By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
I’ve been reading some interesting books lately by some very interesting researchers in the field of psychology—Dr. Barbara Oakley dealing with the themes of altruism, Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen on empathy, and others who are trying to discover what makes people altruistic and how empathy (or lack of it) affects how we behave toward our fellow men. I’ve come to some interesting conclusions concerning my own part in my abuse by multiple people who were/are high in psychopathic traits, and very low in empathy, compassion and altruistic behavior. I have wondered about my own ability to repeatedly “explain away” the abusive behavior that I experienced from family members and “friends,” and to expect that they would change their abusive behavior. What made me think that I could somehow, by appeasing them, forgiving them, and being kind and caring to these people, make them realize just how much they had hurt me, how much I had suffered at their hands? What made me think that I could effect a change in someone else’s character, or instill character into someone who so obviously had no conscience, empathy or remorse?
In my studying about psychopathic behavior in former associates and in family members who have actually repeatedly done horrific violence to others as well as toward me, including battery, rape and actual murders, I have finally come to the conclusion, like many researchers, Dr. Robert Hare, Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen and Dr. Barbara Oakley, that there is little if any chance that a person who is very high in psychopathic traits and very low in empathy, without conscience or the ability to feel remorse for their behavior, is going to effectively change, either in their thinking or their behavior. That much finally got through to me. There are some things that are impossible to do no matter how capable you are.
When a person has had a life-long pattern of bad and/or violent behavior, does not have effective empathy, which is necessary for a person to have a conscience (a personality disorder), the likelihood of change is minimal. “The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior” is a truism that is not likely to change, no matter how “politically correct” it is to wish otherwise.
There are some instances when a person has a medical condition (either genetic or acquired) that keeps them from having empathy—autism or brain damage from a stroke or head injury, for example. But not all people who are without “normal” levels of empathy are violent or seem to enjoy hurting others. For those people lacking empathy and conscience, who do seem to enjoy control over others, or simply seem to enjoy hurting others, there is no “hope.”
Helper’s high
What about those of us on the other hand, though, who seem to have a desire to help others? It has been shown by medical and psychological research that “helping” others gives a chemical “atta boy” to the brains of those who are the helpers. This chemical “reward” for doing good reinforces the desire to “help” others. We are genetically programmed as a species to “do good.” It is rewarding to us and has helped keep the human race alive because we cooperate, help each other, and are to some extent altruistic.
The “pleasure” centers in the human brain respond to chemical stimuli from various sources—from orgasm, from doing good, from various drugs, and from various activities, such as “the runner’s high” that come from physical exertion. It has even been shown that working with your hands to produce something useful gives a chemical reward to the brain. That may be why people like to knit, crochet, build things, fix food, etc. But why, when the reward for “doing good” to someone, especially someone you love, is also accompanied by such intense emotional and/or physical pain, do we keep on doing what causes us pain as well as the “reward” for doing good? Why are we willing to endure the pain in addition to receiving the “reward” for “doing good?”
Narcissism
Some people high in psychopathic traits seem to be extremely high in narcissism, to the point that it is very obvious that they value themselves so far above others as to absolutely have no idea that anyone else has any value at all. They view others as lower than an object, but to the point that the very existence of other people is an insult to the highly narcissistic person. It seems as if the chemical reward for them for “doing good” is replaced by the desire for control.
If the narcissism is very apparent, people around the narcissist may notice this to the point that they don’t want to be around such a person. He is considered “stuck up” and we have probably been told from grade school on up that we should not “brag on ourselves” because it isn’t polite and others won’t like us. So the narcissism that is very apparent may be “off putting” to others around the person. Many people who are very narcissistic, though, have trained themselves not to appear as narcissistic as they actually feel. In other words, they have learned “good manners,” or to mask their true emotions. Those that don’t learn to conceal high levels of narcissism may not be very “popular.” A healthy level of narcissism, though, is an accurate self-assessment of your own abilities. The person who is very narcissistic may not be actually as smart or as competent as he thinks he is, however.
Self-assessment
I’m smart. I know that. I am capable and very able in learning how to do complex tasks such as fly an aircraft, knit, crochet, built things, train animals. I have led a life based on being a “can do” person. I’m somewhat justifiably proud of what I have accomplished in my life. That narcissism is a healthy level of self-assessment of my talents and abilities—yet my narcissism went further than that, I think, into making me think that there was nothing I couldn’t accomplish. Because I could do so many things, and do them well, I overestimated my ability to cope with the people in my life who were high in psychopathic traits and dysfunctional in relationships. I was too narcissistic in thinking I was able to accomplish the impossible—fixing dysfunctional relationships and dysfunctional people.
