Aren’t sociopaths supposed to be rule-breakers? Isn’t this a main indicator of their sociopathy? If so, then what’s up with sociopaths when they’re following, not breaking, the rules?
Hmm. This appears to be confusing, but then again, is it really?
Perhaps it’s oversimplistic to see sociopaths as incapable of following rules? In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that sociopaths will break rules; they will violate boundaries; they will hurt and violate others with a startling—indeed sociopathic—lack of accountability and conscience.
The sociopath, I think we can say reasonably, will inevitably transgress others, and he will transgress them heartlessly.
However, when we compress the grand scheme of things into something less grand—for instance, day to day, week to week, month to month, even for longer periods—things may be different. When we break down time into shorter periods, we discover that sociopaths, much like many individuals gripped by compulsive, addictive tendencies, often possess the capacity, at least temporarily, to suppress their inclinations—in the sociopath’s case, his inclination to violate and exploit.
Otherwise, how would the sociopath manage, as often as he does, to operate so effectively undetected, or under-detected? In other words, if sociopaths couldn’t, and didn’t, follow rules; indeed, follow many rules—social rules, legal rules, interpersonal rules, employment rules—then there could be no such thing as the sociopath’s “mask?”
Because the sociopath’s mask, ironically, is dependent on, supported by, his capacity to follow rules.
The sociopath’s mask, in a certain sense, is precisely this—the social, legal and interpersonal conventions and rules he follows between, or in simultaneity with, his violating, exploitive behaviors.
His mask is his capacity to follow enough rules, enough of the time, to “blend in,” to seem normal and well-adjusted, to cast himself as among the least likely suspects to be perpetrating the transgressions he perpetrates while operating behind the mask.
And so there is a certain irony here. Yes, the sociopath, in the greater scheme of things, is a rule-breaker, a transgressor with a seriously defective conscience. And yet, at least in many cases, in the smaller scheme of things, he is a good enough rule follower to abet the construction of the very mask behind which he unconscionably violates, or surely will unconscionably violate, his victim(s).
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
pollyannanomore – You hit it on the nose when you said this:
I think they LISTEN and encourage us to spill our guts about everything we’ve experienced and struggled with ”“ this then gives them leverage over us in the future. For example if you’ve disclosed a teenage trauma and subsequent depression ”“ he’ll use that as a weapon against you if you complain about his behaviour. EG he’ll say it’s all a problem with your perception and the depression must be back again. Any opportunity to blame us is what they seek.
I notice while getting us to disclose all our deep dark secrets, thoughts and feelings, they rarrely reciprocate ”“ it’s all one sided and simply stored as testimony or evidence for later.
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He was always calling or texting me or emailing proclaiming that he wanted to know how “I felt” my feelings were always at issue. If I was strong that day, it was a bad day for him because I was not putting up with him. If it was a weak day, well he was my saviour only to turn on me when I was stronger again. Amazing to see how they all function on treating people as their prey. They prey on good people because bad people can sense their own kind quickly and they won’t get very far with a person like that. They don’t like strong willed people because they can’t con them.
Thanks for the compliment. I learned it all here. 🙂
kay777
just reading what you say about using our stories, our struggles as leverage later…it’s gut wrenching…really….The P would listen to me but NEVER reciprocate with his stories….I tried to draw him out but I got a frustrated angry response…”that is past, over …that’s it! that is a big red flag if they wont talk about their past in a way that is sensible and integrated…having learnt from experiences….”…….. I wish I could punch him square in the jaw…he is a hideous piece of work….he not only listened to my woes but acted out the exact same one in my face and made off with my money….just like the person I was telling him about…duped and duped again….He is a despicable bastard and I wish him eternal damnation…when I looked up his username and what it meant in his language…he told me it was a mild swear word…but it was
“Damned”…yes he knew it…he didnt care…he was proud of being Demonic…it turned him on and always will…he was a Demon energy and I mean complete filth of the lowest kind…
Bulletproof {{hugs}} Yepper – that seems to be the modus operandii of all spaths. They learn what they can about their targets and the targets’ past, and use every bit of that information as a tool of manipulation. The people are unique, the past experiences are unique, but the TECHNIQUE and PATTERN is status quo for the spath.
Brightest blessings!
