It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blas̩, apathetic Рthe opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
I feel if we go completely no contact then I won’t know what hes thinking or plotting. Also worried an order of protection might push him over the edge.I am thinking about just leaving quietly with my 15 yr old but have to do it in a way that my husband can’t find us.It makes me sound so paranoid.My husband just isn’t very sophisticated and would inadverntly give information to my step son.My husband in a rare moment of insight said my step son destroyed his family now he wants to destroy ours.Then in the next breath he will say my step son “didn’t mean it that way”.Thank you for helping me sort through my feelings because I feel irrational and paranoid.
Cococo – ‘I am thinking about just leaving quietly with my 15 yr old but have to do it in a way that my husband can’t find us’ this is a GOOD exit plan.
Collect together the things you need over the next 24 hours eg. essential papers, a stash of clothes, money and do a bunk. Get away to somewhere safe, anywhere. Just GET AWAY.
If your husband is in denial and does not realise all your lives are in danger that is his PROBLEM. You and your son are YOUR main concern. Whatever you do DO NOT tell ANYONE of your plans.
Make it very clear to your son (when you have left) that he is NOT to have any contact with your step-son. If your stepson has murdered once already and he’s on drugs you are in GREAT danger from what you say. RUUUUUUUUUUN
Thank you for the support.I needed to hear someone else say it.I have no support here. I am leaving.
Cococo – You already KNEW what you had to do. This is a dangerous time for you. Play your cards VERY close to your chest. PLAN PLAN PLAN. Let us know how things go when you get settled.
With regards to the above article cynicism v. jaded…
I am definitely cynical now. No jaded to it.
I was jaded long before “IT” came along.
I think the worst thing about being lied to
Is knowing I wasn’t worth the truth.
That betrayal is harder to take than the truth and fact that “IT” tried to kill me, purposely and with intent and smiled and loved “IT’s” way through it all….
“IT” sucked my soul and my life force away from me.
It tried to purposely deplete the happy settled person I was and “IT” tried to destroy me because “IT” was jealous of me and my strength and now I recognize it.
“IT” is jealous of me!!!
OMG: “IT” did all this because “IT” was jealous of me and my strength and the things I have accomplished in my life and “IT” hated me because I would not take “IT’s” crap but stood up to it so it used my affection and caring for “IT” to get close enough to purposely harm me and I never had a clue….
“IT” did what “IT” could to destroy me, in “IT’s” feeble attempts but you know what? The “LIGHT” won over the darkness….and “THAT” truly jerks “IT” off. However, “IT” better just stay under that rock it slithered back under or I will put “IT” where “IT” belongs. Period.
If that’s not ‘chilling’ what is?
Yep, definitely cynical.
I realize that my sincerity, all this time, has made me look like a true ‘fool’ to it. The whole time laughing and smiling…
“IT’s” the ‘fool’…
Dupedster
Dear cococo,
I totally agree with your plan to keep your husband from knowing where you are or where your son is…it is IMPORTANT FIRST TO BE SAFE. Your son is like my egg donor (mother) she does not know how dangerous she is making it for her other grandsons and for me, and sometimes I am not sure she cares….she KNOWS what my son has done, just like your husband knows what his son has done, but refuses to accept it completely even though he/she KNOW.
I had to protect myself FIRST….and I’m glad that you see your duty not only to yourself but to your son as FIRST….God bless you and keep you safe.
cococo,
I wonder about your husband being “normal”. He should be outraged and he isn’t. Some spaths will use another spath who is stupid and vicious to do all the dirty work, while they maintain the “loving spouse/friend/whatever” profile.
My spath did this. I’ve seen other spaths do similar.
They don’t drop their mask, it’s on firmly.
I can’t know if that is what is happening with you and I guess, neither can you. So if motive cannot be determined, then just rely on behavior. Your husband is toxic to you because of his behavior regarding his son. Leave him. You and your son deserve to be safe.
cococo,
Something is off in your husband. NORMAL men are very protective of their loved ones. Your husband exposes you, like he’s trying to make an “accident” happen.
My husband was gifted at inspiring dupes to do his bidding. People were vicious. I understand the dynamic. The blow comes from someone else but it started with my husband. Ask yourself: Which matters more, that you were harmed or WHO harmed you? Logic taken to the end question… if you are murdered, are you less dead b/cyou were murdered by a surrogate?
At the least, your husband is enabling someone to have enough access to you to destroy you. That means he fails his basic duty to you, to HONOR you. Do you think he honors you when he enables his son to harm you?
YOUR job is to honor YOUR 15 yr old. That means it is your obligation and DUTY to protect him, psychologically, physically, emotionally. Step up woman, and stop the excuses that you won’t know your husbands plans. You don’t know them anyway. By keeping in touch with him you are just bargaining with the devil. Even if you ‘love’ him, your choice is to do the honorable thing for your 15 yr old OR you can have your 15 yr old pay the price for YOU to get what YOU want.
I am aware I sound mean. It’s on PURPOSE! I am a mom and you scare me with what you are exposing your kid to. RED FLags! Warning! Warning Will Robinson! DANGER! And a mom who is as passive about it as she accuses her husband of being…..
Easy to see the answer. DOING it requires substance.
ps Abusers ALWAYS escalate. And there is always payback when you least expect it. It’s your son who is in more danger than you. He knows that to harm him will do far more damage to you than if he harmed you directly. Removing access for him to harm is your best solution. I hope you chose to take action to prevent harm rather than cry after your son is harmed. I told you so does NOT make me feel good.
Katy,
we are talking about something that has not gotten very much exposure here on LF. How spaths send in their minions while escaping culpability. Most of the time, we are talking about how mean the spath is to us, but rarely do we talk about the spaths who remain in the shadows, pulling strings and putting on a mask of love and sweetness. That’s because there is usually no evidence of this until the very end.
But this is an important topic because it is TYPICAL. All spaths like to ensnare others into doing the dirty work for them. The snake in the garden of eden ensnared Eve to connive Adam. This story describes classic spath manipulations and ensnaring others with guilt, so that they can slither away is CLASSIC.
I wonder how many people here were unaware of a wizard behind the curtain in their own situation.
Skylar and Katy,
That is exactly what my own Egg donor is doing…is to FACILITATE my psychopathic son’s ATTACK on my other sons and myself.
cococo’s husband is also facilitating his son to use and abuse his wife and her (their?) 15 yr old son.
People have looked me in the eye and said “how can that be true? Your mother would never deliberately hurt you?” Well, DELIBERATE OR NOT, she is exposing me to DEATH….and so is cococo’s husband. The MRSA is exposure bad enough, but the threat of the physical violence is worse–a drug addict who is being “deprived” of what he is “due” is a menace for sure!
My prayers for cococo!