Aren’t sociopaths supposed to be rule-breakers? Isn’t this a main indicator of their sociopathy? If so, then what’s up with sociopaths when they’re following, not breaking, the rules?
Hmm. This appears to be confusing, but then again, is it really?
Perhaps it’s oversimplistic to see sociopaths as incapable of following rules? In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that sociopaths will break rules; they will violate boundaries; they will hurt and violate others with a startling—indeed sociopathic—lack of accountability and conscience.
The sociopath, I think we can say reasonably, will inevitably transgress others, and he will transgress them heartlessly.
However, when we compress the grand scheme of things into something less grand—for instance, day to day, week to week, month to month, even for longer periods—things may be different. When we break down time into shorter periods, we discover that sociopaths, much like many individuals gripped by compulsive, addictive tendencies, often possess the capacity, at least temporarily, to suppress their inclinations—in the sociopath’s case, his inclination to violate and exploit.
Otherwise, how would the sociopath manage, as often as he does, to operate so effectively undetected, or under-detected? In other words, if sociopaths couldn’t, and didn’t, follow rules; indeed, follow many rules—social rules, legal rules, interpersonal rules, employment rules—then there could be no such thing as the sociopath’s “mask?”
Because the sociopath’s mask, ironically, is dependent on, supported by, his capacity to follow rules.
The sociopath’s mask, in a certain sense, is precisely this—the social, legal and interpersonal conventions and rules he follows between, or in simultaneity with, his violating, exploitive behaviors.
His mask is his capacity to follow enough rules, enough of the time, to “blend in,” to seem normal and well-adjusted, to cast himself as among the least likely suspects to be perpetrating the transgressions he perpetrates while operating behind the mask.
And so there is a certain irony here. Yes, the sociopath, in the greater scheme of things, is a rule-breaker, a transgressor with a seriously defective conscience. And yet, at least in many cases, in the smaller scheme of things, he is a good enough rule follower to abet the construction of the very mask behind which he unconscionably violates, or surely will unconscionably violate, his victim(s).
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Oh OxDrover. Thank you for the reality check. IT is just what I needed. I started to doubt myself again.
You know one of the reasons I like this site? Quite a few of you have the same sense of humor I do! I LOVE IT!It took me years to get my funny bone back! EB, up from the dead and walks on water? nahh. I’m thinking She floats… heavenly if she choses. Reminds me that used to scare the shit out of my husband, that I might have mystical powers. I kid you not. Weird how cruel they are but can convince themselves of the most scary illogical realities. What I had was INTUITION. And it actually saved my life, the last day I was in that town. Never found a reason to return.
Oh still reading. Oxdrover I Laughed loud and long. “reason you carry a gun is b/c a Cop is too heavy. Hhahahaha It’s so good to laugh. My secret is a concealed carry. NO one knows. My husband thinks I am dead scared of guns. Used to be true but faced my fear and did it anyway. Now I am a solid don’t mess with Texas woman. He and his crew tried to kill me once, I will NEVER be that helpless again. Don’t walk into my house uninvited and you will be just fine….b/c I’m NOT going to ask questions first…
Frank Lee, Just wanted to point out that many in Hitlers Master Race escaped to South America. I know that one of their grandchildren was a person who was barely stopped from killing me, only by the fortunatle delivery of a late delivery of hay – a “witness” whose presence allowed me to get away. She said I attacked her so she got away with beating me nearly unconscious. Being labeled as the crazy wife gave everyone an excuse to bath in the glory of my husbands approval of them protecting him from “the fucking bossy bitch”. The truth? I had NO control over anything, not even mypersonal space or my home or my life. Any friends were taken aside and educated about my true nature of being the family leech. They decided what I ate, where I went, the clothes I wore, who could come into my house and take things. They said they HAD to take things b/c I was such a selfish bitch that I refused to loan things. My husband agreed and okayed his family to take whatever they needed when they wanted. Ooops, dwelling in my pain when I should celebrate escaping. Sometimes rejection is salvation. Another secret besides the concealed carry permit? I am happy now. It took years to find peace and joy but I find joy all the time these days. They would be so angry to find out I am thriving. :)))))))
Buttons! WOw. You are so right on. I FORGOT so much and just recently things will trigger a memory. Gosh I got so numb, I even remember willing myself not to feel because I hurt so much I wanted to die. I will finally log off, I feel so blessed to find this site today b/c I have felt so alone with my thinking that I screwed up my marriage by not getting it right. Because everything is roses for him and his wonder woman. And here am I, alone in a strange city, starting over at my age. BUT, feeling happier for all that, and at peace, and gosh good things keep happening these days!
