When is history predictive of future behavior? Who can change? Who will change? Can sociopaths change? What is meaningful versus unmeaningful change?
I would argue that history is most predictive of future behavior when the mindset of the individual—especially the motivational mindset of the individual—remains static. By this I mean that short of a radicalized mindset, one can assume that the individual’s historical behaviors and attitudes will not change, at least not meaningfully.
So motivation goes directly to the question who is likely, or unlikely, to make changes in historical behavior patterns. One must ask, what is the individual’s motivation to change previous behavior?
This isn’t always easy to answer for several reasons—one, we can disguise our motives; also, we can want to believe that someone’s stated motive is their true motive, when it isn’t (sometimes against our better judgement). Plus, as change-intenders, we can also deceive ourselves about our own motives, further complicating the task of ascertaining the true motive(s) behind an intended change.
In the case of the sociopath, we can be quite sure of this: His motives will be self-serving (which alone isn’t necessarily a fatal problem). What makes the problem “fatal” is that the sociopath’s motives will be exclusively self-serving. Sure, he may be motivated to please you, but it will be, exclusively, to benefit himself (from his pleasing you).
This means the sociopath won’t be looking genuinely to benefit you with his change, but rather, principally (if not entirely) himself.
And so sociopaths, if motivated enough, can make changes. But one can’t stress enough that their motives to change will be shallow. Now it may not look like this on the surface—that is, a slick sociopath can seem to want to change with convincing, genuine intent. But eventually, often much too late for his partner, the underlying, dominating self-centeredness of his agenda will surface.
This is a fancy way of reminding ourselves that the sociopath is manifestly out for himself; thus any changes he endeavors will be pursued with the aim to protect and advance his interests, his gratifications; not yours.
Let’s consider the case of the abusive personality—more specifically, someone with a significant history as a serial emotional, if not physical, abuser. Can this individual change? And, if so, under what circumstances?
If he’s a sociopath, we have our answer—no. The sociopathic abuser is a flat-out hopeless case; he will never stop his abuse in a permanent, reliable way. The reason why is that he’s lacking an essential motivation: to want, genuinely, to cease his role as a cause of his partner’s suffering.
In the sociopath’s case, he lacks this motivation permanently because, basically, he lacks love and empathy for his partner. This is the sociopath’s essential defect—his incapacity to love and empathize maturely. He is primitively, functionally deficient in this respect. Consequently, he has no intrinsic incentives to sacrifice himself meaningfully (including to make meaningful changes), especially in the long-term, for others.
Can the sociopath cease his abuse temporarily? Yes, if the short-term incentives are strong enough. The sociopathic abuser can sometimes suspend his abuse just long enough to recapture what he wants (like renewed sexual attentions), or just long enough to avoid losing what he’s unprepared to lose (like a doting partner who makes his life convenient in many ways).
But bear in mind the shelf-life for his changes will be temporary; also, i think it bears repeating, these changes will be driven to improve his, not your, sense of security and comfort.
Conversely, where you have an abusive individual who is capable of feeling love and empathy for his partner, it is possible that he may reach a point of recognition that he no longer wants to be a cause, through his abuse, of his partner’s suffering. This is where the kernel of hope lies and where the work begins–from the recognition that one can no longer justify, or rationalize, being a source of suffering to another. However this requires a capacity to empathize; and where one feels love, as well as empathy, for one’s victims, then one has a chance to begin to work through one’s abusiveness.
Unfortunately chronic abusiveness is often associated with, and supported by, a highly narcissistic mindset, in which capacities for mature love and empathy are limited. This explains why it is often very difficult to treat successfully chronic relationship abusers.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
This is to thank all of you wonderful guys out there, who have written so eloquently, with such compassion, love, insight, care, WORDS NEARLY FAIL ME!!I have printed all your letters to me out, and will keep them in a special folde r and read and re-read them when I feel down.
