Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman whose daughter is caught in the web of a sociopath. The woman and her husband are not enabling the relationship—the sociopath, of course, wants money. They are hoping and praying that their daughter will escape.
Here is her question to other Lovefaud readers:
What was the “turning point,” “awakening moment,” “realization point,” that woke them up OUT of the fog, the gaslighting, etc., and what made them realize they needed to RUN, to get away from their sociopaths? What finally “did it,” what finally “broke the camel’s back?” Where they realized what was happening to them, had been done to them, when they finally realized things were NEVER going to “get better?”
There must be a “trigger” here somewhere. I’m just trying to grasp what it’s going to take. What is going to have to happen to jar her awake from this brainwashing/fog?
My experience
I remember the moment for me.
I knew my husband, James Montgomery, was lying to me, although I didn’t realize the extreme extent of the lies. I knew all my money was gone; my husband had spent about $227,000, much of it carelessly. I suspected he was cheating on me, and when I discovered proof, I left him.
Still, even after I left him, I thought my husband was just one of those guys who can’t stay faithful. I did not realize that my entire marriage was a scam right from the beginning.
The real moment of truth came when I called one of the women my husband appeared to be involved with. According to bank records I’d found, she had given him $6,000. The conversation went like this:
“I’m Donna Andersen. I’m James Montgomery’s wife, and I’d like to suggest that you don’t give him any more money.”
“It’s too late. I already gave him $92,000.”
I almost dropped the phone. And with that conversation, I realized that my husband had married me for the specific purpose of taking my money. That was all.
Your moment of truth
This reader has asked a really important question, one that may glean some possible approaches from helping people escape the sociopathic trap. So please post your experience.
What did it for you? When did you finally realize that you had to get out?
New Winter,
I apologize, I didn’t know your story but now that I know a bit more, I don’t understand how you could have a new bf the next day?????
The day after it ended with the spath, I wanted to kill myself. Just saying…
Lykastia, sorry if my post was confusing — HE had a new boyfriend the next day. He had been cheating on me for the past month while I was abroad, but never told me this and instead would just give me the silent treatment for no reason, blaming me and calling me pale and fat and crazy. Then intermittently, he’d tell me we were going to get married and that he loved me.
So when I finally flew back, that’s when he text dumped me and got together with his new BF.
I’m so sorry to hear you wanted to end your life 🙁 I did too. It’s really an awful feeling, knowing you were played so badly
Hello:
I am reading everyone’s story of their turning points. I realize as I am reading them that it is true, for many of us, that there are many turning point and you do see them, but don’t really know how to get out. I know that my last straw was over something so inconsequential, but just the same, I had had enough. It is only after we leave that we become true with ourselves and confront what happened to us. For many of us, we are so ashamed that we allowed someone to treat us so horribly for so very long. That hurts the most. I know in my case, I was financially trapped and he knew it. There are so many instances of his horrible behaviors, that at the time I justified. Maybe I justified because I moved to another state, left all behind and all I had was his!!! He sure knew exactly what he was doing. He would always say what a simple guy he was and that he would not know how to do anything but tell the truth and on and on and on. I realize now how often he lied but would add a kernal of truth so that the lies would be more convincing. I am still “unpeeling” the past, like an onion. I need to confront and then heal or I will not learn anything from this life changing experience. I do not refer to the time that “I lived in his house”as being in a relationship. I do not know how to classify it, yet. Maybe in the future, but not now.
I want thank everyone that posts their stories on this site. No one can know what this is like, except for people like ourselves who have lived through it and come out the other side. We are forever changed but we are all thankful we got to the other side.
NewWinter – I think we all go through that questioning ourselves, was it me – was it him? Speaking for myself, in my journey to understand who he was, in my search for meaning to understand the madness, I discovered alot of things about myself that were not so good, I was also guilty in the failure of the relationship. That is why I am kinda sorta ‘ok’ with it now. It was a life lesson that I needed.
However ~! I have learned or realized I was involved with a guy that has a huge personality problem. I cannot say for sure what the name of his problem is. But he lied, he cheated, he did not respect me or my home, he stole from me on and on. I was involved in a toxic nitemare. Wasnt my first time, but it was my last, because I see myself more clearly now, I wont repeat those pattern’s, I wont be exploited again. It’s up too me..So was it you? was it him? Eventually it doesnt matter. Think of it as a thump on the head from the universe and do better for yourself. And no you dont owe the X and explanation or an apology, just let him go and you get on with life…..
Hens,
While I agree I gave up too much of myself, the FACT remains, even if I were perfect, it would not have made any difference. That’s key. B/c for whatever all is or was “wrong” with you or me, at least has a chance of resolving in our lives. HOWEVER! NOTHING Stops an Spath. We can not be guilty of the failure of the relationship beyond being a bad picker, and considering the fraud these type perpetrate, even that may not have been under our control.
Thus you are right, if we are lucky, we can let them go and get on with life.
My turning point.
I always knew when Jim pulled a fast one on me. I never saw it coming, but I always figured it out later, as we all do!
In the weeks before I ended it with him; I was more accepting that things would never be right. The only time I spoke up was when he was really grinding me into the ground.
