It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blas̩, apathetic Рthe opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
Ok, I’ll try this again 2becop.
I was trying to say that I don’t think you are being dramatic.
By being interested in analyzing your neighbor, you show interest in the world around you and that you aren’t self absorbed.
I had researched secret schizoid before because I think I know 2 of them. I found the schizoid pd forum. It’s great! lots of info.
But don’t forget 2bcop, that a person can have more than one PD. Her vengeance against the man who disagreed and her telling you about the suicided friends make me wonder.
As does the hot/cold.
Most schizoids don’t love bomb unless they have to I think. Her new neighbor welcome didn’t seem to be schizoid behavior.
edit.
It won’t let me post the link , just google secret schizoid.
Sky-I got it. What I was thinking though was that I am part of the routine. I know that they can have more than one PD. I do think though that schizoid is her primary PD for sure. I cant go into our entire conversation but after talking to her in a different way than she’d been before, she appears to have a conscience but no empathy and no emotions, or extremely superficial ones. I don’t want to go crazy with researching it too much but I will check out that forum. I don’t want a drama source. I don’t feel obsessed. I guess maybe I shouldn’t have posted all that but learning and figuring it out makes me less obsessed with the whole issue. It also helps me to not have drama with her because I can accept it for what it is. I am definitely not going to pursue a relationship with her but I can understand what Kim said the other day about her being confused about my behavior too. Initially I was so actively pursuing friendship and giving her a lot of attention and then immediately changed to gray rock and totally ignoring her.
I am satisfied about where I am now. I don’t feel drama. I am nervous about counseling tomorrow. She told me to make sure I don’t chicken out. The biggest concern I have right now is getting some money coming in so I don’t get evicted and talking with the counselor and working on all this old pain to get it taken care of. Just the fact that I’m going to counseling is a big positive step for me.
2bcop,
That’s really cool that finding this out has made you feel less emotional (ironically, because that’s what schizoids are)!
You’ve really helped me out too because it’s helping me make sense of these people I know, who are important to me.
YES! counseling for your traumatic experience is going to help you tie up loose ends, I’m so glad you’re doing that. Stick with it, even it if isn’t easy.
BTW, the schizoid forum mentioned Alexithymia, so I researched it. It means the inabiltiy to feel emotion. I think that’s what your neighbor has and she was trying to tell you.
I’ll try to post a link, but don’t know if the LFblog will allow me.
http://www.angelfire.com/al4/alexithymia/
info on alexithymia
Sky-thanks. I got the link and I do remember reading something about that late last night. I don’t hold anger toward her but I do feel bad for her. The bottom line is, even though I feel bad for her, I can’t rescue her. I wish I could but I can’t. I do have empathy and feel emotions-sometime too much, since I had to stifle them as a child. It’s hard for me to see someone who has such a beautiful smile hardly ever use that smile. There is something about her that is very likeable and it makes you want to be friends with her, but it doesn’t work. The hot/cold thing just makes me think that she wants me to be around her, but she can’t handle being too close. I don’t feel like she lovebombed me. Her behavior changed too after I lost my job. I will just be interested in how she behaves after I am in a full time job and situated. As someone who is planning to finish school in psychology and be a cop and a hostage negotiator and sex crimes worker, I am extremely interested and fascinated by human behavior. The stuff that I learn here and through research will help me not be fooled by these people and how they operate.
2bcop
Me too. I’m totally fascinated by this stuff.
I just read more from that link and there is another link there that explains WHY alexithemia is NOT sociopathy.
Apparently, they feel emotions but don’t realize that it is an emotion, so it makes them think they are sick. They feel it in their bodies, as a phsiological response.
I think this happens to sociopaths too and many of them become hypochondriacs as my spath was. So he was alex and spath. His stomach acid was killing him for years from the rage that he was hiding – from himself?- and from me.
This is such fascinating stuff, I’m going to overload my brain with it!
http://www.angelfire.com/al4/alexithymia/isnt.html
Sky-I tried to post to you but it disappeared. I was just reading about what you were talking about. It is interesting and I am wondering if maybe DK has it. It is so interesting-her behavior. Her hot/cold I think is just her wanting me here but not being able to handle me being too close. I don’t feel like she really lovebombed me. She is a Libra, just like my best friend and they are a lot alike except my best friend has no problem with her emotions. I went into her house before we walked to dinner and her decor is like my friend’s too. The day we went grocery shopping together she let me help carry in and put away her groceries. I could tell that it was a big deal for her to do that. At the end of the night she was stressed and overloaded because we had spent the whole day together and it exhausted her.
It’s still sad that she has such a beautiful smile and never uses it, and she can’t take a compliment-she doesn’t know how to handle them. Now that I don’t see her as relationship material to me, I can be interested in the behavior.
Yo NolaRn2bCop,
Sometimes I see things a little differently than intended. I got a little chuckle out of your post saying she “LET you help carry in and put away her groceries”. No honey, you reciprocated a favor b/c that’s the kind of person you are, considerate and thoughtful.
Katy, who used to have pieces of paper taped all over her apartment to remind WHO and WHAT I really am…
got badly triggered today. it’s been coming for a few days. there has been a string of things that have been adding up. i have been having a really hard time for the last few hours.
it’s a long weekend here- i am still traumatized by the endless noise and parties on long weekends by my neighbours at my last place; there are other people staying in the builidng (loud boy people drinking and smoking late at night, a few feet away from my bedroom and my open windows); and i was really unsure what the db upstairs would get up to. so far so good – but he is home and i have this sense of foreboding that is hard to shake. i felt a nervousness about him last weekend and he and the gf had a nice argument 10 feet away from my bedroom window at 2 am.
so, i have multiple triggers – i wonder what he will do tonight? becuase i couldn’t figure out why i was so distracted and nervous last weekend, until they started and i knew right away that that was what i was waiting for. it’s a combo of PTSD, AND knowing what shits do, AND a little empathic information.
so, i took a bit of my anti-anxiety meds, have kept refocusing myself, and need to do a little deep breathing.
i want a home. a place to heal.
One Joy Step,
I’m sorry that you’re living situation is so bad. I had the spath living upstairs from me in a two apt. home. I felt like the doors would be kicked in any night of the week…
I only got relief after I moved. Even though it was stressfull moving after 15 years in one place, I felt SAFE. Just to be away from that phsycho biatch I felt relief.
I hope you get to move soon. I see you know what to do to make yourself feel better. I really feel for you.