Aren’t sociopaths supposed to be rule-breakers? Isn’t this a main indicator of their sociopathy? If so, then what’s up with sociopaths when they’re following, not breaking, the rules?
Hmm. This appears to be confusing, but then again, is it really?
Perhaps it’s oversimplistic to see sociopaths as incapable of following rules? In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that sociopaths will break rules; they will violate boundaries; they will hurt and violate others with a startling—indeed sociopathic—lack of accountability and conscience.
The sociopath, I think we can say reasonably, will inevitably transgress others, and he will transgress them heartlessly.
However, when we compress the grand scheme of things into something less grand—for instance, day to day, week to week, month to month, even for longer periods—things may be different. When we break down time into shorter periods, we discover that sociopaths, much like many individuals gripped by compulsive, addictive tendencies, often possess the capacity, at least temporarily, to suppress their inclinations—in the sociopath’s case, his inclination to violate and exploit.
Otherwise, how would the sociopath manage, as often as he does, to operate so effectively undetected, or under-detected? In other words, if sociopaths couldn’t, and didn’t, follow rules; indeed, follow many rules—social rules, legal rules, interpersonal rules, employment rules—then there could be no such thing as the sociopath’s “mask?”
Because the sociopath’s mask, ironically, is dependent on, supported by, his capacity to follow rules.
The sociopath’s mask, in a certain sense, is precisely this—the social, legal and interpersonal conventions and rules he follows between, or in simultaneity with, his violating, exploitive behaviors.
His mask is his capacity to follow enough rules, enough of the time, to “blend in,” to seem normal and well-adjusted, to cast himself as among the least likely suspects to be perpetrating the transgressions he perpetrates while operating behind the mask.
And so there is a certain irony here. Yes, the sociopath, in the greater scheme of things, is a rule-breaker, a transgressor with a seriously defective conscience. And yet, at least in many cases, in the smaller scheme of things, he is a good enough rule follower to abet the construction of the very mask behind which he unconscionably violates, or surely will unconscionably violate, his victim(s).
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
GettingIt
Ouch… Can’t you change your SSN? I heard you can change SS# several times throughout your life time for a good reason.
Sad today. My Perfect son woke up in day care after his nap and beat up four kids. The teacher says there was no reason. Here we go. I am going to now live the aftermath…
He’s already so hyper-sexual, he’s off the charts. Now, the fists are going. He knows right from wrong. He also knows that nobody will beat him. SO, he has the power. His charm is off the charts too: adults can’t reprimand him because he’s so beautiful, and the kids naturally gravitate toward him with hugs and sharing. He shares none. So far we blame delayed emotional development. He now sees a PhD psychologist. Ah – oh… 🙁 My beautiful angelic baby is turning into a manipulative monster. And – no, he is not lacking in attention and love.
frontporchtalker
WOW! Y’all are really the greatest! Now I’m getting all ‘Kathy Bates’ about this whole credit crap. Thing is, they were my credit cards, but she forged my name. Discover Card, Citibank, etc. She even dyed her hair blond and used my license.
Well, I just wanted it all to be over is why I was gonna settle. But thanks to y’all, I will get an attorney.
But the thing is, all the lies, forgeries, frauds–oh and did I mention assaults, verbal abuse, etc.? I guess I was willing to pay for not having to have any more PTSD attacks.
In case you’re wondering why I leave for a spell and come back here–it’s because sometimes I can’t get past the PTSD attacks.
But when I get my butt back here, I’m really glad! Y’all are jousting and cutting-up with each other and are a force to be reckoned with! I like it when you challenge me to get angry and that you don’t let me suck it all up.
This Leo (me) (born on same day as Bill Clinton!)—I’m so busy sucking my tail, like the cowardly lioness…until y’all make me laugh! Then I remember that there IS life after a Sociopath.
So, how do I go about finding an attorney for this project? What specialty would they have? (I won’t make any jokes about attorneys!)
I love y’all.
P.S. I went to that women explode site, but I just didn’t get it. It sounded like a hallmark card to me.
okay, so I’ve got a lot of catching-up to do with your comments. So, I’m heading for the front porch!
Ox Drover
Call the bar association and ask them for a recommendation for the type of attorney. Ask around for some friends to see if the know the guy/gal
Yea, we’re just a laugh a minute, especially on saturday night about 1 a.m. LOL No where else to go but we have each other!!!! LOL
frontporchtalker
Ox,
(I’ve just read nearly all the comments now)
You wondered who said: “The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated!” (or whatever variation of that you wrote, LOL)
For 100 points, that would be: Mark Twain!~
I should be on Jeopardy! ha, ha. My humor is back!
Okay, so who wrote this: “Anybody who would have ME in their club….”
Well, the answer is?
BTW, whoever was saying that they weren’t “Bisexual,” I just wanted to add a tiny point to that:
if you’re Bi, you have twice the chances of meeting a Sociopath and twice the chances that nobody will want you in THEIR club! Ha, ha……
okay, so if you still have some vinegar (sic), how should I go about finding an attorney?
frontporchtalker
Now listen here, y’all: I’ll be back on Sat night at 1 am for the after hours club, here. (with y’all)
Did someone mention “ADHD” in their post? Well, here I am, ready to take you through a million digressions, courtesy of the Front Porch Talker!
