Aren’t sociopaths supposed to be rule-breakers? Isn’t this a main indicator of their sociopathy? If so, then what’s up with sociopaths when they’re following, not breaking, the rules?
Hmm. This appears to be confusing, but then again, is it really?
Perhaps it’s oversimplistic to see sociopaths as incapable of following rules? In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that sociopaths will break rules; they will violate boundaries; they will hurt and violate others with a startling—indeed sociopathic—lack of accountability and conscience.
The sociopath, I think we can say reasonably, will inevitably transgress others, and he will transgress them heartlessly.
However, when we compress the grand scheme of things into something less grand—for instance, day to day, week to week, month to month, even for longer periods—things may be different. When we break down time into shorter periods, we discover that sociopaths, much like many individuals gripped by compulsive, addictive tendencies, often possess the capacity, at least temporarily, to suppress their inclinations—in the sociopath’s case, his inclination to violate and exploit.
Otherwise, how would the sociopath manage, as often as he does, to operate so effectively undetected, or under-detected? In other words, if sociopaths couldn’t, and didn’t, follow rules; indeed, follow many rules—social rules, legal rules, interpersonal rules, employment rules—then there could be no such thing as the sociopath’s “mask?”
Because the sociopath’s mask, ironically, is dependent on, supported by, his capacity to follow rules.
The sociopath’s mask, in a certain sense, is precisely this—the social, legal and interpersonal conventions and rules he follows between, or in simultaneity with, his violating, exploitive behaviors.
His mask is his capacity to follow enough rules, enough of the time, to “blend in,” to seem normal and well-adjusted, to cast himself as among the least likely suspects to be perpetrating the transgressions he perpetrates while operating behind the mask.
And so there is a certain irony here. Yes, the sociopath, in the greater scheme of things, is a rule-breaker, a transgressor with a seriously defective conscience. And yet, at least in many cases, in the smaller scheme of things, he is a good enough rule follower to abet the construction of the very mask behind which he unconscionably violates, or surely will unconscionably violate, his victim(s).
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Thanks for this article Steve, because during the early stages of the “love bombing” many Psychopaths can and do follow rules. It isn’t that they don’t know how to follow the rules or even what those rules are, so they can choose to NOT STEAL NOW when they know that in a week or month they can GET IT ALL if they are patient and wait a bit building up your trust in them.
Sometimes the con can go on for years, even decades.
Or they may be breaking all the rules in one section of their lives which is kept secret from everyone else….for example the kindly neighborhood pediatrician I read about the other day who was arrested for video taping and sexually molesting children in his practice over a period of 9 years that they know about.
No one who knew him knew he was doing the “rule breaking” so hiding the rules they do break is another form of cammo to help them hide the rule breaking behavior.
How may people on this blog have had their psychopath cheat on them sexually behind their backs. Or beat them or other wise abuse them while keeping the maskk up in PUBLIC, or even in front of the children in the home.
I think it is their abilities to be or play different characters in different venues that makes them so versitile.
Steve,
I’m so glad you wrote this article. I have had sooo many questions on why my husband doesn’t seem to have empathy or remorse and is not a con artist. Maybe he is a con artist when it comes to relationships because he has people believing he is one way when in reality he is another.
He works hard when he has a challenge because he enjoys the challenge. It’s not necessarily because he wants to work hard. I noticed that he gets a team of really talented people to work for him and they are very loyal. He manipulates people to do the jobs he is unable or unwilling to do and says people really love to work for him.
The thing that really gives him away is his crying. It is completely fake and hard to watch. In the 20 years I’ve known him he only started crying when I told him I wanted a divorce, not when there was a death of a close family member or even when his daughter doesn’t want to be alone with him because he is inappropriate. His crying is superficial at best. Even daughter said he had crocodile tears.
It’s so bizzare that he has been able to fool so many for so long. I wonder if his mom has some idea because she snapped at him for joking about something, told him never to talk to her like that again. Daughter A said it was weird how grandma got so angry at dad. She looked at him like she hated him and she is a sweet, kind, caring person. She has always been good to me. One of those moments when you know that something isn’t right.
