When is history predictive of future behavior? Who can change? Who will change? Can sociopaths change? What is meaningful versus unmeaningful change?
I would argue that history is most predictive of future behavior when the mindset of the individual—especially the motivational mindset of the individual—remains static. By this I mean that short of a radicalized mindset, one can assume that the individual’s historical behaviors and attitudes will not change, at least not meaningfully.
So motivation goes directly to the question who is likely, or unlikely, to make changes in historical behavior patterns. One must ask, what is the individual’s motivation to change previous behavior?
This isn’t always easy to answer for several reasons—one, we can disguise our motives; also, we can want to believe that someone’s stated motive is their true motive, when it isn’t (sometimes against our better judgement). Plus, as change-intenders, we can also deceive ourselves about our own motives, further complicating the task of ascertaining the true motive(s) behind an intended change.
In the case of the sociopath, we can be quite sure of this: His motives will be self-serving (which alone isn’t necessarily a fatal problem). What makes the problem “fatal” is that the sociopath’s motives will be exclusively self-serving. Sure, he may be motivated to please you, but it will be, exclusively, to benefit himself (from his pleasing you).
This means the sociopath won’t be looking genuinely to benefit you with his change, but rather, principally (if not entirely) himself.
And so sociopaths, if motivated enough, can make changes. But one can’t stress enough that their motives to change will be shallow. Now it may not look like this on the surface—that is, a slick sociopath can seem to want to change with convincing, genuine intent. But eventually, often much too late for his partner, the underlying, dominating self-centeredness of his agenda will surface.
This is a fancy way of reminding ourselves that the sociopath is manifestly out for himself; thus any changes he endeavors will be pursued with the aim to protect and advance his interests, his gratifications; not yours.
Let’s consider the case of the abusive personality—more specifically, someone with a significant history as a serial emotional, if not physical, abuser. Can this individual change? And, if so, under what circumstances?
If he’s a sociopath, we have our answer—no. The sociopathic abuser is a flat-out hopeless case; he will never stop his abuse in a permanent, reliable way. The reason why is that he’s lacking an essential motivation: to want, genuinely, to cease his role as a cause of his partner’s suffering.
In the sociopath’s case, he lacks this motivation permanently because, basically, he lacks love and empathy for his partner. This is the sociopath’s essential defect—his incapacity to love and empathize maturely. He is primitively, functionally deficient in this respect. Consequently, he has no intrinsic incentives to sacrifice himself meaningfully (including to make meaningful changes), especially in the long-term, for others.
Can the sociopath cease his abuse temporarily? Yes, if the short-term incentives are strong enough. The sociopathic abuser can sometimes suspend his abuse just long enough to recapture what he wants (like renewed sexual attentions), or just long enough to avoid losing what he’s unprepared to lose (like a doting partner who makes his life convenient in many ways).
But bear in mind the shelf-life for his changes will be temporary; also, i think it bears repeating, these changes will be driven to improve his, not your, sense of security and comfort.
Conversely, where you have an abusive individual who is capable of feeling love and empathy for his partner, it is possible that he may reach a point of recognition that he no longer wants to be a cause, through his abuse, of his partner’s suffering. This is where the kernel of hope lies and where the work begins–from the recognition that one can no longer justify, or rationalize, being a source of suffering to another. However this requires a capacity to empathize; and where one feels love, as well as empathy, for one’s victims, then one has a chance to begin to work through one’s abusiveness.
Unfortunately chronic abusiveness is often associated with, and supported by, a highly narcissistic mindset, in which capacities for mature love and empathy are limited. This explains why it is often very difficult to treat successfully chronic relationship abusers.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
one_step, Having a “pissed off face” I call it my “don’t eff with me” face is great in your thirties too! I love the return look or downturned eyes as if to say “I don’t what to tango with that beotch!”
Aeylah, they must have a “sociopath script”–xpath said almost the say thing to me. “I’ll give you a divorce because I want what is best for you.” Okay. I’m good with that, of course nothing is easy as said and done with these personalities. Thanks to Hens for pointing out this is “GASLIGHTING at its brightest.” Sometimes I have trouble seeing all the ways in which I have been manipulated…glad to be here. Thanks for sharing all.
fearlesspeace – 😉 i could muster it well even in my late 20’s (lesbian feminist – gave me lots to defend), but i am pretty sure i look like i have a bat behind my back now.
i don’t.
it’s at home.
and it’s a crow bar.
😉
fearlesspeace – omg, all the ways i have been manipulated! that’s where the ‘face’ comes from. grrrrrrrrr.
Dear Ayelah,
As you speak of your N father, if that is “love” I don’t want any! Even my egg donor has done “nice” things for me at times, and given me things, but that is NOT LOVE in my estimation, but is a “down payment on control.” Because, when I don’t do something she wants me to she reminds me of “all I have done for you!”
Well, it is funny that anything she does for me is written in blood on stone, but anything I ever did for her is written in sand on the beach. Funny how that goes with Ns and Ps—
I am not emotionally willing to tolerate the contact with those people that I have PREVIOUSLY TRUSTED AND LOVED who have betrayed and abused me, so it is NC except for the possible exception of e mails for business purposes, but even then, ONLY WHEN NECESSARY.