Kimmie,Erin Brock,Oxy,Whyme,{truly wonderful writing!}, Libelle, ALL of you are WONDERFUL and I cant thank you enough!
Thank God for our friends on LF! At least when one of us is down someone will lift her/.him up,and I hope that I lift some of you up on my good days.
I am so touched a nd in awe of the beautiful words of help and comfort!! THANKS again Guys!!
Love and a million HUGS!!!YOU ARE ALL AWESOME!!
Mama gemXXX PS I feel so much better today, its true its always darkest before the dawn.!
WhyMe, Happy Happy Birthday, wondeful girl!! Hey anyone who can write so well and so eloquently as you did to me, is a SMART , sensitive, kind, loving, imaginative lovely person! We WILL get thru all the shiat that our spaths have heaped on us for years and years.Thank God for LF, we can lift each other up when we’re down!
You seem to have some great, loving friends, so dont be ashamed to use their help. Im sure youd help any one of them if the situations were reversed!
Remember, all spaths are LIARS. At least we are human and REAL!I happen to think you are one VERY special lady!
Lots of Love, and thanks again,
Mama Gem.{{HUGS!!} to the moon and back!!XXXXX
WhyMe, Happiest Birthday EVER!!!!!
Melinda, it hasn’t happened to me because I changed the locks as soon as I realized he was dangerous. He could have easily broken in, but that wouldn’t have been subtle. A friend of mine whose P is a murderer spent almost her last dime on a Brinks security system when she moved into a new place. I think she had been out of the relationship for about 5 years at that time. He told her daughter (who hadn’t found him out) he knew where her mom had moved to before she had been there a month. She said she doubted that Brinks could catch him, but at least she would have a panic button. I thought, wow, this guy has her brainwashed (and no wonder!). Sure enough, a strange pair of reading glasses appeared. His MO is to rearrange things slightly and leave harmless objects that only she would know weren’t there before, but would know he had made his boast good. Brinks never caught him. I was there when she found the glasses. They weren’t there when we left. There was only one other person who had been there, and the glasses weren’t his either. We had set the alarms when we left. Talk about gaslighting, this guy is so good at it he scares ME and I’ve never met him, and hope I never do. Luckily, very few people can pull stuff like that off, and even he had been caught by a nanny cam in a previous place.
I know it sounds odd, but I am soooooo grateful my X is such a lazy spud it’s probably too much effort for him to hunt me down. I’m sure he knows I live in this town, but finding me easily would take work (I do periodic searches on my real name to make sure it doesn’t show up anywhere except in the past) and he’s allergic to work. Probably too stoned to move now he doesn’t have to hide it any more.
Melinda:
Yes…..they do come back!
And they do just the things you describe……to plant doubt in your sanity.
Might be his last ditch resort to ‘grab’ you back.
Any chance he could have planted a camera inside home to ‘watch’ you?
I don’t want you to get paranoid……
But……you know your spath better than anyone…..
I often wonder ‘why’ this client of spaths and mine called me and was attempting to befriend me……right after spath left…..stopped by my home one day with a bottle of wine…..to surprise me and ‘cheer’ me up.
I siad, thanks but i’m cheery!
I tore apart the couch after she left and redirected her to the guest bath when she attempted to go into my bedroom to use my toilet??
She talked and talked……about nothing…..trying to prompt me into talking about spath…..I would turn it to my travels with kids….and the nicknacks we picked up…..she was sooooo uniterested…..so I continued.
I often wonder if she was there to ‘plant’ something…..it was an ODD visit.
Never underestimate a spath…..as they underestimate us.
Get doweling for all windows. Change garage door opener code. If you can’t afford an alarm system, buy a cheap one for the windows…..and doors…..they chime and chirp loudly…..
If you share custody with kids……and he drops them off…..make sure your ALWAYS home…and never give your kids keys or lockbox code for home. Dad will go through backpack and duplicate keys.
a security camera is NOT expensive…..get one that records.
