When is history predictive of future behavior? Who can change? Who will change? Can sociopaths change? What is meaningful versus unmeaningful change?
I would argue that history is most predictive of future behavior when the mindset of the individual—especially the motivational mindset of the individual—remains static. By this I mean that short of a radicalized mindset, one can assume that the individual’s historical behaviors and attitudes will not change, at least not meaningfully.
So motivation goes directly to the question who is likely, or unlikely, to make changes in historical behavior patterns. One must ask, what is the individual’s motivation to change previous behavior?
This isn’t always easy to answer for several reasons—one, we can disguise our motives; also, we can want to believe that someone’s stated motive is their true motive, when it isn’t (sometimes against our better judgement). Plus, as change-intenders, we can also deceive ourselves about our own motives, further complicating the task of ascertaining the true motive(s) behind an intended change.
In the case of the sociopath, we can be quite sure of this: His motives will be self-serving (which alone isn’t necessarily a fatal problem). What makes the problem “fatal” is that the sociopath’s motives will be exclusively self-serving. Sure, he may be motivated to please you, but it will be, exclusively, to benefit himself (from his pleasing you).
This means the sociopath won’t be looking genuinely to benefit you with his change, but rather, principally (if not entirely) himself.
And so sociopaths, if motivated enough, can make changes. But one can’t stress enough that their motives to change will be shallow. Now it may not look like this on the surface—that is, a slick sociopath can seem to want to change with convincing, genuine intent. But eventually, often much too late for his partner, the underlying, dominating self-centeredness of his agenda will surface.
This is a fancy way of reminding ourselves that the sociopath is manifestly out for himself; thus any changes he endeavors will be pursued with the aim to protect and advance his interests, his gratifications; not yours.
Let’s consider the case of the abusive personality—more specifically, someone with a significant history as a serial emotional, if not physical, abuser. Can this individual change? And, if so, under what circumstances?
If he’s a sociopath, we have our answer—no. The sociopathic abuser is a flat-out hopeless case; he will never stop his abuse in a permanent, reliable way. The reason why is that he’s lacking an essential motivation: to want, genuinely, to cease his role as a cause of his partner’s suffering.
In the sociopath’s case, he lacks this motivation permanently because, basically, he lacks love and empathy for his partner. This is the sociopath’s essential defect—his incapacity to love and empathize maturely. He is primitively, functionally deficient in this respect. Consequently, he has no intrinsic incentives to sacrifice himself meaningfully (including to make meaningful changes), especially in the long-term, for others.
Can the sociopath cease his abuse temporarily? Yes, if the short-term incentives are strong enough. The sociopathic abuser can sometimes suspend his abuse just long enough to recapture what he wants (like renewed sexual attentions), or just long enough to avoid losing what he’s unprepared to lose (like a doting partner who makes his life convenient in many ways).
But bear in mind the shelf-life for his changes will be temporary; also, i think it bears repeating, these changes will be driven to improve his, not your, sense of security and comfort.
Conversely, where you have an abusive individual who is capable of feeling love and empathy for his partner, it is possible that he may reach a point of recognition that he no longer wants to be a cause, through his abuse, of his partner’s suffering. This is where the kernel of hope lies and where the work begins–from the recognition that one can no longer justify, or rationalize, being a source of suffering to another. However this requires a capacity to empathize; and where one feels love, as well as empathy, for one’s victims, then one has a chance to begin to work through one’s abusiveness.
Unfortunately chronic abusiveness is often associated with, and supported by, a highly narcissistic mindset, in which capacities for mature love and empathy are limited. This explains why it is often very difficult to treat successfully chronic relationship abusers.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
This is a very good post. I would hope that maybe when these articles are posted from now on that the automatice assumption will stop being implied that only men can be sociopaths.
Putting “he”, “his” etc in this articles is almost like a form of NLP which just further entrenches the misguided notion that sociopaths are male and the victims; female.
Repsectfully I would like to see “He” etc replaced with “the sociopath” or “he/she” – although to be honest in an ideal world if should be really “it” and “that thing”.
In light of this article, Steve, it brings to mind the “redemption” of many convicted murderers as they face the time of their execution. Particularly one executed Thursday (yesterday) and how SHE had “found Jesus” and a “purpose in life” and plead for her life to be spared because she had “found redemption” in her death row cell.