He has kept up his mask for a very long time. When I met him he was losing his house to foreclosure, he might have had some bad business deals then. I found out from intelius that his house was in his sisters name. It’s a mystery.
He never looks you in the eyes when you are talking, (except when he wants you to look him in the eyes cuz he wants you to know he’s not lying), he looks around the room but tells me he is paying attention. It’s like he has a bad case of ADHD, always fidgiting. Likes excitement too, motorcycles, race cars, wanted to get an airplane at one point, playing in a rock band, running marathons, climbing mountains, always wants the challenge of something new.
Those things would all be fine if he actually had emotions.
Steve, as always, I enjoyed reading this article.
I think itis precisely because a spath IS Capable of following the rules, and like you say, DOES follow them, (just enough to get by) that they are so insideously addictive, so to speak.
It makes it difficult to attach a lable to them…it’s hard to say, “He’s a bad man, so he’s not good for me.”
It causes confusion and ambivalence in the victim, and probably fosters more rather than less dependancy. The victim also gets locked in to trying to make sense of it all.
I remember reading somewhere, years ago, that the way to make a cat neurotic is to call it once and feed it, call it a second time and kick it, etc etc etc.
Isn’t it true that you strengthen a given response in others most by intermittant reward?
I am curious, though, why, in the last paragraph, you choose the word, “unconscionably”. Do you mean without conscience? Do you think psychopaths are conscience of their own evil nature, or do they honestly believe in their own entitlement,? We’ve all heard that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.
I knew one sociopath who was really afraid about breaking the law. Was so worried about being caught. Not sure why, but if there was anything illegal in terms of being in real trouble over it this sociopath wouldn’t touch it. Yet in a moral and psychological sense the same sociopath was extreme.
If you ran a despotic regime I would imagine that rule following sociopaths would come in very useful.
No it’s impossible….it must be in our destiny to tangle with the sociopath because there is no way of telling them apart from the wonderful people out there…..the P I tangled with was such a character of depth…he really communicated to me he was ‘on board’ and we were ‘a team together’ in this life…he really worked hard at coming across as co creator of all that was good…..so now you are telling me that this idiot monster has it so evenly balanced between following rules and not following them…. my conclusion would be that it is extremely hard to distinguish a psychopath/sociopath from a normal human being….oh yeah…that’s how we got caught!!!!
Yep!!!
Dear Frank Lee
Have you checked this guy’s criminal record? He has probably done significant time and doesn’t want to do it again.
Mine is SO smooth, he tows the line legally now. He gets his way thru manipulation, especially the “feel sorry for me” trick.
Steve, thank you very much for this article – it touches on the “garden variety” of sociopath. They go to work, pay their bills, and everything appears to be so very “normal.” Behind closed doors, they are Mr. Hyde (or, Mrs. Hyde) and that’s what baffles the non-spaths who are ensnared. They must be doing SOMETHING right because their bills are paid and they go to work, etc.
Very, very poignant insight, here. Thanks, again.
Brightest blessings.
This is going to be a thought provoking thread. My X would insist I buckle up just to drive down the driveway. I am more lax about that, driving unbuckled until I get on the main road out of here..(OMG) yes I break the law..But if he went into a drunk rage he would drive resklessly to the point of wrecking into trees running stops signs etc..He didnt have a pot to pee in when he came here, no drivers licence, a dui that hadnt been taken care of ten years pryor. But once I helped him retain his license and helped get him a car he was good to pay his part and insisted on paying on time..But he got a 750.00 check from Insurance that was to be paid on his dental bill and he blew it at the casino (so he said…but back to my point..he functioned very well in his circle of bar friends but none would come to the birthday bash I planned for him ( that was a bad day because I got all his anger thrown at me for having the birthday party, and I could see he was really upset that no one came, and I felt even more sorry for him back and forth back and forth . was it him or was it me? I do love to garden so maybe I am just a garden variety dysfunctional something. Or maybe I am just fine the way I am because I dont get close to anyone these days. I used to fall in love with the telephone operator’s, now find it hard to trust anyone’s intentions.
At times, they follow the rules to a T, in order to gain crediblity.
that is part of what makes them so confusing..
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