Aren’t sociopaths supposed to be rule-breakers? Isn’t this a main indicator of their sociopathy? If so, then what’s up with sociopaths when they’re following, not breaking, the rules?
Hmm. This appears to be confusing, but then again, is it really?
Perhaps it’s oversimplistic to see sociopaths as incapable of following rules? In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that sociopaths will break rules; they will violate boundaries; they will hurt and violate others with a startling—indeed sociopathic—lack of accountability and conscience.
The sociopath, I think we can say reasonably, will inevitably transgress others, and he will transgress them heartlessly.
However, when we compress the grand scheme of things into something less grand—for instance, day to day, week to week, month to month, even for longer periods—things may be different. When we break down time into shorter periods, we discover that sociopaths, much like many individuals gripped by compulsive, addictive tendencies, often possess the capacity, at least temporarily, to suppress their inclinations—in the sociopath’s case, his inclination to violate and exploit.
Otherwise, how would the sociopath manage, as often as he does, to operate so effectively undetected, or under-detected? In other words, if sociopaths couldn’t, and didn’t, follow rules; indeed, follow many rules—social rules, legal rules, interpersonal rules, employment rules—then there could be no such thing as the sociopath’s “mask?”
Because the sociopath’s mask, ironically, is dependent on, supported by, his capacity to follow rules.
The sociopath’s mask, in a certain sense, is precisely this—the social, legal and interpersonal conventions and rules he follows between, or in simultaneity with, his violating, exploitive behaviors.
His mask is his capacity to follow enough rules, enough of the time, to “blend in,” to seem normal and well-adjusted, to cast himself as among the least likely suspects to be perpetrating the transgressions he perpetrates while operating behind the mask.
And so there is a certain irony here. Yes, the sociopath, in the greater scheme of things, is a rule-breaker, a transgressor with a seriously defective conscience. And yet, at least in many cases, in the smaller scheme of things, he is a good enough rule follower to abet the construction of the very mask behind which he unconscionably violates, or surely will unconscionably violate, his victim(s).
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
one step
Thanks for this beautiful post, I’m so happy that you feel odd too and I’m not alone! lol
“The earth can hold me, the woods can touch me, I can be massaged by the water”
My so called friends are gone….my phone has stopped ringing….I’m not going crawling after them …let them go! so those word restore my spirit…thank you so much!
I am glad you got the job, and you are talking about money and reviewing it all anew…it’s fantastic! in my humble opinion! and I think of you and your exhausted body, and how brave you are to keep going despite it all…I guess being true to ourselves means discomfort and not fitting in right now…but hearing what you are going through just helps me go ahead with my instinct…which is to stay with my inner friends for a while…and venture out from there sometime…and so just to quote you once again…I agree
” I am odd. Odd as hell and stirring the cauldron ”“ both.”
LOL…………. Cackling actually! with my black cat beside me…I took her damn collar off, but I have to supervise the licking, and steer her away from the wound…but it’s okay…wound healing beautifully like one step and bulletproof!! ha ha
Wini
Thanks for those words of wisdom. I will slow down and I get it…it’s not an overnight fix…it’s a long hard journey.
I love this cat Wini and she is glued to me at the moment because of her injury…I have been hand feeding her while the wound was really raw, and she was so good…eating out of my hand and sleeping with that horrible collar on…she “escaped” yesterday and with that big plastic collar on she ran down the road and wedged herself under a parked car….I had to sit there talking to her…but she would not come out…then I went back and got some turkey slices….she loves them, and I offered them to her on my knees…under car…she comes towards me..collar scraping along the ground….and yes! I caught her and brought her home…she is well pissed off with everything…yeah well so am I….lol Wini thanks for the words of encouragment…they mean so much xx
BP – ty.
and for your free range kitty – do you have any rescue remedy? rub some on her ears; it will help her get over the shock of it all.
x one step
Short article. Many thoughts inspired.
In my experience, I’ve been the breaker of these “rules.” The rule never to get upset. The rule never to make that person feel inferior for something they did. The rule never to emasculate a man by breaking up with him, or seeing other people when he clearly is not under the same constraint. The rule to rein in my slutty sexual desires in the presence of a real holy-roller dude. Alternately, the obligation to express desires I don’t even have in the presence of a real ladykiller. It seems there are rules, and there are the ones the S/P makes.
I had two encounters with past S/Ps in my life in the past month. Both enforced unspoken “rules” on me.
Rule #1: When someone calls wishing you a happy birthday, the correct response is, “Thanks! I love you too.”
Rule #2: When an S/P calls wanting to hang out with you after so long, in a chirpy voice, it’s bad form to say no in front of your mom, her aunt, and basically a whole small town.
Rule #3: A class reunion of sorts is no place to call that person on her lies. Then again, you have zero chance of getting that person into any place where it would be appropriate to tell the truth.
Rule #4: Don’t carry a grudge.
Hey, I like the Rescue Remedy tip for kitties! A little off-topic but immensely helpful!
Question: A friend confided to me that her ex-boyfriend, who wants to still be her “friend” after breaking up with her abruptly, acts really coldly toward her.
But she says, nobody cheated, nobody stole. Maybe he is honest and just simply hurt beyond repair by something she did. Or maybe he just follows certain rules and flouts others. Maybe he’s a crazymaking, gaslighting type of guy.
