It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blas̩, apathetic Рthe opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
I have totally gone to a therapist and talked for hours (and hours) about the sociopath rather than my own problems. I’ve done the same thing with my Al-anon group (they’ve been so patient and tolerant) and also with my family and friends. I appreciate the love and support people have offered me. I think they realize the enormity of what I’ve been going through, but still, it must have been hard to listen to me talk endlessly about him, sometimes sharing a new horror but often covering the same ground. I was so obsessed with this man. For eight full months, he was virtually all I thought about. It’s only been the past month–since I finally got it that EVERYTHING with him is complete manipulation and have stopped talking to him–that I’ve been able to relinquish my obsession and sometimes talk about other things.
For me, though, I don’t think it could’ve been any other way. A while back, my therapist said she thinks I’ve been talking and thinking about him so much, and running to and fro and looking at phone bills and checking on him and on and on because I was avoiding grieving.
I knew she was right because tears came to my eyes when she said that. Besides, there was just so bloody much to assimilate and absorb. I think I needed to process, or re-process so many memories in the light of knowing what was actually going on.
This whole experience has been like one of those children’s picture toys. I don’t know what they’re called, but they’re those pictures that are covered with a clear, hard plastic sheet that has vertical ridges on it (I think I have also seen billboards that have the same effect). Anyway, if you look at them head-on, you see one picture, say, a cow. But if you move your head slightly to one side, you see a different picture, like maybe a pig.
And that’s how I look at my sociopath now. I was looking at him one way, the way he wanted to be perceived, but now my POV has shifted and I see he’s not a cow; he’s a pig.
After the first 9 months and quite a few break ups, I paid a relationship counselling service to try and help me sort my head out because I felt like I was going mad. I had not come across his kind of behaviour before, saying one thing ‘You are the one’ ‘I love you so much’ then doing a disappearing act – it didnt make sense to me. I told the counsellor all the details and even she didnt pick up on the severity of what was going on, nor the fact that he is a narcissist, even though to me, now it is very obvious.
I also did, what some people have suggested here. Asked his family about him, asked work friends and they all said he was a decent bloke. I was always asking him questions about his past relationships, but he gave me vague answers like ‘ she went back with her ex’ and I couldnt check because this was in another area. Oh yes, he had moved around alot to very different parts of the country and had many many jobs. But I did speak to one of his ex women.
After I got rid of him I thought life would return to normal. I had no idea of how my mind would be so obssesive about him and all the chaos – like trying to put together a jigsaw with missing pieces. My health has suffered alot too and I have been exhausted on all levels. It has been very difficult to keep my responsibilities and my job going.
I had a goal that I have spent 10 years working towards and the last part of last year I was going to take steps to make it happen. Last Autumn when I got rid of him, I have been physically and mentally exhausted and my homelife was in chaos. Many of my friends just didnt understand what I was talking about. One friend, however, who was involved with a psycho man once has stood by me all the way and has listened to me endlessly going round and round in my mind. I have found being on this site very therapeutic and shocking at times to read the unbelieveable behaviour many people have put up with.
Thank you so much Free for your kind words. You are so right, he used to occupy my thoughts from getting out of bed till going to bed. I do think about him on and off during most days but not all the time now and the thoughts are getting duller. I thought that by going to a Counsellor and asking around about him, his family and people who ‘know’ him (he said himself he was decent) and everyone I asked affirmed that he was decent – in fact, people often told me he was decent without me having to ask so I thought all in all, I had probably made a reasonably safe decision.
My health has suffered (I became ill with various aillments a few months after I met him) I was well with vitality before that and I have been constantly ill since. My immune system is very low and I have been completely exhausted by his nonsense and the emotional fallout I suffered afterwards. He of course floated into a relationship with someone else – which made me angry, as I put so much effort into him – he left me refusing to talk a single word and I havent seen him since.
I am looking forward to that time, when I get better and feel the joy of life again. Thanks again for those hopeful words.
Bless you Free..
ennlondon – Thanks for beginning to flesh out the ‘stages’. Perhaps others can contribute to that process.
gillian – “a different picture, like maybe a pig.” Hah! Nice one.
free – “I realised that I will never get what he has done, because I am not like him. How could I possibly get him? I have a conscience and he doesn’t! I know how to love and he doesn’t! I know how to be real and he doesn’t!”
This is right – even experts – find it very hard to empathise with psychopaths. There are many reasons but this one sounds weird, but I believe it’s right: people have too much goodness in them to be able to take on board that so much badness can exist. (The trick is not to become less good one self, but to become more savvy and to have NO CONTACT.)
Thanks for your letter.
beverly – “I had no idea of how my mind would be so obssesive about him and all the chaos – like trying to put together a jigsaw with missing pieces.”
It’s like adding insult to injury, isn’t it? There must be something about the human mind that doesn’t like unsolved puzzles – whether it be Sudoku or jigsaws (or a bitty, contradictory story). The problem is that the actual story of the psychopath doesn’t make sense, indeed it was designed in part to drive the other crazy!
I don’t know if I can ever recover, emotionally, financially, or mentally. When you are left broken & bleeding, there’s just no help anywhere. I have called every help agency in my town, to no avail. It’s like the world is telling you, you are the dummy who fell for it, sorry about your luck.
sstiles54,
I think you can recover but accept up front that you will be different after this. you won’t be your old self. You will be a new self. You will be you, only wiser.
I have seen more than one person state that in a bizarre twist, they are grateful for what they learned because they are stronger and smarter and wiser now. And as for me, I finally learned to stand up for myself and I will not let anyone talk me out of what I already know about myself. I am not those things the sociopath said I was…. he was describing himself.
I know that I have lost more than some people and a lot less than many others but what I take away from my experience is that it is not about what happens to us but the decisions we make and what we tell ourselves after a sociopathic encounter.
I have good days and bad days. I feel better and better as the Bad Man experience gets farther and farther away from my present moment and as I learn more and more.
When you have a happy moment, wring every bit of joy out of it that you can. You deserve it and do things that create joy for yourself… anything. Pot a houseplant, pick a flower, bake cookies, throw darts at his picture. If it makes you happy, then do it.
And hang in there.
Aloha.. E.R.