Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman whose daughter is caught in the web of a sociopath. The woman and her husband are not enabling the relationship—the sociopath, of course, wants money. They are hoping and praying that their daughter will escape.
Here is her question to other Lovefaud readers:
What was the “turning point,” “awakening moment,” “realization point,” that woke them up OUT of the fog, the gaslighting, etc., and what made them realize they needed to RUN, to get away from their sociopaths? Â What finally “did it,” what finally “broke the camel’s back?” Â Where they realized what was happening to them, had been done to them, when they finally realized things were NEVER going to “get better?”
There must be a “trigger” here somewhere. I’m just trying to grasp what it’s going to take. Â What is going to have to happen to jar her awake from this brainwashing/fog?
My experience
I remember the moment for me.
I knew my husband, James Montgomery, was lying to me, although I didn’t realize the extreme extent of the lies. I knew all my money was gone; my husband had spent about $227,000, much of it carelessly. I suspected he was cheating on me, and when I discovered proof, I left him.
Still, even after I left him, I thought my husband was just one of those guys who can’t stay faithful. I did not realize that my entire marriage was a scam right from the beginning.
The real moment of truth came when I called one of the women my husband appeared to be involved with. According to bank records I’d found, she had given him $6,000. The conversation went like this:
“I’m Donna Andersen. I’m James Montgomery’s wife, and I’d like to suggest that you don’t give him any more money.”
“It’s too late. I already gave him $92,000.”
I almost dropped the phone. And with that conversation, I realized that my husband had married me for the specific purpose of taking my money. That was all.
Your moment of truth
This reader has asked a really important question, one that may glean some possible approaches from helping people escape the sociopathic trap. So please post your experience.
What did it for you? When did you finally realize that you had to get out?
No matter how she handles her relationship with this guy, always be supportive. Let her know you are concerned, but don’t threaten to take away your love and support if she stays with him. My brother stopped talking to me and got the rest of my family behind him in a very coniving sort of way… thinking it would force me to leave him if my family was not supportive our relationship. I felt very betrayed by my brother, which only made my dependency on my x that much stronger. I was being manipulted in all directions. Advise strongly to her to not get finanancially tied to him. Tell her if he loves loves her, he would not ask her to compromise her life in any way. That is where I lost control early on. He was after me for my credit and my financial stability. By the time he was done with me, my credit was ruined, I was $50,000 + in the hole, lost my home, and living with my parents. And compared to some, I consider myself lucky. There was not one major thing that finally made me leave… there were countless affairs, even prostitutes, fake suicide attempts, so many lies. I think it was like so many, I just hit the wall one day and had enough. We call our experience “the Bill coma”. Your daughter will eventually come out of her coma. Hopefully sooner than later, but it will happen.
My turning point came way too late to be honest with you My family and myself had been catching on to a lot of little things he was doing over the last couple of years. However, we werent all talking about them with each other and pointing them out to each other so it made it hard to see the Bigger Picture.
When he had me falsely arrested for Domestic Violence is when the light started to turn on. When he lead us on to believe he was coming home after this then after taking over 6 hours to make a 3 hours drive we began to question what he was doing. Then when he sent my daughter a text telling her to have me check my facebook and he had sent me a message saying he was gonna stay with someone else and that he needed a couple days with my car to make transportation arrangements WOW the lights CAME ON.
Then after talking to my daughter and her bf and my best friend in california and realizing he was telling Everyone different stories. I realized he was playing some kind of game with my life.
A couple weeks into going through his belongings and finding little things he had done, IE: moving and hiding my Will and a letter from my late hubby and denying he had touched them, my portion of our life insurance policy missing, my sons and my SSI tax forms copied and under his desk hidden, My daughter Bank Statement on his desk, about 7-8 credit card applications all over his desk, locking me out of 5 computers a month before he has me arrested oh and lets not forget the cheating with a married woman and the telling all his friends he only stayed with me cause i was suicidal behind my back.
Yes I had to slowly but surely find all these things to Really Really understand what his intentions had been. This SOB actually was trying to have me Put Away and Steal My life. He actually thought he would get to play the victim and my family would let him have custody of my son and let him live in MY House!
