Aren’t sociopaths supposed to be rule-breakers? Isn’t this a main indicator of their sociopathy? If so, then what’s up with sociopaths when they’re following, not breaking, the rules?
Hmm. This appears to be confusing, but then again, is it really?
Perhaps it’s oversimplistic to see sociopaths as incapable of following rules? In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that sociopaths will break rules; they will violate boundaries; they will hurt and violate others with a startling—indeed sociopathic—lack of accountability and conscience.
The sociopath, I think we can say reasonably, will inevitably transgress others, and he will transgress them heartlessly.
However, when we compress the grand scheme of things into something less grand—for instance, day to day, week to week, month to month, even for longer periods—things may be different. When we break down time into shorter periods, we discover that sociopaths, much like many individuals gripped by compulsive, addictive tendencies, often possess the capacity, at least temporarily, to suppress their inclinations—in the sociopath’s case, his inclination to violate and exploit.
Otherwise, how would the sociopath manage, as often as he does, to operate so effectively undetected, or under-detected? In other words, if sociopaths couldn’t, and didn’t, follow rules; indeed, follow many rules—social rules, legal rules, interpersonal rules, employment rules—then there could be no such thing as the sociopath’s “mask?”
Because the sociopath’s mask, ironically, is dependent on, supported by, his capacity to follow rules.
The sociopath’s mask, in a certain sense, is precisely this—the social, legal and interpersonal conventions and rules he follows between, or in simultaneity with, his violating, exploitive behaviors.
His mask is his capacity to follow enough rules, enough of the time, to “blend in,” to seem normal and well-adjusted, to cast himself as among the least likely suspects to be perpetrating the transgressions he perpetrates while operating behind the mask.
And so there is a certain irony here. Yes, the sociopath, in the greater scheme of things, is a rule-breaker, a transgressor with a seriously defective conscience. And yet, at least in many cases, in the smaller scheme of things, he is a good enough rule follower to abet the construction of the very mask behind which he unconscionably violates, or surely will unconscionably violate, his victim(s).
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Learning, they crave to destroy what they, themselves, cannot ever, ever, EVER have: empathy. And, their favorite targets are those people who wear their emotions out on their sleeves. The “good” people and the “caring” people are their targets. You never hear about a spath going to a gangster to borrow money, do you? Of course not! They’ll go to the little old lady or the lonely man, give the cursory attention they deem fit until they get what they want, and WHAMMO…….they disappear like a fart in a windstorm.
The former spath friend was so adept at drawing out a person’s weaknesses and past issues that she dealt with several different people in the area using a different MO with each one, according to their past histories. And, she did it with incredible ease – seamlessly moving from person to person, and none of us meeting one another to discuss anything!
As an example, the one business owner-slash-former-victim is diminutive in physical size, practices a non-violent spiritual regime, was never married (and, desperately wants a partner), and never had children. The spath woman told the business owner that she had spent time in prison for beating a black girl (she HAD to define a race) so badly that the phantom victim “will be shitting in a bag for the rest of her life.”
With me, the spath woman tried to explain 32 counts of Theft by Deception as being deliberate medical insurance errors.
Still others have been told various stories, and NONE of them jibes with another.
Drinking in weaknesses: the spath woman knows that she will never be kicked out of her step-father’s and mother’s home, no matter HOW many times she abuses their credit, takes their money, insults them, lies, etc. The step-father is approaching 80 and in poor health – he can’t do the things that he once could and is in constant physical distress (negativity in that house, perhaps?). The spath’s “abusive” mother is in terrible physical condition, as well. SO – why would the homeowners kick out young, strong bodies that are able to get the hard work done around the property? The spath woman knows this, intuitively, and milks it for all it’s worth. Many, many times the spath woman would shout to her mother, “F*CK YOU! SHUT THE F*CK UP!” and constantly talk about how she couldn’t wait until her mother died……EVEN after I told her how those statements disgusted me. “Yeah, but you don’t understand….I was horribly abused by her as a child….” blah, blah, blah
These people seem to drink in an empathetic person’s vulnerabilities and process those weaknesses to their fullest advantage, no matter WHAT they might be. That, in my most humble opinion, is why boundaries are so daggoned important. I will NEVER AGAIN tell someone that I am a Survivor of domestic violence and abuse if the topic ever comes up. That’s precisely what the spath woman honed in on – victim – abuse – empathy – hypersensitivity – the whole nine yards.
BOUNDARIES!!
Brightest blessings!
Button, good post.
Yes, after the shock is over … keep our stories to ourselves when meeting and greeting new folks.
Wini, precisely – give out NOTHING. I told the businesswoman that I never wanted to hear her say that she was lonely, EVER again. And, that she was to consider it a taboo comment in discussion, always – that’s what the spath woman honed in on: give her attention, call her “my best friend in the world,” and hit her up for some cash.
Boundaries.