For instance, when we drove to town and he played Talk Radio full-blast and at the same time Jim talked OVER the loud radio telling his long stories louder than the radio. The noise was loud and scratchy and add-in TWO different loud stories coming at me at once! I was ready to jump out of the truck! He operates like a terriorist!
Our last weekend together:
We planned to have a yard sale together over the Fourth of July weekend. We had it on the property of one of his handyman customers. Jim is a grounds keeper for this property.
Jim helped himself to my yardsale items. While I had to pay for anything I wanted out of his stuff. I paid and thought to myself, “you bastard”.
We had agreed to run the yardsale together. At the yard sale he stuck around most of the first day, he only left here and there, but the second day he paced around for awhile, and then said he had to take care of a few things and will be back in an hour. He left and came back at the end of the day. He left me to run that yardsale against our agreement, and he expected his money from his sales. No cut for my salesmanship.
He said Lets go to the fireworks. We left the yardsale stuff out for the next morning.
Well, everyone knows the old story that happened with that. Jim spoiled the night. He insisted that carry-in’s are not allowed. He even went to the point of saying he doesn’t know what they will do to me if they catch me. So I didn’t pack a cooler. We get to the park and EVERYONE has a cooler.
I looked at him in exasperation and said Why did you tell me coolers are not allowed when everyone has one?
He screamed at me in front of the crowd of people. He screamed He yelled that he didn’t know carry-in’s were allowed cause he had not been here in 5-years. We were dating during these five years since he was last at the fireworks, and this 5-year mark was the first time he took me to the fireworks.
He called me names. He shredded my character. He screamed all of this at the top of his lungs. He made sure everyone heard. People shot dirty looks at me. Jim took off. My son and his friend broke away from their friends and came to join me cause the fireworks were starting soon. Jim finally came back. The firework display was wonderful.
I enjoyed the night and made it pleasant by enjoying it with the boys. Jim probably thought that all was well.
The next morning (4th of July). I called Jim and said I’m done. I want my stuff back, and from there I’m done.
He went balistic screaming at me saying that I’m shooting my mouth off. I hung up. He kept calling and calling but I didn’t pick-up.
I took the boys to the July 4th Parade. When we got home I saw that Jim had been on my property. Stuff was missing.
The stuff was his but he didn’t have my permission on property. And, then he said I couldn’t get my yardsale stuff back or he would call police. He will give it back on his terms.
Then he was across the street at my neighbors house yelling and screaming at me. We both filed restrainings orders, both were dismissed.
To this day he tells people that we broke up cause he didn’t know carry-in’s are allowed.
Hi Katy Yep we needed to fix our picker’s…and that goes all the way back to potty training~Dont get me wrong, I am not cutting the xspath any slack, he is sick and I dont need him in my life. But in hindsight – three years removed from it – what I have learned about me is the gift he gave me and doesnt even know it, let alone would understand it.
I’ve been following the amazing postings on this site for nearly a year. Been through several friendships / relationships throughout my life with spaths, starting with my mother. My true awakening happened when I was looking through old e-mails on my computer August 2009 to find some info and found a whole directory devoted to his hooking up with women. He had used my computer for awhile and just left that whole directory. Here’s the aha moment – the weekend of our wedding anniversary (party at our house), he had arranged to have several “dates.” Wow – wow. The next step took me to my workplace employee assistance program for 3 sessions. There is the first time I heard “narcissistic personality disorder” and I started doing internet research. That led me to a list of sociopathic behaviors – my blood ran cold – literally. He is every one of them. I could actually feel the paradigm shift in my head. Then of course, lots and lots of hindsight.
Here is what has helped me: information, support and quiet time. If there is a way to help your daughter see “when it doesn’t make sense” – that’s a good gentle nudge towards self awareness. Being there as a “safety net” I think is invaluable. Time away from the drama has been huge – being quiet, having fun, getting a break. For me, when I truly saw the vast gulf between his mask and reality, that’s when I stopped seeing him as a “healthy person just having a bad day.”
I wonder if there is a way to guide her toward information websites like this one. She’s lucky to have family on her side. Best wishes to all.
jeannie – I am so glad your not with JIM anymore…what a pos he was.
What if you can’t get away no matter what you do because the psychopath you were married to has connections at the highest levels of government and the media so that no one will help you? What if your ex- prevented you and your children from working anywhere and stole everything you have simply by having crooked officials change the ownership records? What if your ex- also had a fascination with the movie “The Truman Show”, had his government friends put you under illegal surveillace with sophisticated equipment 24/7 and broadcast it to their friends? What if no lawyer would represent you because of threats of being subjected to the same kinds of things? What if your house was broken into BY THE POLICE and the FBI and DOJ refused to do anything? What if your ex- was now under investigation for possibly being a serial killer, you were informed by persons with law enforcement ties that you and your children’s lives were in danger, and yet you were not offered any protection?
Do you think all this can’t happen in the U.S.?–Think again, because it is! I was told by someone in the media to blog about our situation because they said it was our only hope of getting the truth out. I do this (complete with documentation) at http://vocct.blogspot.com.
Prayers for our safety are GREATLY APPRECIATED.