Aren’t sociopaths supposed to be rule-breakers? Isn’t this a main indicator of their sociopathy? If so, then what’s up with sociopaths when they’re following, not breaking, the rules?
Hmm. This appears to be confusing, but then again, is it really?
Perhaps it’s oversimplistic to see sociopaths as incapable of following rules? In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that sociopaths will break rules; they will violate boundaries; they will hurt and violate others with a startling—indeed sociopathic—lack of accountability and conscience.
The sociopath, I think we can say reasonably, will inevitably transgress others, and he will transgress them heartlessly.
However, when we compress the grand scheme of things into something less grand—for instance, day to day, week to week, month to month, even for longer periods—things may be different. When we break down time into shorter periods, we discover that sociopaths, much like many individuals gripped by compulsive, addictive tendencies, often possess the capacity, at least temporarily, to suppress their inclinations—in the sociopath’s case, his inclination to violate and exploit.
Otherwise, how would the sociopath manage, as often as he does, to operate so effectively undetected, or under-detected? In other words, if sociopaths couldn’t, and didn’t, follow rules; indeed, follow many rules—social rules, legal rules, interpersonal rules, employment rules—then there could be no such thing as the sociopath’s “mask?”
Because the sociopath’s mask, ironically, is dependent on, supported by, his capacity to follow rules.
The sociopath’s mask, in a certain sense, is precisely this—the social, legal and interpersonal conventions and rules he follows between, or in simultaneity with, his violating, exploitive behaviors.
His mask is his capacity to follow enough rules, enough of the time, to “blend in,” to seem normal and well-adjusted, to cast himself as among the least likely suspects to be perpetrating the transgressions he perpetrates while operating behind the mask.
And so there is a certain irony here. Yes, the sociopath, in the greater scheme of things, is a rule-breaker, a transgressor with a seriously defective conscience. And yet, at least in many cases, in the smaller scheme of things, he is a good enough rule follower to abet the construction of the very mask behind which he unconscionably violates, or surely will unconscionably violate, his victim(s).
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Dear Kim,
Yes, great read! Right now I am reading a book on pre-revolution American rules and laws, which were made by the rich FOR the rich of course. LOL On land grants, a guy could get 500 acres per grant in VA around 1700 for a tiny price, if he had more than 5 slaves, though, he could get a couple of hundred more acres for EACH grant (I can’t find that there were limits on the number of grants either.) So the rich slave holders made the laws so that they could get the most grant lands per grant.
It is always the lawmakers in a country who make the laws benefiting to themselves and their friends—though occasionally they throw a “sop” to the masses to keep them quiet. LOL But then you know what I think about politicians!
Oxy, RE your above post:
Ihave 5 grand-children by my two daughters, Older daughter has one sone my oldest GC, and am enormously boded with him. Younger daughterhas four children, from sixto eighteen mos. I am well bonded with her two youngestchildren, and haverecentlyaccomplished bonding with her oldest son via attending a week long day camp with him that he would not have been able to attend without me. He’sa very shy and introvertedkid so it was fun to get to knowhim betterand see how special andunique he is….but the five year old girl and Ihave never clicked…she just plain rubs me the wrong way.
She absolutely loves men and dislikes women. My daughter says she was born that way and goes so far as to say that, E didn’t even like HER til E was a year old.
She has never wantedto hug me good-bye and has recently been ignoring me when I speak to her. Lately she’s been scowling at me and curling her lip, cuttingher eyes and just plain being contemptious.
I’ve tried on many occasions to befriend this child, and if I am the only adult in sight, I’m okay. She’ll play nice…but if there is an adult who will cater to her, (usually a man) she’ll go back to her snotty little games.
Well this really bothered me, because it’s my GC and I want to like her, but try as I might I couldn’t.
I prayed about it because I’m the adult, and should not be harboring these snotty little girl game feelings in myself.
I told my daughter that I had never really felt close to E and thought it might be nice if I singled her out to take to a movie.
During our last family get-together, E was back to her old tricks and as my younger GD was sitting on my lap, and E in another chair at the table, the baby was eyeing a cupcake. I gave it to her and asked E, “which cupcake do you want?’
There was both chocolate and vanilla. She put her chin down, looked at me through the hair covering one eye and scowled at me, refusing to answer. I persisted and asked again, still no answer, so I ignored her.
Next thing I know, her Uncle walks by and in her sweetest voice asks him for a cup-cake. He says, “which one do you want and she points to the one in the middle of the whole bunch. LOL.