If you want piece of mind……buy it.
Stay safe darlen!
Dear Whyme and Melinda,
On the subject of gaslighting, I think my older spath daughter almost gota way witha gaslighting episode that nearly killed me..Oxy and EB and some others may have heard me mention this one.
Prob one of the scariest days of my life. My older spath D wa about 16 at the time, had run away from home, flunked school,{after years of staright “A’s shed joineda punlk group and they would not let her join them if she studied, so she stopped overnight. This was a girl who was Uni material.Anyway, my ex and I finally found out where she was living,{couch surfing with an old lady whom she d told she was “destitute and homeless”.At the time she had her own flat under the house!We brought her home, all in black, black eyeliner, gothic clothes, black lipstick, you get the picture. She looked very scary, and she is taller than I am.The day she cam e home I wanted to hug her, and welcome her back, but she glared at me {that black, spath glare!}and said,coldly,
“This is only temporary, Ill be gone in 3 weeks,” so I wisely said, “Darling, better to leave your stuff in your case,fora while in case you decide to move.” A wise move, as she stayed for a year. But boy, was she scary! I used to shake when she came near me. She used to climb out of the window and run off into the night.My ex husband was useless as hed started drinking again with all the strain of her.
One day, {she was actually standing ironing a shirt, with a heavy industrial steam iron Id been given.}
I said, trying very hard NOT to antgonise her yet again,
“Darling, when your boyfriend comes to pick you up in his car, do you think you could bring him to the front door,and introduce me to him instead of just running up th drive into the night when he toots his horn?”
“You F—ing Biatch!!” Ge t off my back !”she yelled at me,
and the next thing shed thrown that heavy hot steam iron with all her might,at my head. It missed by a handspan, and hit the door jamb.
I was standing in the doorway, opposite her.the staircase led down to her flat,and wed put in a new door , the woodwork was still unpainted and soft.The iron left a dent in the soft wood, very close to my right temple.
Then she ran off.out of the house.{This is her Modus operandi, Run away, never face anything.Shes still doing it today.}
I sat on that bottom step, and shook for a bout an hour. I remember trying to put water in the kettle to make mysef a cup of tea,but my right hand shook so much I couldnt fill it.I sat down again, and stayed d there, shaking and crying for hours, till my ex and my 2 girls came home.{second spath D was about 14 at the time.} I told my ex what happened and D vehemently denied throwing that iron.
Second spath,C,
“D. NEVER threw any iron at you! Your crazy! You should be committed! ”
Well, this was around1980. By 1985, I had moved out, divorced, and met and married my darling husband,David.
For some reason, this thought wouldnt go away.It niggled at me for weeks on end.
“Just suppose the girls a re right, Maybe I imagined the whole thing!” I couldnt get it out of my head.
So, one day, not telling David, I took a succession of trains and buses to my old home, the site of so much of my torment from my 3 spaths.I knocke d on the front door, and a tiny wee boy of about 5 , opened it.{This was a week day.} I asked to speak to his Mum,
“Mums at work” he told me.He had a small boy about his age with him they were both sitting on the floor, watchinga giant TV with all the curtains drawn. I realised at that point I should go, but having come all that way, I thought,
“Its now or never”.The wee boy, very self possessed, asked me if Id like a cup of tea! No, thank you, I said, “My name is Mrs R, I used to live here,” and I showed him photos Id brought to prove it.I asked him if I could go downstairs, and look a round,”For old times sake”.
“Thats cool!” he said.Downstairs I went. I stood on the bottom step, and in the same position Id been in when D had thrown the steam iron at my head. There, in the soft wood of the door jamb,[still unpainted,5 years later},was a dent big enought to fit the whole of my thumb in, exactly one hand span from my right temple. Im sure if it HAD hit me there,Id have been injured or possibly even dead.
