to feel that way when you feel nothing but lonliness with a spath. I thank GOD for all of y’all.
So what way my turning point??
I agree with what many others have said prior to me. It wasn’t really one thing, it was a combination of things that drove me to a breaking point. The truth is my spath was so flipp’n predictable. The last episode I experienced with him I was able to clearly see his behavior turn, his actions become “less kind”. I wasn’t so beautiful anymore, and all his gratitude for me giving him another chance (5th, or 6th chance. I can’t remember) went out the window. I think my being more aware was the result of counceling I had actively begun about a year prior, right after one of his leaving episodes.
I can clearly remember one night last summer, probably about a month or so before he left, he was clearly trying to start an argument with me. I was confused, as I normally was dealing with him. I keep asking him what was wrong and he ignored me. When I finally left him alone, he attacked me verbally saying “F u Bitch!”, while holding our 4 yr old. I remember not only feeling confused, but humilated as well. My 4 yr old also had confusion written all over her face which made me feel sick to my stomach.
The truth is he was beginning to look for his out then. The mortgage, which was already behind due to his leaving several times before was about to be due, as well, he was about to get his school loans, therefore; he wasn’t going to need me anymore. This was his routine, and I knew it. Well, I knew it this time. It took a very, very long time. I always found my spath’s behavior to be very confusing so it was hard for me to grasp that he meant all the things he did. I think that is what kept causing me to allow him to return. I remember thinking over and over, he couldn’t possible mean all the mean hateful things he said to me, all the affairs he has had, leaving me not only once, but several times in financial distress.
Unfortunately I had to accept he did mean it, all of it, all of it but the “I love you so much” part, and all the fabricated promises. He was a big, fat liar that said and did whatever he had too to make sure he was taken care of.
So long story short…he became so bizzare and scary, for a lack of better words, I became very uncomfortable in his presence. The last night he was in my home I remember his ignoring me after giving him sex. Yes, I was still having sex with him. That was one of the things I could do to keep peace for a bit. It didn’t work this time. He paced through the house all night, at one point he woke me putting his arms around me suggesting more sex. I pushed him away. He got up and paced some more. Keep in mind I had to be at work this next morning. He didn’t. He hadn’t worked in months.
When I awoke in the morning, I took the dog out, and he followed me wanting to talk. He approached me with what I was going to do to make the relationship work. This is what he would do when he was trying to get out. I knew it! I told him I wasn’t going to talk about it and he should do whatever he felt he needed to do. I walked away, and he followed me. When I didn’t give him the response he was looking for he punched the wall, waking one of my kids. He was so out of control and I was able to see it in his eyes. I was able to see it clearer than ever before.
I went ahead got ready for work and left. By the time I came home for lunch, which I did daily, the house appeared as if a tornado went through it. He not only packed up his things, but took every gift he had bought me. Even the make-up gifts for his previous leaving. I remember standing still and looking around me and thinking…O-M-G, here we go again, however; after that thought, I felt some relief. While standing there, he walked in. I don’t think he expected me to be there. He went from casting blame, too, I will stay if you tell me things are going to change, too, being angry and neurotic. It was all so overwhelming but for the first time, I said NO! I cannot do this. This is crazy, this is insane and I cannot do it! Was I scared? Scared to freak’n death. Have you every heard of the saying you can jump and trust that GOD will catch you, or perhaps he will give you wings to fly? I’m sure I said that wrong but I remember thinking that to myself at that very moment. I jumped and even felt my stomach drop.
I wish I could say it has been easy but that isn’t even possible with a spath. He has picked and poked at me in every way possible. It has been very difficult having a child with him. It plays a role with keeping us connected. I hate that, but I love our daughter.
Here’s the thing. It will take what it takes. It does for everyone. Your daughter will have to hit a bottom of her own and she very well may end up in the worst financial circumstances possible. That is what happens to many of us. The personality and the behavior of a sociopath is by far the most complicated ordeal I have ever, and I mean ever, had to deal with. The truth is I loved him and wanted us to simply be a family. A sociopath isn’t capable of that but presents the image that is so convincing, it is hard to believe otherwise.
Just try to be there for her and remind her that you love her. I didn’t have many people in my life at the end due to the relationship. The one’s that remained faithful to me I have more gratitude for than words can express. Although I didn’t listen much at first to them, I retained information they told me which played a huge role in my jouney of recovering from this experience. God Bless!
i sensed from day 1 he wasn’t “right”, but i didn’t know why and i felt terrible for his abusive upbringing and failed marriage. there were a million signs along the way. but i think the one that sticks with me the most is when a friend of mine suddenly passed away and i was in shock. when it finally hit me and i started to cry, instead of comforting me, he yelled at me telling me we should’ve had a stronger bond by now that i wouldn’t have taken so long to show my emotions. i had to apologize to him before he patted me on the head like a dog while i cried about the loss of someone i’d known for over a decade.
i still didn’t leave, but that was the point i knew i had to find a way to. and i guess he sensed that, he and left first.