Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
PInow..
I got the package thank you sooooooooo much!!! I am sorry that you are feeling so tired today…please listen to yourself and take care of your body!!! You will get over it….takes time and sometims it helps me to just “give it up” and I mean give it up in the sense of out of your hands..you canyt control..you cant change…it hurts I know..but you will get over it in your own time..when you care more about yourself and who you are WITHOUT him and his BS…as far as betraying his child…yes..he will…you cant stop it..all you can do is prepare for it and be the best that you can be for your child…much love!! xoxoxo
My ex p used to cook quite often. He would be drinking great quantities of alcohol in the kitchen saying, ” I’m such a good cook, arn’t i honey (he called every woman he was in relationship with “honey” I think he called me by my name once).
Matt, I know that I am the most paranoid one on here, but is the new love of your life, well, is he “too good to be true” ?
And if you find out that he is a cluster B then use him up and dump him… for me.
Henry:
“EX was like a drop of water in a dry desert to me..then he said your X is a cluster B sociopath and will prolly get killed or die in the streets”” I so loved this whole post and so identify with you. Your shrink sounded awesome. I pray he is right about the die in the streets part.
Tilly:
No signs that he is too good to be true. He’s very grounded, very careful with his money. How careful? Yesterday he told me how many years he can carry himself if he loses his job — it is a substantial number, unlike me, who in less than 2 years will be saying “would you like fries with that, sir?”
My therapist made a similar comment about my S meeting an early and untimely demise. I have to admit I’ve stepped over some mighty unpleasant things in the street in my time. But, I would cheerfully tiptoe through the sociopaths — hell I wade through them up to my armpits if they were all dead and gone.
Dear End,
I was beginning to get worried and thank you for your post. You are right, I am very tired. I see my motherly duties as a protector. I so don’t want to see my baby hurt by him again. Some tell me that I must teach the kids to be independent, prepared for life, take on challenges… Yakes, I put them through years of emotional abuse already. How are you?
Matt:
I refuse to say, “Would you like fries with that?”
Instead, I will be “Chuck” at Chuck E. Cheese’s. (I prefer to remain anonymous).
Dear PI,
I think sometimes we all have that “empty” feeling–like where do I go from here? And nothing we can imagine in the future seems very alluring or inviting. sometimes even now I will feel bored and since I watch very very little TV, I look around fo rsomething to read or watch (my house is like a library so there are tons of books available and movies and DVDs) and I pick up a book, read a few pages, and throw it down, just not interested in it. sopmetimes I do find a book that is interesting…sometimes something distracting like a novel or a good history book…or I will read some of the “zillion” books on psychopathy or related subjects I now own, but put them down again because I am not wanting to read more about that subject right then.
Sometimes I think about what I want to “be” when I grow up, what projects I want to work on sort of the way I look at the finding something to interest me to read or watch. There is such a wide variety of things to give a person a “reason to get up” in the mornings, something to look forward to. Many of the things that motivated me to get up in the mornings are gone–gone forever—and right now the things that are available are still many, but I don’t have the enthusiasim I had for some of the ones that are gone. The P-X-BF motivated me for a while, boy, did he ever! LOL But now that he is gone I realize that our “motivation” to ge tup in the morning can’t be pinned to another human exclusively. It can be part of it, but must not be the WHOLE of it.
Now as I am getting older, winding down, adjusting my life for what is NOW possible (nope, I am never going to be an astronaut! Or Miss America!) and since I can’t do ALL of the things that ARE POSSIBLE still, I am picking and choosing….trying out some and deciding they are not as appealing as they were when I picked them up, sort of like the book I read a few pages of and decide it isn’t really as interesting as I thought.
During the times of my life when I had “built in” interests, like my kids to raise, a husband to love and plan with, a farm to restore, an air port to build, a clinic to build and run, etc etc. there was ALWAYS some big long term “project” to get me going, to take my interest and time….now life is slower, and I in some ways dont’ quite yet know how to handle it with the pace less adventurous and less stressful, with less riding on the outcome of my day.
Learning about psychopaths and getting through the grief and restructuring of my family took up five years, but now that I am pretty well recovered from the worst of the stress, my sons are also pretty well recovered from the worst of their stresses, and my P-son and my egg donor are out of my life and not occupying a big space in my head/heart or daily thoughts, the acceptence of their toxicity is acheived, NOW WHAT?
One thing is that I am working on giving back to God some of the blessings that He has given to me, by passing them on to others….Love Fraud support is one way, but there are others and I am working on them….more slowly than I would like to, but in a much better, saner and more realistic manner than I might have rushed into prior to all this mess….but satisfying.
Louise Gallager’s article about how she started to recover by giving to others is a very good model for me to aspire to, though I am past the point of making it a career as she has, I CAN give back to others what God has so graciously blessed me with in the way of “talents.”
