Aren’t sociopaths supposed to be rule-breakers? Isn’t this a main indicator of their sociopathy? If so, then what’s up with sociopaths when they’re following, not breaking, the rules?
Hmm. This appears to be confusing, but then again, is it really?
Perhaps it’s oversimplistic to see sociopaths as incapable of following rules? In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that sociopaths will break rules; they will violate boundaries; they will hurt and violate others with a startling—indeed sociopathic—lack of accountability and conscience.
The sociopath, I think we can say reasonably, will inevitably transgress others, and he will transgress them heartlessly.
However, when we compress the grand scheme of things into something less grand—for instance, day to day, week to week, month to month, even for longer periods—things may be different. When we break down time into shorter periods, we discover that sociopaths, much like many individuals gripped by compulsive, addictive tendencies, often possess the capacity, at least temporarily, to suppress their inclinations—in the sociopath’s case, his inclination to violate and exploit.
Otherwise, how would the sociopath manage, as often as he does, to operate so effectively undetected, or under-detected? In other words, if sociopaths couldn’t, and didn’t, follow rules; indeed, follow many rules—social rules, legal rules, interpersonal rules, employment rules—then there could be no such thing as the sociopath’s “mask?”
Because the sociopath’s mask, ironically, is dependent on, supported by, his capacity to follow rules.
The sociopath’s mask, in a certain sense, is precisely this—the social, legal and interpersonal conventions and rules he follows between, or in simultaneity with, his violating, exploitive behaviors.
His mask is his capacity to follow enough rules, enough of the time, to “blend in,” to seem normal and well-adjusted, to cast himself as among the least likely suspects to be perpetrating the transgressions he perpetrates while operating behind the mask.
And so there is a certain irony here. Yes, the sociopath, in the greater scheme of things, is a rule-breaker, a transgressor with a seriously defective conscience. And yet, at least in many cases, in the smaller scheme of things, he is a good enough rule follower to abet the construction of the very mask behind which he unconscionably violates, or surely will unconscionably violate, his victim(s).
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Oxy, when I look back at that day … my chasing them like jack rabbits across my neighbor’s lawn … I thought to myself … what was I doing?
It reminded me of a Monty Python Movie … especially the one with the guy that had sea shells … clicking them as he pretended he was galloping on a horse.
I had nothing, but acting like what? That I did? … as I shouted THIEF, HELP THEY JUST ROBBED US … HELP … GET THE LICENSE NUMBER! … I might as well shouted “you poo poo head”. Daaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Oxy, I agree. Smith and Wesson should be everyone’s best friends.
When I was first married with two small boys, one nite someone knocked on the door like 3 in the morning. My wife jumped up and ran to the door and opened it thinking it was family I guess. This ruff lookin women, looked like a man asked if she could use the phone because her car had broke down..I said no we dont have a phone ( i lied) and I have a gun, I was holding my unloaded shotgun at my side and asked her to leave, she said I have a gun too! Well we shut the door and she walked around behind the house and got in her car and drove off slowly, even stopping a few times. We lived way out in the country. I called the sherrif and he said if she was gone there was nothing he could do..I went out where her car was parked and there was a pile of cig butts on both sides of where the car was…I still think of that nite and remember how scared I was and I think we came very close to being killed…
Henry,
Once about 2-3 a.m. when I was going to college I lived in this little house on the hhill up over a very busy N-S highway, there was a knock on the back door. I kept my little .38 S/W up on top of the fridge and As I went to the door I scooped it off.
My back porch was about 3 steps up from the ground and when I opened the door, here was a guy standing there at eye level with my navel and my .38. His eyes got wide and he said “I need some water for my car it boiled over” He had a couple of jugs in his hand, and I pointed to a hose and hose bib and said, there it is, get what you need. And he did, but really at that time of night you can EXPECT most country folks to meet you at the door armed.