I think in part, my narcissism was because there were so few things I couldn’t accomplish if I set my mind to it and worked hard at acquiring the knowledge and skills to learn a new task, and perform it well. It never occurred to me that I could not also be “successful” in fixing a bad relationship with a person who had no conscience. Just as my psychopathic son, Patrick, who is extremely bright and also extremely narcissistic, never had any trouble in school, decided there was no one on earth as smart as he was, and that because he was smart, he could “get away with” anything. It never occurred to him that there were cops that were “smart enough” to catch him. Even when he was caught in his most violent crimes, crimes he didn’t even try to cover up, it never occurred to him that he would not be successful next time. When he was caught again, his narcissistic idea that he was the smartest, most capable person on Earth didn’t let him realize that he was wrong. His narcissism precluded him having an accurate self-assessment, or assessment of the capabilities of others.
I too was very narcissistic in my appraisal of my own abilities to effect change in these people, no matter how many times I failed in effecting change in them. No matter how many times I failed, or how bad the pain was because of my failure, it never dawned on me that I wasn’t capable of success if I just tried harder in this endeavor. If I just gave more of myself, if I was just more selfless, more giving, surely next time I would succeed. My own narcissism kept me in the game. My own desire to effect change in someone else’s behavior was fueled by my narcissism, by my poor self-assessment of my abilities.
Ignoring the danger
If a horse or a steer was aggressive and I was not able to effect change in the animal’s behavior, I would eventually give up when the animal continued to try to hurt me. I could at some point come to the conclusion that the potential harm to myself was not worth the effort of trying to control the animal’s violent tendencies. Though I am an excellent animal trainer, I know that not even the best animal trainer in the world can make some animals safe to work with, and the danger of trying to continue to do so foolish. Why could I not see that where it concerned dangerous humans?
Why was I willing to put myself, my life and my health, to say nothing of my happiness and peace, at risk in order to maintain a “relationship” with dangerous people for extended periods of time, decades in some cases? Why did I focus on the potential reward of changing their abusive behavior instead of on the pain they caused?
Family secrets
Part of the answer, I believe, lies in the way I was conditioned in my family, that the family “secrets” must be kept at all costs so that the “neighbors didn’t know.” This culture of shame, and covering up the general knowledge in the larger community that our family was not a “nice normal family” was handed down for generations by abusers and enablers working together to hide the family dysfunction. I participated in this “cover up” by keeping information about my son Patrick’s crimes from general knowledge of my extended family and “the neighbors” for years. I participated in the family myth that he had “found Jesus” when I knew otherwise. I participated in “family Christmas” celebrations that were a travesty and were anything except a “Norman Rockwell Christmas.” I think partly because I was so narcissistic that I thought if I just kept up the pretense long enough it would become real ”¦ especially if the “neighbors didn’t know.”
My coming out of this FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) was traumatic for me as well as for my family members who were as invested in this fantasy family as I was. That change from the status quo on my part released the “hounds of hell” within the family dynamics and resulted in my psychopathic son, Patrick, sending one of his ex-convict buddies to try to regain control of the family, since he couldn’t do this by emotional manipulation from inside his prison cell. He would kill me, if that is what it took in order for him to regain control. Several members of my family co-conspired with him, or at least knew what was going on and did nothing to stop the attack on me. Maintaining the status quo within the dysfunctional family was of paramount importance for everyone involved. Maintaining the FOG without change felt secure to them. Life was predictable. Change was scary.
Seeing the light
It was only the fear of actually losing my life that made me “see the light,” and see just how dangerously I had been behaving in trying to convince myself that I could effect change in these people. They had no conscience, no empathy, and enjoyed a high level of narcissism that made them believe themselves invincible. I too had felt invincible, and was way too narcissistic in my own self-assessment of what my capabilities were. I could not control these people, I could not change them, and they were too dangerous to deal with.