Anyway, lateer my daughter announces that I had said I might like to take E to see a movie…she’s standing right there watching my every move, and I say, “No. I’ve thought better of it. She’s been sneering at me all day long, and I don’t really want to take her anymore”
Of course everyone is astounded that I could say such a thing, and certainly I’m imagining it….but they soon packed up and left.
Next day, guess who’s sick and can’t go to school? Guess who gets to care for the sick little darling? Yup. Me.
Anyway, though, the last time I saw her she walked up to me and curled her arms around my hips, smiled and hugged me.It was nice…but I’m afraid to hope it will last.
I am not ‘advertizing’ per say..
I am sharing and I share the Love’fraud info also..
I have a new great site.. with lots of great info.. and a new blog entry just went up called.. ‘Is she really my friend?’
Our sites are very compatible.
And you all will enjoy it… http://www.womenexplode.com
and when I post my site on here it goes to the Internet and drives many to Lovefraud..
we are in this for the same purpose.
Was that the perverbial SLAP upside the head…..per say?
Style – personally I find it to be “advertising” when you advertise your new blog in every post here… best of luck with your new business venture.
Dear Kim,
Your GD may be learning manipulation at an early age. Doesn’t necessarily mean she is a P or a cluster-B in the making but COULD be.
I would just call her on her manipulative behaivor so she realizes she is caught.
If she refuses to answer you about would you like a cup cake? Put the cup cakes away so she doesn’t get one at ALL.
If she pulls any manipulative stuff just pretend you don’t catch it or if you do catch it, then make sure she doesn’t get rewarded for it by someone else.
When you catch her “being good” praise her to the heavens for it. “Oh, sweetie, you are do good, you walked across the floor and didn’t fall down! GREAT GIRL!” LOL Anything you can genuinely praise her for.
But in the meantime, don’t worry too much! There’s still a chance she’s just a manipulative little wench that will grow out of it! LOL
Ox, LOL. Yeah, I hope you’re right.
I agree about picking battles, acting out in public in the smallest way possible, even if it’s acting out, etc.
I just got off the phone with someone I trust in our “group.” He was completely shocked at how I have been treated by this group leader and other S/Ps in our little movement. In fact, he shared a concern of his own. And he agreed with a policy matter I believe must change. We’re working together on it, rendering the S/P group leader irrelevant to the whole thing. He can be a part of it, or not. Either way, it’s happenin’, folks.
It turns out, S/Ps often can enforce their rules only where they are present.
Everywhere else, others will just do what they do. Outside control.
We agreed — zero tolerance for a-holes. Move past ’em, to what you really wanted to accomplish.
Thank God for little victories. And Thank God for Mike.
For what it’s worth, here’s my thought on “sociopaths who follow the rules.”
While we (I) think of a socipath as being IMMORAL, that would imply that they KNOW what morals are in the first place, to have BROKEN them. What I really think is that sociopaths are AMORAL, ie. having NO morals at all.
They have no capacity for empathy, so why would they have morals?
Sometimes, I get caught-up in the DSMIV definitions of personality disorders: Sociopaths; Borderline; Narcissistic, etc.
I wrote a paper on this topic: they are people who are incapable of seeing their reflection (or anybody else’s) in a mirror; thus, they have a fragmented sense of self.
The fact that Sociopaths offend or follow the rules seems like a misnomer. They are not capable of anything except what they want/need.
They are charming and cunning so that they get it. Then, they pull-up-stakes, change their names, etc. and leave, to repeat it all again.
I am especially thinking of you all today, because I’m getting collection letters for accounts/credit cards that M charged, and also used my license, my ssn, etc.
Does anybody know how I can deal with this? I tried to get copies of the police reports of ID theft, but of course M got them first, after I had reported her.
So now, many years later, I am still being hounded by collection agencies who don’t care (are they socipaths too?), and attorneys sending me serious letters about my “Debts.”
I sent a letter saying I’d been a victim of ID theft, but would “settle” for a third of the debt, IF they would contact the Credit bureaus and say it was ID theft.
Any other ideas? thanks!
FPT—whoa Nellie! Settle for 1/3 since it was a theft? Not on your tin type!
I would suggest that you use that $$$ to get a consult with an attorney on how to handle this but PAY them, NOT ONLY NO, BUT HELLLLLLLLLLL NO!
First off–where is YOUR SIGNATURE ON THE DOCUMENTS?
I really do think a consult with an attorney just for informational purposes might be money well spent. Maybe even hire them and you do most of the work–just tell him/her you’ll do the leg work to keep the fees down. Let us know how it turns out.