Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Escapee
Matt
Thanks for the reminder about the ‘I’s, ‘We’s and ‘You’s and the context in S/N/P speak.
It’s the most obvious ‘red flag’ and one that’s sooo easy to overlook when emotionally charged.
endthepain
okay..LF famiy..I need some support today..Ive ben ding VERY well..feeling very strong..stayed with NC..actually changd my cell # so he doesnt have it…he has caled the home # to leave a ridiculous message for our 3 yr old stating he wants to see him…but never any other details…I didnt respond as I gues he thought I was going to be jumping up and down wth joy…lol.anyway…w go to court regarding his lowering his child support AGAIN..on Thursday..Im feeling a bit anxious..as i will have to see him…and I would like some strong words to help me here…..
Matt
endthepain:
I was thinking about you and your situation the other day. To argue against the lowering of the support I would argue: (1) your expenses haven’t dropped and raise examples of costs that have risen; (2) if he is returning to CA and moving in with his mother I would argue that he will have no living expenses and can afford to maintain his current support level and (3) he is still married and his wife’s income can count toward your child support.
To keep your sanity regarding the drop in support, remind yourself that this is not permanent — the minute his circumstances improve, you haul him back into court for more money.
My perception has also been that while you’ve made great progress in dealing with your S, I think you are still a little mushy on the boundary setting. That’s why I urge you to get really firm agreements into place on custody, support and visitation. Your boundaries regarding S will get far stronger since even if you find yourself wavering, all you have to do is point to the agreement and hold it (and yourself) to its literal terms.
Also, regarding the call to your 3 year old — take a look at the posting I did today (just above) to bannana on interpreting socio-speak. His statement was manipulative to both your kid and you. If he wants to visit he should be giving hard facts.
Good luck and keep the faith. It really does get better.
neveragain
Endthepain, I’m sure others will have strong words, but just picture yourself walking into court with all of us with dark glasses on, bulked up, ready to protect you, your very own secret service. Whatever he tries to stir up in you, we will decimate. We are emotional insulation around you. Nothing will get to you. We will protect you. Stay calm, do whatever mind games help you. If it makes you feel stronger, pretend you just won a million dollar lottery and he doesn’t know it. (thank goodness, because he SHOULD pay his fair share) Conjure up inner strength. Don’t let emotions flood you. Stay in the moment, strong, rationale , calm. If the judge screws you, just let it bounce of you, knowing that better days are ahead. Be strong no matter what.
witsend
endthe pain,
Naturally if I were you go with Matts advice as he is the lawyer and he gives great advice as far as sticking to the FACTS. The facts is what the courts want not emotion.
From the womans emotional outlook I know exactly what you are talking about feeling anxious with your upcoming court date.
The thing about court dates is you wait for weeks for them to happen and by the time they come around you almost feel emotionally charged. It seems like you get 5 minutes of the courts time to plead your case and then whatever decision is made you have to live with it. Good, bad or indifferent.
THAT is I believe exactly why you want to present to the courts only the facts. The judges/mediators/friend of courts ect I think get tired of the “drama” that surrounds most cases.
So use that and run with it. Groom yourself to play the “role of a lifetime” for your 5-10 minutes in court. Get it all out of your system (the emotion and fear) in the next couple of days by talking to your friends, coming here, and whatever else you have to do.
Go into court prepared and cool, calm and collected. Documents in hand.
Think Erin B. Good Luck…..
banana
Thank you all for you encouragement, advice and S/P to human translations.
I think I am okay.
I told him I was moving forward with the D, and that although I advised him to get help from a certified sex addition therapist, I didn’t care if he went back to his GF and stayed with her(where he has been), married her and started a family.
Kathleen Hawk
banana, congratulations. It must have been a stressful day. Sometimes it takes a little time to feel solid, even after we did something good for ourselves.
What you said sounds good.
Kathy
Tilly
Sabrina:
” I just call mine Lollipop – Reminds me that I am no longer his sucker!”
I love this! I am definitely stealing this one! I wonder how long my next partner stays around when i keep calling him “lollipop” lol! xo
Jen2008
““He never called me Jane.”
Re: the not calling you by your name: “I have no doubt about that. They never KNOW our names and always call us something generic like “hey, there” when they want something out of us and so many more insulting things when they don’t.” ————————————
Well, mine almost always called me by my actual name, although occasionally he would call me honey or baby. So I saw no difference whatsoever between my ex P and a regular person when it came to how he routinely addressed me. However, if for some reason he did not call me by my name, it was because he was substituting my actual name with a vulgar term when he was mad at me or irritated with me or in one of his threatening moods and I have NEVER once had a man in a normal relationship call me a whore (or accuse me of being a whore) or call me a c*nt and the P did that.
banana
I was never called names, not until I told him I was divorcing him and going for full custody. And that was an argument. In the beginning I was always baby, then babe less an less, by the time we were married it was my name, shortened, what everyone calls me, and he still does.
He has also never raised a hand to me.
He was usually passive aggressive, so he was usually the one telling me to calm down, lower my voice.