It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blas̩, apathetic Рthe opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
I’ve always thought of myself as an idealist who is also a realist. The two just don’t go together. Since my experiences, I find I am both jaded and cynical. Only when it comes to the matters of the heart. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever lose the cautioning and questioning state of mind in which my experiences left me. I’ve been told that I ask too many questions. I didn’t before, because I trusted wholeheartedly and was taken for a chump.
I would like to ask which is better? To go with the heart or head? I did a Google search and came up with different trains of thought. Our heart is the seat of our emotions and our head contains the reasoning portion, or so I’ve been told. Do we go with logistics or emotions? Should we allow our emotions to rule our logical thinking? Even though a man really turns our head and makes us feel special, but yet doesn’t make us a priority is that reason enough to dump him or wait to see if he comes around. I must admit that when it comes to the matter of the heart, mine has been badly broken, but then my head has been messed with too, to the point where I didn’t know if I were coming or going. I’ve always wondered what other people used as their basis for deciding that certain someone was the right one. I’m always on the look out for good information. I wish the answer were written for me and I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt which path to take. I really don’t like indecision and I’ve reached that point, and I’d really like to hear and learn.
Personally, I feel and think it is better to have the heart and head working as a team. I have lived in my head quite alot of my life and so, it was easier for those who wanted to screw my mind. I have learnt to listen to my intuition. When my head was being screwed up with my ex’s words, it was actually my feelings which were knocking on my door – I have learnt to pay much more attention to my feelings and my body feelings – sometimes these are much more accurate because I was using my head to try and come up with solutions as to what he was doing and because I didnt have the whole ‘head’ picture I subjected myself to much more time and damage from him than I ought to have.
I think, taking it real slow and allowing time for input to distill itself in our minds and bodies before accepting what is handed to us. Because as I have learnt to my cost, there can be great illusion around what someone else says and does. Also really allowing that divine wisdom to do its work through us may be the only true yardstick.
What I think is that after the dust settles and the rawness of the wound of deep betrayal starts to fade, I find that I am still the same person I was before. No, not really true, I’m actually better because God has added yet another lesson for me in life. And as with every lesson we can learn and eventually overcome, or we can lick our wounds and bury ourselves in the sands of jadedness and cynicism. It’s our choice.
I’m saddened because I was introduced to something that needs to be changed or needs to be helped, but found in the secular world that there is no hope of changing. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. In God’s world hope always remains, but there is an appropriate time when you must acknowledge your mortal limitations and surrender to them. “. . . for the battle is not yours, but God’s.” I am left to ponder two questions, as a society what is our responsibility toward these people who, through probably a combination of nature and nurture, are walking wounded looking for in others what they don’t find and can’t understand in themselves. And secondly, as a society and as people now intimately aware of the destruction they are able to cause, what is our responsibility to the uninformed?
Personally and thankfully, I’ve taken time to reflect and heal. When I found Lovefraud, it gave me direction in putting the pieces of a hurtful, confusing and frustrating puzzle into perspective. I will always be indebted to those responsible for initiating and maintaining this site. When you think you’ve had it bad, just look around you and then you can be grateful, as I am. I got to the other side, relatively easily in comparison. I wasn’t taken for great sums of money, though I believe that was the true intent, that and more. My grandfather always said, “Be wary the horse trader lest you want to be on foot.” That has served me well. My heart was taken on a roller coaster ride, but part of that puzzle is determining the role I played in allowing that to happen, after all it does take two. I don’t think you can move forward without spending some time looking inward first and foremost. Honesty not just in the eyes of someone else, but in your own, and establishing and protecting your boundaries are but two of the many lessons I was shown.
Those are my thoughts, that after the storm there will be a rainbow. That’s His plan. My plan is to resume searching for the gold at its end.
I’d like to think that I am neither jaded nor cynical. Just much more educated than I ever wanted to be in the ways of sociopaths. I’m actually somewhat grateful for the experience. I came out of it comparatively whole and will definitely not make the same mistakes again. I’ve learned that my instincts are usually right, and that I should follow my gut when it says RUN. If it says that to me a little more often these days, then I’m grateful for having honed my self-protective skills. Am I jaded or cynical? I suppose that depends on your perspective. I think I’m wiser and 1000 times happier than I was when I was with him.
