Last week, I experienced a bit of disappointment over an outsider’s judgment. Several years ago, I came to terms with the fact that some people will understand what we have been through, and others simply will not. I brought myself to the place where I didn’t really care what anyone else felt or thought about my situation. I forgave myself for choosing dysfunction and worked through the host of other issues associated with that choice. Then, I moved forward.
Part of my momentum had to do with the fact that I chose to take other’s beliefs and thoughts out of the equation. There is a fairly accurate saying about opinions, what they are like, and how everyone has one. So I came to realize that as long as I clung to what those who were not “in the know” might think, I could not do what was necessary to thrive. However, because we do not operate in a vacuum, from time to time, regardless of our resolve, the opinions or judgments of others may influence our feelings.
Ultimately, I suppose, whether or not we allow another person to make us feel bad is our choice, but the truth is that there will probably be moments, when perhaps we feel vulnerable or exposed, that another’s words or actions may simply leave us feeling lousy. When negative feelings strike, they may hit hard because what we encountered was so personal. Naturally, we have all encountered judgment at one time or another, but there is something about this that is different to me. We may find the closed minded, often ridiculous, opinions of others highly offensive.
What just happened?
For some reason, my recent brush with judgment got the best of me. For a few days after the occurrence, I felt as though I was functioning on automatic pilot, doing what had to be done, but still stunned, almost like a little bird who resumes flying after hitting a glass window. The incident began innocently enough, I think, with a quick question regarding something I had written about psychopathy. As I answered, I felt as though I was viewed as being “flawed” for allowing myself to have had such an experience.
Were my feelings accurate? Who knows for certain. Perhaps they were. Maybe they were not. However, I am able to interpret what is happening around me appropriately, so I say they were. Initially, I was disappointed in the individual for being unenlightened. I was also unhappy with myself for allowing someone’s ignorance on the subject to influence me. Either way, I walked away from the interaction feeling unhappy and a little frustrated.
Within a few days, I brought myself back around to the “good place.” I reminded myself that we are all different and that not everyone is able to understand psychopathy as we would like. I thought back to my earlier days, prior to my experience with an individual with psychopathic traits. Would I have passed judgment if I heard only bits and pieces of a story like mine? Unfortunately, I may have. Why is that? Well, I am positive that my imagination could not have conjured up the facts that became my reality. It’s not something most can relate to.
Creating good from bad
The more I thought about this, the more I realized that my feelings were probably not unique. I figured that if I occasionally struggle with such feelings, others may, as well. As a result, I created a short list of ways that can help remedy such feelings when they arise, or even prevent them from occurring.
Be kind to yourself. Make every effort not to engage in negative thoughts.
Do something nice for yourself. Promote wellness by doing things that make you feel good or that you enjoy.
Talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Try not isolate yourself, but talk to those who understand.
Simply expect to encounter some individuals, from time to time, who believe that your involvement was your choice, thus your fault. Some cannot comprehend the degree to which these individuals lie, con, and manipulate.
Accept that there will be some individuals who will not ever understand your position. Protect yourself from their views.
Try to learn something valuable from the experience. Determine what you learned and create a plan for future situations. If you walk away from a negative with a positive, then the encounter was not all bad.
Try not to dwell. Allow yourself to feel, but then release the negative feelings.
Hopefully, these help.
Ah, well, when I feel a blog doesn’t (in general) show respect, I “vote with my fingers” –I leave it. Sorry you feel disrespected here.
raggedy
if one of your employers has done something to you that could get them arrested and you have not already done something about it, it may be to late or it may bite you in the butt…if this person is a spath, be careful because they can be relentless when it come’s to revenge. and also be careful what you say to whomever because whomever may not be your friend.
MD, thanks for the reminders. It’s years too late for sure for arrest. That window was probably one week, although cops were definitely involved. I ultimately sheltered the person. Very very messy story. And you are right: I don’t know how probable it would be if I acted with this society, but experiencing revenge of various kinds would be a risk. And the question of whether my primary drive is wanting to serve my own cold revenge to that person is another reason to forget it. I would be undoing what I had chosen years earlier to try to do: save this human being and give him his chance to become a more civilized citizen/member of society/human being with a job and health insurance. I may have accomplished that, or I may have failed to recognize my opportunity or even obligation to shorten the lifespan of a sociopath. And I was with him while already reading here! He did not match many of the standard attributes or patterns discussed here. I will probably never know if he might have left less damage if not for a more classically cold and amoral father directing/emboldening him. Much of the apparent goodness in him imo was real, including to me.
Situation is NC now except for occasional information that mostly floats in precisely via people who *don’t* know the story and just mention news.
RaggedyAnn? I haven’t read all your posts but thought I read one where you revealed being diagnosed NPD. Am I wrong?
Yes. By one clinician. Carried that label into my hospitalization, and it lingered as I did follow up there. Psychotherapist BF thought i had elements of it, but he resented me so much for my lack of infatuation with him that I think that very much colored his perception. Since then mental health people have dismissed the NPD altogether. I showed elements of borderline in some long quiz test for a study, but not the actual thing. It was expected, though, because it’s more common among people abused as kids.
all I have now officially as a Dx is the classic BP II. That’s been it for many years. Some of the clinicians since the NPD insist that it was simply wrong.
I am curious. Do you ask because my account in this thread reads as NPD??? I’m definitely not seen that way on the job, and wasn’t by the now NC guy.
does your account in this thread as NPD? I did not know that. I just remembered your post and thought how hard it would be for you to consider other people. I had the thought that if you were NPD, it might go a long ways to explain your dilemma here.
It’s my opinion that when i accepted myself, i had to also accept the stuff that came with it. For instance, I am a sentimental person. I have family members who are not. So, I can’t get upset at them for giving me unsentimental birthday presents and I can’t look to them for empathy either. But I can look to them for social activities. By knowing myself, I can set reasonable expectations, or at least try b/c I confess I am still working on my blind spots.
Just my observation that perhaps you should give yourself some grace. You are clearly highly intelligent but you have your own blind spot. I think it might be easier to identify a blind spot when someone is as intelligent as you are. I think when we know ourselves, then it follows that we know what we connect/disconnect with.
Sorry, I edited my post before your post appeared, because that sentence/question of mine that you repeated made no sense as i’d written it (merged “thread” and “reads”). Can you explain the connection to NPD and my dilemma?
I’m not following at all.
Thank you for the compliment.
Hi everyone 🙂
Hope everyone is well! I wanted to ask you all if you guys had any good book recommendations along the lines of dealing with toxic people. Thanks
Oh wait, KatyDid, my dilemma means my situation on this forum?
Dear Dancing nancies, welll HELLO STRANGER! Good to “see” you.
My book recommendations are first off Red Flags of Love Fraud if you haven’t read it already.
Of course: Without Conscience, The Psychoopath next door, Betrayal Bond, and The Gift of Fear….pretty much in that order. You can search on LF for Book Reviews and see some reviews of lots of great books here depending on what your choice is.