It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blasé, apathetic – the opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
I think it was a good experiment to test my ability to stay centered. But indeed if I think about getting to know someone, I want to be able to check references, an environment. I want to be able to see interactions, not just with myself, see responses of others… How else can you detect red flags early on otherwise? Barely… Dating sites are the worst reference. While it was good that I had a number and nobody can see my pic without me allowing it… at the same time, so I can’t be bothered by creeps on other networks, it makes it even easier for creeps to go unchecked.
Yea, I agree a face book connection might be better, more local and known to some of your friends but at the same time, FB meet ups can be just as bad…heck REAL WORLD meet ups with people that you THOUGHT you knew (I thought I knew my P-BF for 10 years) little did I know though, just the “mask” so I fell for it hook line and sinker. Everyone thought he was a prince….but I found out differently.
Yeah Oxy,
They can fool quite a lot of people ALL the time. As a handsome, personable, member of town settlers, my spath x! husband is the town prince. The only people who know the truth about him are the ones who have been burned by him. And b/c he lives such a compartmenalized life and protects his “image”, most people in his life have NO contact with each other. None of his women live in the same town or if they do, they are in a different social circle. Also, he choses people who are not “locals” so when things fall apart, he blames them for trying to scam HIM. It’s easy to trash the character of people that others don’t know. He tells people pretty much the same story, that the person turned out to be a “crazy” person. Not original, but it works for him every time, so far.
I think that’s a red flag: IF MOST of the people he hangs out with are not friends with each other, there’s something fishy in that. AND if you wonder why most of his CLOSEST friends seem to be real lowlifes, and you wonder why he stays with them, it’s likely b/c HE’s ONE TOO. Birds of a feather.
My spath x! husband had a LOT of people he knew, but he did NOT hang out with them. So popular does not mean personally KNOWN.
Yep you are right, Katy “Popular does not mean personally KNOWN” that’s a GREAT POINT!
Wow Katydid
Are you sure you are not talking about my exspath. Well celebrity fam is sooo important to him, knowing people in big places with a lot of money is his dream. Throughing names here and there. But I never saw him really conversing his big freinds other than hello high. He did say his social life went up since we met, because I am very social person, we through big parties, guess what happend in the return, Ibecame very good freind of his of 40 years, because they could relate to me, he kept people at distance, including his women friends in different social groups, so nobody can do check balance.
But when we split, his own god like friends who are milliniors, came to me, like they got chance to say something about him, and yes exspath was right, people are perceptive, they truly knew him like I discovered, they knew him since he was 17 years old, he thought they loved him like a little brother, but no they knew him the way he was at least to them, secretive, kept it to himself, not sure when he would stop talking to them, let then guess it, his unsocial behaviour was pretty much known to his friends.
So yes seems like I was the one who was last to dicover this.
I met the exspath online over 14 years ago. This was when the internet was JUST becoming popular and people began having personal computers in their homes. This is also where I learned that any type of sexual imagery could be found online thanks to my FIRST exspath!
I did not meet the soon-to-be-exspath for nearly a year after we “met” online. He seemed so very sincere, caring, and presented the most supportive personna. Little did I know that I was trolled, targeted, and ensnared for various purposes.
What people need to know, and children MUST be taught by parents and in classrooms, is that anyone can make themselves out to be ANYTHING online. There is such a cloak of anonymity that serial murderers and child molesters are able to set up their victims, at will, without any fear of being detected. The INTERNET is the PLAYGROUND of a sociopath!
Not that I have any interest, whatsoever, but I will never seek a partner via the internet. Not EVER. I don’t even want to meet anyone, at all! Even these online “dating” services are a superb platform for sociopaths to troll for new source targets – just because they have questionaires and “compatability” calculators means NOTHING.
