Lovefraud recently received the letter below from a reader; we’ll call her Andrea.
I was married to a sociopath for 12 years (didn’t know it until we divorced). He had 3 affairs and was a minister for a majority of that time. He messed up a lot of lives. Anyway, I am at my wits end right now because I cannot get him out of my life because we had 2 children. I am so tired of dealing with him. My kids are 12 and 10 now and my ex is doing everything in his power to try and convince my son to go live with him when he’s 14. I see it happening and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I keep notes about everything that happens, but my lawyer tells me that it would be a very hard case if my son wants to go.
I’m also struggling right now because I have something my ex wants. I have some documents from when we were married and owned a business. He needs some proof that another couple we were in business with is not responsible for a loan we had. My ex got the loan in the divorce. I believe he’s trying to bankrupt his business. Anyway, I’m refusing to give him the documents because I am so tired of being bullied by him and lied to. I know this was a stupid thing to do because now he’s furious and is attacking me through emails and bashing me to the kids. But, it seems so unfair that I have to give in to him ALL THE TIME to keep the peace. I am tired of it. He has something I want and I’m holding the documents as a bargaining tool. Do you think this will work with a sociopath? Or am I just asking for it?
A relationship or any type of involvement with a sociopath leaves us with a big ball of turmoil. We discover that everything he or she has ever said to us was a lie, and we are outraged. We learn that we were played like a fool, and we are humiliated. We realize that our love and trust were abused, and we fear that we’ll never love and trust again.
While trying to deal with the emotional shock of the betrayal, we also have to deal with the practical issues of disengaging—divorce, finances, children. As we do this, especially if there are legal proceedings involved, we want to tell the world, or at least the judge, about the sociopath’s wrongdoing. We want to prove that we were honorable, and the sociopath was not. We want to be vindicated.
The sociopath does not experience this emotional turmoil. The sociopath’s only objective is to win. The definition of “winning,” of course, depends on what the sociopath wants. Maybe it’s keeping his or her possessions, such as children. Maybe it’s keeping his or her money by not having to pay child support. Maybe it’s destroying us.
Think strategically
Usually Lovefraud advises our readers to have no contact with sociopaths. Of course, this is not possible when someone, like Andrea, has to co-parent with a sociopath.
My advice to Andrea was to think strategically. There is no point withholding the documents just because she is tired of being bullied. What does she really want? What leverage does she have to get what she wants?
The documents she talks about are leverage. Therefore, Andrea should play this exactly as the sociopath would—using the documents to extract some kind of concession out of him. She needs to evaluate what that might be, and then use her leverage to get it.
However, whatever she demands needs to be something that the sociopath can deliver immediately, not at some time in the future. Sociopaths do not honor agreements, so there is no point in asking for something that will be delivered later, or over a long period of time. It will never happen.
What works?
For sociopaths, it’s all a game, a game that they want to win.
In my case, however, my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, just quit playing. In our divorce, he fired his attorney, signed papers to represent himself pro se, and then defaulted. He was on to his next scam, and had no use for me. I never interacted with him again.
So I actually don’t have experience in ongoing dealings with a sociopath. Therefore, I ask Lovefraud readers for your input. If you must continue to deal with a sociopath, what works?
Heartofmoo, please, please keep getting on Lovefraud and reading, even if you don’t post. I can relate to having parents, family members, etc hating you and trying to essentially kill you in every way possible. Most people can’t fathom that a father would write the things he did to you but you have PROOF. He’s a very sick man and you must go NC (no contact) with him or he will continue to mind”f” you again and again.
You and your brother are so courageous and STRONG, so don’t ever believe his lies! Stay true to who you are and I know it’s there because of your ability to post your TRUTH on this website.
Stay away from his family members or friends. I suggest you start fresh in a new environment with help from the organizations that Truthspeak listed above. Don’t be afraid. Just DO it so you can HEAL. Don’t underestimate the lengths he will go to to get back at you, so stay vigilant and don’t believe he’s changed.
I look back at myself 20 years ago, at your age, and I was in such denial. But I had more than a few people who had vested interests in keeping me in the dark about their true motives. When they finally decided to reveal their intentions, it was too late. They got what they wanted and split up my sister and I. If I had stayed NC with them, that never would’ve happened.
It’s better to forgive and not harbor onto to bitterness. But you can forgive and never speak to him again. This site helped me with that process-http://luke173ministries.org/
Hearofmoo, “telling others” about the abuse and the insanity of a psychopath is in many ways an mpossible thing for them to “get it” and I would suggest that you do your venting here because we DO get it, or to a trusted friend (one) or your brother. Most people just can’t comprehend what it is to live with a psychopath.