Oxy, good post. I always could see the female predator Spaths and I understand that men can pick out the male predator Spaths. It’s when we get romantically involved is when the signals get crossed.
I remember about 2 or 3 years after I bought my home. My best friend was thinking of getting a divorce and we were planning on her being my room mate.
One cloudy afternoon she stopped over. She needed to go out again and mail letters at the post office to get the post date on her bills. As she left she saw 2 guys (dressed all in black) walk by my house. I was in the house at the time and didn’t see them. When she drove off, I went outside, opened the garage doors and brought out a rake and grass seeds to seed the lawn between the sidewalk and the street. I was on my knees raking (it was a hand rake) … the dirt and spreading the seeds. I went down my driveway again to get the garden house for watering the areas that needed the seeds. At this time my friend arrived back and got out of her car, heading towards my front door … when she stopped to talk with me watering the areas I just seeded. Long story short, a few houses away are the two guys in black … walking toward where I was working. I stood up … which seemed to shock one of the guys. Both of them had dead eyes, just starring at us. One guy on my friend and the other at me. They walked around me and the next thing I know, they went on the side of my car (which was parked at the top of the driveway). I said “Excuse me!” “Excuse me, you’re walking on private property”. One of the guy’s said “Is this such and such a number”. I said “No, you’re at the wrong location … get off my property”. One guy walked back to the street and the other guy was talking to my friend … as he stood to the side of the front of my vehicle. Next thing I know, my friend is throwing her pocket book at him. I was floored … and I started yelling and running after them. They ran like rabbits over my neighbor’s lawn … turned the corner. There was a jogger who stopped and he starts yelling at them too. They jumped into a waiting car … and the driver (3rd person waiting for them) zig zagged down the street so we couldn’t get a license number.
I walked back to my house and my friend has my phone in her hand talking with the police. She got off the phone and said … they had a gun. I said “when were you going to tell me?” She said she tried but I started running after them screaming. I said “Blank, you could scream THEY HAVE A GUN at the top of your lungs” … I would have heard you.
Long story short … they were casing our neighborhood. Most likely wanted to break into many of the homes there … but, since it was a cloudy day … most people were home and their day of robbing houses was a bust … except for stealing my girlfriends pocket book.
I’ll never forget the looks of these guys. To this day, I can see them both clearly in my minds eye. What was strange is both guys were very good looking. Both guys had manicured finger nails. Both had brand new black jeans, black sneakers, black shirts … all brand new … so there were no animal hair on their home clothes, or fibers etc. These guys were professional thieves. I can imagine them being in suits during the week and on weekend robbing homes because they probably had drug addictions and needed the sideline of robbing others to survive.
They sized us up. Me out there raking and not holding a pocket book and my friend having her pocket book on her shoulders. My front door was wide open and they could have gone into the house and robbed me … yet, they had no clue who they would encounter in the home … so they opted for the quick hit of the pocketbook and ran.
Spooky. You bet. The cops arrived within 3 minutes of the call due to my friend saying they had a gun. Cops always arrive immediately if there is a weapon involved.
Buttons, you are so correct. All new people who meet me these days constantly say to friends of mine “Wini is nice, … but, we just can’t get a handle on what she’s all about”. Good. Why would you need to know my life’s story, you just met me? I tell my friends don’t say a word to anyone what I went through with work or my EX.
Holy cats, Wini – you both were very lucky that day! Your guardian angel must have been running after those idiots ahead of you!
Yes – the past is a taboo subject. My husband and I discuss our pasts in reference to how we might be reacting, today, but I’m keeping my Self, to myself! 😉
Buttons, I know we were lucky. I believe they were going for the house scores that day, not some lady’s pocketbook. That’s why they left us alone … irked that the majority of folks were home on a summer weekend. Too many people around for them to do what they planned on doing.
Yes, my Christian friends are constantly trying to get me out to socialize. Church dances, church picnics, church revivals (LOL). I tell them, NO thanks. NO thanks. NO thanks. Eventually they come around and ask me why I say NO all the time to their invites. I tell them that I have an entire phone book of names of Ash holes that I know … I don’t need to go out there and meet NEW ones.
Does anybody have any insight as to the manicured nails?
My S did that, but in my naivete, I still don’t get why – I doubt it’s for fashion.
Help?
Amay61, manicured nails on men (buffed to a high polish too) … sounds like part of their ego trip.
They also had perfect haircuts.
The reason I carry a gun, wini is because a cop is way too heavy, and besides, when seconds count, the cops are only MINUTES away. And that is NO JOKE about guns. That’s also why I don’t like living in town, way more crooks per square mile than out here in the country. At least there are only about 15 people in the square mile I live in (640 acres) so each of us has about a 1/4 mile square in which to live, like a BIG city block. Not too densely packed.
Yea, wini, I can imagine that was a hair raising feeling seeing them and then finding out they did have a gun. At least they did run!