When is history predictive of future behavior? Who can change? Who will change? Can sociopaths change? What is meaningful versus unmeaningful change?
I would argue that history is most predictive of future behavior when the mindset of the individual—especially the motivational mindset of the individual—remains static. By this I mean that short of a radicalized mindset, one can assume that the individual’s historical behaviors and attitudes will not change, at least not meaningfully.
So motivation goes directly to the question who is likely, or unlikely, to make changes in historical behavior patterns. One must ask, what is the individual’s motivation to change previous behavior?
This isn’t always easy to answer for several reasons—one, we can disguise our motives; also, we can want to believe that someone’s stated motive is their true motive, when it isn’t (sometimes against our better judgement). Plus, as change-intenders, we can also deceive ourselves about our own motives, further complicating the task of ascertaining the true motive(s) behind an intended change.
In the case of the sociopath, we can be quite sure of this: His motives will be self-serving (which alone isn’t necessarily a fatal problem). What makes the problem “fatal” is that the sociopath’s motives will be exclusively self-serving. Sure, he may be motivated to please you, but it will be, exclusively, to benefit himself (from his pleasing you).
This means the sociopath won’t be looking genuinely to benefit you with his change, but rather, principally (if not entirely) himself.
And so sociopaths, if motivated enough, can make changes. But one can’t stress enough that their motives to change will be shallow. Now it may not look like this on the surface—that is, a slick sociopath can seem to want to change with convincing, genuine intent. But eventually, often much too late for his partner, the underlying, dominating self-centeredness of his agenda will surface.
This is a fancy way of reminding ourselves that the sociopath is manifestly out for himself; thus any changes he endeavors will be pursued with the aim to protect and advance his interests, his gratifications; not yours.
Let’s consider the case of the abusive personality—more specifically, someone with a significant history as a serial emotional, if not physical, abuser. Can this individual change? And, if so, under what circumstances?
If he’s a sociopath, we have our answer—no. The sociopathic abuser is a flat-out hopeless case; he will never stop his abuse in a permanent, reliable way. The reason why is that he’s lacking an essential motivation: to want, genuinely, to cease his role as a cause of his partner’s suffering.
In the sociopath’s case, he lacks this motivation permanently because, basically, he lacks love and empathy for his partner. This is the sociopath’s essential defect—his incapacity to love and empathize maturely. He is primitively, functionally deficient in this respect. Consequently, he has no intrinsic incentives to sacrifice himself meaningfully (including to make meaningful changes), especially in the long-term, for others.
Can the sociopath cease his abuse temporarily? Yes, if the short-term incentives are strong enough. The sociopathic abuser can sometimes suspend his abuse just long enough to recapture what he wants (like renewed sexual attentions), or just long enough to avoid losing what he’s unprepared to lose (like a doting partner who makes his life convenient in many ways).
But bear in mind the shelf-life for his changes will be temporary; also, i think it bears repeating, these changes will be driven to improve his, not your, sense of security and comfort.
Conversely, where you have an abusive individual who is capable of feeling love and empathy for his partner, it is possible that he may reach a point of recognition that he no longer wants to be a cause, through his abuse, of his partner’s suffering. This is where the kernel of hope lies and where the work begins–from the recognition that one can no longer justify, or rationalize, being a source of suffering to another. However this requires a capacity to empathize; and where one feels love, as well as empathy, for one’s victims, then one has a chance to begin to work through one’s abusiveness.
Unfortunately chronic abusiveness is often associated with, and supported by, a highly narcissistic mindset, in which capacities for mature love and empathy are limited. This explains why it is often very difficult to treat successfully chronic relationship abusers.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Dear Whyme,
The lessons we need to learn (either as children as taught to us by our parents, and others who nurture us)
1) we are important
2) we have rights
3) we are worthy
4) we do NOT have to be perfect to be worthy, important or have rights
Yes, we do deserve the best, even though we are NOT perfect, and we can set boundaries.
A “boundary” is like a BORDER for a COUNTRY. This is MY space within this boundary, and you are not allowed to come into my country (space) and to do X, Y, or Z. If you “violate the law” you will be expelled from my country.
A boundary for a person would be like (for example) “You may not yell at me.”