Buttons ..I always feel blessed to get one of your hugs…thank you…your words undo the damage and I love you for that…lets keep on undoing the damage!!!xxx
FPT, It was one of the Marx brothers, Groucho, I think! I have CRS so bad about names and it causes me to not remember the authors of various quotes. I have read all of Mark Twain’s writings at least once and some more than once. He was wonderful! My swiss cheese memory drives me bonkes! Son D (who also has PTSD from being in the plane crash 6 yrs ago) has swiss cheese memory too, and we communicate in incomplete sentences with missing words, but we were saying to each other today, at least we still communicate and neither of us thinks the other is retarded!!!! LOL ROTFLMAO
It is frustrating when I can’t find a word…and it doesn’t make any difference if it is a small word like “tree” or a huge word, I can “see” the object in my brain, but not the word that represents it….sometimes it comes in a few seconds’ delay other times not at all. I just have to shurg and go on. I know to “normal” people that I talk to it sounds like I’ve had a stroke or have dementia or something. I am BETTER at typing words (though I do often forget how to spelll them or use “here” for “hear” whichh PRE-PTSD I would not have done.)
Realizing and accepting that I am DIFFERENT now has been difficult for me to accomplish but I am workingn on it.
as we age…We think we are losing our sight…but I think we are beginning to see differently…the focus is just different!
And we think we are losing our memory…when really we are just remembering that it does not really matter..
We think we are wrinkled, delapidated and fat when really we are dissolving in this form and preparing for being spirit again!!
Some people as they age are not wrinkled, delapidated and fat, they are fit, sharp and energetic..
so are they not dissloving their form preparing to become ‘spirit’ again?
Perhaps, they will enter spirit fit and ready…
But certianly as we live long and have experinces, we see differnetly and in my opinion more clearly. As we can see what is really important and straight through those full of agenda.
Bullet, a friend of mine says that our eye sight going as our wrinkles appear is God’s mercy LOL
Well, I saw Joan Rivers the other day (after all her plastic surgery) and she looks like plastic doll her skin is so UN wrinkled. LOL I’ve seen several “stars” whose plastic surgery has made them so bad it is laughable, so I think I will just take what nature gave me and I squandered…youth wasted on the young, as it were, but you know, I am glorying in my normal and natural aging, and also realize that a lot of people younger than I am are on the wrong side of the dirt so, physical beauty and health doesn’t last forever I know that, but inner beauty and peace is much much more important than the shell.
It isn’t the beauty of the bottle that is important with the wine, but how the wine ages inside. I don’t intend to become vinegar!@....... The bottle is just what holds the important part together.
I spent the day on the beach (perfect day) with my bestest friend and of course, my girls. My g/f has been married 17 yrs and has two young teens. Her husband is FBI and is ready to retire. They’ve had their ups and downs through the years but he is a good father and provider and makes good money.
Well, he wants to move his mother into their home half a year and his sister will keep her half a year. She is mentally disabled and my g/f can’t stand her “long visits” ( months at a time) but had to bear with it since she lived out of state.
Now he said “its time” and she needs to move in. He is retiring in a few months. (he’s 49 yrs old..she’s 38). It is causing a giant problem, since my g/f doesn’t want to care for her for the next 20 yrs. So, she told him that he is choosing his mother over her!
Well, calm nice guy is now pulling a “Mel Gibson” on her…has threatened her to not get any money, called her every vulgar name…the “c” word, etc…! I am shocked. She is hurt and angry. He has turned cold as ice and calls her uncompassionate, cold, gold digger, etc….and won’t talk to her.
So, they aren’t talking and she wants to file divorce. I can’t imagine him getting physically violent with her…but I can’t imagine him even saying these hurtful things to her.
So, just a story to show that you NEVER know…..
I told her to stay put and not file divorce, and just wait until he moves her in and “he” takes care of her, showers her, cleans up her “mess” and changes her depends diaper!!!
But, then again, I don’t want to be responsible if he does get violent and beats her up.
Once again, the kids are all involved and upset too….the daughter is siding with her,…her son, who is “annoyed” by the grandma is confused and doesn’t want to live there with her either.
What a mess! He’s NOT a sociopath, but he is really acting “out of character” about the entire situation…
I feel so badly for her….