It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blasé, apathetic – the opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
EB-
Am waiting for info from now 2 PI’s soon I should hear back but I go crazy saying that over and over!
First lady is a great idea!
Yes I google and watch his social network sites!
Yes got records from Pacer- but only recent ones. The history I need doesn’t seem to be there. Don’t know why.
I think he is going to vanish soon and it worries me.
The pedestrian rate of pursuit and tolerance for unproductive, unhelpful and thwarting performance is enough to make me crazy.
Think I will make some phone calls…
Thanks!
OH One….
THANKS!!!
I WANT everyone to be aware that we are NEVER DEAD in the water…….
Perseverence, tenacity and the will to right a wrong….or seek justice is available to us all!
Just keep plugging along……
🙂
Silver:
also try other internet browser search sites…..
Like AOL….or Yahoo, bing etc….sometimes you can find other
info on each sites.
Is he active on social sites currently?
If so……Um, well….there ya go…..set up a fake profile you know will attract him….send an invite and coorospond…..take it slow and get some more info as you string him along believeing you are that big boobed blonde the woman of his dreams…etc…you know the gig?
Have you tried this?
Describe yourself in the way he would fall in love with this ‘soul mate’….
I love ‘indian food’…..I love walking on the brooklyn bridge, I’m a red belt in Karate…..create ‘yourself’ to gather info.
Do it to it girl….
EXPECT FRUSTRATION so you can minimize its affects on YOU…..
But remain vigilant!!!
He can’t get there to see those things right now as he is enjoying a certain “hospitality” which makes him very difficult to contact….And prevents him from internet access….
That’s what I thought…..
at least it’s nice to know we don’t pay for them to carouse on dating sites from jail! Cable TV is bad enough….and HOT meals.
SHIAT!
cable TV and hot meals. sigh.
Good Lord, another day SHOT by this- I’m in quite the anxiety twist.
I know he was a bad choice because he had neither intention nor ability of being true and faithful- but when the stuff comes up that nothing that I could see, feel, hear or touch may be true it really wracks me.
The circles its possible to go around are beyond what anyone can be comfortable with and the hardest one is what if I am wrong?
Not likely, but possible if nothing is true that I know. I just don’t know how complex the whole thing is – or not.
The longer it takes, the more convoluted it is, the worse it is for me. This part is hard because it allows room for the bargain. And fighting the urge to bargain and disbelieve is awesome.
I can’t fight it with facts, I can’t prove any except the one are true. The only thing I know is that he has free tv….The rest? Well, who knows?
The uncertainties of it all are crazymaking, the time lag is tearing me up. If it could just be OVER then it would not be so hard to let go. On any day when
stuff” comes up and there is new information about what isn’t happening or I find info I didn’t know before or find out somebody else didn’t do or report what they said they would, I get anxious all over again.
Yes, he appeared to be everything. he was everything. It was all a lie. And one that is feeling impossible to seperate from!
silver love – i think i know this place you are in; this i must do this and have it be over or i will lose my mind/ the way i will stay in one piece is to take action and have it move forward.
i have lived in this place since september of last year. it has not been an easy place for me either. i hear you spinning, and i see that oxy and erin are throwing all the practical advice they can (these gals are heavy lifters).
i don’t know how i got to this place where i am spinning much less – hmm, part of it is my house is less toxic and i am clearer. i think i have surrendered. i can’t make this ‘all right’. i can do what i need to, find out how to do the next steps and focus on the other things in my life also, and especially do some ‘normal’ things (like i have been blasted sick the last few days, so i lay in bed and watched movies. like a normal person. every time i got freaked out because i needed to be doing one of a dozen things that needs doing, i said, ‘no, i have to rest my body and mind’.)
i have been on high alert for months, and just twisting freaking sideways. i went to the counselor’s today – and she said, ‘good to see you.’ now, i have seen her often in the last months – but she has not seen anyone she recognized as me.
i am searching here – just writing, and trying to figure out if i know enough about my own process yet to offer you anything. so here’s my attempt:
contain it – do a certain amount of work on this every day, then close it off. put a huge slab of granite on it and try to do other things. fight the maelstrom.
take breaks – power ‘pithed’ walks, short ones, when you want to stab purveyors of the judicial system.
or him.
i don’t know how we get through the horrid systems. i have NO legal recourse with the ppath. no level of the police system cares, unless she stole goods or money from me.
i spent a lot of time trying to get the site owners to take some responsibility – i don’t think i have ever interacted that way with anyone before in my life. i was dealing with a moderator who said, after several emails, ‘i don’t know why anyone would pretend to die’. my next email to her was, ‘if you are incapable of comprehending this issue, please connect with someone who is.’ I never got anywhere with any of them. I had the ppaths IP, they could have banned her. she suggested i ‘block’ the last sock puppet, if he distressed me. dumb as a f***ing stick.
i have dealt with so many twists and turns it’s a wonder i don’t look like a pretzel.
please don’t let this tear your head off. you can’t control any of it; all you can do is keep walking forward and doing what you can. take it as a given that the people you deal with will be obstructionist, and keep doing it anyway. don’t get anywhere with one, ask here again and try something else.
and drink.
😉
I think I will hire a publicist and put the whole story including all the names from his to the jailer who screwed up the service to the Congressman and back on PR.com
Its relatively cheap to put a story out there.
About $300 to launch it nationwide.
maybe some of the LF authors would like to join in and we will tell quite a story about how the legal system treats us….
Then, I will sit back and enjoy the cocktail….
I do know better than to believe in a happy ending to the romance story. I just want it to be over so I don’t feel like its hanging over me or there is any doubt that he might be welcome.
Fortunately I don’t have to deal with the legal system. I got away with my brush with a spath without the damage others have suffered.
Like muldoon I used to be “dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blasé, apathetic.” Not any more though. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point and a lot of work. Work that’s still not finished I know, but work that can be enjoyable now, more like a fun hobby than a slog through mud in heavy boots.
Like Buttons, I’m not jaded. Quite the opposite. His treatment of me is only going to end up making my life better because now I can see what a fool I was for believing that he was all I deserved. I don’t think cynical is the word either. I’ll be a lot more careful. ‘Discerning’, that’s it. I am going to be a lot more discerning in the company I keep.
Never again will I ignore my gut. I’ve got a whole new level of spirituality in my life too now, which suddenly arrived when I hit bottom. That’s so sustaining and I think it will only grow.