It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blasé, apathetic – the opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
alive and kicking….at all kinds of things. 😉
computer fixed, brain still mushy.
I’m glad your computer has recovered from its virus.
My brain feels mushy tonight, too. I just feel tired and have a bit of a head-ache. Will probably go to bed early. Nice to see ya. 🙂
Sara,
If you really are trying to sleep all the time, I’d want to know how your sleep is. If you are not sleeping well, it contributes to how you feel emotionally and the emotions are really tough when you haven’t really rested for a long time.
You aren’t hopeless. No one is, but you may have proble,s that can be mechanically fixed that will help the emotional ones. GEt a real check up. Everything. And Thyroid too.
If your body is functioning, then you have to get busy doing other things and move on. Its just the way it is.
Otherwise, you will love being forlorn and there won’t be room for someone else.
Hi K and 1
Done early tonight too.
Good thoughts.
kim – i had a totally stupid, horrid, feel like carp (yes, carp, i have thing for bottom feeders…) no energy and bloody minded and feeling stupid day. i have been sick and today i woke in a purgatory. i finally gave up and went and meditated in the sun.
and lay down and let some of the flashbacks come.
an hour and a half and i came into the house sane….ish. and have been working on a resume for another job application. i am getting SO much better with my focus, but when it doesn’t work, really doesn’t work, i think i have to just throw the towel in and give myself some care.
‘night silver!
Hi, Guys! Not sure if this is relevant to anything being discussed right now, but my subconscious has just thrown up something.
Ive just remembered something. When I gave my older spath daughter a present,, whether it was cash, a gift to furnish her flat, a pair of trainers, anythng, she used to make this sort of “crowing” noise. Sort of with a quaver in her voice. I was always touche d by this,always took it to mean she was pleased with the gift, -and maybe she was, but I suddenly see that it meant”IVE WON AGAIN!! IVE SUCKERED HER AGAIN!” Ive SCREWED HER AGAIN, and its so dam easy!
Like a rooster crowing! Ive WON! Has anyone else noticed this?
Love, Mama gem.XX
Hi everyone – you all have no idea what your support and advice means to me right now. I spent the day out and it proved to be incredibly uplifting. I went to the bookstore and loaded up on the books mentioned and some others I thought looked helpful. One I found called “Is it Love or is it Addiction?” by Brenda Schaeffer looks very interesting.
A few things I know from square 1 (all over again):
1. He wont change.
2. I’ve known its been an addiction for a long time!
3. I no longer envy the women he’s “courting” instead of me. I know they will soon be in my same shoes.
3. I want it all to go away. To sleep at night without him in my dreams. No feeling sorry for myself bc I can’t hear his voice or don’t know where he’s at or what he’s doing. To wake and go an ENTIRE day without him popping in my thoughts!
The things I don’t understand:
1. Why everytime I say I won’t do it again bc I do “get it”, I do it anyway.
2. Why I feel that if I am a “good girl” and live right by others, I will be rewarded. Meaning being accepting and supporting and loving.
3. Why I think that if I look in his eyes and pour my heart out to him, it will change the way he feels about me.
4. And why I still can’t get thru my head that the illusion he painted in the beginning was never really him….the one I fell in love with. I still keep thinking he’s in there!
I realize very plainly that I am living for the fix. But I keep hoping and praying that the end result will be different. And it never is.
And I realize I am dead stuck in the endless cycle. Sometimes I say, I have to do it bc I don’t want him to get the last word. The last time I told him off but good and threatened to go to the police if he ever contacted me again. It should have been my day of glory but a month later I’m writing and apologizing. Telling him I didn’t mean a word of it.
I’ve feel the anger and the hate and it gets me no where. He doesn’t want a thing in this world to do with me. He has stopped calling and when we just bumped into each other, it happened all over again. I had told him I was involved with someone else (bc I am talking to someone – but nothing physical). He told me that it upset him to hear that. Then after we had sex he said “you can’t be sleeping with him bc if you were, you wouldn’t have just slept with me”…..it makes me so mad to know that he knows me that well. And perhaps it was a test to see “how involved” I really am?
I’m just so tired of thinking and thinking about it all. Of being angry. Bc even when I thought anger toward him or “getting even” would help….it didn’t.
Thank you all again for continuing to listen, advise and share. Your SUPPORT AND LOVE MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!!!
Hugs to you all and thanks for the website and book recommendations…..I’m trying so very hard. I know I just have to hit the right words to make the light click!
And you know…..you guys are right. It is about total denial. He even told me the last time that all he wanted was sex…no ties. That our lives “have gone in different directions” and there is no room for me. But I keep thinking, “yes, but you still want to make love to me. somewhere deep down, you must have feeling for me.” Bc for some reason I keep thinking that no one could be so cruel. He loves me, he justs afraid to admit it. Just put an L on my head for LOSER! How stupid can one be!
Sarasims, it takes a while to process all of the truths. Boundaries is where I’ve always gone wrong – I didn’t know how to erect them or maintain them. I’m still having boundary issues, and I guess I’ll be sorting it all out for the rest of my life. You’ll be fine, Sarasims. Be kind to yourself and forgiving to yourself.