It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blas̩, apathetic Рthe opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
Sarasims, bless your heart. What you are in love with is a fantasy – an impersonation – a lie. That which you believed to exist was fabricated with the sole intention of baiting, luring, and hooking a great source of sport, that being you.
Spaths are INCAPABLE of feeling love, romance, honesty, integrity, or any other empathetic emotions. What they do feel is envy, avarice, and torturous delight in emotionally dismembering their SOURCE TARGETS. When the emotional dismemberment isn’t enough, they turn to physical torture, humiliation, and degradation. They do not love. They only hate, and hate with such a depth that “normal” empathetic human beings cannot wrap their heads around such malice.
As victims, we have no more importance than a disposable lighter. We are replacable, though toying with our emotions feeds the spath monkey and it is a game for them to throw us away and reel us back in, time and time, again. They delight in causing damage: physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, it’s all the same to an spath, be they romantically involved, friends, family, coworkers, or supervisors.
As Survivors, we confound their most elaborate plans and thwart their attempts to burn our souls down to less than ashes. They suck the very life force from us because they lack “life,” themselves. They are emotional vampires, and not the romantic type that is being portrayed, these days. They are dark, they are cruel, and they are 100% evil.
Your healing begins just as it has for all Survivors: leaving the Land of Denial, no matter how painful it is. Truth is truth, and believing in something that doesn’t exist is only helping to feed that spath monkey. We will meet the Tooth Fairy before we ever meet an spath with a bona fide soul.
Brightest blessings to you, Sarasims.
Dear Oxy and Buttons,
Thank you for the reminder Oxy and I NEVER take offense to what you say for I know it’s true. But for some reason I need these constant “kick me in the ass” reminders. And Buttons, sometimes it is just nice to see that someone knows where you are…for they’ve been there too and your words make me cry. Why….why can we love someone with ALL of our heart and soul and despite the fact that they said they felt the same, they hurt you over and over again. You know, he doesn’t even have to lie anymore, I just throw myself to him, hoping and praying that our time together will make him “remember” the good times and fall in love with me.
One of the last times our paths crossed, I told him that he was an Spath…a crazy SPATH. When we met yesterday, he even referred to that. He had looked it up. I thought “wow, maybe he realizes he has a problem”….but then he denied that he was that monster. That he didn’t use and discard people.
My heart aches ….my body physically aches for him. To have him understand and be that person that he was before. I just can’t seem to accept that he isn’t that person. He still wears a very special gift I gave to him and was upset when he found I was talking to another man. I use these to reassure me that he “must” still care for me. But my head tells me a different story that my heart will never believe. It’s been over a year and I cant help but hope and pray every single day that there is a change in him. To hear from him. I am truly a hopeless case.
Dear Sara,
QUOTE: “I am truly a hopeless case.” BOINK!!!!!!!!
Speaking of Kicking you in the ASS! Sara, you are only a “hopeless case” as long as you say you are, and you WILL be a “hopeless case” as long as you keep telling yourself that.
When YOU deside to get out of the “land of denial” and quit the BS-ing yourself. Remember the “11th commandment?”
Thou shalt not fool thyself!@....... Quit violating that commandment and quit fooling yourself. You KNOW the truth. ONLY YOU are responsible for getting out and staying out of the relatiionship. If you LIKE feeling this way, just keep telling yourself “I’m hopeless” and if you DON’T LIKE feeling like a piece of crap who is used and discarded by a psychopath who has no more consideration for you than a used condom, then grow you a back bone girlie and say to yourself.
I DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER AND I WILL NO LONGER ALLOW THIS MAN TO CONTROL MY MIND, BODY OR EMOTIONS.
Wearing something you gave him….ah commmmmme on, makes me PUKE. THAT’s cause he cares? DUH! Get real girl! We care about you here, but we can’t save you. YOU have to save you or continue to wallow in fantasy! BLUNT Truth, but said because I do care! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
Oxy…..
You know, I knew the truth. I knew it even before I gave myself to him yesterday. I was changing and saying to myself “why, why are you doing this?” I KNEW how it would end and I DID it anyway. And in the next room he waited, charming and knowing I couldn’t say no. Bc our physical relationship was unbelievable. And all the while, me praying for a different end result.
With a morsel (an ounce of attention)…..he can feed me for months….and it’s so sad that I’ve lowered myself to that.
Sara darlilng,
Ask yourself WHY you are willing to lick his boots and eat his chit for that “fantasy”—knowing how it will turn out.
Do you see the same thing about you and him and your craving for him that is like a drug addict wanting a FIX knowing it will cost them everything?