If a person yells at you, you ENFORCE the boundary by saying. “I do not appreciate it when people yell at me, so we will discuss this later when you can speak without yelling.” Then turn and walk away. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
A more serious boundary would be “Since you have chosen to take money from my purse (steal) I think our relationship is at an end.” (or lie, or cheat, or hit me, or whatever they have done!)
When people do DIS-honest things or HATEFUL things, whatever those things are, we should NOT “trivalize” them by seeing them as UNimportant.
We do not have to be PERFECT in order to have boundaries.
Okay, I told lies when I was 15, but I quit lying when I was 15 and that does NOT give my egg donor a license to call me a “liar” when I catch HER IN A LIE.
Okay, I slept with someone I wasn’t married to X number of years ago, or I cheated on my spouse Y number of years ago, but that does NOT mean that it is OK for you to cheat on me today.
I do NOT have to restore trust to people who have proven by their ACTIONS to be untrustworthy. I can forgive someone (get the bitterness out of my heart) without restoring trust.
People must ERAN my trust by CONSISTENTLY being HONEST AND TRUTHFUL and kind and caring. Lies and dishonesty make me NOT trust someone. I do not want untrustworthy people in my INTIMATE CIRCLE OF LOVE.
So sit down and write 500 times and turn it in after school! 🙂
I AM WORTHY! I do NOT have to tolerate HATEFUL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. (((hugs))))
Thank you, Oxy.
Thank you so much for writing out all those boundary things for me. It just confuses me more. Because J never yelled at me, or took $ from me, or did anything but take care of me THAT I KNEW OF. Maybe he recognized that I’d accept anything he said, that I didn’t have a boundary that said, “you’re leaving me at home more & more, & always hanging up the phone when I walk in, & it makes me wonder if you’re cheating on me & lying.” Because, as you mentioned to me awhile back, he knew I was going to take anything he did without question because he knew that I’d looked for him & found him as the man I wanted to grow old with…..& that I was growing older, so that I’d put up with anything—-even frequent travels & secretive behavior.
He was Never Hateful to me ever. That’s the part that’s spooky to me. If he was so unhappy with me for so long, why didn’t he just say, “HEY, I’m unhappy with us, & I Love You, so I’m telling you right now these are the things I don’t want to have in a relationship….& if things don’t change, I’m going to leave & find someone who does make me happy!” It was always just everything was peachy.
Even tho we were seldom having sex—which he couldn’t complete when we did—because he was already having exciting stolen moments sex with her. I didn’t want to pressure him about it & maybe make him feel bad, & he knew, I guess, that I’d just accept that without question, too!
Thinking about all of that, I have to come back to all you said about Knowing I Am Worthy! And lovable. And that I should’ve said, “I need more Juice from you….I don’t want you to just take care of me.” “Hug me, Hold me, Love me!”
He just made sure that he’d never commit any infraction that’d cause me to doubt him, or to feel he’d crossed a boundary.
I don’t feel like I’m making one bit of sense. So I’m just gonna stop right now! 🙂
Dear Whyme,
You are making perfect sense to me and I imagine to others here too.
WHY did he do it? What did he get out of it? Hell if I know! Why didn’t he just MAN UP AND SAY “Look bitch you are too old/broke I don’t love you, I’m finding someone else?” WHY???
Hell if I know. Some of them just sneak around and get off on sneaking. As far as the sex is concerned, if you LOVE SOMEONE it doesn’t matter if you can “get it up or not” you still MAKE LOVE to them and both parties are HAPPY. Making love isn’t about a hard member, it is about sharing and bonding and making each other feel loved and good.
If I could convince people who were paralyzed from the neck down to enjoy making love with their partners, I think someone with all 4 limbs moving can make LOVE with our without an erection. IF THEY LOVE THE OTHER PERSON.
Okay, so you played a rousing game of door mat! I’ve got boot tracks up and down my spine and most of us here have too.
Whatever he got out of it, he USED YOU for years for SOMETHING, til a better (in his mind) trolley came along.