It is the rare inmate facing death who does not claim to have found redemption on death row! Just as my own psychopathic son claims “redemption” in letters he send to various people claiming such great concern with “what would Jesus do” but comparing these letters with the ones he wrote to his co-conspirator in his plans to take over the family assets by eliminating first me and then the others…there is no doubt that his “redemption” is false.
While “change” in behavior and change in thinking/attitude is possible, even in people motivated for changes in these things I think is extremely difficult. I can look to my own attitudes and behaviors as an example of how difficult it is to change thinking, attitudes, and behavior–especially against one’s own “will.”
I quit smoking cigarettes. It was extremely difficult, especially at first, and though I knew the behavior was bad for me, I wanted to continue to engage in that behavior because it brought pleasure to me. It was my “drug of choice.”
Right now, I am on a restricted calorie food plan (read DIET) and though I know it is imperative that I stick to this food plan for the sake of my health, I do NOT want to do so, because I get pleasure from food. My body is accustomed to more food than it is now getting and it is “complaining” that I am starving it which it is genetically programmed to do by eons of my ancestors who survived because their bodies continually urged them to seek more food.
Change is difficult even in a person who is MOTIVATED to change thinking and behavior, whether it is to kick a drug habit, change eating behaviors (that’s why diets don’t work, it is only a CHANGE in eating behaviors and attitudes that does work).
To DEPRIVE yourself of something that is pleasurable to YOU for the “greater good” of OTHERS (even ones you love) is not an attitude or behavior that comes easily or naturally to many humans, and not at all to psychopaths.
I read an interesting quotation today by a Chinese man about the Chinese version of charity. He said “If you have a cup of water, you keep it for yourself, if you have a barrel you share it with your family, if you have a river, you share it with everyone.”
While this pretty much describes general mankind I think, the psychopaths are not even satisfied with having the river, and don’t want to Share, and the Mother Theresas of this world give away the cup of water they had.
While the psychopath is not going to be motivated to change his selfish behavior of “everything for me,” we on the other hand, having been on the other hand too empathetic, too giving, reserving too little for ourselves, need to find the motivation and strength to change our behavior to reserve some of our caring and empathy for ourselves.
TRUE Change of attitudes and resultant behavior, under the best of conditions, is difficult. For the psychopath, change is impossible because he has no motivation and sees no benefit in depriving himself of whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.
In the meantime….gosh I am hungry! LOL
Hey, Oxy, Did everything go ok at the Dr. appointment?
Well, let’s just say I am on a STRICT change of EATING PROGRAM, you can’t “quit cold turkey” with the eating like you can with cigarettes or booze, but you definitely only need SO MUCH FOOD per day and I’ve been over doing it.
Got more tests scheduled, I made my doctor laugh when I told her “Well I guess this is the dance they call the DOCTOR TROT” She said “What’s that?” I said “that is when old people trot from doctor to doctor to find out what’s wrong or fix it.” LOL
Nothing serious at this point except I DO have to get my weight under control—so I am now OUT OF DENIAL, and taking ACTION that I don’t necessarily want to take, but realize I MUST TAKE. I’ve just let the weight creep up and creep up until now it is no longer a case of joking about being a “fat old lady” I now QUALIFY and it’s NO JOKE…soooooo…had a 100 cal. yogurt and a banana for breakfast and it is about LUNCH TIME now! YEA!!! but i t is still 10 hours or so before I can go back to bed and sleep on my empty stomach!
Remember when you had to eat your veggies because of all the “starving children in china?” Well tonight when you go to sleep, think about the STARVING OLD LADY AT MY HOUSE! LOL ROTFLMAO
I’m sorry you’re hungry, but very glad there’s nothing serious going on.
I really should see a Dr. too. As I’ve shared before, I put on weight really fast after leaving the spath, hit menopause two months later…but I’ve never been overweight untl now…It’s all in my middle the bad kind…due to stress? And I’m hungry all the time. I’m afraid I might have developed diabetis…my feet twitch and tingle and zap me, too.
I hope you aren’t feeling hungry, tonight…but I’ll eat a little extra for you. 🙂
Dear Kim,
I spent a great deal of time in little clinic rooms teaching diabetics how to change their eating habits…and knowing this, and having type II diabetes in my family, I didn’t change my own eating habits lately and have gained weight and gained weight….and yes I have the beginning of diabetes type II…probably not for a long TIME yet, but still it is there. You are describing the Signs and symptoms of type II Diabetes and I STRONGLY SUGGEST you get to a doctor and get tested.