It is much easier on me and takes less energy to just NC with those people and to not delude myself that what THEY call “love” is what I CALL LOVE. Love is CONSISTENT, love is KIND, love is CARING, EMPATHETIC—how would it even be possible to love if one were not empathetic or caring about that person’s feelings and welfare? So to me, their definition of “love without empathy” or “love without caring” and LOVE WITHOUT COMPASSION, is pretty hollow and empty.
I always ASSUMED that my egg donor “loved me”—but during the height of the chaos and crisis when I was desperately trying to “save” her from the psychopaths that were abusing her and me, and I was terrified they would kill HER as well as myself. I was weeping uncontrollably and BEGGING her to believe me. She looked at me, as I was there POURING OUT MY SOUL AND LOVE TO AND FOR HER, with UTTER CONTEMPT. That was an AH HA moment when I knew that she DID NOT, COULD NOT love me.
I’m not even sure she is what Bob Hare would call a psychopath, she isn’t a law breaker, she has led a fairly “normal” life by terms of society, but she is way low on the empathy scale, and she has NO empathy or love for me, only contempt and desiring control.
It was ONLY when I realized that there was no REAL love there that I could start to solve the mystery of why I was so miserable in my relationship with her. Why it hurt to be around her. Once I realized that I had been operating under the DELUSION that she loved me and that she would NEVER DELIBERATELY HURT ME, then I could start to work things out and heal.
When we believe UNtrue things, it warps things in reality and we end up gaslighting ourselves.
Aeyiah,
I echo what fearlesspeace says about s-script. (Didn’t ErinBrock call it S-speak?)
My husband told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he treasures all the memories of how wonderful I made his life. I got snippy and told him, “Why don’t you tell HER that when you are F’n her”.” Liar. Just a way to twist the knife as if dissing is actually honorable…
OxDrover
So sad your egg doner could not love you. I use your posts to magine you as a little girl. My stars, I would have loved to have you as my child. YOu have a remarkable way that you express your perceptions. These people really do miss out on incredible relationships. To not “FEEL” the love of a partner or a child or a parent? Your egg donor missed the greatest thing that ever happened in her life.
(I only had one kid, an absolutely enchanting intelligent funny witty beautiful little girl, and it was rough for a while, but now that spath is out of our lives, she is becoming wonderful again. I got sooooo lucky.)
Dear Katy,
Thank you! I have no doubt that I was a hand full to raise! I wasn’t totally without love or care though, so my childhood wasn’t totally horrible! My step father was a wonderful guy and my grandparents in spite of their faults were supportive and loving to me when I was a kid! I will always remember those times and that special care.
I’m glad that you and your daughter are restoring a wonderful relationship! In the end, our children should become our best friends!
Hey all
I took a few days to try and process some of this and read many of the articles and comments here. I still struggle with accepting that he could REALLY be one of “them.”
I see everything that fits…I see how his actions in the end line up…I see the lies now…but I still want to believe in his heart…I still want to believe that he didn’t do it on purpose…that he isn’t that evil…just messed up. Actually I don’t want to believe that…I’d rather believe he is a MONSTER…that makes me feel fortunate to have gotten away….but my heart is still ruling my head. My heart still wants to believ he is capable of the love he showed..and that hurts the most because if he is capable of it then what was so wrong with me that he chose to walk away from the great thing that I thought we had…the amazing love he said that we shared.
So here are a few questions…what about my story…about what I’ve told you makes you believe that he falls into one of the categories?? I guess I’m trying to get out of the denial stage…I want to hear from others that aren’t biased that what he did isn’t just poor choices..he didn’t “just cheat”…that there is more to it and its not just me making everything “worst case scenario.”
Can someone tell me more about gaslighting. I’ve looked it up but am wondering if they can do that without intentionally trying to drive you crazy. I don’t think he wanted to make me crazy in the “put her in a padded cell” way…but can they use gaslighting just to defer the blame…to make me question my part/my motives. I really don’t think he hates like that. Is it possible that he could use and manipulate to further himself…without any intentional/calculated plan to hurt. In otherwords…maybe it wasnt I am going to do these things to hurt you but I am gaoing to do what I need to do for me…not even thinking that other people are being torn apart in the process…I guess I see him as completely unaware of others and how he affects them v sitting around intentionally planning out how to hurt them. Or….am I still just projecting my values and feeling onto him??
Let me give an example of something he did that makes me think he actually has true feelings/ability to think of someone else. When I found out he had given me HPV (yes I know I am blessed that is all it was) I told him so that he would be aware of it. He told “her” that same day. Why would he have told her that if he was totally unable to think of anyone else..I can see no benefit to him by sharing that. But…it seems like a very upstanding and honorable thing to do….but not something that makes him look good…It makes me think he has to really feel something for her…and if he can really feel for her then why didn’t he really feel for me???