But you know, remember when your mother told you to give your used and “unwanted toys to the LESS FORTUNATE?” Well, you have JUST DONATED THE RATTIEST TOY OF THEM ALL TO HER! SHE LOSES! She didn’t get a prize! Well, yea she did! The BOOBIE PRIZE
Whyme,
Sweetie I HEAR YOU!!!! Like I said many time before…..mine was the EXACT same. Even AFTER I found him in vegas with her…he still told me that “you broke up with me…what was I supposed to do…to this day I still miss being next to you in bed”
He was never ugly to me face to face…but crazy up and down when we were apart. Hateful texts followed by I’m sorry’s and I am so blessed to hove you in my life….not taking my calls to calling me back within a few seconds of missing my call. That is the ONLY time I saw the hatefulness…when he was half way across the country. I think that isone thing that makes it so hard for us. When you don’t see that person at all…ever…all you see is the kind, loving, emotionally generous mask….i think it makes it even harder to believe it was a lie. At least that is how I rationalize it to myself!!! BUT I know that the man I loved is not capable of the things D did in the end….and that is who I’ve learned he was before me…it is his pattern…I was just a stepping stone!!
One of the hardest things for me to try and get is the intimacy. When we were together he seemed to really care if I was enjoying it. I NEVER had the “big moment” but it appeared that he tried….that he wanted that to happen. He had so much more experience than I did so I just believed him that it was just me and it would all come in time….hmmmm….sometimes I wonder if he kept me from that moment knowing that I was worried that there was something wrong with me. I thing I struggle with that the most because if he really only thought about himself why would he care about that. Then I remember that I will never understand ANYTHING that he did. (ok that might have been a little tmi….sorry if it offends anyone…but it is an area that I go over and over and over in my head…probably one of the hardest things obout our relationship…one of the things I blame myself most about!!!!)
As for the daily goals…thanks for that Ox…I hadn’t done three a day. Mine was to take a shower ever day this week….and to get out of bed within an hour of the alarm going of not hitting snooze for 2-3 hours every morning.
I do have a question for anyone that is willing to chime in. How do yall feel about meds. I’m 5 months out and when the lows hit they are so low. I’ve prayed so many days that I not wake up the next day.. I am so tired…can’t get out of bed…cry…cant workout (I used to run marathons!!!) But then I will be ok for a few days…not great but ok…then I will have a good day where I can really smile and laugh…then I’m back to crying myself to sleep and feeling like I will never love again…just hopeess. My friends all think I need to get on an antidepresant. I’m not a bif fan of medication but if it really helps short term maybe its worth thinking about. What do yall think???
Dear Stolen Innocence,
“About meds”—let me say this. If you were a DIABETIC and were sick because of it, would you say “Oh, I can beat this, I don’t need to take medication, it is just one of those things I have to be STRONG and I’ll beat it”–DUH? Of course NOT!
Just as diabetes is a chemical imbalance in your body, depression and PTSD are chemical imbalances in your brain.
If you are so depressed that you don’t really care if you life or die, are so down—for goodness sakes, GET A PROFESSIONAL MENTAL HEALTH EXAMINATION (not your family doctor–go to a specialist!) GET COUNSELING as well.
There are many different kinds of antidepressant medication and the one right for you may not be right for me, etc. so sometimes it takes a trial or two to see results and they are not like “tranqualizers” like valium or something that knocks you out instantly, it takes time sometimes 4-8 weeks to see if they are working, but that’s okay!
I’ve been on AD since my husband’s death, and had many medication dose changes and now a medication Kind change, but I will stay on them as long as I need to be, and monitor my medication and symptoms along with my health care provider. (a doctor/lawyer who has him/herself for a patient has a fool for a patient)
But therapy is also a good thing IF YOU GET THE RIGHT ONE, and unfortunately not every therapist finished in the top half of their class or knows a psychopath from a bar of soap! So find one that is RIGHT for you!
If you can’t find a therapist get in an Al-anon or other group for support or at a DV shelter, whatever it takes. GET SUPPORT! Get medical help! GET BETTER!!!
The daily goals (even small ones) are sometimes difficult to do…after my husband was killed my son D and I sat for MONTHS just like zombies…the house falling down around us. The ONLY thing we did was to feed the dog daily. We lost weight,, we smoked like chimneys, we went to therapy and outside the house we pretended we were fine but when we came back here and closed the doors, we just MELTED INTO LUMPS. I can’t tell you how many days I went without a bath or a change of clothes.