Now I try to look at myself more realistically, and to see that while I am a smart, capable person, there are some things that I am not capable of, and I need to be aware of these things. While I was realistic and humble enough to realize that there are some animals I can’t safely train, I am now humble enough to admit there are some dangerous people I can’t afford to associate with either, no matter how altruistic I feel or how much reward I get from helping others. The rewards I get from being “helpful” to others must also be tempered with the humility that I am not all-powerful in my abilities with people, any more than I am with animals. Just as I must assess the potential benefit of helping a person or training an animal, I must also assess the potential “costs” in terms I can afford to pay. While I still feel good when I am able to help someone else, I am no longer willing to overlook the repeated bad behavior of others and convince myself that if I am just “helpful enough” that I can change them.
I must take responsibility for my own life, my own behavior, and set my boundaries in such a way that I eliminate those dangerous relationships, no matter how smart or capable I am in other aspects of my life. There are just some things we can’t accomplish no matter how hard we work, and changing someone else is one of those things.
Dear Hurtnomore,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! You took responsibility for getting to your follow up appointment for your eye surgery.
Taking RESPONSIBILITY for yourself, your health care and for your medication is important.
As for the “lady insisting that you get parental consent” since you are 18, you do not need parental consent since you are taking medication, you are an ADULT legally. In fact, without your CONSENT your parents have no right to know your medical information.
If you are dealing with anxiety, depression and ADHD you do have your hands full, and I suggest that you keep up with your medication prescriber and any therapy that they recommend (or at school at the school’s counselor) I do think you need to have a professional to talk to as well as the medication.
Not “buying into” the “drama-rama” of the girl friend and your dad and the various other members of the family or friends will help decrease your stress and anxiety in the short run and in the long run. AVOIDING confrontations with them is the best way if it is at all possible. If you say “look I don’t want to talk to you” it may start a fight, but if you just “have something else to do” right then, the talk and the fight may be avoided all together.
Soon you will be gone from there and can avoid the drama by keeping busy at school, just “no time to talk”
Good for you getting to your medical appointment. That is taking on responsibility for yourself in an adult role.
Hurtnomore –
Way to go! Keep doing what you have to do to escape. It will get better.
hurtnomore- looks like you’re getting the hang of this, girlie. Keep it up 🙂 You’re going strong. You’ll make it.
Oxy,
This is a great article. By self assessment we can learn that we can’t change anyone we are trying to help. If they can’t/won’t/don’t want to change. I think the faster we get to that place of recogzing this, the more heartache, pain, financial loss,etc we save ourselves. I’m learning this too now. In fact, my brother in law told me “STOP helping people” when he heard about the spath. LOL Talk about a sign post…
Ana, “helping” people is a GOOD thing….BUT….(isn’t there always a “but” involved! LOL) we must use WISDOM to determine what “help” is. Sometimes the “help” we give them is actually HURT. If you give a drug addict money you are NOT “helping” them, you are only allowing them to have the funds to HURT THEMSELVES MORE.
Remember the scene in “Cat Ballou” where Lee Marvin falls out of the boot of the stage coach drunk because she had sent him $50 and he had spent it all on booze? Her intention was good, but the result was bad.
Our altruistic motives may be very good in “helping” others, but at the same time, “THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS.” So we must be careful that our intention to “help” doesn’t actually make things worse not only for the person we are trying to “help” but for OURSELVES as well.
We also must take into consideration that we must meet our own needs before we have extra to help others with…whether that is money, energy, time, or what the “resource” is. We must TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES FIRST in order to be healthy.
We must also look at WHOSE RESPONSIBILITY IS THE SITUATION? If the person who is responsible for the situation is not meeting their own needs, why?
Well, if your friend can’t pay the rent because they spent their money on booze, toys, giving all their money to their church, or what the reason is…..then you might not be so inclined to “donate” to their rent fund.
If, however, they were doing all they could to get the rent money together, working as much as they could, not buying unnecessary items, and had STAGE 4 CANCER, you might be more inclined to donate to their “rental fund.” But still, you can’t donate so much that YOUR OWN RENT GETS BEHIND.
Using good sense and logic in how you help, how much you help, and who you help keeps “helping” to a truly helpful level and keeps you from neglecting yourself in doing so.
I come here and read articles often. This one was really thought provoking. Your articles are just getting better and better, Ox. Thanks for posting this.
LL
((((((((((((LL!!! Hi Chica)))))))))))))))))))
Thanks all!
