Last week, I experienced a bit of disappointment over an outsider’s judgment. Several years ago, I came to terms with the fact that some people will understand what we have been through, and others simply will not. I brought myself to the place where I didn’t really care what anyone else felt or thought about my situation. I forgave myself for choosing dysfunction and worked through the host of other issues associated with that choice. Then, I moved forward.
Part of my momentum had to do with the fact that I chose to take other’s beliefs and thoughts out of the equation. There is a fairly accurate saying about opinions, what they are like, and how everyone has one. So I came to realize that as long as I clung to what those who were not “in the know” might think, I could not do what was necessary to thrive. However, because we do not operate in a vacuum, from time to time, regardless of our resolve, the opinions or judgments of others may influence our feelings.
Ultimately, I suppose, whether or not we allow another person to make us feel bad is our choice, but the truth is that there will probably be moments, when perhaps we feel vulnerable or exposed, that another’s words or actions may simply leave us feeling lousy. When negative feelings strike, they may hit hard because what we encountered was so personal. Naturally, we have all encountered judgment at one time or another, but there is something about this that is different to me. We may find the closed minded, often ridiculous, opinions of others highly offensive.
What just happened?
For some reason, my recent brush with judgment got the best of me. For a few days after the occurrence, I felt as though I was functioning on automatic pilot, doing what had to be done, but still stunned, almost like a little bird who resumes flying after hitting a glass window. The incident began innocently enough, I think, with a quick question regarding something I had written about psychopathy. As I answered, I felt as though I was viewed as being “flawed” for allowing myself to have had such an experience.
Were my feelings accurate? Who knows for certain. Perhaps they were. Maybe they were not. However, I am able to interpret what is happening around me appropriately, so I say they were. Initially, I was disappointed in the individual for being unenlightened. I was also unhappy with myself for allowing someone’s ignorance on the subject to influence me. Either way, I walked away from the interaction feeling unhappy and a little frustrated.
Within a few days, I brought myself back around to the “good place.” I reminded myself that we are all different and that not everyone is able to understand psychopathy as we would like. I thought back to my earlier days, prior to my experience with an individual with psychopathic traits. Would I have passed judgment if I heard only bits and pieces of a story like mine? Unfortunately, I may have. Why is that? Well, I am positive that my imagination could not have conjured up the facts that became my reality. It’s not something most can relate to.
Creating good from bad
The more I thought about this, the more I realized that my feelings were probably not unique. I figured that if I occasionally struggle with such feelings, others may, as well. As a result, I created a short list of ways that can help remedy such feelings when they arise, or even prevent them from occurring.
Be kind to yourself. Make every effort not to engage in negative thoughts.
Do something nice for yourself. Promote wellness by doing things that make you feel good or that you enjoy.
Talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Try not isolate yourself, but talk to those who understand.
Simply expect to encounter some individuals, from time to time, who believe that your involvement was your choice, thus your fault. Some cannot comprehend the degree to which these individuals lie, con, and manipulate.
Accept that there will be some individuals who will not ever understand your position. Protect yourself from their views.
Try to learn something valuable from the experience. Determine what you learned and create a plan for future situations. If you walk away from a negative with a positive, then the encounter was not all bad.
Try not to dwell. Allow yourself to feel, but then release the negative feelings.
Hopefully, these help.
kim:
Wow, that is powerful. I never had/have dreams like that. I wish I did…
Later, when I was so devistated by trying to wrap my head around what spath had done, a therapist asked me what ny water was like now…..I said it was very cold, it was crystal clear, it was rushing….over rocks….with whote caps, like a river in the mountains would, and, I said, it had a lavender tint.
Purple is the color of healing. It is also the color of a lot of tidy bowl disinfectants……didn’t know it at the time. 🙂
Kim,
oh you meant “my water” not New York water.
lol!
That’s cool. Purple water. I love the symbolism. Maybe we should build some nice feng shui fountains and have purple water in them? Would be nice.
couldn’t hurt.