Hard to read this one.
It reminds me of the “breakup speech” in “Brief Interviews with Hideous Men.” That one where the camera cuts to different guys making essentially the same earnest and painful speech, about how it’s not you, it’s me, we can be honest, I really respect you for moving across the country for me, I’m just this way and I hope you can understand, b.s., b.s., b.s.
So many unwritten rules in that speech, about how a woman should respond with all due respect to a poor, broken man. He gets down on the floor, basically, and says, “kick me,” and she can’t. The creep makes the rules as he goes along, even defines what “honesty” is. It’s both hilarious and powerful. You can see these girls aren’t buying this cheesball act, but they’re helpless to kick these jack-asses all over town. The culture doesn’t allow it. That would be off-script, “crazy.” I wanted director John Krasinski (yeah, that “the office” guy) to have my baby. (I can’t have his; I’m too old. LOL.) And then that last, devastating, incredible breakup speech about the hippie chick who was raped. I don’t know whether to believe it, and neither does John’s girlfriend. She just looks stunned, which is exactly right. I won’t give it away, but it’s a story about a violently enforced rule, and the changing of that script.
I observed to a friend over the weekend that if I don’t have a voice in setting the rules, I don’t have to follow them, either. It takes a woman half her life to learn that. It takes her a lot of years to develop a shark-fin, the skill to use it, and the restraint to know when and where.
Sister-sister,
Your “if I didn’t have a voice in making the rules I don’t have to follow them” sounds a bit like the Revolutionary cry of “no taxation without representation.” !!!! DON’T TREAD ON ME!!!!
In a situation where two people are FREE to associate or not associate. In other words one is not the jailer over the other one (i.e. has total control over life and death) I totally agree with you.
If I don’t like the rules you lay down, I don’t have to ASSOCIATE WITH YOU. Even if it is a country that is making the rules, I can get up and leave that country and go to another country where the rules may be different, more to my liking. People do that all the tiime.
If it is a job, and the boss lays down rules that I don’t agree with and I have no input, I can quit and get another job. People do all the time.
If my “beloved” or “family” lays down rules that I cant get a chance for input in, I can move away from them, people do all the time.
This may not be what we would prefer, but if we decide that we will make our own rules and regulations and/or to associate only with others of like minds we may have to move, change jobs, or leave behind those people who would impose their rules on us.
Either that, or you “violate” the rules and take the consequences.
Most times, though, as costly as it is to go NC with the rule makers who make the rules for you, it is still cheaper than selling your soul trying to placate them.
Totally agreed.
It’s just that, as you allude to, there are indeed “consequences” for not following the implied “rules.” They plan it that way.
Remember “Candid Camera,” where they kept making people talk back to mailboxes? It’s a setup kind of like that. It feels more crazy not to do it.
That cost/benefit is real. Creating a stir in public with one of these people wasn’t really worth it. She won’t be around again for a long, long time, and I can just stay out of her thoughts.
The other one, my sister, I refused to play with at all. I didn’t pick up the phone.
I’m having a separate problem with breaking “rules” the leader of a group has set for my behavior — to silence me in the group. I’m having none of this. One of the rules of polite behavior is not going behind someone’s back. That’s too bad. This person is going to lose his position in the group, and soon, by any means necessary. He’s finally stepped in it, big time, big mistake, and I’m going to make sure this mistake is noticed.
“Ethics” are for wimps.
Sistersister and Oxy, Have either of you seen or read, “The Cider house Rules”? That is the basic premise of the story; that the rules are made by the ones with the power, to benefit the ones with the power, and until we recognize that and decide for ourselves what our rules are, we will be exploited and manipulated and guilted and controlled by forces that are actually quite threatened by us…if they weren’t they wouldn’t have to erect rules and laws that strip us of our voices and our power.
It’s a great read.
Many time “good manners” are necessary to smooth the wheels of social intercourse, however, sometimes the Ps use our fear of a social snafu or gaffe to push us into a corner, thinking we will not “act out in public.”
Even little Kids catch on to this pretty quick, thinking they can get away with things in public that they would never be able to get away with at home. LOL
Ps push our personal space to the limit thinking that we will not “make a scene” in public and embarass ourselves. (of course they would be embarassed about anything. But I have news for folks now—-I do what is appropriate where ever the place is, with the LEAST AMOUNT OF PUBLIC FUSS possible, but I do not sit there like I am chained down. NOPE. NO way. Never again.
If you find out someone is mouthing off behind your back, get the person he said it to in to the same room with him and the person who told you (if they are not the same) and say “John, I heard from Joe that you told Fred X about me….is this true?”
So he has got to call fred a liar in front of fred,, and lie and say No in front of Joe and joe knows its a lie…..no way to wiggle out of that one gracefully.
If it is important enough to confront. Most of them aren’t but I have found that the few times it was important enough to confront and I did not, it cost me dearly! So won’t do that again. Pick my battles but the ones I need to do I will.
I only saw the movie. I didn’t quite get that much out of it, just kind of a message about bending the rules according to a situation the rule-makers never envisioned. In that case, it was about abortion in the case of a woman who was in trouble.