Last week, I experienced a bit of disappointment over an outsider’s judgment. Several years ago, I came to terms with the fact that some people will understand what we have been through, and others simply will not. I brought myself to the place where I didn’t really care what anyone else felt or thought about my situation. I forgave myself for choosing dysfunction and worked through the host of other issues associated with that choice. Then, I moved forward.
Part of my momentum had to do with the fact that I chose to take other’s beliefs and thoughts out of the equation. There is a fairly accurate saying about opinions, what they are like, and how everyone has one. So I came to realize that as long as I clung to what those who were not “in the know” might think, I could not do what was necessary to thrive. However, because we do not operate in a vacuum, from time to time, regardless of our resolve, the opinions or judgments of others may influence our feelings.
Ultimately, I suppose, whether or not we allow another person to make us feel bad is our choice, but the truth is that there will probably be moments, when perhaps we feel vulnerable or exposed, that another’s words or actions may simply leave us feeling lousy. When negative feelings strike, they may hit hard because what we encountered was so personal. Naturally, we have all encountered judgment at one time or another, but there is something about this that is different to me. We may find the closed minded, often ridiculous, opinions of others highly offensive.
What just happened?
For some reason, my recent brush with judgment got the best of me. For a few days after the occurrence, I felt as though I was functioning on automatic pilot, doing what had to be done, but still stunned, almost like a little bird who resumes flying after hitting a glass window. The incident began innocently enough, I think, with a quick question regarding something I had written about psychopathy. As I answered, I felt as though I was viewed as being “flawed” for allowing myself to have had such an experience.
Were my feelings accurate? Who knows for certain. Perhaps they were. Maybe they were not. However, I am able to interpret what is happening around me appropriately, so I say they were. Initially, I was disappointed in the individual for being unenlightened. I was also unhappy with myself for allowing someone’s ignorance on the subject to influence me. Either way, I walked away from the interaction feeling unhappy and a little frustrated.
Within a few days, I brought myself back around to the “good place.” I reminded myself that we are all different and that not everyone is able to understand psychopathy as we would like. I thought back to my earlier days, prior to my experience with an individual with psychopathic traits. Would I have passed judgment if I heard only bits and pieces of a story like mine? Unfortunately, I may have. Why is that? Well, I am positive that my imagination could not have conjured up the facts that became my reality. It’s not something most can relate to.
Creating good from bad
The more I thought about this, the more I realized that my feelings were probably not unique. I figured that if I occasionally struggle with such feelings, others may, as well. As a result, I created a short list of ways that can help remedy such feelings when they arise, or even prevent them from occurring.
Be kind to yourself. Make every effort not to engage in negative thoughts.
Do something nice for yourself. Promote wellness by doing things that make you feel good or that you enjoy.
Talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Try not isolate yourself, but talk to those who understand.
Simply expect to encounter some individuals, from time to time, who believe that your involvement was your choice, thus your fault. Some cannot comprehend the degree to which these individuals lie, con, and manipulate.
Accept that there will be some individuals who will not ever understand your position. Protect yourself from their views.
Try to learn something valuable from the experience. Determine what you learned and create a plan for future situations. If you walk away from a negative with a positive, then the encounter was not all bad.
Try not to dwell. Allow yourself to feel, but then release the negative feelings.
Hopefully, these help.
Linda, AWESOME article and it (as usual) comes at a very opportune time.
I very much appreciate the points that you make, especially “Accept that there will be some individuals who will not ever understand your position.” Protection from THEIR views is vital, and it’s not simply a matter of “not caring what anybody else thinks about (me).” For me, personally, it’s a matter of maintaining my boundaries with everyone, across the board. I keep my mouth shut about my experiences, now, EVEN with close friends who seemed to “understand” my situation and experiences. They’ve become weary of my personal issues, so I keep my “feelings” out of most discussions.
Now, this doesn’t mean that people still don’t say things that are cutting and intrusive, “Well, how come you didn’t DO something about the frauds?” Those remarks are spoken in total, utter ignorance of the Law and legal consequences. I could certainly have sued the exspath in a Civil suit, but he simply would bankrupt himself, AND the judgement. So, what good would that accomplish in the long run?
I feel that your suggestions are 100% spot-on, and I appreciate your sharing this recent experience. What this article says to me is that I will be “in recovery” for the rest of my life, and there will come those times and events that trigger me to re-act – I need to accept this with some dignity and your suggestions will be a substantial assist when those situations and events occur.
Many thanks and brightest blessings
Linda, I agree with Truthy, AWESOME article and one that I think everyone can relate to. It came at a particularly good time for me as recently when I was asking friends and family to write letters of protest for Patrick’s parole, people I had considered CLOSE friends and FULLY BELIEVED they understood my problems and what I had been through, and that my literal life may be on the line refused to be bothered. I was crushed and when it happened more than once I was literally hurled back to the “summer of chaos”
I’m climbing out of the abyss now and doing the things I know to do to take care of myself (all the things you suggested) but I am still feeling the ill effects of the adrenaline surge and the grief, yet again, of people not “understanding” and especially when you EXPECTED them to, when you THOUGHT they DID understand.
In the end though, we must validate our on knowledge and not allow the opinions and judgments of others to put us into the spin cycle. Thanks for a great article.
For me, WHO the person is, is what matters the most. I don’t share my story with everyone, except on a need to know basis.