Generally the crime rate around here is pretty low as long as you leave the meth heads alone and don’t go after the Red neck’s women you’re pretty safe. We did have some local thugs in the area, three kids that were THE trouble. Two back in prison and one dead—his mom was the only one at the funeral sad, the rest of us just wanted to make sure he was really dead. Things are kind of quiet around here, but with all the “oil field trash” in the area now, lots of folks don’t speak English and are pretty rough looking, acting and talking. Out on the farm I carry openly so there is NO doubt about the fact I am packing. Plus, I want to have something handy if I run into that water mocossin again, that sucker was huge! Just outside the front door and by the time I got something he was gone. Star would probably boink me for killing him, but she’ll just have to do it cause if I get the chance that is one dead snake! Killed 3 of the sobs last year in the front yard. I’m almost ready to fill in that pond west of the house I think it attracts them.
Dateline had a good show tonight about a young doctor that was killed by his psychopath GF that he tried to dump. She escaped to canada and they let her out on bond up there for like 2+ years and when she was going to be brought back to the states, she killed herself and his year old baby by drowning. The man’s father and mother were devastated and raked the Canadian system over the coals—don’t guess they are any better than the US family courts.
Henry, well you know she was lying to you about her car breaking down. Since, it started up when she decided to leave. But the car stopping a few times bothers me … she could have had car trouble. But, why have a gun and why tell you she has a gun?
Yes, I think you showing her the shotgun at your side saved all your lives.
Life is stranger than fiction.
Peace.
One Step – yes in my case too the worse the behaviour got the louder the proclamations of goodness were – good point there. ANd I was so distracted by the words, that I couldn’t figure out why he seemed to have this anomaly of bad behaviour that didn’t belong in a good person. That puzzle (or rather way of looking at it) kept me there a long time trying to solve the riddle. I wondered if he was sick, depressed, homesick, melancholy – I even wondered if he was possessed or haunted or if he was cursed. It just didn’t seem to fit that someone who proclaimed undying love could repeatedly do things to hurt the one they claimd to love. Of course now it makes complete sense – the words were fake and false and the character uttering them was created to fool me and to provide cover for the real character who I saw in the bad behaviours.
Frank Lee – everyone who writes about them notes the predatory stare. I’m not sure if they’re psychic or mind readers … I”ll need to think about that. I definitely think they recognise each other. He had an acquaintance years ago that he took an instant dislike to but wouldn’t explain why. I’ve since seen that guy doing the predatory stare at other women and his behaviour shows definite cluster b symptoms.
I think they LISTEN and encourage us to spill our guts about everything we’ve experienced and struggled with – this then gives them leverage over us in the future. For example if you’ve disclosed a teenage trauma and subsequent depression – he’ll use that as a weapon against you if you complain about his behaviour. EG he’ll say it’s all a problem with your perception and the depression must be back again. Any opportunity to blame us is what they seek.
I notice while getting us to disclose all our deep dark secrets, thoughts and feelings, they rarrely reciprocate – it’s all one sided and simply stored as testimony or evidence for later. I remember one night he was asking me about certain things that had happened in my life and I found it strange that he didn’t contribute to the conversation – respond with what he thought about it or share any similar isntances from his own life. It was as though he were interrogating me for a police report. He smiled and said “I’m just listening to you.” I guess looking back he couldn’t have shared from his own perspective as he has no inner being and doesn’t experience emotions in normal ways.
Re your question about them banging into us from all around the world. Well I think there’s a fairly simple explanation for that and I’m not sure it has to do with past lives (it might do but I’m not sure of it). I think the main reason is that we’re now aflood with technology that enables easy communication across the net with anyone no matter where they live. The internet is the perfect playground for sociopaths to seduce their next victim and get them hooked before even meeting in the physical realm. What does communication online consist of? Words. Words that can be edited, deleted and altered before hitting the send button. In real life we can’t do that – words fly out our mouths before we can censor them and hide anything we don’t want getting out. The net allows sociopaths to present themselves any way they like and due to the intermittant nature of communication online (ie maybe an hour or two at a time rather than all day every day together in the flesh) they can present the very best of themselves and hide the parts they don’t want seen.
I’m personally pretty wary of online relationships now. I prefer to meet people in real life so I can see their body language, their gestures and mannerisms and can interpret the whole package of their communication rather than just the words devoid of context. In emails and IRC you can’t tell if the person implied sarcasm with a particular statement. Or if they were snarliing when they sent it. Or if they have a look of contempt on their face. I’d rather see the real person thanks!
Erin – you’re looking pretty damned fine for a corpse!