When you get to the point that you can smell yourself it is past time to care if you take a bath or not. I didn’t care. Yet, if someone came over or I went somewhere I would bathe before they came or I went out, and PRETEND EVERYTHING WAS FINE. Yea’ I’m doing just fine, hunky dorey, great even!” But it was a LIE. I had to pretend that “everything is wonderful”-=–or what would the neighbors think? Well now, I can give a rat’s behind what the neighbors think, but I DO CARE WHAT I think, and I think it is a good idea to take a bath every day and wear clean clothes—not for them, but for ME. And, other things as well….one little goal at a time. Rinse and repeat! (and sometimes my goals slide backwards and I have to go back and start over with a goal, but that’s part of it all too, so don’t get discouraged!)
Like ErinB says GET YOUR ADAMANT UP!!!!
Ox
Thank you!!!
I have been seeing a counselor and she was the first one that mentioned the word sociopath…so I think she gets it. But she also didn’t want me on meds at first….but I don’t think I’ve ever told her how bad it gets somedays. For some reason I always seem to be having an “up” day when I see her.
It is so hard to acknowledge how hurt I am. At 36 I was probably the healthiest and happiest I EVER was before meeting him 2 years ago. I was always the happy, cheerful, smiling, funny, laughing girl. I HATE that someone like him can have affected me so deeply….so much that it affects me physically. How did I love someone so deeply so completely that I let them affect me this way. I would understand it if he had died…but what he did to me is disgusting…its monstrous….and I should be pissed and angry not crushed. I do want to just be strong enough to not need it…I do want to be able to be enough on my own. BUT I hadn’t really thought about the physical changes…chemical imbalances. My skin had broken out (i’ve always had perfect skin , I’m diabetic and my blood sugars are crazy but again my fault I either eat nothing of eat crap…)
So…ok…going to take a bath in the morning…and make an appointment to get whatever help I need to get “that” girl back.
Dearest Oxy, THANK YOU!! so much for your helpful input re PTSD and for NOT beating me up about an incident {the steam iron one},that happened 30 years ago.I didnt in fact realise till recently that it WAS PTSD, but if Viet vets can have trauma lasting about the same time or longer,{not saying they didnt go thru much worse than I did}, then I can start to forgive myself and stop beating MYSELf up about it! Im not sure if my ex H was a P, he was an alcoholic, and a GREAT Dad and husband for the 10 years he was sober, it was a Jeykyll and Hyde thing with him.His Dad was a n alcoholic as well I do know that.The fact that all this carp is surfacing big time 30 years later,is prob. a GOOD thing,like lancinga boil on your butt!!LOL!I am MUCH much better today after all your wonderful support and wise words,and all the other loving helpful guys here on LF. Where would we be without it? I shudder to think.
Unlike your Mum or Wymes Mum, mine never hit, smacked or verbally abused me,so I was lucky, but she was VERY manipulative, narcissistic,and really prevented me getting to know my Dad.Like Whymes Dad, he was quiet, distant, and unemotional,or so I thought.She was very cruel to my 2 brothers, constantly comparing them, to the older ones detriment.She really did a number on him.
The younger one, Billy was very much like the “Sons and Lovers” story by D.H lawrence,{and I suspect that Whymes brother had the same trauma of having to be the “fantasy lover and shining white knight” for Mum instead of her Dad.}Billy was made to be the Aristocrat, and Rob was the “peasant”.Bill was an aristocrat like HER and Rob was the peasant like poor old Dad, {a self made man who made it to Uni from a tiny poor fishing village.” She never let him forget his “working class roots, and the boys were split unfairly like this,one to be like her, and th other, to be like Dad. No wonder they both have problems to this day!Im starting to see thats why Rob was so incredibly rude to me at Mums Funeral and berated me ,and told me off for crying at my own Mums funeral. he does the “hedgehog or prickly porcupine thing, keeps people at bay that he fears may get too emotionally close to him and he cant cope with this.I feel more compassion for him now that Ive worked this out, however he still refuses to communicate with me,18 years after both parents deaths, despite me holding out many olive branches! Kathryn , {a great writer on LF decribes this so weel, the triangulation,and making one person the scapegoat,{in this case me,} who DARES to have icky sticky emotions. They then dump all of their icky stickies onto her/him, and like the proverbial scapegoat, drive her into the wilderness, by saying shes “cracked, loony, mental, cant cope with her,” etc etc.Whyme, I identify so much with you! Like you, I am a trained Portrait painter, have had some of my work exhibited in the RSA in Edinburgh.I went to the same Art College as my Mum, Edinburgh College of Art.