As a complete aside, the soon-to-be-exspath has reconnected with the female ex-convict that I had mentioned almost 2 years ago – this, after he made such a big deal about what a lying and manipulative thing that she was! LMAO!!! He MUST be desperate for “support,” as he’s digging at the bottom of the barrel, now. One person that I know wanted to tell me all about what “he” was saying through the ex-con, and I told her that I really didn’t want to know. I don’t NEED to know what he’s saying. I know the Truth, and I know what he did. And, he can spout his verbal diarrhea all he wants and it still won’t change the Truth. ;-}
OxD – thanks for the suggestion that I’m “sane.” ROTFLMAO! Oh, I don’t feel very sane, these days, though I am grasping at it as often as I can. At least, the nightmares are getting fewer and fewer. I’m going to be as fine as frog hair in due time. We ALL will.
BRIGHTEST BLESSINGS!!!!
Dear Truthspeak,
We all come here broken and babbling it seems, I know I sure did, but sooner or later we start to have outbursts of SANITY in the middle of the craziness….and then the next thing you know you are starting to sound sane most of the time! LOL 😀
So just hang in there, it takes time, there are some things you can NOT rush. You can’t get a baby in 1 month by getting 9 women knocked up, so just give yourself some slack and allow yourself time to heal! (((hugs))))
Truthspeak:
People can make themselves out to be anything “in person” let alone online. It’s a cruel world to say the least.
Truthspeak: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR TELEVISION. DO NOT ADJUST THE DIALS….
Yes, the internet is a trolling ground for psychopaths.
Trust me, I know, firsthand this is true. Louise is right, IN REAL LIFE they can still fool you!
Sometimes our minor involvements can end up literally taking our breath away. I have very little trust in men, mostly, any more. I would rather live alone and be happy with my own spot, doing my own thing. I live much better without masks, deceit, lies and spins. I see “ME” when I look in the mirror, nowadays…
I wish you love, joy and peace, Truthspeak.
Remember your value and your worth and live up to that expectation. Hm? xxoo
I have taken the approach that what I see happening all the time is what I need to learn to laugh at rather than be in any way… pissed off about or disturbed by, inside of me. I have encouraged my husband to joke with her and just laugh as she [will undoubtedly] be pissed. (The spath in question is his ex, mother of his kids, so unfortunately she’ll be around way too long for my real comfort.)
I keep seeing her as a kid having a temper tantrum, which does make me laugh. I’ve also noticed some things in her bullying-controlling approach that let me know that a reverse-psychology approach could be more effective in dealing with her, saying she better not do things we would like to happen, that kind of thing. And that approach would definitely make me laugh as well, even if it never worked, I’d laugh.
I do wonder though if anyone’s tried this or knows of any risks in trying a reverse-psychology tactic in dealing with a spath?
In my story, my husband’s ex-wife has been putting me down to everyone in our community, we hear, which obviously the stepkids [must] hear, and they have each shown evidence of taking mom’s view toward me (that I’m horrible), which is harder for me to deal with. It’s hard to laugh with the kids avoiding me. The fact that she’ll do this to her own kids though, is also hard for me. So it is hard on me, and I’m sure it’s harder for her kids. Neither they nor m, feel at home at our house currently, which is hard for me to figure out how to remedy. In standard parental-alienation tactics, she’s also buying them over at her house. (Her household earns about 8-9x the earnings of ours, she+husband are execs.)
Anyway, all my moaning aside, I’m curious if any folks use the reverse-psychology thing for bullying-controlling spath-types? It seems like it might well work, and a little more importantly for me, would make me laugh. 🙂
It’s funny how jealous vindictive exes try to spread rumors about the new wife. I have learned that the rumors the jealous ex is spreading is usually the very things she is doing, has done, or is feeling. My husbands ex accused me of being insecure, and jealous of her. When there was nothing to be insecure or jealous of. She is on drugs, she has no money (spends on drugs), she has nothing to be proud of or show for her life, she is wasted 24/7.
When I entered the picture. It really put her insecurities at an all time high. She felt I would influence my hhusband to no longer take her crap. And I did that. She verbally and physically abused him when they were married. And verbally abused him after divorce. I put a stop to her abuse and her control.
So of course she is mad and trying to spread rumors