Lovefraud recently received the letter below from a reader; we’ll call her Andrea.
I was married to a sociopath for 12 years (didn’t know it until we divorced). He had 3 affairs and was a minister for a majority of that time. He messed up a lot of lives. Anyway, I am at my wits end right now because I cannot get him out of my life because we had 2 children. I am so tired of dealing with him. My kids are 12 and 10 now and my ex is doing everything in his power to try and convince my son to go live with him when he’s 14. I see it happening and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I keep notes about everything that happens, but my lawyer tells me that it would be a very hard case if my son wants to go.
I’m also struggling right now because I have something my ex wants. I have some documents from when we were married and owned a business. He needs some proof that another couple we were in business with is not responsible for a loan we had. My ex got the loan in the divorce. I believe he’s trying to bankrupt his business. Anyway, I’m refusing to give him the documents because I am so tired of being bullied by him and lied to. I know this was a stupid thing to do because now he’s furious and is attacking me through emails and bashing me to the kids. But, it seems so unfair that I have to give in to him ALL THE TIME to keep the peace. I am tired of it. He has something I want and I’m holding the documents as a bargaining tool. Do you think this will work with a sociopath? Or am I just asking for it?
A relationship or any type of involvement with a sociopath leaves us with a big ball of turmoil. We discover that everything he or she has ever said to us was a lie, and we are outraged. We learn that we were played like a fool, and we are humiliated. We realize that our love and trust were abused, and we fear that we’ll never love and trust again.
While trying to deal with the emotional shock of the betrayal, we also have to deal with the practical issues of disengaging—divorce, finances, children. As we do this, especially if there are legal proceedings involved, we want to tell the world, or at least the judge, about the sociopath’s wrongdoing. We want to prove that we were honorable, and the sociopath was not. We want to be vindicated.
The sociopath does not experience this emotional turmoil. The sociopath’s only objective is to win. The definition of “winning,” of course, depends on what the sociopath wants. Maybe it’s keeping his or her possessions, such as children. Maybe it’s keeping his or her money by not having to pay child support. Maybe it’s destroying us.
Think strategically
Usually Lovefraud advises our readers to have no contact with sociopaths. Of course, this is not possible when someone, like Andrea, has to co-parent with a sociopath.
My advice to Andrea was to think strategically. There is no point withholding the documents just because she is tired of being bullied. What does she really want? What leverage does she have to get what she wants?
The documents she talks about are leverage. Therefore, Andrea should play this exactly as the sociopath would—using the documents to extract some kind of concession out of him. She needs to evaluate what that might be, and then use her leverage to get it.
However, whatever she demands needs to be something that the sociopath can deliver immediately, not at some time in the future. Sociopaths do not honor agreements, so there is no point in asking for something that will be delivered later, or over a long period of time. It will never happen.
What works?
For sociopaths, it’s all a game, a game that they want to win.
In my case, however, my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, just quit playing. In our divorce, he fired his attorney, signed papers to represent himself pro se, and then defaulted. He was on to his next scam, and had no use for me. I never interacted with him again.
So I actually don’t have experience in ongoing dealings with a sociopath. Therefore, I ask Lovefraud readers for your input. If you must continue to deal with a sociopath, what works?
Dear ERIN,
Matt cracks you up? Honey, Mat IS funny, but YOU are an absolute HOOT!!!! A woman after my own heart! I give you the GOLDEN SKILLET AWARD for your deposition! You are a true A.S. S. (Assertive survivor of a sociopath) and I am glad to know you, chickie!!!! TOWANDA!!!!!! Love and Hugs, Oxy
ErinB
We need more stories like this. Love your sense of humor and the fact you are firing on all cylinders and are in the driver’s seat. Oh it gives me hope. Well done to you. I SALUTE YOU!! I also respect how you have no doubt painstakingly detailed everything you can so that you are in control and he had nowhere to move. Its even better when the S tries his tactics and you aent the least bit interested anymore. Well done!!! Something tells me you ae ging to go on to much bigger and much better things!!!
Oxy: 🙂
Thank you! I will hold on to that Golden skillet….I will keep it close! (You never know when I will need it as a weapon).
For those of you that are needing an uplift….I will share my new catchy theme song….it is taking me through my divorce.
It certainly is not my usual genre, but I can’t help but laugh and sing along, it’s catchy and spirited!
(caution: The title is Fu#@....... You very much.) By Lily Allen.
I went through a period of listening to Carry Underwoods….’think before you cheat’. I giggled at the visuals that entered my head when I listened to it.
I think my eldest son was sick of hearing that song come from my office…..one day he downloaded a new song on my desktop….as bad as it is….I LOVE IT!