And my novel (perfect ADHD) is called: Dot-to-Dot.
So, here are a few dots I connected while reading all your posts.
Believe it or not, my first career was as a social worker (I always choose low-paying jobs), years ago. I had the words “bleeding heart” on my sleeves.
My specialty was Child Abuse Issues, blah, blah… I saw the U Tube thing, and I’m Sorrrryyyy, but it takes more than a Baptist minister and his wife to cure a child of Being a SP! Maybe she went to one of those churches where they do “snake handling!” Then, I’d believe she was cured!……(No offense to Baptists out there!)
Lesseeee, then about ten years ago (does that date me?) I taught in the prisons for a brief stint, as an “artist in residence” (low paying). (P.S. I wasn’t IN prison, though) LOL….
Anywhoooooo, I actually met a few serial killers–actually, they were copycat killers–sitting there in my Creative Writing class in prison. One woman was the copycat for the infamous “Hillside Strangler.”
She’d come to class every day as a different Personality. She was faking multiple personality disorder. But what a great actor she was!
Unfortunately, I’ve always been a little too curious about weirdos. I guess my ability to be empathetic (like you all!, fit perfectly with their ability to be shut-down and also charming, and of course (drum roll here!)—-“Down on their luck!”
As luck would have it, they had me! My Ex, M, I met at Alanon! And, as luck would have it, she had a great sense of humor! And, as luck would have it, she was a psychopath too!
Here’s how I got stuck–she paraded as a great friend who had grown kids (I love GROWN kids)—and, she had a terrible, abusive childhood–worse than any I’d ever heard about.
Physical or Sexual abuse before the age of 3 almost guarantees a SP, and then some. Objects-Relations theory has it that that’s the age where kids develop a personality of their own, with the ability to reflect emotions. Without that, they can’t have bonds or attachments! No amount of good pastoral upbringing can change that, supposedly.
So, my ex, M, had been sexually abused by her bio father before the age of three. I remember just marveling that she appeared so normal, compared to her siblings!
Turns out, her stories were all for my benefit, so I would never dare question her about anything! Not her “disability” (fake), her RX habit (for “pain”), her disapperances (late at night) (oh but that was insomnia),
I’m a fiction writer, for Chrissakes. It sounded like a novel to me. It was really terrible, too! (a badly written novel). Plus, she had a penchant for tacky people, which I just loved too.
I didn’t dare question her!
My empathy/sympathy thermometer hit codependence level then! Of course, the real way she controlled me (or did I let her?) was through rage. I’d do anything to avoid her rage!
So, she left me several times for periods of months, maybe. THAT’S WHEN SHE CHARGED-UP MY DISCOVER CARD, MY VISA, ETC……
But I was sooooo desperate and despairing bc she left, had affairs, etc. I was just thankful she returned.
Then, things escalated. That story is for next time. Stay tuned.
I know I’ll read all your posts here!
me
Donna Andersen
Getting It –
If you haven’t read Dr. Leedom’s book, “Just Like His Father?”, do it right away. It will tell you how to parent your son. It’s available in the Lovefraud Store.
http://www.lovefraud.com/Store.html
Donna Andersen
Front Porch Talker –
About the credit cards – if you gave the cards to M to use, then you are responsible. If M took the cards and used them without your knowledge, or if M applied for cards in your name and forged your signature, you are not responsible.
Also, if you need to go to court, if you’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, according to the Americans with Disabilities Act, you are eligible for special consideration in the courtroom. To find out more, I suggest you contact Karin Huffer, who specializes in these cases. She’s author of the Legal Abuse Syndrome.
http://www.lovefraud.com/resourcesguide/profile/9/
sistersister
Frontporchtalker is right, I believe . . . S/Ps don’t have any sense of right or wrong, or even “rules.” But they have a keen sense of ours. Maybe because decent human behavior doesn’t come naturally to them, they’ve studied up on it. Monkey see, monkey do, but with no real connection to why it’s the right thing to do.
All they know is, it works: When mommy does this, she gets that from daddy. And mommy might be acting very ethically with daddy — it’s just a commonplace, everyday human exchange, with its own roadmap of rules. It’s not *blackmail.* (Like, I give up my seat for elderly people on the subway. Or a man opens a door for me and I say “thank you” and smile.) Not so with junior. Junior looks at this, sees only the surface transaction, sees what’s in it for mommy to play this “game.”
So an adult junior says, “I love you,” and it’s like putting a quarter in the pop machine, because a Coke comes out: you say “I love you too.” Maybe even a kiss. Maybe even sex. Junior tells you an earnest, painful story, shows you what a sensitive guy he is, and you melt in sympathy for him because that’s what the story was designed for. Not to tell the truth or anything. Junior has no idea what a true story is; all he ever sees is the *result* of a story. Its reward.
It’s all too familiar from my sister.
Buttons
Sistersister – super insight! Sort of boils it down to the brass tacks. Great post.
Brightest blessings.
kay777
AMAZING STORY!