Thats all I needed to know.I thanked the wee boy, and left, headed home. When I got home, David said,
“What the hell have you done?Where have you been? Ive had the N.Police on my back, this woman claims a Mrs R. trespassed on her property and she wants you prosecuted.!”I sussed that shed come home from work, found out some woman had been in her house, and,guilty,and scared Id ring the Child safety dept, she got in first and trie d to have ME prosecuted!When I explained all this to the Police they told me not to worry, it was a “storm in a tea-cup, theyd ring the woman and explain. I never heard another thing about it.
This was my worst experience of being gaslighted, long before Id even heard abou t it, or even knew what it was!!
And my spath Ds almost had me believing Id dreamed the whole thing up, and that I WAS crazy!!
True story!You couldnt make it up!!
Love, mama gem.
Dear Gem,
YOU are so right! If enough people tell you you look “ill’ you start to feel ill.
When we were teenagers at school we would play pranks on our friends by doing this. 4-5 of us would each one start to tell someone they look sort of ill, “are you okay?” and by the end of the day they were feeling terrible and would go home and go to bed!
We were doing it as a JOKE but we really didn’t realize exactly what we were doing was GASLIGHTING. But that is what the psychopaths do to us and they don’t even have to have a gang of them to do it, one or even two at most can drive us to think we are crazy!
Your daughters were doing just that to you, and under the stress you were in, it worked until you went for PROOF. GOOD GIRL.
YOU VALIDATED the reality of the attack.
Our memories (even under normal circumstances) are not as good as we wish they were or sometimes think they are and we don’t always remember details the way we think we do (research has proven this in some funny ways) and EYE WITNESS testimony in criminal cases is probably about 50-60% right on, but it has sent plenty of people to their prison cells or deaths when it was WRONG but not on purpose, just memory isn’t all that great! So it is easy for the psychopaths to gaslight us. l know for sure my egg donor did me. WOW! did she ever.
It never dawned on me she would deliberately LIE. I kept thinking, “well, I remember it xyz, but she says abc, so maybe I forgot, or maybe she did, but she would NOT LIE!” So I gave her credit where it wasn’t due, and even GASLIGHTED MYSELF! LOL
Gem, it has been slow I think, for you to INTERNALIZE just how evil your daughters treated you, and to internalize that there is NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE BETTER to have changed the situation.
Your D’s father sounds to me high in psychopathic traits if he is not a full blown one, and they DID NOT FALL FAR FROM THAT TREE. The genetics are there. Like my P-son, they showed up at puberty when it frequently hit and shows up with the hormone surge.
WE must VALIDATE ourselves, and internalize that validation. External validation is okay, but what we really must do is ACCEPT our OWN validation that we are NOT wrong about what we see, experienced and felt, or feel now. OUR EXPERIENCES ARE REAL! They are OURS. ((((Hugs))))) Love Oxy
Dearest friends,
Oxy, chinagirl, Kim, gemini, StolenInnocence, EB, Hens, romanticfool:
Thank you SO MUCH for not whacking me! Thank you all for your birthday wishes. And thanks for giving me permission to have that “big, ugly cry” because I did do that…inexplicably woke up crying & kept crying thru the day, & then when the car broke, the floodgates opened. And thank you most of all for all your supportive, empathetic, & encouraging words. I needed everyone of those virtual HUGS.
Everything everyone of you said was right on the money, & I know it is. I am so incredibly grateful for all the people who stepped up to help me….most of them not even expecting to ever be paid back. I’m grateful on a different level for having these losses because everytime something has been lost (or broken) God sends someone to make up for it, to repair it….I look at them as ways that God’s continuing to whack me with HIS skillet—letting the devil steal them away, just so He can prove His grace & glory by immediately restoring them—& hope I’ll learn the lesson of GRATITUDE!
