It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.
And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blasé, apathetic – the opposite of fresh.
The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?
One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.
Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?
One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.
One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.
I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.
As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?
SILVER….thank you much! Can you delete the EB part above Puleeze…I’ll tell ya later why…. XXOO
Verity….your damn right girl….spaths in the legal system is way sucky…..glad you escaped that one.
I think my experience in court with spathypoo will prevent me from ever getting married again….
WHY….I don’t ‘need’ to……
I’ll date…..I’m oopen to a long term….
but the legal contract……uh, yeah….NO THANKS!
I gotta go to bed…..BIG day tomorrow!!
Nighty nighty……
silver – of course, he was pretty much yanked out of the home, so of course there isn’t closure around this: ‘….so I don’t feel like its hanging over me or there is any doubt that he might be welcome. ‘
didn’t realize that you are dealing with this now, also.
Yep. Weird as hell.
His wife has been very nice to me.
Weird as hell.
I will never know what IS true.
And if all I knew was the intention and compulsion to cheat, that would be3 enough for a by bye.
The part I believed weas as good as it gets but it is lost in the ether now. I wonder somethimes if I could be wrong and the more I fiund out, it seems I am. Its worse than I thought even though personally he is everything I saw.
In sum a total cluster F~!
Oxy, EB, Cream, Witty, Hens, Caroline,Silver, ALL of you great guys! I just wanted you all to know what a GREAT day, Dave and I had yesterday with our new adult”KIds’, Roya, and Abbas. Roya came in with a lovely bunch of flame and yellow tulips, anda beautiful filigree pure silver hand made necklace from Iran that her Mum had chosen for me as a “Thank you” for being an extra Mum to her.The beautiful card from the kids said,
“My Dear Mum,Were regarding this to our lovely Mother, for Mothers day,and for your Birthday. We love you so much!
Your children,Roya and Abbas, April, 2010.”
I was so touched I have NEVER ever hada card like this from my own children. In fact I havent had a Birthdayor Mothers day card or gift fom either of my two daughters in around 28 years.Despite this, I have steadfastly given them gifts, cards and flowers and remembered the kids Birthdays since they were born.{Except for Cs kids, whom Ive never seen.}
What a wonderul fun day we had! We hugged, ate drank wine,kissed, took photos, hugged some more.
Abbas said,”Mum you look so nice, I love your necklace! I said, No, Im too fat! No, Mum, you are perfect!”he said.We love you just a s you are you are our lovely Mum.”I LOVE that boy!!
I cant begin to tell you what it feels like to be loved and appreciated after years and years of emotional abuseput downs, and neglect ftom my spath daughters. Dave too is blossoming, they hug on him, too.Who wouldnt lap it up? we are so blessed to finally have a REAL family who love us.
They gave me my gifts and card early, as Ill be in Scotland on my Birthday.I can truly feel my broken heart knitting together! Thank you God for my REAL kids!
Your happy Mama Gem.XX
Dear geminigirl,
It is very nice to hear that you have your “new” adult children in your life.
You deserve to be loved and appreciated. And I am so glad that they found you and you found them.
So happy that your heart is healing……
Have a great trip and enjoy every minute of it 🙂
Silvermoon,
I haven’t been on as much as I was before. But am trying to keep up with your story.
Dealing with the “system” in many ways can be so very frustrating. There were days that I just wanted to sit down and cry and scream and rage, over this.
I delt with a different system in the past then you are currently dealing with but they are pretty much one and the same. They all try to pass the buck, to another agency.
It becomes a full time job, to try and get something DONE, that at first seems pretty simple.
How hard can it be to serve papers? I assume if you are like me you had some confidence that once you did your PART, those that followed would process the papers correctly, and this would get done.
Because the system works the way it does, this “full time job” can become very consuming. So much time is spent researching and trying to even find the resources that might be available to help you. And then calling…..
I know this as I was there. If I had a 9-5 job and wasn’t self employed I would have been fired. There were days that I was tied to the telephone and waiting for call backs and had to use two phones. My cell to make the calls and my land line left open to recieve them (if they bothered to call back) Almost all the numbers were toll calls and I can’t even make toll calls on my land line. So I had to use my cell phone to make the calls. It is a pre paid cell, so I went through more minutes than I ever had used before.