So now the lights are on and Im actually looking and paying more attention to what I am finding. Then I find my external Hard Drive the went missing about a year ago and he told me over and over I had lost it and my memory was so bad he wasnt surprised etc etc. I realized he was the only person who Knew that was My external Drive and HE was the ONLY Person who had Ever touched the box I found it hidden in.
These guys are devious and will do many many little things trying to reach their main agenda. The place to catch them is in all the little lies and usually the cheating, these are “TELLS” that add up over time as they did with me, to the point that you can no longer deny all of it because there is just SOO Much of it.
The Key Factor is to make sure Everyone, Friends and Family are communicating Everything they say or do, Every Little Thing ANYONE notices that is odd or that they question. Talk to each other share info you will find they tell different lies/stories to each person to suite the needs to convince each person of their lies/stories.
Had my family communicated to me what he was saying to them, I would have caught on a Lot Sooner and never gone out of town with him ALONE.
I would like to share that my “Moment of Truth” after only a 20 month marriage to a Sociopath. The engagement time was wonderful and full of promises, but as soon as we got back from the Honeymoon – he left the relationship emotionally.
I remember having an argument with him in the bedroom on a Saturday afternoon which led to him throwing a temper tantrum that actually almost caused physical harm to his son as he threw things around and drove recklessly on our way to our tax appt.
2 days later when I tried to talk to him about it – he insisted that we did not argue in the bedroom, but in the kitchen.
This was not the first time that he had twisted the memories up, but it finally hit me that either I was crazy or he was. Either way – I needed to find sanity again.
After going to counseling and learning more and more about the sociopath/personality disorder – I learned that THAT was one of their tricks – make you think you’re insane.
I was literally broken down – false promises, lies, cheating, excuses for why there were other women’s pics in his email and he even admitted in court that he had set up another email account under the name of “Lester Spanks” while we were married for “personal nature”.
I think we all just have a trigger that tells us inside THIS IS NOT HEALTHY FOR ME!!!
As much as I loved him and prayed for him – and our marriage – enough is enough.
Unfortunately – sometimes that does not come too early in our lives if we get attached to a sociopath as a young person. Luckily – I was already in my 40’s and my children had grown.
I hope your daughter learns early her self worth and learns that she deserves to be treated as an equal human being and stands up for herself.
Please don’t be hard on her if she doesn’t learn this right away – but keep confirming it to her by being there for her and being the one that will love her unconditionally.
Hello All,
I have not posted here for a while, and due to time constraints, do not keep up with all the amazing articles and posts….but this one hit home with me. I think it is important for all to realize what was the turning point in our relationship with the N/S/P….what thing, little or big, was the defining moment that each of us finally gorped, and made that decision to save our self, our life, and our soul….and that we loved our self enough to do it….or die. And then finding the courage and strength to take action.
My defining moment, after being buried in red flags which I refused to see, was a dream. It was late fall of 2006. I woke up in an heart pounding panic. My life had flashed before my eyes in my dream. But it was not my life to that point…it was my future life staying in this sick relationship. I remember feeling like I had been stuck by lightning…every circuit in my body and brain screamed GET OUT NOW.
And that is the moment when I found the courage *the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear* buried within me. I had been paralyzed in the trap, at that point, no more, no matter what.
I am reminded of the well known line from a favorite movie…..”I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man!” I respect and applaud all here for finding your “True Grit”! ….and by sharing your battles and struggles, helping others to find theirs!
Cheers to the true grit in all of us!
Xxo
It’s been great reading each post
For me it was a physical sensation in my body of repulsion and deep despair that grew and grew as the mask finally slithered off his reptile face and I could see, feel and prove this man who I thought was my lover, friend and companion was in fact a complete fraud…that the man who I loved with all my heart, who I shared everything with…my hopes and dreams, fears and regrets was a hologram, an illusion…never existed!