Benzthere… I hear ya….
The things I see differently about me and my attitude now after my socio relationship…..
Trusting someone won’t come as easily or as quickly as before…. I will LISTEN to what they are really saying, and WATCHING to see if their actions match their words. Those things came with the education that I got the hard way with her, and also the realzations that I grasped here and other sites on the net. Let’s just say I am now a informed single male in his 40’s who still believes that there are good people, both men and women out there who are willing to work at a healthy relationship…. I just now know that there really are evil people with secret agendas that will hurt you intentionally with no remorse on their part, and then slither away with no accountablity for the mess they make…before all of this, I had no idea what sociopaths were, and what they were capable of…..so.. with this knowledge, I am able to make safer, healthier choices in future relationships.
Benzthere mentioned boundaries, and that has been a new thing for me.. in the past, I might have been afraid to speak up when someone hurt me, or disappointed me…or pressured me to do something I really didn’t want to do… not now, not ever again… If someone isn’t thoughtful, or kind, or is rude in some way… I call them on it… this is something that I have done with both romantic relationships and platonic relationships with both sexes. I know that being honest about how I feel when someone is not playing by the rules, and expressing that, instead of pushing it down, is a direct result form my sociopath experience. Aso my tolerance for crazy, inconsistant behaviour is nil… I won’t put up with it… in the past, I may have been more flexible about that, but I do see now that if someone’s not being consistant, then there must be a deeper problem with them.
Although I may be overly cautious, and somewhat guarded now when dating and or entering a relationship, I really see that as a healthy thing…. I highly doubt that any of us here would readily jump with both feet, and child-like innocence into a relationship, like we may have before….I know that I will love smarter…all it took was a year long relationship with a crazy person, two years to heal from it, and like Benzthere, I too have resumed my search for that rainbow and for the reward that lays at it’s end…. but this time.. it’s going to be different….. it’s going to be real.
apt/mgr and beverly – You both raise the matter of heart and head. This is a simple way I have of talking about it. Think of thinking and feeling as opposing muscle groups – say the quadriceps at the front of the thigh and the hamstring at the back. For most of us one of these is more developed than the other and this imbalance causes inefficient movement and injuries. get them in balance and one’s system works efficiently.
Good thinking abilities involve good feeling abilities and vice versa, I believe.
benzthere – Yes, that’s what I was getting at in my post – cynicism and jadedness are understandable, but is there are ways to not go either there or back to over-innocence (if that was an original problem). Religion can certainly be a powerful ally in finding another way to be.
What you say about looking inward because “after all it does take two” is crucial.
However, like anything, introspection can be a bad thing if one digs a hole for oneself, right? I suppose one could substitute the question above with: Is it worse to feel one is bad or worthless? Taking my lead from you my answer would be neither – find another way.
notquitebroken – Neither jaded nor cynical – better educated. That’s the ticket!
southernman429 – You said – “My tolerance for crazy, inconsistant behaviour is nil; I won’t put up with it. In the past, I may have been more flexible about that, but I do see now that if someone’s not being consistant, then there must be a deeper problem with them.”
That sounds right to me. Perhaps learning from this type of experience means becoming sensitised to it – like developing a wheat intolerance – one can no longer stomache it.
Hopefully this increases the time and energy one has for regular folks.
Well, Dr. Steve……. we all know that our socio’s didn’t start out showing their hand.. it took months on their part to “act” normal, before the energy of doing that became too much for them, and their little fake game showed it’s self….. and by then the hook was in our heart… I know that I’ll be on guard a lot longer then in the past when in a relationship.. the question is how much longer then before will it take for me to be truely trusting and relaxed in a relationship???………………I really don’t know…… I’m praying that armed with knowledge and wisdom, and equiped with eyes that really see, and with God on my side… and with some luck on my side as well…… I won’t be looked at as the crazy one in the next relationship.. when she says something or does something and a old tape plays in my mind, and I run out of the house like my clothes are on fire…….. lol