It IS LIKE AN ADDICTION and I firmly suggest that you get some PROFESSIONAL HELP to help you kick this problem. I don’t want to see someone go down the rest of their lives throwing their life away for a FANTASY like an addict! It isn’t a bit different than a crack addict selling themselves for a fix. I’ve DONE IT MYSELF SARA! Only our DRUG is not made in someone’s bathtub or grown in South America it is in our own BRAINS and we are the only ones who can STOP our supply. It doesn’t come across the border in Arizona or Mexico we DO IT TO OURSELVES.
But we can do it Sara, we just have to love ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the DEVESTATION that we heap on our own heads by continuing this behavior of ALLOWING them inside our souls. Honey, I’ve been there, in just about every role that a person can interact with a psychopath can interact with them, but only NOW when I’m over 60 am I really learning to love myself, learning what a fantastic person I am, and TREATING MYSELF as well as I treat others.
ONLY YOU can protect yourself sara, and I’m not banging on your head to punish you (I bet you’ve punished yourself enough!) but to GET YOUR ATTENTION to what you are doing to YOURSELF. it isn’t about him abusing you any more, but about you SEEKING HIM OUT, longing for him, KNOWING he is going to use you, and then making excuses for yourself, then punishing yourself again. STOP THE CYCLE SWEETIE!!!! STOP IT!!!! ((((Hugs))))) and my prayers Sara. Love Oxy
Oxy….where can I find a professional that can help with this. The last therapist I saw was not equiped to deal with sociopaths. How do I find the right person?
Sara, hi.
I’ve been there. It’s a terrible place to be and it IS an addiction. I believe my spathy/narc deliberately got me hooked, using every technique he had at his disposal, and added to my low (non-existent) self-esteem and daddy issues that meant I was insane for the whole time I knew him. It took me several attempts to break the addiction/trauma bond but I got there in the end because there is NO dignity in this whatsoever. Don’t let yourself get any older knowing that you see yourself as THIS worthless; that you are willing to sacrifice yourself to someone who does not deserve you.
It does get worse before it gets better and you have to be very courageous to get through the pain but once you do then slowly, slowly you will find life becoming better than it ever has been before because you suddenly realise that you are worth FAR MORE than you knew! Life becomes so much sweeter because you know you absolutely deserve your place in it.
Today I SWEAR I could smell things better than I could ever remember doing before. I could smell the blossoms on the trees and the Spring flowers more vividly than ever because I am now out of the trance. You have to feel the pain which probably started in childhood, that you have been trying to ‘fix’ with this excuse for a man. He isn’t stupid, but he probably thinks you are. It’s all about power and control for him. Don’t tell him that you’re worth so little.
You can do this. I was so sexually addicted to my Narc that I would almost vomit at the thought of not being with him and now I could vomit at the thought of being WITH him. How’s that for a turnaround? It won’t be easy Sara but with the help of the people on here you can do it. If I can anyone can because I nearly killed myself. I was in bed most of the day for a long time, having given up on ever recovering. Today I am happy! How’s that? It’s amazing and I know you can get there too. Big hug Sara.
Sara, the book I bought first of all when I realised I was addicted was ‘How to break your addiction to a person’ by Howard Halpern. It’s brilliant. Whether or not you love him is irrelevant because you are also addicted. Nobody who wasn’t addicted would put up with spathy behaviour. I also love The Betrayal Bond which tells you that you are trauma bonded, which also tricks your heart into believing you ‘love’. It’s a terrible hunger to make someone care when they don’t but it can be beaten. Susan Anderson’s ‘From Abandonment to Healing’ is also great. She describes the feeling of rejection better than anyone I’ve ever read.
Sorry I don’t know your details so I don’t wish to speak out of turn or tell you what you already know but as I am feeling so much better I wish you could too. It’s a miracle for me and I am keen to help other people.
Verity,
Your words speak volumes! I’ve been here at LF for about 1/2 year on and off and want so badly to be in your shoes! To want to vomit at the thought of him….and in my mind I can say….I am strong, I can do this, I hate him, He will never do this to me again. But the moment I am in his presence, all that crumbles. I begin to tremble like a schoolgirl. My heart pounds in my chest and I cave at his very touch! I’ve been 5 months NC and last week I started having cravings for him. And even dreams that lasted ALL night…even after waking and going back to sleep. Last Friday, I couldn’t focus for my desire to see or talk to him. But I have no way to reach him….dont have his number and can’t go to his home. Then it seemed almost as if fate brought us together….but it’s really just a cruel joke I guess. Bc now I suffer again. Will I ever be there? That I can be in his presence and say, “you know what, see ya around”….and simply walk away? Is there really that possibility?