Yeah, Sky, I’m slurring my type. ;0
“KatyDid says:
RaggedyAnne
I observe that many have blind spots about ourselves. I assume I have one too. Logically, the best way I can uncover my blindspot is if someone else discloses it to me. Therefore when I see someone struggle with their blind spot, I want to help them see it, just as I would hope they would reciprocate for me. But since it does not apply, I have wasted your time.
I think NPD are VERY sensitive to slights against themselves. That’s their blind spot b/c they are limited in being aware when they perpetrate those same slights against others.
However I still think you have higher expectations from others than they can or are willing to offer you. Perhaps what you seek is not the purpose of this blog and that’s why the disconnect in meeting your needs?”
KatyDid, I didn’t say what you said didn’t apply, but I doubt that we would agree on the degree to which it applies to me, and the degree to which it applies to others. The last thing you said is probably applies more than anything else. But my expectations of others are more along the lines of their pronouncements about themselves or their expectations of me/others. After the cog/diss/bs stops being frightening, it becomes comical. But then it becomes frightening again when I think of Hera. Nobody who actually understands the things you and I are discussing would have decided that talking out loud publicly instead of contacting Donna with concerns about this or that was more important than the risk of further traumatizing a women whose toddler had JUST DIED. Nor would they post on the internet, not knowing what this woman’s frame of mind would be when she saw the message “Hera, I’ve been thinking about what horror your baby must have been experiencing in his final moments!” These people are the cohort whose special gifts enable them to broadcast other posters’ secret thoughts and motivations. And of course who can *talk* a blue streak about ’empathy.’ Or after showing the above colors, complain themselves about not being respected, or arrogance, or ill will, cog/diss, ad nauseam, while tailing, heckling, ridiculing, or making displays of ignoring instead of just plain ignoring.
Over and over here I get flashes of Flatland and of a literally delusional family member.
As for the purpose of the forum… I created a big explosion a while back. How? By posting in agreement with parts of an article that the forum’s creator posted for public consumption, presumably discussion(?), who found it interesting and did not seem to have drawn conclusions from it inconstistent with mine, and who later reappeared to post diplomatic disagreement with somebody’s declarations that this forum is not for the “intellectual” comment I was posting, or something along those lines. She gave me the impression [including from a small private comment in e-mail] that she was more down with what I had posted than she was with the reception I got.
btw, something pretty fascinating happened there. Someone who was lecturing me for defending some science that had having such and such implications (her claim), concurrently with that conversation (iirc) entered another conversation about a horrible actual news story and stated a much stronger version of the very thing she’d been condemning me for “implying”. Everytime I ponder this I have my own fresh wtf moment. I’d be more specific but apparently I’d trigger people.
But KatyDid, again, I genuinely appreciate your tact and efforts to enlighten, even if it might be to encourage me to go away. You are right that perhaps I should consider it. But it’s hard to get a sense of my blind spots if all that does is puts me in Hera’s company.
PUKE.
Stay classy.
PUKE
RaggedyAnn
I had NO intent at all to encourage you to go away. If you think that, you have inferred something not said and not intended. That is NOT my place and I would NEVER be so presumptuous. My intent was to offer you what I would wish for myself, insight without cruelty, no intent to dismiss you or invalidate you or be snippy to you.
The conversations in this forum are not monitored by the creator. They can devolve just as you describe. I read the terrible posts to/about Hera and I hit that report abusive comment button more than once b/c it was the SAME feeding frenzy that I have endured. I was HORRIFIED at behaviors b/c at the very least, HER CHILD HAD DIED in the custody of her spath and people demanded answers in midst of her grief. It wasn’t the only feeding frenzy I’ve witnessed/been a target of myself, it was just the most egregious.
BUT, in spite of some cruelties, there have also been very kind, very supportive, very empowering posts and so I do check in b/c I enjoy those posts when people connect to their humanity, a real time reminder that spaths don’t always win. I read and sometimes am inspired to post, esp when I can share a different perspective. As a self admitted weirdo, I’ve discovered that sometimes it’s the outlier that inspires me more than the general consensus statements.
Best, Katy