Aren’t sociopaths supposed to be rule-breakers? Isn’t this a main indicator of their sociopathy? If so, then what’s up with sociopaths when they’re following, not breaking, the rules?
Hmm. This appears to be confusing, but then again, is it really?
Perhaps it’s oversimplistic to see sociopaths as incapable of following rules? In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that sociopaths will break rules; they will violate boundaries; they will hurt and violate others with a startling—indeed sociopathic—lack of accountability and conscience.
The sociopath, I think we can say reasonably, will inevitably transgress others, and he will transgress them heartlessly.
However, when we compress the grand scheme of things into something less grand—for instance, day to day, week to week, month to month, even for longer periods—things may be different. When we break down time into shorter periods, we discover that sociopaths, much like many individuals gripped by compulsive, addictive tendencies, often possess the capacity, at least temporarily, to suppress their inclinations—in the sociopath’s case, his inclination to violate and exploit.
Otherwise, how would the sociopath manage, as often as he does, to operate so effectively undetected, or under-detected? In other words, if sociopaths couldn’t, and didn’t, follow rules; indeed, follow many rules—social rules, legal rules, interpersonal rules, employment rules—then there could be no such thing as the sociopath’s “mask?”
Because the sociopath’s mask, ironically, is dependent on, supported by, his capacity to follow rules.
The sociopath’s mask, in a certain sense, is precisely this—the social, legal and interpersonal conventions and rules he follows between, or in simultaneity with, his violating, exploitive behaviors.
His mask is his capacity to follow enough rules, enough of the time, to “blend in,” to seem normal and well-adjusted, to cast himself as among the least likely suspects to be perpetrating the transgressions he perpetrates while operating behind the mask.
And so there is a certain irony here. Yes, the sociopath, in the greater scheme of things, is a rule-breaker, a transgressor with a seriously defective conscience. And yet, at least in many cases, in the smaller scheme of things, he is a good enough rule follower to abet the construction of the very mask behind which he unconscionably violates, or surely will unconscionably violate, his victim(s).
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Taking care of elderly is a dedicated job.
When I hear of these situations…..it makes me glad my parents are such assholes…….you get what you give…..
When I bought this house (with spath)…..one of the attractions was that it had an apt. that would make a great apt. for an elderly person….it has a nice little kitchen, walk in shower, nice bedroom and a great livingroom witha great view….It’s actually my favorite room in the house.
NOW…..i’d rather take the rent!
I’m sorry your girlfriend is being hacked on……maybe it’s a blessing in disguise…….afterall…..gramma could live a lonnnnnng time…..and if she get’s out now….she won’t have to deal with either gramma OR the retired ASSHOLE!
I just hate to see them break up, but he IS wrong to expect her to care for his mother for the next “who knows” how many years!
WOW! What a situation.
A husband (partner? NOT!) making a unilateral decision to move in his mother 6 months out of the year when mom is confused and in need of care doens’t sound like a “loving spouse” to me.
My MIL lived with us almost 10 years at MY desire, she could have lived alone but I enjoyed her so invited her to live with us and we got along great! Both of us enjjoying it. However, when she got a couple of small strokes and her mind went, she decided I was the “anti-christ” and it didn’t work any more, she hated me, but I knew it was not “her” but her damaged brain. But I couldn’t live with it any more and she went to live with her granddaughters that she had raised (she wasn’t so oppositional with them) but my husband was 100% behind me on this….as ANY husband should be.
My step-dad’s witchy mom lived with us for a while after she was widowed and she was nasty to my egg donor, so OUT she went, and that is how it should be.
As far as my egg donor, she’s on her own now, like EB’s, she took away my power of attorney (supposedly to punish me and make me beg to have it back LOL) but I realized it FREED me,, because without the authority to care for her or see her medical records, etc. I NO LONGER HAD THE RESPONSIBILITY.
You know too, it might be that this FBI guy who is about to retire may have had a GF all along, OR he may be JUST LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO MAKE HIS WIFE FILE FOR DIVORCE…..boy am I suspicious of people’s motives now? It might NOT be about the mother at all.
Anyway, the wife can just sit tight, and let the husband move mother in and then refuse to care for mother, and let HIM do it. SOME passive aggressive resistance there. MIGHT be the best way.
The MEL GIBSON name calling though makes me think he has had a VERY well maintained mask all along and the MG persona may be the REAL HIM! Remember, law enforcement guys tend to be high in P traits.
Tobehappy,
I would be pissed too if my wife didn’t want anything to do with taking care of my mother who is disabled. And he at least wanted this to be shared half and half with the sister. Not everyone wants to put their parents in a home after all they put up with your dirty diapers. The name calling isn’t right though.
Thanks for your responses….its a tough call, I guess.
The problem is that they have fought over her “long visits” since the beginning of their marriage. But, she always “had” no choice. He KNOWS that she despises being around the mom, and so do the kids. Evidently, she is very annoying and sneaky too…and plays dumb alot.