When we look at what we HAVE (i.e. Count our blessings) rather than what we DON’T have, and realize that God has given us everything we REALLY need, then we can begin to feel just how “rich” we are in what REALLY matters. My past security hinged pretty heavily on my home here on the farm, but by leaving it (giving it up as it were since Idid not know if I could come back) I realized that I didn’t NEED the farm as a security blanket, etc now I realize that material resources are not sacred in themselves, but are to be USED for our good and shared with others who have less.
I also realize that a lot of things I used to think were soooo important don’t matter a “hill of beans” in the great schemes of our lives. Being honest, good, kind, compassionate, loving, patient, etc. those are the things that matter when you reach the point where you are toward the end of your life. None of us know how long we will live, today may be the last day of our mortal journeys, or many years down the road, but I do know that I am in the “last quarter” at least, that many more days have gone before me than are to come, but whatever time I have left, I want it to be filled with PEACE, JOY, CONTENTMENT, GRATITUDE, AND LOVE, not hate, anger, rancor, vengence, greed, and bitterness.
Avoiding toxic people is one way to assure that the last list is decreased and the first list can flower and bloom. When we are forced by life to deal with these satanic beasts, at least we don’t have to let them destroy us. TOWANDA!!!
Matt, Rosa, Henry and all, You guys are cracking me up here!
They called us all “honey”- mine was “sweetheart” so they dont mess up and use the wrong name. (so many victims, so little time ….) I just call mine Lollipop – Reminds me that I am no longer his sucker!
Matt, Best wishes with the new man- you may think that you found a gem- NEVER forget how much you bring to the table! To the table, and to all the other “rooms” of da house! YOU ARE that a bottle of Dom periogon!
umm- dom perignon I mean
meant to say- YOu are THAT AND a bottle of DOm Perignon- I am senile today
I had to post this. I don’t know where. I am half-way through the divorce process and my P is wrenching to get his hooks into me again…..
I woke up this morning and picked up my phone. I began reading text messages from STBXP. the the phone rang. It was restricted. I was barely awake and figured I’d answer it…I never do this, what was i thinking!!!
It was him. Can you believe I didn’t even recognize his voice at first…It’s been months since he’s said more than “here” or “thanks”.
Anyway, begging me to reconcile. The whole time I am thinking… “he’s a sociopath, this is all part of the game.” But, I gave him an ear damn it!! for $ hours of bullshit.
Yeah. I through a lot of mud in his face, asked him a lot of questions.
Even told him I knew about him sleeping with his ex during our engagement, which he denied of course.
I can’t believe how much he was crying. And how hard he was crying. He carried on about how much he missed me, how much he wanted the family back.
I said things like, “Yeah, so you can have your family back and continue to cheat on me.”
or “Are you sure you aren’t doing this to butter me up and get a better settlement.”
or “You wouldn’t do this if we didn’t have the baby”
or “Why don’t you stay with OW and have your happy family with her.”
He kept saying how much he missed me.
He said he was willing to ask for a reconciliation through the courts. That way the court would see what he was doing and if he want back on it they would see he was lying. He said I could write up all my expectations legally.
(he called his attorney and was informed to no-longer contact me after yesterdays messages. So now he’s confused and I am not responding)
ARGH. I need someone to shake me. I am really trying to “wake up”.
Here are the new text messages.
“please call me its important. Its about baby and i. Thankyou.
If you call my phone is broken just say anything and i will call u back. So that way i will know it’s you. i dont want to go between lawyers to talk.
please call me. Just for once please put your anger aside and please answer. I dont want to argue with you. I want to see what we can do. I want to restore our marriage and be a family. i will do whatever it takes. I will do it threw the courts. Whatever i need to do i will do it. it just hurts to much to see what our son and us have to go threw. i am responsable for this. but please i swear anything.
i called my attorney and he stated that he just got a fax from your attorney stating that i have no contact with you unless its about baby. what do u want me to do. we just talked and i want to move forward but how can i when my attorney has that paperwork. Can you please call me and let me know. I didnt want to get in trouble.
Please dont hurt me by trying to save our marriage. Please call me and let me know if you want me to stop trying to save our marriage. Please i want this to work i want to stop fighting, baby is down for his nap.
we just had a great conversation i thought please just tell me if you dont want me talking with u. i don’t want you to get me in trouble for talking to u. please tell me what u want me to do. i afraid of getting in trouble please call or text me.
please just let me know what you want me to do. I’m trying to do my part to show u i want this and know i feel like im getting trapped. Please just let me know if you want me not to move forward with saving our marriage. Just let me know that your not telling your attorney something different. please let me know. I will leave you alone just let me know that i’m not gonna get in trouble for talking to you. please answer me.
my attorney said that there is nothing on his end that he can do if we want to get together and make the marriage work. Please let me know what you want me to do.”
Help me be strong.
He is telling me he is praying and God is helping him.
He has said although he doesn’t think he’s a sex addict he has an intimacy problem where he needs to show love through sex and when it get “old” or “comfortable” he feels unloved.
I know his disoder is more than this…he is a P….help me keep away.