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh….soooooooooo much running through my head….so much I still want to understand and figure out!!! Sooooo trying not to have a pity party!!!!
Katy- funny…he told me almost the same thing….best thing that ever happened to him…can’t believe he hurt someone so beautiful and pure as me…it wasnt me it was him that was messed up….I was his best friend and he will remember that until his dying day….too bad he didn’t remember that when he was shackin up in vegas with her!!!
I hate that I still question so much…yall probably all want to shake me a little so that I will just accept it and get on with it. But I can’t help but to want to figure it out…figure him out!!
Hope you all have a blessed Sunday!!!
Sorry…I posted that on the wrong thread!!!
Dear Aeylah,
Your policy of “minimum contact” with your father seems like the right thing. However, if you’ll forgive a few blunt words regarding your ex Spath, he sounds to me like a thoroughly loathsome human being! Really, Aeylah, his shallow, convoluted and self-absorbed way of manipulating language is quite nauseating. Trust me, there is absolutely NOTHING worth preserving in a relationship with such an individual. (By the way, does “ED” refer to “erectile dysfucntion” or “empathy deficient”? – sounds to me like both at once!) At any rate, to even engage with such a person on any level will only lead to falsehood and suffering. He says he’s “letting you go” – hopefully that’s the case; but such people often try to get back in contact after a span of months or years (it’s part of their “game”). Hopefully you will be spared this, but if it does happen you need to be especially ruthless in your “No Contact” policy. Because with the passage of time, it’s easy to forget just how toxic, evil and soulless the person actually was. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck.
In general terms, I think there is a way of looking at Sociopathic Betrayal in which it becomes a profound opportunity for spriritual growth. In this respect, I’ve always been drawn to the psychologist William James’ notion of the “once born” and “the twice born.” For James, the “once born” are basically the people who take the world as it is, don’t really question things, and pretty much “go with the flow”. As a rule, they haven’t seen much in the way of hard knocks, and consequently, have but little self-knowledge and spiritual development. Of course, we all more or less start out like this (it’s the garden of innocence, childhood, etc., that we so long for once it is finally taken from us!); however, some people seem never really leave this stage, and simply view the world and themselves throughout life with naive, rose-colored glasses. Of course, on one level, we envy such people for their simple happiness, and for the way in which they always seem to be on good and easy terms with the world.
Neverthless, for some of us, life comes along – often violently – and takes us out of that “once born” Garden of Eden (at which point, alas, there is no going back!). And there are many ways in which this can happen, but most often it comes through blows and the experience of great suffering. For one person, it might be something like the death of a spouse, losing a child or loved one to disease or accident, facing a debilitating illness, etc. (In other words, the kind of grief that “undoes you” at the center.) And for many of us, of course, the devastating reality of sociopathic betrayal.
In truth, betrayal by a loved one (who we will assume is a sociopath) – such as a wife, husband, mother, father, son, friend, etc. – is in my opinion about as heartrending an experience as it is humanly possible to have. It breaks one down like nothing else, and in many ways it is actually worse than death. Because unlike death, sociopahtic betrayal actually destroys our entire set of beliefs about human beings, life, the world – in fact, Reality itself. To get that kind of grief out of one’s system takes many, many years, and it is perhaps never expunged altogether. However, from my own experience, I have found that there is something profound and unique that comes from HAVING LIVED THROUGH THAT AND SURVIVED. In fact, it’s sort of amazing that one doesn’t physically die from it – because it certainly kills everything else.
However, that’s where we get to the real heart of the matter – the amazing spiritual healing that comes from becoming “twice born.” Admittedly, there are always times when we pine for the return to our lost innocence. (A common and justified lament of the betrayed is often “He stole my innocence!”) However, by focusing too much on what is lost, we run the risk of forgetting what has been gained. Aside from an vast increase in real knowledge of the world, of good and evil (especially the latter!), and of human nature, I think there is something invaluable in having been broken down like that and survived. Because that’s the point at which we find our “second birth”. (I would add, also, that the mere fact of “surviving” gives us a sense of strength and unity that most people can’t even begin to comprehend.) And though it is different from the period of naive, unthinking innocence, I believe it is the first point at which we become truly human and see things in a genuinely spiritual way. (The first time we really “see” at all, it might almost be said.) As such, I can’t think of a greater gift that I was less grateful for at the time of the giving! But in retrospect, I now feel that I wouldn’t trade it for anything, and I think it was the greatest grace that God has ever shown me.
Another way of putting it, I suppose, is that while sociopaths never change, they most certainly change us. And while THEY deserve no thanks for it, I think God uses their evil to make us more fully human, and to bring us closer to Him. (Of course, one needn’t express it in religious terms – but I think the reality is the same even from a non-theistic standpoint.) And what, after all, is the meaning of being born, living and dying, if not that? In any case, it’s a way of looking at it, but one which I have found to be justified by time and experience.
Really really beautifully put, Constantine! As the singer Leonard Cohen sings,
“Its through the crack in the Heart that the Light comes in.”
Love,
Gem.
We are stronger in the broken places.