I also suggest that you find some counseliing…for a young person to live with molestatiion AND a Psychopathiic parent you will need some help getting your feet back on solid ground. I know this from experience. Good luck.
Heartofmoo, you are a courageous, resourceful young woman and my heart goes out to you and your brother. Your father is violent disordered highly destructive man. Stay strong and safe. You have an entire life ahead of you, and I wish for you that you put your bravery and intelligence into making that life safe, peaceful, full of love and wonder. Keep us updated and a ((big hug)) to you x
Dear Heartofmoo,
I am so sorry to hear of all the abuse you have suffered at the hands of your father…no child should ever have to experience such violation and trauma, sadly, many of us do.
I too was molested as a child by a spath father…and though I am much older now…and thought I was wiser…..I still fell prey too the deceit and persuasions of a very sick man that I just came out of a relationship with recently. I think he was alot like my father and this contributed to why he held the power over me that he did.
There is so much to be learned here on LovFra…you are in a safe and affirming place. Many hugs to you…know that everything your father has said about you is untruth…all sick manifestations of his own depraved soul. Not one sick thing he said of you is true…consider the source…everything “they ” say is of no value.
You are a wonderful young being with hope and promise of a full and joyful life! Search for healing and growth, like you are doing, by being “here”…and it will come : )
Many hugs!
To all,
I am in the early phases of recognizing that I was played ,used ,devalued and discarded by a predator= spath….
I have just found this site less than week ago…and have been reading my eyes to fuzziness : )
What an education. I did not realize what a blindly trusting person I was. How my background of abuse had set me up to be a perfect target for these type of men….How easy it was for him to get me to drop my boundaries in the name of “intense love at first sight” ( he told me I was the love of his life frequent and very early on)
How many of the shares of his life story he did early, were just a “crowbar” to get me to open up my life, heart and history ,so he could use it against me and to control me.
Some of the things he told me …I now find chilling,…like …
He stated ” in my last relationship, I came away never believing I will be able to trust again, I believed in her so much and fell in love so deep…and then she just abruptly ended things, no explanation…I am now unable to trust women and not sure I will ever trust my instincts again ” (little did I know that he was telling me how I was going to feel when he was done with me….the coldness of that leaves me catatonic….)
” If I really was cheating on you , then I would not deserve you…” lol
” All we have is each other…no one else matters…” except for all the other women he was boinking
“I think so much of you, you are very intelligent and a clear speaker..who is very precise with your choice of words…” meaning he was…and he used his words to twist my mind
He also told me of abuse in his background,….like everything else he said…I now believe it all to be lies. He was looking for me to open up warmth and pity and compassion to him….which ofcourse, I did.
I still bargain with myself…like maybe he was just a wolfe-predator ,looking for easy access sex, …and any woman foolish enough to love a man, move in with him, give her all, think he loved me…even though there were many signs he did not, believe all his lies about other women, think he meant it when he promised marriage and a long life together…. kept giving of myself long past the point where I was drained physically,mentally spiritually and emotionally shattered…well that it was just only that.
A man using me as a free Ho….b/c I allowed it.
Except that I struggled with the end of relationship so bad…and he seemed to want to hang on to me long past where it made sense, coming to see me for months after, telling me he was reflecting…now i think he was just getting the next victim firmly in place before he cleaved me. The inconsistencies in all he said and did run so deep and wide. My head spun from them for a long time…..ohhh- the amount of tears i have cried….
What really stops me in my tracks…and chills me…is that I truly loved a man who felt nothing for me ..and I believed he loved me….
The amount of time we spent together…all the warm moments and deep conversations….all illusion. I feel like i just walked out of Alice in sicko-wonderland…some deranged altered plane of existence..
…where nothing that is happening is real…
I still missed him 4 months after I left him..I think I still would have married him, but ofcourse he did not want me.( I thx God for that now)
He had already hooked up with the woman he f___ed in tandem w/ me all year…. and i feel no jealousy now, only keep her in my prayers…i know what awaits her….
She is wealthy. like his ex-wife (God bless her ) I am actually glad that I have low financial resources….b/c this I believe is why he did not want me at end …I was poor and even though I work , I was told he did not want to be married to a woman who would need his help financially….this after he kept me around for over a year telling me I was wonderful just the way I am, and that all my qualities more than made up for my shortcomings……I am so deeply torn
Just needed to share…my day will be spent in efforts to find therapist as I do not work today…so self care is in my agenda : )
On a note of keeping some humor….”how do you know when a relationship has been bad for you?”
