It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blas̩, apathetic Рthe opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
Buttons – thanks for the encouragement! I guess we all have our weaknesses – at the moment mine seem to be holding me underwater!
Oxy ”“ since your a pro, can you tell me how the things I know and things I still don’t understand (from above) can be used to my advantage? How can I make these pieces fit and say to myself “NO” once and for all?
Sara,
Sugar, I might have been a “pro” (Licensed) but I was just as screwed up as the next person, and just as susceptible to believing the lies because I WANTED TO believe them, rather than face the UGLY TRUTH.
Denial is a stage of dealing with injury when the injury is so big we can’t Process it in one bite. You find out someone you love is dead in a car wreck. and you say and feel “OH NO!!!! that can’t be true.” But eventually with a death (or other loss) you have tocme to grips with the fact it IS TRUE. It is not what you want, but it is true.
You bargain, you pray “Oh, God, let this be amistake I will go to church every day for the rest of my life if this is not true.”
Then you may be sad, and cry and cry, and then go back to denial, or bargaining, flipping and flopping back and forth. Then Angry, then finally you accept it, it is TRUTH, YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT. Then back to denial and sadness and so on. Back and forth like a rollercoaster to hell.
I have smoked most of my adult life and I have quit several times for up to a year, but I never really wanted to quit. I just kept being in DENIAL about what it was doing to my health. Finally about 6 months ago I said to myself “Oxy, you MUST QUIT SMOKING you are killing yourself. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT A CIGARETTED YOU HAVE TO STOP.”
I stopped and I have not smoked since and I KNOW I WILL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN. Period. I have QUIT this time. Always before I just “stopped” but I knew in the back of my mind that I would restart some time, quitting was NOT forever. This time it is different. I MADE UP MY MIND TO QUIT.
I can do anything I make up my mind to do. PERIOD. And so can you. As soon as you DECIDE you will not listen to him, then you will NOT LISTEN TO HIM.
When someone lights up near me, I may even get a twinge of wanting one, then I say to MYSELF, YOU CANNOT DO THAT, IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU. And the momentary desire for the cigarette is gone.
You can do the same thing. It may not be easy, but you CAN DO IT. YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING IT.But you MUST make up your mind that you CAN DO IT, and that YOU WILL do it.
You are not a child, you are an adult, and adults take control over the things in their life that they know are important. YOu KNOW it is important to stay away from him, that he is like a TOXIC tumor in your heart, and you CAN do it.
God bless you Sara, you can do it! (((Hugs)))
Sara, I could only do it when my self-esteem was in the gutter. When I couldn’t lose any more dignity and live. When I realised I was worth more than this. Go Sara!!!!! 🙂
Sara, You will keep giving in to your addiction until you hit bottom. Have you hit bottom? How low can you go? How do you know when you’ve hit your bottom? It’s exactly the place you are when you quit digging the hole. Are you ready to quit digging, and start climbing out? I think you are.
Here is the point where you must grab on to some kind of faith. Faith that you CAN turn this around; faith that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.
You probably don’t feel it right now, but you are at a very exciting and HUGE point in your life….this is your time….ALL ABOUT YOU!!! Make yourself your project, put every ounce of energy you have into your recovery. READ, PRAY OR MEDITATE, surround yourself with like-minded people, I would suggest working a 12 step program, (you can do it on-line, although if you do, you miss out on the fellowship of others). Realize that you are at step 2. You are seeking help, and trying to believe that you can stop the insanity, that you can DO THIS. At this stage, you probably feel that your addiction has a mind of it’s own and is actually something independant of you, with a will that is bigger than you are. That is why we come to believe that something else, that is bigger than we are, bigger even than our addiction, CAN AND WILL help us. That power may or may not be GOD to you, at this point…It could be your subconscience mind that seeks goodness and health for itself…It could be the fellowship of a 12 step group, it could be the good will of us here at LF. It could be almost anything that you can put your faith in.
Saying, “please” in the morning, to this power, and “thank-you” at night when you put your head down, is very powerfull. Remember that getting better, feeling better, is inevitable as long as you don’t use….(him, your addiction).
And remember that you can get over him, but, if you’re an addict you’ll use again (find another one just like him, and cycle through the process all over again) unless you deal with the underlying issues…YOU.
Addiction is only a symptom of our disease DIS-EASE.
The point is to be at ease. Not constantly cycling through hell.
I’ve got you in my prayers.
Sorry, guys. Hope I’m not preaching, but I REALLY DO believe in the 12 steps. We here at LF are such a diverse group, but we’re all dealing with an enormous dillema.
There are probably numerious ways of dealing with our recovery. Probably, as many ways as there are ways of perceiving what has happened to us. I don’t think that ALL of us were in the grips of an addiction, but, I think I WAS, and occasionally, I think some others of us are, too. I think this because of what these others say about their experience….So, I hope ya’ll will be tolerant of my point of view, and my attempts to help, in my own way. LOVE YOU LF.
Aint it a beautiful day?
Dear Rev. Kimmie,
YOu keep on preaching, I’ll say amen!!!!! (((hugs))))
Kim, you are spot-on. And, sometimes, it’s the things that seem harshest as makes the most sense.
Right now, this morning, I am about an eyelash away from closing the door to my youngest son. As I’m putting together all that has happened throught my years with the ex spath, and the games that it played after I left, I am seeing the same subtle patterns in my youngest. This is not to say that he fits the spath profile, but he is 100% a victim, and everyone around him has enabled his victimization.
Here is the dilemma: he is 19. He lived with his older spath brother who disappeared the setllement after their father’s death. He’s facing graduation and he’s been living with the family of his best friend throughout school. Every adult who has influence has done everything within their considerable powers to see to this young man’s needs, including filling out his paperwork for him to see that he is eligible for all kinds of assistance.
Now, all of a sudden, youngest son opens the lines of communication and there’s all of this talk about his wanting to visit, needing his mother, and possibly staying after graduation. And, he doesn’t want to “…get anyone’s hopes up?”
Someone…….anyone……..an objective take on this. All of my senses are saying, “Don’t DO it – make him ASK for help and explain why he needs my help!”
….and, oh-by-the-way…..Kim mentioned the addiction, and there can also be the addiction to “helping” someone. That was the point of my rant, above. I feel that I can help my son. I feel that he is salvagable. BUT, I have got to figure out how to separate myself from this need, this desire, this hunger to “make things right” from the Survivor that I’m becoming.
Thanks, LF for providing help, insight, and healing. Holy cats.
Buttons – he is love bombing you. version 101 for mothers.
he just needs someone else to sponge off of. he doesn’t want to support himself. and you are looking like the next support – or as we sometimes say, ‘supply.’ and if he has been living with a spath then he has all the moves, even if his interior is vastly different.
and his ‘doesn’t want to “”get anyone’s hopes up?” ‘ is a pre-emptive line, so that when he messes you over, he can say he warned you (which makes it’s all your fault). yup, he has been living with a spath.
i really wouldn’t let him come, even for a visit, as i suspect getting him out of your house will then become your full time job, after you have done everything possible for him and you are at wits end.
and you are right on about the helping disease. if you focus on recovery from that whilst dealing with him, it will stand you in good stead.