It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blas̩, apathetic Рthe opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
It will be a year this July when I discovered that my ex-S had gone off and married one of his children’s mothers and I will say that this year has been a journey. Its amazing because for the past, I’d say seven months, I’ve felt no pain or anger and now that the anniversary is coming, the rage is building up. Since getting married last June, his wife has since filed for divorce. I find this to be a bit amusing, but sad at the same time because he created a negative profile of me in her mind to convince her that I was desperate and dilusional. The woman was even bold enough to call me month after their nuptials and was shocked to hear that I didn’t behave the way that she expected me to and found that I was the total opposite, but she was convinced that he was the man God wanted her to be with although four years prior this same man cleaned her out and vanished on her and their child. Anyways she sent me a message on Facebook in Feb telling me that he had 9 kids and 3 on the way by other women and that he’d been in jail 3 times since they’d been married. I had no comment. I forgive him for all that he did to me and I have met someone that I am taking things slow with. It hasn’t been easy for him because I have this protective shell around me. I’m not as nice as I used to be with men and I am tough on them. I leave the first minute I hear one lying and I’m not sympathetic when I hear a sob story. If I see a single trait of a S in them, I bounce. Charming is now an ugly thing to me so when I see one trying to charm me, I grow suspicious. My new beau keeps telling me that I’m allowing my past to interfere with our present and I know that. Its amazing how much damage an S can do to you mentally. My ex started calling a lot when his wife filed for divorce giving me lie after lie, totally damaging her character and I just laugh. I’ve since blocked his number from being able to call or text me and it’s working. Thank God we live in seperate states and that he doesn’t know where I live or work!
SuperChic,
me too. I couldn’t tell that there was a difference between how I felt and how I thought. I mean, aren’t they the same thing? People like that are so easily manipulated. BUT NO MORE!
Your life has not been a waste. You have a beautiful daughter and you have family that loves you. Gather up all the positives in your life, past, present and future and give thanks for them. It will change your attitude.
Dear Breathless,
Good for you for going No Contact. And, yes, your past relationship WILL effect your current one because you have learned. LEARNED a thing or two. Learned not to trust unconditionally….learned not to let a relationship go too quickly. Learned that some people do lie. Learned that LOVE is a verb, not just a squishy feeling. Learned that how a person treats you is important and that they should treat you well or get out of your life.
Congratulations for your NC!!! Stick with it. Keep on reading and learning…it takes time to heal and to process all the anger, and other emotions about the betrayal…and BTW you didn’t lose much now did you? 12 kids on the ground or on the way? LOL What a piece of carp he is!
breathless, it sounds like you are doing well !!! Goof for you!!
I learned my lessons well… and I have changed. Too bad I didn’t know anything
when I was a young woman… I don’t have anybody to practice my new spath-radar skills on.
finally realized who things really are about what is living next door to me. After having dinner with the woman I came home confused at first but then when I couldn’t sleep last night, I entered all her traits into my phone and came up with cluster A schizoid personality with narcissistic tendencies or “secret shizo”. I think I finally figured it out and definitely can know why we relate the way we do and why I can’t have a relationship with her. I thought that I could rescue her from her life and I can’t at ALL. She doesn’t think she needs rescuing. Here are the traits: 1) rigid, inflexibility 2)do not desire any close relationships-even with family members 3) they choose solitary jobs and activities 4)takes pleasure in few activities, including sex 5) has no close friends except maybe first degree relatives 6) have difficulty relating to others 7) indifferent to praise or criticism 8)aloof and show little emotions
My neighbor next door scores high on all those traits and also has insomnia-which is a feature of it. They have all superficial relationships with people. She knows everybody but only on a superficial basis and connects with people for work and then tries to distance herself as much as possible. Secret schizos have jobs that conflict with their personality disorder. They also seem to be fatigued a lot. I believe that in having an occupation that is very social, in addition to her insomnia, exhausts her completely. They are very rigid and all about their routines. She had dinner with me last night and her other schizo buddy the night before. When we were walking home she was telling me how exhausted she was. No wonder she was. She likes having me here because I am part of her routine and she knows that she can depend on me if she absolutely needs something, like if she gets sick or hurt. She did talk more last night and self disclose more than she ever did before. When topics get too intense for her though, she starts to avoid eye contact and gets quiet. She said that she was been to therapy before and told me not to be afraid of counseling, that it’s “no big deal”. I did find that like spaths, she doesn’t have empathy or emotions but she isn’t devoid of conscience. Relationships with these people are fruitless to a normal person because they are entirely one-sided, specifically in terms of sex. They enjoy being pleasured but they don’t reciprocate and many would rather masturbate than have sex with others cuz they can’t handle the emotional component. I also found that she didn’t entice me or use the eyes on me last night. I didn’t feel any of that old intensity that I used to get.
So what did I learn? The current relationship that we have is probably all it will ever be, because she isn’t even capable of being friends, only acquaintances. I can’t have a romantic relationship with her because she doesn’t have what I need to be in a healthy relationship. The sexual part of it would be completely unfulfilling and I can’t rescue her from her life because she doesn’t think she needs to be rescued. Her life does make me sad though. I pity her because that would be a miserable existence for me if I were in her shoes, but it’s perfectly ok for her. I feel like I understand her now and don’t feel like I should expect things from her that she is incapable of. She is being all she is capable of being and I can accept her for that and that’s the way it is. It does make me feel good to see her smile sometimes though-it makes the whole thing less pitiful to me.
Dear Nolarn,
QUIT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS WOMAN!!!! You are being obsessive about her—what this woman is or is not is nothing to your life…CONCENTRATE ON YOUR LIFE, DO NOT WASTE EVEN ANOTHER SECOND IN EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS WOMAN. NC HER….don’t even speak to her, if she speaks, just nod and keep on walking, if she talks to you just say “sorry I’ve got to run” and keep on walking. YOU OWE HER NOTHING.
What her diagnosis is is BESIDE THE POINT….it is NOT IMPORTANT at all.
WHAT IS IMPORTANT is that YOU USE EVERY THOUGHT, EVERY OUNCE OF YOUR BEING AND YOUR ENERGY IN FOCUSING ON YOU…..***NOT**** in distracting yourself by even thinking about this woman.
STEP AWAY FROM THE DRAMA, MAM, OR I WILL HAVE TO BOINK YOU!!!!
2bcop
I personally appreciate your discovery and posting. I don’t think it shows drama at all. It shows your are interested in the people around you and not self-absorbed. I had researched secret schizoid before because I know a couple of people who may be schizoid, but your post made me curious again and I looked again and found this http://www.psychforums.com/schizoid-personality/topic19571.html
I’ll be doing more research, it’s so interesting.
Please remember though that people can have more than one PD. Your neighbor’s vengeful attitude toward that man and also her story about her friends’ suicides are still a bit questionable for schizoid pd.
Thanks for your post!
Sky-your test post worked, I’m looking at it!
OK my post was marked as spam and I can’t even edit it because of that.
I tried to post it 3 times.
It had a link to a schizoid forum.
Sky-I am interested to see that.