Buttons I’m going to remember that fart in a windstorm line lol
Pollyannanomore, good post. Another thing we need to remember is to get a safe that has a combination or lock and key to keep our personal (for our eyes only) … locked and away from anyone.
I wrote a list (maybe 40 pages) of what I liked about my Ex husband and what I didn’t like about him. I put a line down the page. Right side was the negative … Left side was the positive. For years I added to the list, not only about my Ex husband, but other men I dated. I thought to myself, why stop there … I’ll put everyone on the list. What I liked about my parents personalities, dislikes, siblings personalities, likes/dislikes, friends, co-workers. It became a list that I could look at, bring hidden likes and dislikes from the back of my mind to the foreground. Well, stupid me just had this list sitting in the bedside table drawer. My EX got his hands on it and was able to play me with no problem what-so-ever. He pretended to be the best thing since sliced bread. How do I know he saw it. A year or so after he left … a friend and I were cleaning out one side of my two car garage. Low and behold, I found one of the pages, dirty, oiled in the junk we were cleaning out. I showed it to my friend and told him that this was up in my bedroom side table drawer. He just shook his head saying, now we know why he knew how to push all the right buttons. I’m sure when I finally get to cleaning the other bay side out, I’ll find the remainder of the list.
Moral to my story … lock and key all your private information that are for your eyes only. This is especially true for those that keep journals.
Good nite everyone.
Steve,
Awesome!
I realized one important thing: I thought why is he keeping up with the rules toward ME. Well, that was narcissism talking. It is NOT about me. It’s about being good for the time being for someone else. Once that realization hit, it all “fell into place”. And – you helped put my experience into perspective.
Interesting, It was I who told P in the beginning that he was like a drug to me. I recognized addiction to him, to the way he treated me, his endless ability to listen and comfort and his availability to me. I did not understand these were red flags, I took them at a face value (narcissism again?), and yet, I knew that I was getting addicted. And – went with it.
It is so true, Polly, they don’t really have much to share. What he did share turned out to be a lie. Similar events, but totally opposite meaning
This is truning into a fantasticlly interesting and insightful thread. I am really starting to think there is something at least “supernatural” about sociopaths even if they are not psychic, which I think they all are.
Just the similarities they all share alone is proof they are working towards a plan of some kind.
I know there is a fluctuation in their behaviour from soc to soc – but at the very crux of the sociopathic specimin there are uncanny similarities – almost as if they have all recieved the same basic training in some Sociopath Boot Camp before they arrived into our lives. As if there is a basic manual of certain traits and operational tactics they all seem to follow according to plan.
I think the concept that someone brought up that they are soul evolution triggers, that they come into to our lives to shake it up and we have to learn from the experience is the only reason they exist to begin with. I am at the point now where I can say the sociopaths who entered my life were a blessing. I know so much more now and I am a more secure and aware person. I would not have gained this state unless the sociopaths arrived and lit a fire under my backside.
At the end of the day when you think about it there is nothing else to be gained from their arrival in our lives. But at the same time there is no more greater legacy they can leave us with than our personal and spiritual evolution.
That’s the only advice I can give to people currently in the early stages. It is like The Moon card in a tarot deck. This is your dark night of the soul, the dogs and wolves are howling and tormenting you in the night. But the morning ALWAYS comes and with it the promise of a new day. But there will never be a new dawn for the sociopath who assulted you. Their days and night will always been cold and dark and boy don’t they know it and this is why they went for your bright soul. They are the ultimate Living Dead and they’ll never be anything else.
Another esoteric anology {NOT PREACHING HERE} is the Hindu diety Shiva. When Shiva blinks his eye the universe is destroyed on the closing of the eyelid and is reborn again in the opening of the eyelid. The sociopath arrives into our lives, causing incredible emotional and psychological mayhem, but this is like spring cleaning for our psyche. You cannot remodel a house until you have stripped the walls of all the old plaster so a new surface can be built upon the shell.
Hang in there new victims – in time all will be restored again. You’ll be a better person for it.
Just fyi, I accidentally clicked on the report abusive comment link, instead of the comment link! I can be such a dummy! Ack.
What I was going to comment was, I’ve thought about buying a weapon, but I worry for my kids safety.