Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Banana:
Mine never raised a hand to me, either.
However, early in the relationship, I confided private, personal details of my life in him. These are things that I did not want anyone else to know. I thought he was my ‘best friend’, and I could confide in him. Hell, he even told me I could trust him. He took that information that I told to him in strictest confidence, and spread it all over town.
And then, a few years later, when he ran a Smear Campaign on me, everyone believed it. Why wouldn’t they? All of the information he spread about me the first time was true, so everyone naturally fell for the Smear Campaign, as well.
It was very hurtful, and something I will NEVER forget.
There were rumours going around about me that were the POLAR OPPOSITE of who I was and what I stood for, and people were actually believing these lies.
I felt like someone had ripped my skin completely off of me.
I have never been physically abused by a man, but I almost wish he would have broken my arm or something, instead of what he did.
That’s why I tell people on this site that a Smear Campaign can be just as devastating as any physical abuse they can do to you.
And when I confronted him about breaking my trust the first time, he told me things like, “It’s not that big of a deal. You need to loosen up. You are too uptight.”
The lack of concern was staggering.
And, of course, I accepted that bull-shiite back then.
Another Hindenberg-size red flag that I overlooked.
Skipping over the others’ painful stories but NOT minimizing them, I need to get back to the topic of this thread to recover the bit of sanity I had from hearing finally from 3 of my adult children after years and years of silence.
Not one has called back! Now, not even the third daughter who had been calling me every week for the last year (but with the “elephant” still in the “living room.”)
I so identify with the Tom of this thread’s topic for his pain in his wife taking their son to another country and he hasn’t seen him since.
My situation is different in that mine were all adults and married and on their own – -and on GOOD terms with me when I left their father suddently.
At the beginning of the parental alienation (that I didn’t know bout) different coundelors told me 1) they probably “chose” to stay close to the father because they still wanted to get his approval (which I know they will never get), 2) they stayed with him to assure themselves of a hefty inheritance (which is repugnant to me but possibly true), 3) they might be afraid of him (and I think this is the truest reason.)
They all still live within 5 miles of him and his new live-in girlfriend (but disapprove of this arrangement) and I am 1800 miles away.
About a week ago, strange noises were happening around my house (like he USED to do to frighten me in our home) and hang-up calls for two days. (I think I mentioned this on another thread) and then found out that he and girlfriend had been in my city for two days (three?) The “noises” had to have come from him. He knows where I live (and that is another story)
Now, NONE of our children are communicating with me!!!!!
My thoughts are going rampant. Has the new GF now become my enemy (and theirs)?? It didn’t help to read on Relationship Remedy blog about “evil stepmothers” and how they can SOMETIMES make matters much worse.
I know nothing about this woman. I have allowed myself to think she is nice and was just trapped by him and now tied to him via “captured” assets. What if this isn’t true? What if she haa even a worse personality disorder than the EX?
I have tried so hard to accept the present long-standing NC by them and in turn by me as Oxy and many others have advised.
I live alone and after two years of bad health and recovery from injuries, I have NO ONE to talk to about this, not even my two older sisters who got trapped into his lies a year ago. I have no more money for therapists.
What do I do? What can I do? I have thought about moving back to that community and renting an apartment before my money here, an expensive state, runs out But what about my own personal safety? How important is that in view of LOSING my beloved children?!!
I have thought about so many other alternatives and rejected them all. I feel very stuck. Never in a million years would I have ever thoguht I would be in this position at age 72.
Maybe I made a mistake (although I don’t think so) by leaving 7 years ago in the first place? I’ve never questioned that until now. Now I’m rethinking it.
I pray and pray and pray and don’t get an answer!! Why not?
—
Rosa and others, Strangely my EX didn’t call me names, didn’t yell at me but he sure knew how to HIT at “appropriate” times to keep his control over me.
And the past 7 years of his smear campaign (all lies, not a hint of truth) have been the WORST of all — and the most damaging to my soul!!
ANewLily,
This is a tough one as you are between a rock and a hard place. With your children.