The test is called HA1C And is now used to verify diabetes –it has actually been USED to verify it for a long time but can now be “legally” used to do so. I used it for years. It is actually the AVERAGE of your blood sugars for the last 3 months.
Mine is only VERY slightly raised but it is like being preg or dead, you IS OR YOU AIN’T!
Diabetes is now not really a separate disease from heart problems and blood pressure etc. and is called METABOLIC SYNDROME so GET THEE to a doctor Kimmie. 99% of diabetic treatment is not medication it is SELF CARE with exercise and food intake and monitoring.
I used to tell my patients I was the COACH and they were the TEAM and it is a “do-it-yourself” treatment plan. So now I am going to have to pull my canoe out of DE RIVER DE-NIAL and get serious about my food and exercise. So come on Chickie, Let’s do it together (ps. my added weight is 90% around my middle too, STRESS is a big cause but eating too much is the main cause!)
Get on the American Diabetic Association web site and look at the food programs (but DO go to the doctor and get tested, you might need medication at least for a while, pills usually do it in type II and are not expensive)
I am doing 1200 cal per day x 2 weeks and then will reassess. Eating 3 times a day and small snacks in between and chewing GUM! in between too.
Hey, if we can kick the chemical addictions and kick the addictions to the Ps we can GET HEALTHY all the way around! We can CHANGE our eating plans! (Diet is a nasty word!) I like STARVATION as a much better word! LOL ((((Hugs)))))
The best thing about being on what I call “the relationship weight loss diet” is that it’s REALLY easy to stick to. LOL. I have NO desire to eat, but when I do, I make sure it’s healthy and I make sure it’s balanced. I guess I’m using that approach all around now right now.
I’ve been battling the SAME 20 lbs for a LONG time now. I kept thinking, “Why am I not losing weight if my relationship has ended? Everyone else loses weight?” It was because I had not actually started to let go. Now that I am and I am GENUINELY going through the grieving process. Before I’d grieve for 2 days and then cave and contact “the love of my life”. So now I’m 14 pounds down and that part feels GREAT. I’m going out tonight with a wonderful friend. I’m going to put on my new jeans and enjoy the warm, fall night. I’m not jumping for joy, but I at LEAST feeling pretty good about how I look 😉 Which sure beats how it felt when I had the extra weight.
I’m shedding a lot of things. Warning to anyone out there who thinks the “breaking point” is a piece of cake. It ain’t. There are simply MOMENTS of peace. They are fleeting, but hey, at least they exist. Cary Grant once said that he had an image of the man he wanted to be, so he did everything “that image/man” would do and finally he BECAME the character and man we all think of as Cary Grant. A great example of “fake it till ya make it.”
So EVEN though everything I do takes SO much frickin’ effort and this “letting go” business is like a drug addict going through detox (meaning it’s sickening and EXTRAORDINARILY painful), I keep reminding myself that I have tried EVERYTHING ELSE and I’m really out of options. And so I plug through each day, one step at a time. The days last FOREVER. The weekends are always hardest. But at least I’m not thinking, “Where is he? What is he doing this weekend? Is he with her? Does he think about me? Does he wish I was there?” I’m just finally saying “Where am I? What am I doing this weekend? Who should I spend my time with? How do I feel?”
I just keep saying, “Did you make decisions today based on what was good for you, TODAY?” Answer: Yes. “Did you help others TODAY?” Answer: Yes. Ok, so that’s all you can ask of yourself right now. The good news is that I DIDN’T do something that would harm me. And even though I would LIKE to stop needing to return to the messages on this site, I am not beating myself up that I am writing here. Hopefully it helps someone else. It helps me for sure.
I don’t LIKE to admit that I have allowed my life to get so bad. And I do resist the process. BUT, I try and I AM NOT GIVING UP! Yes, it’s painful, but I am frickin’ RESOLVED to do this. Even if I HATE the fact that I have to keep repeating all this mantra stuff daily. Sometimes I feel pissed off that I have to do all this “touchy feelie, self-help, finding God, shit” (Forgive the blasphemous talke here). But I know that’s me resisting the process. I have ALWAYS believed AND SAID that we are ONLY here to learn who WE ARE and to live out OUR TRUTH. I have known it, said it, but I was NOT living that anymore. I was betraying myself. Yes “HE” was betraying me. But I am not responsible for that crime. I AM responsible for what I do and each day I just make sure I focus on that and that alone.
