Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman whose daughter is caught in the web of a sociopath. The woman and her husband are not enabling the relationship—the sociopath, of course, wants money. They are hoping and praying that their daughter will escape.
Here is her question to other Lovefaud readers:
What was the “turning point,” “awakening moment,” “realization point,” that woke them up OUT of the fog, the gaslighting, etc., and what made them realize they needed to RUN, to get away from their sociopaths? What finally “did it,” what finally “broke the camel’s back?” Where they realized what was happening to them, had been done to them, when they finally realized things were NEVER going to “get better?”
There must be a “trigger” here somewhere. I’m just trying to grasp what it’s going to take. What is going to have to happen to jar her awake from this brainwashing/fog?
My experience
I remember the moment for me.
I knew my husband, James Montgomery, was lying to me, although I didn’t realize the extreme extent of the lies. I knew all my money was gone; my husband had spent about $227,000, much of it carelessly. I suspected he was cheating on me, and when I discovered proof, I left him.
Still, even after I left him, I thought my husband was just one of those guys who can’t stay faithful. I did not realize that my entire marriage was a scam right from the beginning.
The real moment of truth came when I called one of the women my husband appeared to be involved with. According to bank records I’d found, she had given him $6,000. The conversation went like this:
“I’m Donna Andersen. I’m James Montgomery’s wife, and I’d like to suggest that you don’t give him any more money.”
“It’s too late. I already gave him $92,000.”
I almost dropped the phone. And with that conversation, I realized that my husband had married me for the specific purpose of taking my money. That was all.
Your moment of truth
This reader has asked a really important question, one that may glean some possible approaches from helping people escape the sociopathic trap. So please post your experience.
What did it for you? When did you finally realize that you had to get out?
It was an amazing moment. I will never forget it, my BM (Biological Mother-Sociopath) informed me that she was moving 5 minutes away from my family. A week later I discovered that she convinced my father- her ex-husband (and Schizotypal) to cosign a loan for her to do this without mentioning it to us he agreed, and since my husband (Golden Heart) and I were planning on buying the family farm from my father, realized that it was a lose-lose for us to continue being within that scope of insanity. We moved this past Dec to an entirely new place in the country and are starting over completely. I got rid of my FB account (she was using it to stalk me) and any other details about me on the internet. She’s lost interest– for now. She endangers my life– I need to start over. Have been writing my memoir for the last few months and am finding it to be very healing, though difficult. I am so glad at the young age of 29 I understand the need for the NO CONTACT rule. Thank God for working that wisdom into my life at such a young age. . .to think she could have been in my life for the next 30 years sends shudders down my spine. . . .
mmjane,
The fact that your parents were there “through thick and thin” say’s a lot about how much they loved you. Like true parents, they wanted things to be a whole lot better for their daughter. I am so glad they always let you know that you had an out, a place to go to.
New Winter – yes, they will go away, it will get better, just hang in there and take it one day at a time. It took me a long time getting my bearings back as well and just like you, I had ups and downs. I was lucky enough to have a very busy life at that time, however. I was getting ready to move into a new apartment, I was out of a job so I was job hunting like crazy in between packing boxes. I was hardly eating throughout the whole thing and lost a lot of weight but somehow, I did find the energy to sustain me through it all. Thankfully, I was also able to sleep like a baby so that helped a lot. At least, when I slept, I wasn’t thinking about how my life turned out to be such a mess.
Any little thing I would see would remind me of him, stupid things, really. For example, my sister bought a new car and it was the same colour and same brand as the car he said he had “bought” me. Things like that made me feel so bad.
You’re allowed to have an off day and to feel bad, you’re just in the process of grieving something you lost. Just come here and get it off your chest, tell us about it. Let it go through words.
Lykastia,
Thanks so much 🙂 I guess I’m just most frustrated that I lost all of the things I loved about myself. My confidence, optimism, kindness, trust, etc… It all went away. And all to someone who called me perfect and then turned every one of those things against me. I’ve never had someone sink their hooks into me and then just pull a total 180.
It’s crazy. How can one person do this?
I want to learn to trust and be interested in the same exact kind of guys I used to be. I was always myself. Now I’m impulsive, extreme, and terrified of rejection so I just try to morph my personality into theirs. Which makes me even less attractive as a potential mate. I have so much trouble being myself now, after being convinced “myself” was awful & crazy from the guy I loved.
My turning point was when I went on a trip to visit my daughter in VT. The first week I was there he told me that one of my cats was dead under the trailer and my favorite cat had half of his face torn off. Everytime I would leave for any amount of time (week or more) my favorite pets would end up dead or missing. I couldnt take the pain anymore.
My ex tried to convince everyone that I was crazy and tried to cut off my ties with my family. An old boyfriend let me live with him and his mother for a year and he was aware of what had happened (he was familiar with sociopaths) and he stayed by my side night and day. It was tough but it is getting alot easier now. It’s been since 2006 when I left..seems like yesterday and I am still repairing.
Dear New Winter,
May I suggest that you take a break from dating completely….just work through your healing process without trying to find a new relationship. Working with becoming WHOLE all by ourselves, to becoming happy and secure IN OURSELVES helps us to be a better partner when the right one does come along.
You are what, 21? What’s the rush to find a mate? How about just finding YOURSELF….? My husband died and I felt so alone I wasn’t a good match for myself much less for someone else…I got involved with a psychopath because I was lonely…then I allowed the other psychopaths in my life to totally unhinge my life and my sanity.
Fast forward some time, and I’m still by myself, but I am VERY content with ME—and if the right person comes along GREAT! But if not, that’s okay too, because I am MY OWN SECURITY, my own best friend and ONE IS A WHOLE NUMBER.
Hens is becoming whole as well…and so are lots of the rest of us here. I found out that ANYONE can have a “mate” if they are willing to LOWER THEIR STANDARDS ENOUGH…hell, I’m 64 and I could go down to the wino shelter and pick me out someone who would tell me whatever I wanted to hear—but commmmme on!!!??? I don’t want that, and neither do you. Get yerself happy and then look for another happy person to SHARE IT WITH!!! Keep on reading and learning. Knowledge is power!
Aww you are right, Ox, I know! It’s just that I’m at that young, energetic phase in my life where I can have fun, explore, and play outside every day. I want someone to share that with, and someone to have that stupid perfect summer with. I spent my whole life playing catch-up with the straight world, and now I want my turn to actually enjoy a silly high-school kind of romance 😛
I think my spath just left me with the feeling that there was absolutely nothing more important in the world than him, so when he got rid of me, I had nothing left to live for. Now that I’ve had some time, I feel a lot happier, but still very lonely and missing that old bond that I had with someone
New Winter,
I believe Oxy is right. Take some time off, it’s not like your life will end tomorrow. I think it’s important to not only find yourself but to KNOW yourself and what you really want from a relationship. Don’t project yourself in the future, go through what you have to go through at this very moment of your life. I understand that you want to find someone nice but right now is not the right time, I think. You’re still too raw from your bad experience. Let life remove the bad stuff and the bad memories and then someone will come and that someone will be the best person for you.
Out of curiousity, how long has it been since you left the spath?
Lykastia,
Thanks again! I didn’t leave him– he told me to fly back from my study abroad, so I did, and then he text message dumped me the day I landed and he had a new boyfriend the next day