It wasn’t one defining event, it was a drip drip effect and I felt as if I was losing my mind, which is exactely what needed to happen before I could finally ‘get it’
My body never lied, I was sick alot with infections (God knows what they were from) I felt strained, and uncomfortable….like my body crawled when he was near me but with my mind I could think myself out of anything being wrong….I was allergic to him body wise, and it has to dawn on you, click, grock in a deeply physical way that he is a fraud, an once it does there is NO turning back-
The P possessed me via my mind, He got in through ideas and perceptions by lying, performing and fraud. There is a deep intuition residing in my body that was recording the incongruity sensation by sensation till I was finally fed the whole picture that turned me inside out and upside down……I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy
his memory is becoming like a carboard cut out “nothing” there is actually nothing left of him that stands, it was all sham, smoke and mirror…he has evaporated like the wicked witch of the west, he was only as real as I was prepared to make him!! I’m happy to say I stopped myself with harsh no contact and my mind went into withdrawal with PTSD and grief, I had to lose my illusion- not the con man he actually was, but the bullshit I had in my head about who he was! He was a master of illusion. A true magician who did not care about me, but only about how he could fool me, rob me and use me…I forgive myself for being so entranced, so seduced- I did not mean to go towards such danger and I know no one could have pointed it out before I was ready!
I hope your daughter reaches her own rock bottom soon, it’s not a pretty sight because she will have to experience hell before she is shaken out of all hope, that usually means evidence of his fraudulence beginning to stack up in front of her eyes, this will match with her physical sensations within her body and then she may face it…when this happens, stand back and thank God!
“whoamI says: Mine showed no emotion on 9-11. NONE.”
whoamI, your post has triggered a long lost memory. The ex-N/S (I don’t like to call him “my”) and I were watching the news when the first plane hit…..and we watched the towers come down.
A good friend of mine called in horror. She had just returned from a trip to NYC, and was recounting eating in favorite restaurant at the top of one of the towers, and in grief over the wonderful people she knew that worked there.
The N’s response as he eaves-dropped: (and loud enough for my friend to hear) —- An acrimonious laugh, then “I guess **** won’t be stuffing her fat face there anymore!” My friend heard him, and asked me what did he say, and i covered up for him as I was so used to doing, to make him appear human.
Just pure evil. And as you said, absolutely NO emotion over the terror…..except his sarcastic joke.
Hey BP and Heartmoonstar! Glad to see you guys are still around and posting! Like “old home week” around here as well as many new posters!!! Good to see you, thanks for your contributions! Great as always!
Oxy, hugs to you girl! (((((hugs really BIG HUGS))))
I have been reading the posts here and I am in tears. Everyone’s posts of how they reached that moment of truth…all so different but yet all the same. All the wolf in sheep’s clothing theme, the unmasking of the wolf and the damage. And how each person is finding their grit to deal with it, and to love themselves in the process, no matter how much the fool you thought yourself for being blinded by the Masters of Evil.
Truly amazing. I am in AWE of all of you, too many to name.
And I thank the Great Spirit for LoveFraud. It is a source spring of courage and strength and community when you are going thru hell and beyond.
I was just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was tired of the lies, the cheating, and the physical and mental abuse. I was tired of not being able to see my family or friends and being left, in solitary confinement, in my own home. My “aha” moment came, two years ago at Christmas. He liked to ruin my Christmas and birthdays. He had stayed out all night, the night before. And we had an argument and I could see that the fight was going to turn into something bigger, and I just left. I went to a motel down the street because I was tired of being assaulted at Christmas. And I realized at that moment that this was going to continue and continue and continue, and my ex husband was going to continue to be a psychopath with or without me. And I did not have it in me anymore. I was so exhausted and tired.
My parents asked the same thing. My father was not an emotional man, but my mother said that he would sit at the dining room table and cry like a baby, when he thought of me and the situation I was in. I was 30 years old, not 16, so they could not do anything about it. There were a few times when I would leave him, and they would drive 800 miles to pick me up, and I would decide to stay. I know that some our not religous, but my parents prayed and prayed for me to see the light, and finally afiter 6 years, I woke up. I also have to say that my parents always told me that I could always come home. I would get so mad when they said that, but I always stuck that in the back of my mind. And I did come home
AHHH do these ups and downs ever go away?? I kept thinking I was feeling a lot better, and then I had a huge downswing today and felt anxious all day long (physically sick/angry), and couldn’t stop thinking about him, and even started blaming myself again….
What on Earth??