Answer: When you look ten yrs. older @....... its end, need therapy, have had relapse with previous addictions and cried for more than 6 months, need STD screening, feel devalued, and “visibly shake” when a new potential love interest tells you that u are pretty and he would like to get to know u ! ……..sort of funny…sort of not.
Note to self …no dates, shaking and nail biting are signs I am not ready !!! lol
Bluemasaic
Dear Bluemosaic, my heart really goes out to you, I/we here soooo know how you feel! Having been here at love fraud for almost a year now, i have learned so much, but it still hurts beyond measure. The betrayl is the manifestation of someone having their very soul RAPED! Hope you stay here at Lovefraud, read, share, learn, grow, and begin to heal. I wish you the best, and just remember the fellowship of those here, those who have been where you are, know how you feel, by far the best place for understanding. Take care & Best healing wishes to you!
Book suggestion: “The Emotional Rape Syndrome” by Dr. M. Fox. Put this one on the Must Read List!
Thanks Truthy, duly added x
TeaLight, how did everything go with the RO, if you don’t mind my asking? It’s good to “see” you after such a harrowing few days!
Brightest blessings
Truthy, thanks for asking, my head is swimming with all the implications and the legal process. I have been interviewed by a very understanding police officer.
He has created a file detailing my abuser’s name, age, physical description, address, place of work, I also gave a recent photograph. I also gave his creepy mother’s name, telephone number and address, and the two email addresses I have for abuser.
The police have recorded that he is married, and has a young son, and that he decieved me about his marital status for months.
I told them for the file that he abused me physically and mentally during a visit to France last October. I told them I do not want to press charges for this, there is no physical evidence now although abuser took photos, which I do not have an d which he will deny the existence of, naturally but I cannot handle pressing charges and almost certainly losing the case as my DV adviser warned me, realistically, to prepare for.
I explained that I have told abuser I want him to leave me alone, that my best friend has told him to leave me alone, and that he continues to email, text, phone and send parcels containing delusional, upsetting and controlling messages.
I told them for the file I could not work for nearly 3 months, am on meds, need counseling of two types, and am seriously considering moving apartment.
There is a clear distinction made in law here between harrassment and stalking. His behavious falls under harrassment.
There are two options: you either seek a RO or a Civil Injunction. Breaking an RO carries heavier penalities.
To get an RO , you have to build a case with the police to prosecute under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997. If he is successfully prosecuted, that would be in open court, so you have no privacy at all, members of the public can be there, and local journalists; the conviction triggers an RO, banning him from specified behaviours e.g. emailing, calling, texting, sending pracels, attempting to approach me or my home, or my workplace, or my family.
Conviction under the act for harassment results in a maximum 6 month sentence ( which would involve extradiction from France or he could appeal to serve any sentence there) or a fine.
The well documented negative effects on my health and all the cards, emails, the V Day parcel etc will all help build a strong case. However , prosecution will leave a permanent record on his criminal records and he would almost certainly lose his job ( he works for a bank).
The second option is to file for a Civil Injunction. There are two types, a ”non-molestation order” used to stop harassment, pestering and threats, and an ”occupation order” which removes an abuser from a home they share with victimes. That obviously doesnt apply with me. The hearing would be in a closed court and I would only have legal support, no friend or family allowed in.
I am pretty sure I want to go for a CI. I have the paperwork and have to tell the police what I want to do by the end of the week. I have to put together my affidavit, detailing my physical and / or mental abuse , with my medical records, etc.
If we file , and the court accepts there is a case, the abuser will be served notice by the French police with the date of the CI hearing. He can be at that hearing if he wants.
The police have warned me that sometimes the court will just ask a harasser if they have no prior record ( he was interviewed by the French police when his first wife reported him for domestic violence but charges were never brought so he has no record) for a ”prmise” not to continue harassing. Lol!! But the victim can refuse to accept that and press for a formal CI if you don’t trust the abuser . Double LOL!!
Once the CI order has been granted it is only in effect if there is proof the abuser received it so again the French police would have to hand it to him, if he did not attend the hearing.
That’s where I am at Truthy. My God, you live and learn.
x
Tea Light:
Good luck to you with all this. It seems like it could be very overwhelming. Thinking of you…x