I know its n excuse but ever since my older spath D wrecked my art studio,{twice} and destroyed many of my oil paintings,Ive been unable to paint again. Maybe one day. The other paintings I left behind when I fled for my life, my ex burned in a bonfire in the back yard, along with all my clothes, shoes, bags, etc.I left with no money and virtually the clothes I stood up in, but God has wonderfully taken care of me! I have a wonderful husband nowand lovely “adoptd adult “kids” fromIran, so my life is 1000% better thn it was. However, years and years of misery and traum a take their toll and it takes time to process it all. I need to “cut myself some slack”, as its only 17 months since I found LF. I have learned so much!!Thank you Oxy, and WHyme, we are geting there! Love and {{HUGGS!!} Mama Gem.XXX
Innocence, your counselor I am assuming is not allowed to prescribe medication. I would ask her to refer me to a advance practice nurse in mental health or a psychiatrist for assessment to see if those professionals think you might be given a trial on medication. It might be the help to get you over some of the humps .
STRESS causes a great deal of problems with our bodies…as well as our minds and how the chemicals interact with each other. Our immune system takes a crap, our sugar goes up and down (I have recently been diagnosed with dibetes Type II because I gained 60 pounds since my husband’s dead. 10 pounds a year and cut my exercise and now I am paying the price.
Diabetes is no longer a “stand alone disease ” but part of a triad of metabolic diseases and cardiac problems. SOOOO it behooves us to monitor BS 4 times a day (got my meter tonigh)
Did my first of my 4 x a day BS check, on my restricted calories food plan so will keep it “between the ditches” The blood pressure (part of the “Metaboplic triad is BLOOD pressure, and mine is good without medication. Though for a short whiile it was up, but came back down lower so will moniotor and if it were to come back up high I will immediately start back on the medications.
Fortunately automatic blood sugar meters and blood pressure meters are cheap and easy now so monitoring our figures at home gives us a good way to see what is causing lows or highs
I am keeping a food diary so I can see what is pushing it up and what is not.
I’m going to a rodeo tomorror night with my son D and one of his friends and some other friends of mine, should be a great fun evening! I may have a snow cone or an ice cream cone even! A little reward every now and then doesn’t v hurt a thing.
Dear Gem, We posted over each other. I am doing the “doctor trot” now with first this littletest then that and then that but getting through this and finding out I am really ok is what I expect to happen. But I do have to monitor my blood sugar–it is “normal” now that I am on the “starvation” eating program LOL but want to keep it that way
Well, beddie by time here—goiing to a rodeo tomorrow night to see our friend ride! Cheer her on, she fighting breast cancer and shge looks really cool in her do -rag and cowboy hat.
Hi guys….
Well….i’m officially 43!
My kids pawned off a ‘surprise’ party for me on my gf…..so I’m helping her plan my surprise party? Hmmmmmm.
Kids have been very secretive this past week…..and today said they came to me and confided they were very overwhelmed with ‘planning’.
I asked them what they have done…..they said the date and the place……but couldn’t get on my computer to spy up my friends contacts, but called a few friends of mine.
I said…..well, we should probably confirm things since it’s SATURDAY!
Tomorrow……actually now….today-my B-day, they have a beautiful catamaran lunch trip planned in the afternoon on the lake….
AND the best gift of all…….JR registered himself back in HS today!
I was in tears…..although I’m cautiously optimistic…….
It is ALL his choice. He’s out of money, his job ended last weekend and he said he feels stagnant. He said the hardest part is getting past his pride. I assured him…..it’s easier getting past his pride now…..THAN in 5-10-20 years….
He’s only got about 6 months of school left and he can put it behind him!
I’m letting him do it all……NOT going to get involved! Just invite me to the graduation please!
This has to be him…..ALL HIM! Been the other route.
So….for now, I am proud! I’m proud he chose this, and did it on his own…..
What a wonderful Birthday gift to mom!