If you go back to the communuty that you left though, you would have to deal with SO MUCH. The smear campaign, but most importantly you wouldn’t be safe. You would totally loose your peace of mind. (even if you have just a little “bit” right now)
And not really knowing WHY your children are not calling you, what kind of “control” or manipulation he has used to put them in a position to not contact you?
But here is something to give some thought to. Your going back there might not change the fact that they aren’t having much contact with you. He might put the pressure on them even more?
If the new girlfriend is a “bad person” they will see that. Usually adult children have trouble accepting new girlfriends taking their mothers place. And if she is a bad person, that will be all the more reason not to accept her.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Please leep talking about it here on LF and maybe you will get some good advice from others.
Witsend, thank you for your comments, especially your thought that if I went back, the pressure on them might be greater. I hadn’t thought of that.
See, my mind is having great trouble sorting out “truth” of the thoughts to the “fiction” of them!! I think I am trying to make decions without enough information. But how do I get the info I need!?? I don’t know!
One suspicion I had about DD#2 calling me for the first time in years is that I did know that she and hubby had invited her father and GF to go with them on their annual vacation to Mexico in late February. I was thinking maybe she finally saw her father “as he was.” but maybe she also saw that GF wasn’t what she had portrayed herself to be (nice.) All suppositions! Ugh!
What “muddies” the waters is the fact that the ONLY long-time “friend” (from the same community) who BETRAYED me and caused such harm to me during the initial part of the divorce proceedings contacted me last week to join her Facebook as a “friend.” It was easy to institute NC with her and I didn’t even yet know about No Contact!
Three years ago she contacted me about “burying the hatchet” and I politely refused. (I did forgive her — from a distance — though)
So, WHY did she “out of the blue” contact me, now?! What percipated it? I KNOW she and her hubby remained social friends with “empty suit” and his GF, just going out to dinner and concerts with them as they had with “us.” EVEN THOUGH she was the ONLY one I had confided in about the physical abuse!!
It’s all crazy-making all over again!
ANewLily,
It would be hard to know why she contacted you now….But it really isn’t important why she did. (maybe guilt?)
If she still has contact with your Ex in any way shape or form though it is likely better to have N/C with her. Just her contacting you has already created some fear in you.
If she remained friends with him knowing about the abuse then she isn’t YOUR friend. And she has already managed to “stir up” the situation, just by contact. Anything you might have to say to her might get back to him. Just remember that and it will be easier to let her go out of your thoughts.
** NEED INPUT/HELP**
I went to see a new doctor today because mine retired. My contention that my problem with vomiting was caused by intense stress was met with what I consider a surprising amount of insensitivity. She said plenty of her patients had been through far worse than me and didn’t vomit and that she has a background in psychology and knows the effects of stress.
I completely get it about not telling the average person because they will not understand but I am at a loss as to what to tell those who are supposed to be providing my medical care. In the interest of standing up for myself I will leave a message with her office that I feel the treatment was unprofessional. But I’m fairly sure I’ll just be dismissed as a crackpot. Perhaps I should do what Oxy does and show up with court documents. To be honest I still have a great deal of trouble even looking at those documents.
I have (had) two friends who have dealt with psychopaths and both had gastrointestinal problems as a result of the stress. Neither were throwing up, but one had chronic heartburn during the time of her ordeal and the other was acutely nauseas for two years. He had an upper GI, which found nothing physically wrong. Eventually he commited suicide.
I could go back to my ex’s GP, whom I’ve seen in the past. However, I saw her once post-extortion, etc. She was cooly professional but evinced some skepticism towards me. God knows what he told her. I actually did bring court docs then but did not show her as I started crying (just like today’s visit).
Anyway, any thoughts on how to find a decent doctor and what to tell and how to phrase it would be more than welcome.
That’s awful. I’ve been lucky, but I didn’t attribute it to stress…THEY did. Mine told me I needed two months off work to just relax, and wanted to write a note to my boss, but I’m in a situation where that wouldn’t have worked, so I’ve tried my best to “relax” while working. I stopped being able to eat solid foods 6 weeks after the P first contacted me through email. My body was screaming at me, but wasn’t listening. Still can’t eat solids.Literally. All liquid diet.