Dear Katy,
Sweetie, you will bounce back and forth for quite some time. You will question and requestion your own reality. I used to have to have others to validate my reality or some how it wasn’t real, at least where my egg donor was concerned.
I’m glad that you were able to escape and not be killed by the X and his dupes or hired hands, whatever they were….but being in danger of your life is an EYE OPENING EXPERIENCE. It makes us stop and say HEY, WTF? Yep,, I never want to be defenseless again and I will do my best NOT to be. I’m not going out like Annie Oakley,shooting up the town, but I will defend myself–better to be tried by 12, than carried by 6. (glad you like my sense of humor.)
Yes, they do not want us to thrive….they want to punish us for not obeying them, for not being in their control. It is all about control, and my P son sure wants control over me or to kill me whichever comes first. Just like an egocentric teenager hates mom and dad for trying to “control” them, multiply that teenager’s attitude by 1000 and that is my P son. Still 15-6 years old, filled with rage, frustration and testosterone, grandiosity, narcissism, and desire for dominance and control.
Dangerous mix. THOSE are the ones that are not ones to turn your back on.
Keep on reading and learning Katy. It takes us time to get it all bck together but when we do it is better than it ever was, and just keeps on getting better! (((((Hugs)))))
Yea, late night Saturday nights around here get pretty crazy with EB and Hens and me and Rosa and sometimes a few others. Glad you are here, again, welcome.
Katy – we have all second guessed ourselves – if he was such a bad man with me then how can he be so good with her? Does that mean that I was the problem? Would it be different if he came back now? Is he cured? Did I do things wrong? Was I the abuser?
We’ve all had those doubts. You’re not alone in that. My advice (which is totally uncalled for but I’m going to give it anyways :D) is that you start writing. Start writing everything you can remember about all the bad stuff he did to you – all the weird things about him you couldn’t understand and all the ways he broke your heart and your trust. Lock this writing away somewhere safe and come back to it often to add to it. What this does is give you a dossier of evidence so when you have these doubts, you have a solid body of evidence of his badness to read through and reassure yourself you’re doing the right thing by leaving him in the dust.
I’ve just come out the other side of a long and protracted battle over property and divorce. While they can accept we don’t want to be with them (I personally think they get enraged by this fact), they seldom want a divorce even when they’re with someone new. Being married – even if separated leaves the door open for them to come back in their minds. It also leaves us as targets in a kind of horrible limboland.
Gather all your paperwork and find a good strong lawyer to fight with you on your behalf. And don’t be nice … because he won’t be. There was no love, emotion or bonding there – it was all an illusion designed to fool you so take this Ba***rd to the mat and get everything material you deserve to set yourself up in a new life. It’s hard to do it at the time when they’re making out they’re Mr NICE, but that you’ll be glad in time you got everything you were entitled to. It doesn’t compensate the losses of being lied to for years and ab used, but it does make starting over a litttle easier. And there is some consolation in being the one to initiate the split and the divorce.
Hugs to you – it does get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel – you will get through this and life truly is so much better without their sick influence affecting every facet of your being 🙂
pollyannanomore
congratulations….You sound so well! the writing thing is a great tool for recovery, I used a tape recorder and spoke into it to really vent how I felt about the P (friends were sick of me, family keeping me at a distance…therapist was useless..had to do something )
I literally talked myself round…talking listening, talking listening…now I’m cutting a few cords to people who I suspect still feed off my energy…this is NOT normal life…I am very strange…with my crystals and rituals…. then I’m punching mats in the self defense class and sweating like a pig surrounded by men!!…. I’m eating strange powders sprinkled on top of my “health” food (Spirulina) ….whilst my friends go on sun holidays…I’m not interested…I have to be back with my potions and healing rituals walking around, staring at trees like I had never truy seen them before…something is galvanising within me..some strength coming back, but it’s odd…I am odd…things will never be the same
My cat got bitten on the ass by another cat…really deep…abscess formed…went to vet..she has that plastic collar thing on to prevent her licking the “wound” that is opened up to drain…the actual licking would make it worse….I wonder if I am licking my wound too much and making it worse? it’s hard to know when healing becomes an obsession…or if it’s really nessecary to go through it in such detail…looking forward to september when I go back to work!!! if I continued living like this I would end up channelling spirit guides (yes I’m half way there) and seeing orbs…lol somebody stop me!!!
