It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blas̩, apathetic Рthe opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
{{{Erin1972}}} I understand where you’re at. Unfortunately, we’re “out there” in society, and learning new ways to interact are part of the process. Unless we have the luxury of becoming completely isolated, interaction is pretty mandatory. Being “unfriendly” doesn’t necessarily help us heal – it helps to perpetuate the misery that the spath has caused. It’s part of the collateral damage that extends beyond me. One of the few things that I can say with confidence is this: not everyone is going to be like the spath. I can be friendly without opening up my boundaries, which has always been an issue for me.
Brightest blessings, Erin1972
buttons-thanks. That’s what I have a hard time with-being friendly and still keeping my boundaries closed. I just do not trust myself at all due to my history of every relationship being with an spath and/or narcissist. This one was the worst and the one I considered to be my first true love. I don’t trust myself so I scare myself. It feels more comfortable to be closed up than have to be stressed about opening up my boundaries again. I don’t want those walls to come down.
Erin1972, it’s less work to be “closed up.” It feels “safe.” But, it can become a detriment, especially for an individual who isn’t that type of personality.
For you and EVERY spath survivor….brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHr9CJRhTPk
Buttons-super great song. I hadn’t heard Annie in SO long. She is insane. I love her voice so much. I do feel safe being closed off. Right now it feels very very comfortable. I feel like I’m doing so much better now that it’s been a year.
It was good that he discarded me. We would have probably continued in the relationship and I would possibly still be there. I would have missed my chance to hopefully, when I feel safe enough, to meet the right person and have a child. Mine said that he wanted that but I have a feeling that it was a lie-just like all of the countless others that he told.
I’m glad that his wife took him back-or he bought her back. She may be the kind of woman who would let a man come home to her after nothing but constant cheating, but I AM NOT that woman. I am NO longer the woman who will ever let a man be her part time man. I hated it the whole time it was going on and I’m glad I don’t have to feel that pain anymore-wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him to come home to. He missed the fuckin boat-pardon my language. He gave up me, someone pretty amazing , for someone who really isn’t worth much. It’s his great big loss. I just hope that one day karma comes around and kicks him in the ass!
I found my experience with spaths totally damaged me. My last spath took over my friends and parks himself across the street. Where he is in my face as much as he can be.
Yes, I find I do find sympathizers for these situations. They also are negative about any men in general.
Whats wrong with me? How is it possible to care for someone that has destroyed me? Why is it every morning I wake up and think of this monster? I cant date. I no longer trust. I am constantly thinking of what was real and what was not. I meet new men and go on one date then never contact them again. Im scared. I feel like I cant even trust myself because I fell for his BS. Obviously Im not a good judge of character like I thought. I lost my innocence in the process of dealing with this man. ugh
Sarasims:
Are you anywhere around? It’s been over a year. I am just wondering if you are still with this guy??
http://mental.healthguru.com/video/the-mind-of-a-pathological-liar
this is a link about pathological lying.
It says that it remains a mystery, because researchers don’t really understand it.
I can see how this is true, until you realize that you are dealing with a sociopath whose only aim is to control and destroy. Then you know why they lie.
Sarasims:
Are you anywhere around? It’s been over a year. I am just wondering if you are still with this guy??
skylar, what you wrote somewhere about “feelings”…
I lived on feelings. Didn’t know any other way.
Why why why did I hate myself? Such a wasted life.