Even when J walked out, he did walk out the day after my wonderful, strong, optimistic son came home from prison. (for butting in to defend the young girl who lived at their house & who’d been beaten up by her bf the nite before…that’s an assault charge, no matter the reason.)And I’m eternally grateful for, & thankful every day for his being here, listening to me cry, telling me to stop thinking about J & what’s gone, & to start looking at what we have, & what we will have. That’s a huge blessing!! ( & he’s even an incredible cook!)
And I love you all for immediately stepping up to help me with your immense emotional support…..for telling me that I shouldn’t be mad at myself because I “can’t push my own wheel chair” right now! For telling me that, yes, I AM broken & wounded right now, & that I need to be patient with myself, & remember that I need to take time to heal—-instead of just leaping out of bed the first time the fever goes down, or insisting on walking just because my broken limbs aren’t in excruciating pain today.
It’s just so hard to be patient with yourself when people around you are expecting that, after 4 months, it’s time that I get up & out & doing & start looking for a job. & to feel that I can present myself well enough (a nervous wreck of a 66yo woman, no longer the moxie-filled chick of 55) to even get hired for a job! (In a tiny resort village, filled with semi-retired people who want part-time work, & with only a finite number of jobs.) I was a portrait artist & an astrological counselor & a wife to a man (a psychotic man) but one who made $$$$. I haven’t had a “real job” since 1976, other than construction work in the 90s, which doesn’t qualify me for many age-appropriate jobs now!
Yes, I need to get back to my artwork. (my plan was to take painting classes & go back to basic art classes in Mexico, to re-learn all the skills that were natural to me 25 yrs ago.) It’s just hard for me to force myself to be artistic in the state I’m in. And then it’d take at least a year to be proficient enough to sell again.
Yes, I am doing some astrology work for F&F, but I’m not charging them. I don’t know how to market it…..all my work was by word of mouth for 18yrs. A website, yes, but how many astrology websites are there & how many hits would I even get, much less requests for charts?
I am doing some volunteering at my church. That’s not much, I know, but it seems to be all I can attempt right now.
And there I come back again, in another panic attack about what I need to be doing but am not doing & WTH aren’t I??
I didn’t mean to go into alla this other whining about jobs & all……it just kinda happened.
I love all of you for being there, & for listening, & for understanding.
Dear Whyme,
Darling I am so glad that you are feeling your FEELINGS—and remember, your 24 hours is about up, so STOP BASHING YOURSELF!!!
Take 3 things and put on a TO DO list for today. Do those 3 things and STOP for the day. The three things can be, 1) take a bath 2) eat a meal 3) take a walk.
Tomorrow’s list may be 1) call about food stamps 2) bathe and eat, 3) sweep floor
But whatever you do, just STOP when you accomplish the three things on your list. At first they may literally be as simple as take a bath, or eat a meal, because for a very injured and wounded person that may be ALL they can accomplish. All the can be EXPECTED to accomplish.
So keep your EXPECTATIONS real. Don’t worry about getting a job when you don’t have the energy to take a bath or eat a meal. If your son is there with you, that is great and I hope that he will take a lot of the mundane housekeeping, cooking, yard work, and other stuff off your hands so you can concentrate on healing yourself. I am very fortunate that my son D is here with me, but I also realize that HE also has PTSD from the same plane crash that killed my husband and burned him, but between the TWO OF US we are “like two one legged men, we hold on to each other and by doing that we can stand!”
I’m sure your son home from prison has some issues as well that he needs to work on, so maybe the two of you together can do like son D and I and “HOLD ON” to each other for support!
God bless and keep the faith! (((Hugs)))) It WILL get better!
Oxy, you wrote:
“2) No, I don’t believe I earned this by past life screw ups though I know others do, but I do believe in a higher power who controls the universe and offers us a chance to learn lessons. I kept on FLUNKING the lessons so had to REPEAT THE CLASSES! LOL
Seriously, I grew up in a moderately dysfunctional family, with an enabling mind set for the women and some of the men out and out psychopaths and abusers. So I didn’t realize I could set boundaries and make them stick, or that my opinion mattered or that I was important.”