Despite the fact there is a COMPULSION to return to my old behavior, I am instead using that compulsion to write here. Still a compulsion, but at least the way I am ALLOWING it to manifest is positive. I believe that people often think that former drug addicts who become “born again” have recovered. In some ways they have, but I personally believe that they have simply replace one compulsion for another. The idea is to find BALANCE and to be RID of compulsion. YES you need food to live, but overeating when you are not hungry is about being COMPULSIVE. Yes you need to find God to find yourself, but if then all your conversations are nothing but about religion and the focus is to convert everyone you encounter (I know I’m getting into hot water here, with some), then I think you are still not dealing with the root of the problem and are STILL living a life of COMPULSIVE behavior…..blah, blah, blah, blah. I’m starting to BORE myself with all this. I’m ONLY writing now so someone else can read and say “Ok, I’m not alone. I fee like that.”
Anyhow, time to shower, change, fluff my hair, slap on some make-up and go have some fun. LOL. Well, I’ll TRY anyway 😉
Have a great weekend Soul Searchers.
Peace.
Dear Callista,
Darling I have been here at LF for 3 years more or less. THREE years, and I think I have posted EVERY day except maybe 1 or 2 in that time. I do not think that that means I am WEAK or anything else, it means that this is theraputic for me. I can look back at some of my earlier posts and even if they “sound” strong I know that I was still in a very EARLY stage of the healing.
Sure, it may help someone else, but the MAIN PERSON MY POSTING HAS HELPED IS ME—because when I say to you, NO CONTACT, I am reinforcing that mantra into my mind.
When I am thinking about “what advice would I give to her?” I think about what advice I NEED TO LISTEN TO….
It isn’t about wallowing in pity, I’m long past that FINALLY, or needing validation every second of every day, it is that RECOVERY AND HEALING IS A JOURNEY NOT A DESTINATION. There will never be a time when I can say “I am FULLY 100% healed and dont have lessons I need to learn.”
Just as the people in AA are always working toward recovery or working on recovery, so we must work TOWARD healing. We may get closer and closer every day, but the JOURNEY CONTINUES as long as we breathe.
My “problem”—my WORST PROBLEM—in my life was that after one severe attack by a psychopath I would fall into a heap and try to “heal” and even THINK I had ARRIVED at “being healed” but then because I hadn’t figured out WHAT HIT ME, I fell victim to the next psychopath that walked by or fell victim to the same one over and over again.
This time, I GOT THE LESSON, that I will always WORK toward healing, work toward WISDOM and work toward being the best person I can be for each day, and to be supportive to others as much as I can, but NOT to allow myself to fall into enabling behaviors, and to NOT NEGLECT MYSELF.
I’m glad you are going out with your make up on and your bouncy hair! Go have a GOOD TIME or ELSE!!! You enjoy yourself or face the consequences! LOL ((((Hugs)))) {Nah, I wouldn’t hit you too hard with the skillet for not enjoying yourself, you’re giving it your best shot, and that’s all a jack ass can do!!!!} LOL
Thank you Steve for another very interesting article and seemingly right on target with my experience.
When the Spath in my life recently said “I love you, you make feel better than anyone else, but ‘m letting you go because I want what’s best for you”….I wondered weather this was an admission of all his abuse on his part, with an attempt to reform his chronic emotional abuse? Did he really feel some small spekle of love and empathy for the pain he’s caused me? and whants to maker restetutuion by setting free…or was it another manipulative maneuver to get me to feel confused, anxious and sorry for him?
After 4 years of behavioral history patterns where at times there was “gentle” abuse or no abuse, and I thought he was trully reforming, even becomming more genuinly loving….to flipping back to mean psychological manipulation, laing and cheating, was there ever a sincere attempt to reform?
He’s parting words were “I know I have issues to work on”…”thank you P for all you did for me, helping me see things in a different perspective and recovering from me from prostate surgery ED issues, now go in peace” Peace because It’ll never work out!…is this a genuine admission and attmept to change himself?
it’s been an odd night. dealing with the fall out of the outing. such weirdness not to have been expected. cannot say details…but why i would expect it to be garden variety weird, and not fucking twilight zone weird is beyond me. but i did.
people are shakey and suspicious. understandable. but i am not going to give much beyond the basic info. a couple more days? probably. it’s sooo weird and THE best affirmation of how weird the poo is. i mean, omg weird. i really have come a long way. i am still so shattered, and my life and health is a mess – but i am getting myself back. different, but back.