I’ve just had it with my family! My dad and little sister keep trying to make me look bad to almost everyone they know. My dad claims I talk badly about him to the neighbors but they are telling me that they can tell what sort of person he is by his actions. They said”We see women in and out of your place.” One of the neighbors witnessed him throw his girlfriend out of the snow last winter. Her car was surrounded by heaps of snow and I let her back in eventually. It was below zero and the roads were horrible. She couldn’t get home and he threw her out. I got in so much trouble from my dad. Now my little sister tries to steal my close friends. She will tell them lies that I said about them and most don’t buy it. My older cousin used to live near my moms house in another country and my little sister used to talk to him. He now lives here in the US and we talk often. My little brother skyped him one day and said ” you chose M over my little sister” it looks like M( hurtnomore) stole you away.” She complains how she doesnt have many friends and that’s because she’s a mean girl. She’s always backstabbing and manipulating people. For example, she wanted to be close to my family friends son. I used to live with the family so we grew close. She told him how much of a bad person I was and Im self absorbed. She told him I talk so much crap about him and his family behind close doors. He was upset at first and told his mom. She said he should think about the person he knows and my character. I’m no such person and should ignore my sisters remark. It’s almost like she steals my friends. My dad tells people I’m fake and I’m a liar. He says I’m evil and he’s good. He does everything in his power to make me look bad. He told my friends mom how I used to gossip about her family and she basically cut me off. How do I call these people dad and sister?
Oxy – you are right about the ‘just scared’ thing (for me at least). I have reached out to 3 people in the last while. One, by business friend, one, a guy i met through work, and the third is a woman I met in a commercial kitchen during an event. After getting together with her once, i RLF! (new acromyn – ran like f***!) So, I am working on it.
today i ran into one of the lost freinds in the supermarket. I was talking to a couple of folks i know through work and li saw lost friend and her sidekick. i twitched. and looked away immediately. I don’t even want to look at her. this is my natural response now. okay, i think i am good with that. i get more and more disgusted with what she did. i waved at her sidekick as he went around the corner – and he waved back. i did say something to the people i was talking with, because I REALLY twitched when i saw her. i just said, ex best friend. the girl i was talking to looked and me and said, I know what that’s like. So, it was normalized pretty fast.
and tonight i am going to a BBQ with someone I know thorugh work whose mom recently died. this is a great guy, and i made sure i went to his mom’s wake. i met his family and loved them – uber geeks all of them. so, his family is back in town and they invited me over. nervous about the weather. i can’t go in his house – it’s full of mold. so as long as the weather holds, i’m good. I have been really nervous about this – people being nice to me. oy! effing spath.
my codependence (a word i never use aloud! ha!) is all about having to please the family to keep the peace. i guess there was always an underlying sense of anger/ frustration in my household, and little if no transparency. so, i had to be the emo support for the mother and not upset her, so that n sire had his supply in working order. hmmm, never realized that – YET EFFING AGAIN, IN SERVICE TO THAT STUPID DICK!!! The whole brood was disordered or dysfunctional and we were isolated….i learned to gravitate to similar people…and on it wnet.
when it came up with the executive director i could feel the wrongness of it – the first time i did something that he should have done i felt nauseous. the second time i was angry. and the third time i was DONE. and told this to the board of directors. my feelings were pretty clear – and i moved through this cycle within a couple of weeks. damn quickly. as a woman i have often been in the position at work where i was ‘support’ to some horror show. i now work hard to make sure that doesn’t happen. i don’t take ‘assistants’ jobs, and i assert myself with boards and committees – i am not into them sitting around doing nothing and expecting me to a) listen to them blah blah b) make their notes c) do their bidding. I work to have a collaborative relationship. i often have to drag them kicking and screaming into the change, but i have affected it. After i had my own business i wasn’t willing to ‘take care’ of others in the work place. I will pitch in 100%. I will cover for others when needed. I am part of the team, but I ain’t the bat boy anymore.
I think the white hair and the business suits help (hehe – I have ALWAYS looked authoritarian in a suit – even at 20. pretty sure i was in the army in a previous life!)
man, i a ‘getting’ a lot of stuff right now. TOWANDA To ME!!! 🙂
hurtnomore – IT’S ALL PROJECTION, EVERYTHING THEY SAY YOU DO THEY DO!
it sounds like the folks around you have their number and know your character – so you are miles ahead!
you have been given some good tools – you can say to folks, ‘does this fit my character? no? consider the source the words are coming from. what is their character? it is all projection!’
keep going girl, you sound pretty darn clear and you have support around you!