Frank Lee
Sorry I’m a bit jumpy, edgy…I see what you meant now..i think!!!
BP – i relate to what you are saying about being odd. i have always been a bit odd when grieving; i have had a lot to grieve in my life and go to the woods in many ways while i do it.
there is a growing authenticity; and there is a querying about what is healing, questions about what returns us to ourselves and the world, and what is delusion and takes us to a place that removes us further from the world.
i wish i were going deeper right now. i fear getting to busy and leaving it off. but right now i have to focus a bit broader as i am struggling with work and housing and health also.
i spent some time last night working on my healing plan – the one for my body. and on my financial plan, the one for the next 9 months. the financial plan is interesting, because it requires an understanding of not only my goals, but of my priorities. and that the financial priorities have to come from obligations and a commitment to a certain way of life. and THAT has changed. i have been so poor. i want to look at my life and think deeply about how i use money. i want to free a portion of it to use to directly help others. and to do that i have to use my money differently. i was at the store on firday, looking for clothes for work, and i tell you I preferred the free store at the food bank. the box store is TOO much. too much stuff, too much cost, too much alienation, too much commercialism, too much time spent walking, too too much. i didn’t find the things i was looking for – i got overwhelmed by the piles and piles of stuff (big sale on) – but i did find a really nice fall coat. on sale half price. but i look at it and think – hmmm, if i spent half that amount on another coat, then i could do something with that other $50. which leads me to know that i want to create a bit of a manifesto on how i use money. i have done something similar for what i am willing to write (for money) and not write – it includes things like; will it help others, will it harm others, will it advance some part of my life/ beliefs/ causes, what’s the return of $ on the time invested, do i get to talk to really cool people, etc.
seems i’ve steered a bit off topic of my original post…:) but i have my potions and rituals too. these things are my inner friends. they are there to tether, comfort, and reveal me to myself. when the fake boy fake died i went deep into them. it was amazing, authentic, and healing. i too was raised with the faeries – just not the fairy tales. my mom is a big faerie girl – it’s the irish in her. and the spath was all about the faeries also – and i don’t mean make believe, rather that we both accepted unseen realms as existent and influential. (‘cept she was a lie and everything that came out of her mouth was a lie, but that’s a diff story). So I have these questions about what is healing and what is not also. Do I trust what I have done in the past (my inner friends), especially as this bias GOT me into trouble. But I need them. I have lost most of my friends because of the spath. And I have given up my exhausting/n family in the last year also. If I don’t turn in to these things i have known for decades, I have no old friends. The earth can hold me, the woods can touch me, I can be massaged by the water, (and vent my blood lust on the mosquitoes). ïŠ
To be true to myself ”“ I don’t ’fit’ in ordinary society right now. Not at all. It’s a struggle. The number of things I have to do just to get my exhausted body from sunrise to sunset is exhausting. I try to keep a lot of it on the down low at work, but it’s a lot of pressure hiding all of this. My work is very public. I have a rep to maintain. Bwaaaahhhhaa. Thankfully some of the folks I will be dealing with (media) know me from other projects and I can coast a bit on my former work. I am odd. Odd as hell and stirring the cauldron ”“ both.
Xx one step.
Bulletproof, now is a good time to focus your energy on your injured cat. Pets give us unconditional love. If you feel that you are going overboard with any of your activities to heal … slow it down on the inside focus of yourself … while your cat gets better. This way, you take the focus off yourself and place your energies on your little buddy that needs you right now.
Remember, it’s baby steps for anything we do. Yes, we want to jump in as fast as we can to rid ourselves of the nightmares that engulfed our lives… but, just as methodically as they manipulated us … step by step is also how we unwind their evil from our lives. There is no instant fix … just take it slow. You’re doing good.
Peace.