It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blasé, apathetic – the opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
Oh….and I too have been in bed most days wanting to do nothing but sleep my life away….and im even on antidepressants!
Sara, I started reading here for the first time, I think, in the Winter of 2008 when I first left him, but I went back for more last Summer and I’m only now recovering, having spoken to him for the last time (and this I KNOW!) in January. I knew I’d had enough.
Believe me, you have to really, really have hit bottom and not want it any more before you can stop it. It will happen when you mean it.
You need to stop romanticising it or him. Tell yourself to stop that now. You have to reframe the whole thing and see it for the destructive thing it is. He is not on your side, he is on HIS side only. He’s poison to you and you have to see him that way.
I promise you it’s doable. I was so addicted that I thought death was better than not having him. My therapist specialised in addiction so she knew about love and sex addiction and she also knew psychopaths from having worked with them. I don’t have her any more but books and websites like this one will help a lot. I had to get to the bottom of why I was staying with him even once I had him sussed and that was because of my childhood abuse. You might have to get into that stuff to realise that it’s not about him really, it’s about your feelings about yourself which probably started when you were very little. Stop focussing on him because this is about why you think you need that in your life. I was punishing myself with my Narc — continuing the work my dad had started.
Yes, it’s possible. 🙂
And anti-depressants and me don’t mix, so I had to do it without drugs. You can do it Sara.
Dear Sara,
Darling if you are on antidepressants and STILL wanting to sleep your life away, they are NOT working, and you need to see a psychiatrist (not your family doctor) and get your meds either increased or changed. This is fairly common with depression that you may have to try different drugs or different doses. So do NOT quit the medication just talk to a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL not your family doc. Your family doc can Rx meds, but theya re usually not up on the best for what different kinds of depressions and so on. Each of us has a different need so don’t give up. they WILL HELP.
Getting out of that depression will be a big help in you cutting loose from the addictiuon. Thank you Verity for chiming in here and giving her some good suggestions and advice on Books.
If nothing else, Sara, go to an AL ANON meeting, it is a 12 step program for people who are ADDICTED to NEGATIVE people like alcoholics, drug addicts etc. so it might be of help to you in the REAL WORLD with someone to call if you need to talk. I still think a mental health professional therapist might help in addition to a 12 step AL ANON program. I can’t tell you a “name” but you just have to find one in your area who does get it. Go in and tell them what you “addiction” is and hopefully they can help you get to the root of your problem. BUT don’t be afraid to tell them, “thanks but I don’t think you get it” and go look for another.
Verity is right it will be tough, but it is going to be tougher to spend the rest of your life just hanging around waiting for him to call you because he’s horney and wants to assure himself that even if he treats you like dirt, all he has to do is pick up the phone and you are his slave. Gosh how POWERFUL YOU ARE ALLOWING HIM TO BE! Take back your power, darling!!! (((hugs)))) You are SOOOO WORTH IT!!!!
Absolutely right Oxy, 12-stepping too. That would help no end.
But Sara, if you don’t do anything he will keep coming back and you will keep letting him. You have to prove it to yourself that you mean it by reading the books at least, but 12-stepping would be great. Patrick Carnes ‘The Gentle Path’ (a 12-step book) would be a good start if you can’t get to a group.
Sara,
For whatever it is worth, this is something that YOU have to take charge of and do, no one can do it for you! There is also no easy way to do it, it is going to take work, but I do think at least at first, that you should get into a 12-step or group therapy thing REAL LIFE for some mega-support, and also pull out all the stops other wise too—read books, and get your medication dose/kind checked and do EVERYTHING to focus on getting yourself SAFE from this guy, it isn’t about him any more it is about SAVING YOUR LIFE, your sanity, your peace and happiness.
I sort of look at it like a preg woman, she KNOWS she is going into labor and when the pains start, she DREADS IT, but she knows no one can do it for her, she has to WALK THAT VALLEY HERSELF and you and ONLY YOU can “give birth” to the NEW AND IMPROVED, PEACEFUL AND HAPPY SARASIMS!!!! Buy you can do it!!!!! We are here to cheer you on, to shout encouragement (and kick your butt lovingly once in a while LOL) but we can’t do it for you! BUT YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! In the end you will be sooooo glad too!!!! (((hugs))))
Sara,
I am standing with all the great advice that verity and Oxy are sending your way.
but i will also add that even though you do need to see a mental health pro. to talk about the antidepressants and get the dosage/type adjusted, they don’t work for everybody. there are many organic cause for depression and antidepressants don’t work with them all.
you are living in a heavy fantasy land and in deep denial. i sometimes think that depression is a result of bargaining with lies and our psyches know it. of course we need the genetic predisposition to go there, but i think there is an element of resisting the truth at play when it takes me.
all the best,
and snap ye out of it- you are worth so much more than the broken glass slipper.
Dear Sara, I’m sorry you are feeling so low and dispairing. I agree with Oxy and others that a 12=step goup could help you soooovery much. From what you’ve written here, I would say you’ve mastered step one, as step one is about admitting defeat. It IS about hopelessness, but through that hopelessness we find hope. Moveing on to the 2 step is all about identifying the insanity in continueing to do the same thing over and over, but expecting differnt results. It is in the stubborn belief that, “this time, it will be different”. Of couse it never is. So the second step is really about believing that we can recover, that our thinking can change and we can gain control of our lives.
I thought this link might come in handy for you. God bless.
http://loveaddicts.org/LAAHomeIndex.html
KIMMY!!!!!!
Hey, One_step. How ya doing?