My questions about this are:
What are the lessons we flunk? They’re not just about setting boundaries, in my case, I don’t think, but maybe I’m not clear on what “boundaries” are.
And so, what are the Other lessons? I keep getting stuck in thinking that the lesson that I have to learn is that I’m the one who destroyed our relationship & drove him away, & that all the things he pinned on me After He Left were true. If they’d been that true & that bad, why did he continue to tell me that he loved everything about me….until he left? Is that where I’m sposed to get the clue that he’s sociopathic to have been able to keep up that charade with me, while having his other concurrent relationship?
I grew up in a dysfunctional family myself. Conflict, no affection, no “heart-to-hearts”, no shared activities or family quality time. A very Very emotionally erratic mother…(who I finally recognized in “People of the Lie”) selfish, actually Greedy, vain, self-centered,, & more in love with my brother than my daddy. (the SP brother who’s still withholding my inheritance from me….that’s a long story.) Daddy was a good man, but distant & uncommunicative. And yes, I suffered a lot of emotional abuse from both of them, particularly her….& what would be seen as physical abuse now: pulling me up from the table by my hair, dragging me across the floor, slapping & scratching with her red fingernails. Many times. And my SP brother was always physically & emotionally abusive of me, & still wants to control my life & deny me what’s mine.
Is one of the lessons we’re sposed to be learning about ourselves is that we do “have opinions that matter & are important”?
My mother told me many, many times that I was “rotten to the core”. That was the vision I had of myself as a child….the picture I thot of back in the 60s when tattoos first got popular….the one tatt that would express who I am: a rotten apple with a bite out of it & a worm crawling out of the hole.
So am I hearing you say that the lessons that We all have to learn are ones of self-esteem, self-worth, self-affirmation, & recognizing that we deserve the Best, not just the one who might show up, who we’re all too happy to take & be devoted to…..just because we think they accept us, & that it’s a miracle that some one has…..is that what we’re sposed to learn?
And, if so, does that mean we should also be strong enough & secure enough in ourselves to know that we have flaws that we need to correct…..maybe just those same flaws which were the tiny grains of truth out of which he created his mountain of lies about me to “justify” his abandonment? I’ll cop to speaking my mind—maybe too often….(whether it’s about politics or that I wished he’d glue his teeth in)…..& to expressing disappointment or unhappiness as quickly as I express happiness….I’ve never been patient, but I’m not IMpatient as I was when I was young…..& I was certainly patient in the sense of waiting for him & his promises for 8 yrs. Maybe if I can develop a better sense of self, I can look at those flaws as minor things in need of improvement, but not SINS that caused him to have another woman & abandon me for her.
Is that right?
Oxy,
More wonderful advice & wisdom from you, my friend. I just saw your most recent comment after I posted the last one of mine (I had to wait to post after writing becuz the fridge was being delivered. Yea!)
The advice of doing 3 things a day is good because that’s pretty much what I’m trying to do: I tell myself that if I’ve applied for food stamps (which I’m finishing doing today), & gone to the gym for at least 30 min, & either gone to my therapist or pastor or to the store, or researched something on the internet that either my son or I need to know, I’ve done pretty well for the day. Thanks for approving that as acceptable expectations for me at this time!
I’m glad your son is there with you, too. I didn’t realize that you had a son living with you. I sure recognize the “2 1-legged men” analogy, because that’s what we’re doing here, too. And yes, I’m so very fortunate that my son D is strongly supportive but “stern” with me, & that he does do ALL the cooking, most of the shopping, & all the yard work & trash hauling & those things…..he was doing the vacuuming for a few months, but now he’s starting to say,”now mama, you’re a perfectly capable, able-bodied, & strong woman, & you should start cleaning your house & taking care of it like you used to, & yes, you CAN get those boxes out of storage by yourself!”
Kids can be a great treasure, can’t they?