I share it with my LF friends.
ErinB’s theme song link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ITZBBV8Syg&feature=related
Happy Sunday my friends. 🙂
Kate:
It is a full time job, but I will tell you…..so is grieving. So this is how I choose to heal and there are great benefits for me now.
His supplies are being cut left and right now. People do not want to be involved in his lies and crazyness…..but if they don’t know, they play along. I have planted the seeds for these people to see his behaviors for themselves. In the beginning, I spoke….now I just plant.
Currently, his main supply (person hiding money etc) is now questioning him….this is a guy he has been having a bromance with since our seperation. (ooohhhh….again more stories uncovered)
I know there are more supplies around the next corner, but he is in a very comfy position of homelessness in a mansion. He will need to groom the new supplies….
I have been frusterated at the length of time the process takes divorcing a S….but each time something changes or percieves to go wrong (in my mind) I KNOW it’s for a reason.
With all my medical crap recently, I am convinced everything happens for a reason…..so I try not to get upset about the small stuff anymore….I know it’s leading me in a better direction, in the end.
Kinda like….if I didn’t get cancer, I wouldn’t have seen his behaviors, so actually the cancer was a gift!
I know, I would have much rather had a big chocolate cake…..but ya know….
GOTTA GO POTTY 🙂
Dear Erin,
I am so glad to have another “skillet wielding wench” here on LF! Any time you want to ride my Fat or Hairy Asses, just come on down to the farm! I’d be glad and proud to take you for a ride! It is so refershing to hear stories of success and events that make us want to shout TOWANDA!!!! So glad you are here and so glad you are doing so well!!! Keep up the good work!
ErinB- AWESOME! I applaud you for being the fearless, classy, and such a well prepared woman in court! You make us here at LF PROUD! The story you wrote was hilarious! I was laughing out loud, even tho furious that this rodent put you in this situation. If he had any human like qualities he would have been totally EMBARASSED he made such an ass of himself. Especially With his irritable bowel and all. I’m sure when he ran to go the restroom, he literally s*** a brick! (sorry, that was crude)
Erin, Just heard your theme song, had to be written about a S! Your right, not my usual cup of tea, But I had a good laugh. Fantasized about sending it 2 my x but he’s not worth the effort and any attention he gets is like a come on to him.
wishing you the best..
Oxy and Sabrina:
I must laugh at the situation, because he is just so out there…..If I didn’t have humor, I’d be ‘fetal in the corner’. We really should be, but I refuse to let the S put me there!!!
When my GF’s call me and they are having a bad day….I hear them out and then I say….”Well, ya know when your really down….just think….it could be worse, you could be ME!”. It stops them right in their tracts and we can laugh about it together. There is not a friend I have that would trade places with me currently. I am so grateful for the people that have stuck by me, even after his attempts to split them off. We all need a support system.
Oxy….thanks for the offer….I may take you up on it when this is all said and done…..but for now….the only ASS I will be riding is the S’s.
Sabrina: Thanks for the ‘classy’ comment….you obviously didn’t listen to my theme song! 🙂
You guys are the bomb!
Hi Everyone,
I’m new to this blog and I’m here out of desparation. I’m co-parenting with a true narcissist and I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve read so much and don’t know what I’m supposed to do. One article I read says I should share everything about the child with the non-cusotidal parent, and if I don’t I’m guilty of being a hostile parent. The next thing I read about co-parenting with a narcissist or psychopath says to limit contact as much as possible and divulge little information. My daughter is at the age where she’s figuring things out for herself and it’s hard to not “help her along.” My heart breaks for her when I see him getting his revenge on me through her and treating her with such blatent disrespect. How do I deal with this man and keep my sanity? How do I help my child understand? He goes out of his way to make things as difficult as possible.
sgbrown…welcome. I understand your confusion. The article about “sharing everything…with the non-custodial parent” is probably written by someone who hasn’t experienced a disordered N up close.
All the advice and “legal” ideals go out the window when dealing with one of these creatures.
I think the limit contact and little information is best.
As much as you can, read here, current subjects and past, without taking time to read all the posts for now. On the left side of the blog home page look for “parenting the at risk child” section.
I have a 13 year-old daughter. Divorce was three years ago.
Try to eliminate your contact with the ex-N as much as possible. Love your daughter, show her who YOU are. She will figure it out without “extra help”. And as she matures, there will be opportunities to help her learn about toxic people and how to avoid them…for her own future happiness.
Sorry you had to find your way here, but glad you did. There is much discussion of dealing with custody issues here. Stay a while, read a lot, post when you need to. Someone usually has suggestions for dealing with these toxic people in all situations.