Trying to get help was a very expensive process in more ways than one.
Not just the money factor but the toll this took on my time and energy. Everything else suffered. My house was a mess, my finances were a mess because I wasn’t spending as much time working as I should have been….But the greatest loss of all was emotionally this just drained me. I was a woman on a mission.
And this just consumed me. Everytime a door slammed shut, I tried to open another……It started to “feel” personal after awile. This battle I was fighting and loosing. I was begining to define myself through this process. And I was begining to feel more and more like a looser. Because before I knew it the day was closing in, it would be dinner time and all I had accomplished all day was “this”…..This TIME consuming battle.
I think One Step gave you some good advice. Try to contain it. You must do this, it is important, but have a time frame in your day to work on this and then for the rest of the day do what you would normally do. At the end of the day we ALL need to feel like we have accomplished something.
And when we a working with a system that isn’t WORKING, after awile it can defeate us, if we don’t have other things on our agenda to accomplish as well.
Especially if we have the PTSD symptoms as well going on.
I wish for you some doors to open. And it only takes ONE person sometimes to open that door. The “right” one person, who can open other doors for you as well.
My attitude for the past 5 months has been up and down. NC for 5 months until TODAY, even though those 5 months have been full of longing for him. We met at a public office and my heart fell. We wound up talking and I wanted it to be the start of a new friendship. But we wound up making love. I knew where it would go. But i did it anyway. Always thinking it will lead to the start of something new and wonderful. But he said it “was something we both wanted”. And as for being friends, there is no room in his life for me. How can i really love someone so much? And make the same mistake over and over again. When i know just where it will lead?
I asked so many questions of him. And he answered them. But there are so many more that I now think I should have asked. But does it really matter? How, how can they want to make love to someone….if they don’t really love them?
Dear Sarasims,
Sometimes we have to put our hands back into the fire to see if it still burns. It does. It always will. (((((Hugs))))) Don’t beat yourself up too badly about this. I think many of us have done the same thing, or wanted to so badly. See if that fire is still something that will burn us.
Unfortunately, after another encounter, we go back almost to “square one” and the pain starts anew.
Get up, brush yourself off, and get back on the road to healing and if ever you encounter him again. Turn your head and walk away. It will be difficult, but until you can do it, you are on the roller coaster going now where. ((((Hugs)))) and God bless.
Dear Oxy,
Cant there just be a friendship? For a while I sent emails to him ….just hi, how are u emails….and they helped me, even though he never responded. I know what he wants in me, but my heart keeps remembering the time that what he seemed to want was everything, the complete package. Now he even tells there will be no friendship, and yet, I sleep with him! I keep grasping at disappearing straws. I’ve seen so many sides of him and all I want is to say “snap out of it…..where have u taken the guy i once knew?” But it appears that I’m the only one with the true problem. Y this undying love that keeps me awake at night?
Dear Sara,
NO, there cannot be “friendship” with someone who does not care about you. He occasionally uses your body to get his rocks off on controlling you sexually, and enjoys your pain and his control over your emotions….would you want to be “friends” with your RAPIST? Essentially that is what it is….he is raping your soul, torturing you like a kid pulling the legs off a spider or the wings off butterflies.
You are ADDICTED to him and the “high” you get thinking about the FANTASY lover who never existed.
Get some therapy and go and STAY NC. It is the ONLY way you can heal. Any other way that you attempt WILL fail, cannot succeed, and will increase the pain and the length of time you are in pain. That is the BLUNT truth, and the truth will set you free, BUT first it will hurt you and pith you off, it is an UGLY truth, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
I’m being very blunt with you, so don’t take offense, but there is no other way but for you to choose to FACE that truth,, that ugly truth. BUT YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO REALLY LOVES YOU, not a psychopath who uses you for his own perverted pleasures of control and sex.
You are stronger than you know, but you must exercise that strength rather than staying in denial. Keep coming here and reading andlearning and gaining strength fromn the caring and support you will get here from others, Sara! We’ve all been through this, we’ve all hurt horribly, all longed for them, but in the end those of us that heal have had to face the ugly truth head on! I don’t tell you it is easy, but I tell you it is POSSIBLE and in the end will BE PEACE and JOY! I promise you! But first you must walk THROUGH THE PAIN, no way around it! ((((hugs)))) and God bless you sweetie!