So, their marriage is now ‘challenged’. I recommended sitting with a counselor….a professional. Then take it from there. But, she feels that he will not respond well and he is hard headed about it all. She feels that he doesn’t really love her, if he doesn’t “care” about HER happiness at this point in their life when the kids are older and they could have a lot of time together, since he is retiring. P.S. He plans to work P/T and he is pushing her to use her teaching degree and go out and teach. She feels he is setting her up…doesn’t want to pay alimony! ……So confusing!
Tobehappy,
I admit I know nothing of these people, but I hope it all works out. People shouldn’t quit their marriage if they feel it is worth working on. Hopefully they will consider each others feelings more, but then life would be so much easier then. The sad part is that most people don’t, and overrract about everything. Or they refuse to let little things go instead of thinking that their spouse invested much of their life and love in the first place.
Well, I would hate to see them break up. As I said, this has been an ongoing problem, since day one….when she married him…she was very young…early twenties.
I always tried to push her to work things out, since he was a good provider and father and hard worker. The “family” always bothered her and I tried to tell her that no r/s is perfect and to not get so upset about the family involvemnt.
He seemed like a “good guy” compared to what I was married to…a real sociopath…professionally diagnosed. He never bothered her about the meals or clean house or money..but now its all coming out …in anger…NOT nice at all!
It really shocked me…to hear him say things that he said! He sounded like my xhusb….”You’re living off of me, you’ll get nothing because I’ll spend all of the money….you are a terrible mother…etc..etc. I NEVER thought I’d hear those words out of her husband’s mouth!
So, we never know! I just thought that this was one man on this earth who was decent and loyal and devoted and not abusive. So, I am disillusioned now.
I am happy NOT to be living with a man at this point in my life…raising my girls the way that I want to..not having to fight over money….making the decisions myself. If only he would just pay the court ordered support. But, as he threatened me…”I will haunt you forever”….this is how he is doing just that. So, I have figured out a way to live without his 1300/month, and I’m glad he is not in my girl’s lives. One good parent is better than two parents fighting and arguing. My claim to fame is that I have 3 beautiful, happy, smart, well adjusted daughters…who are only getting better as they get older. And, I’ve done it alone….as a single parent. I’m proud to say this.
I just hope that my g/f makes the right decision and follows h heart. I heard on the radio tonite that new studies show that the average yrs of marriage is now 12….then it breaks down, however, only one quarter is from infidelity. 3/4 is from growing apart….changes in circumstances…etc. Interesting…..
Excellent analysis. Right on! The ability to follow rules is like the leopard’s spots…they allow the predator to blend in, stalk until ready, and attack when he knows it’s safe.
I cringe as I remember e-mailing the P and I said I would dedicate the rest of my life to getting him, that he won’t get away with it and I am taking him to court…..(I never did…..)
He robbed a large amount of money and really messed me up on every level. But he could show that e-mail to people as proof of how crazy I am…what a fool to have sent it….I was murderously angry and it just plays right into their hooves, as they can now show you are crazy scorned bitter biotch….
I had to walk away because I could feel the nastiness was now IN ME and I was hysterical with rage….and in that rage I was most vulnerable because he would twist it all back so calmly that it was all my own fault for “letting him”….people driven to this…maybe Mel Gibson….I dont know….may just be gaslighted into a frenzy but look like a psychopath
BulletProof, I agree. Mel is being played by a well oiled Spath. I believe Mel is a N, but, I believe he’s out of his league with this female predator.
My female boss did this to me. Set me up and wanted everyone to watch the fireworks as I acted out against her evil deeds. I never did. I was quiet on everything she and the rest of those psycho managers did to me … and believe me, they threw the book at me. From breaking into my home and stealing what they wanted (even evidence to my case). Destroying my vehicle while I was parked on company property. Demoting me time and time again. Took away my computer capabilities by graying out all the button options to use the computer (I had to program in code anything I needed to get done), book case, chair, telephone, any office equipment … you name it, all those managers helped do me in. Destroyed my reputation and accused me of everything from A-Z. Ordered my co-workers not to speak or associate with me and I saw months after this start, my female Spath boss had all this in writing in minutes to her meetings. I had to endure her wrath for 6 years. She had every manager and every supervisor against me, along with my co-workers. It was beyond a painful experience for all those years and my voice was never heard … I only got to speak about some of what they did to me during my depositions because their attorneys only knew their side to what happened.
Of course all the bosses and supervisor’s played the victim card … stating I was the threat. How in the world can a subordinate be a threat to top managers and supervisors in a company? Get a grip with all these lies and illusions these Spaths come up with.
To this day … even though those managers/supervisors and some of their cronies can no longer work where we worked … they were slapped on the wrist … went on to other organizations that just took them all in … no questions asked, they never missed a beat in their lives.
Our courts either don’t comprehend how vicious and destructive these anti-social personalities are … or don’t care! As a victim, I got victimized over and over again. For what? For them not to make changes and ensure subordinates have a safe place to report they are subjected to be overseen by a Spath!