So when someone that means a lot to me, judges me, it can throw me into a tailspin.
Most of the time, though, I really don’t care what others think. And I am a judgmental person myself, so I have to watch that. I will say this: the next time you are in a conversation and talking about someone, notice that you are only discussing the person for about two minutes. Then the conversation will naturally move on to someone or something else. You will be astounded!
My decision for myself, I am NOT going to live my life or worry about anyone else talking about me or judging me, for two little minutes! I can’t control what they think or say about me anyway. Life is too short.
Recovery, everyone!
Newlife43, I STILL find myself in “defense-mode” in that I’m compelled to EXPLAIN myself. A recent example was when a long-trusted friend said, “Why haven’t you done anything about your weight?” This was on the heels of my expressing my anxiety and fear about the upcoming trial, and it caught me way off-guard, and I didn’t know how to respond other than, “Well, I’ve dropped a whole shit-ton, already. I’m working on it.” What I SHOULD have said was, “Really, I don’t believe that’s open for discussion.”
What drives these types of responses? Fear of rejection, abandonment, or disapproval? Why can’t I set the BOUNDARY of what is, and is not, appropriate or acceptable for me? It’s not that my friend asked an inappropriate question – people do that all of the time. It’s how I responded to it that matters.
So, I’m obligating myself to setting boundaries. No – that topic is NOT open for discussion, and that’s it. If someone wants to judge me, that’s their choice. But, I don’t have to ALLOW judgement, and I’m doing some serious work on this. Additionally, unless someone presents repeatedly inappropriate behaviors, I must avoid judging THEM, too.
Brightest blessings
It’s great that you posted thus because I have been through it and recently. The way I dealt with it was asking those that loved and cared about me to read Donna’s book, Lovefraud the 10 Signs of Dating a Sociopath. This would allow them to truely understand how we got sucked in and why it is not so easy to get over quickly. One of them us reading it now and really is starting to understand what I went through so they are not passing judgement on me anymore. They really understand how a sociopath enters the life if an innocent good person, destroys them, and leaves to find their next victim because they are done with you. The person reading the book said wow he was like a casebook study exactly what the book describes fit him exactly. It is scary to think that this sociopath never read a book on how to be a sociopath yet is a poster for what a sociopath is naturally.
Meljrocks, you know, you’ve offered a phenomenal suggestion with regard to Donna’s book. When we are “speaking” about our experiences with other people, it’s often “heard” as someone who is bitter, vengeful, or obsessed. Seeing our experiences IN PRINT via Donna’s work puts them into perspective as being “valid” to people that don’t yet “get it” about spath experiences.
Excellent suggestion!
Brightest blessings
Truthy, your post above about flipping into defense mode, and feeling compelled to explain…..I think what your friend said was not only highly inappopriate, but also a power play. She was vying for dominance and she reached into her bag of tricks and pulled out something she knew you felt defensive about. She took you off guard, and cloaked it in concern……
To me, it’s not so much about erecting a boundry around a vulnerability, but healing the vulnerability…..empowering it, loving it, accepting it, or, if need be, changing it. If you hadn’t been touchy about the issue, you would have hardly noticed what she said, and you wouldn’t have had to build a boundry around it.
I know, all this sucks. It really does. And it is so scarey and hard. But, it’s so worth it, in the end. It really is “learning about ourselves” isn’t it?
Kim, for me, this has been the “wonderous” aspect of all of the spaths experience: yes, “they” did things that were reprehesible. But, it’s not so much about what “they” did, anymore. It’s all about learning about myself: why, and HOW, I presented such a perfect target.
Yeah, I get it about the weight remark, and it was uncharacteristic of her – she NEVER made any reference to my weight, before, and I guess she got a loose tongue after a few glasses of wine. And, she’s never referenced it, since, either.
Thanks for the insight!
Brightest blessings
I don’t know why it effected me, in such a powerful way, but at one point someone said (or I read) “What other’s think of you is none of your business”.
It was an aha moment for me. It sort of said to me that what they thought of me was, of course, their business and not mine. But why?
Well, it said to me that someone elses opinion about my life, when they were NOT ME, could not truly fathom what I had gone through, made their opinion about their ‘perception’ of me and my experience, and not really about me at all. So, I couldn’t invest too much feeling about those opinions.
When I told my therapist about this she said absolutely. If I felt wounded, scared, misunderstood, etc..about someones thoughts about me and my situation, then that was a perfect time to remember that what they think of me is none of my business. And that what I think of ME is really THE most important piece of work to focus on.
She felt it was a reminder that each of us, no matter how badly we want to feel a part of a community that is safe, and family that perfectly understands, we are ALONE in our journey. And she went on to say even people mirroring our thoughts about ourselves needs to be put into perspective, so that we can continue to grow, and not get stuck in other’s need for us to be who they think we are.
Wow! When I read what I just wrote it doesn’t come through very clearly.
But this has helped me let go of lots opinions about my life, and become more of the primary agent in my life.
Slim
Slimone, yeah it DID come across quite clearly!!!
I can’t control what someone else thinks about me. Plain and simple. I CAN control what I think of myself, and I don’t have to base my self-perceptions on what someone else thinks. Convoluted, to be sure, but it makes sense.
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: I seriously appreciate when other readers post their own therapists’ insights. No one person has all of the answers, and we can never learn enough from one perspective, even if it is a professional perspective.