Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
After three years, from the first time he contacted me.
Thanks JAH. You lucked out if your provider was that accomodating. I can relate to the contact out blue from the ex-psychopath. Mine changes his email address and writes to my work email every six months. It just sends me over the edge. It seems so intrusive and such a shock – though of course it should not be as that scenario seems to be rather common.
Sorry to hear about the food issue on your end and hope it improves.
Leah:
Ditch the doctor. And for God’s sake don’t go near the ex’s doctor – that’s contaminated territory. No matter how far you have to drive, crawl or hitch-hike, it is worth it to see a docor who believes you and treats you with the respect you are entitled to.
You should probably be seeing a gastroenterologist, anyhow. I was having heartburn so bad that I swore a hole was going to burn through my chest. I finally went to a gastroenterologist. Let alone performing an upper GI, he heard what had been going on in my life and said “well, you’re a prime candidate for GERD.” So, I’ve been on Nexium the last month — definitely helping altho insurance will not pay the 2Xs a day he wants and dietary changes. It seems to be helping.
Leah, I feel so sorry that the doctor dismissed your symptoms. I have been lucky, too, in that both GPs I saw diagnosed my ill health properly. All I said was that I had escaped from a long-time physically abusive “marriage.” The first one was really on the ball and started asking me questions, “Did he…?” and “Did he ever ….?? Turns out that she had left an abusive marriage, too. She KNEW! (I learned a lot of the initial info about narcissism from her. I didn’t yet know about the sociopathic part. Maybe she didn’t either?)
I am under the care of an internist as my primary care physican and she “gets it” too and is an excellent diagnostion (sp) and sent me to a gastroenterologist. I haven’t said much to him but am in the middle of some testing for my stomach problems. I am hoping for some relief.
How about just forgetting this doctor and her insensitiviey and trying another one?
Of course, your problems are due to the stress of dealing with a disordered person. Don’t let anyone tell you differently!
But, we do need to do as much as we can to cope with the stress. As the title of this thread mentions, “When the pain caused by a sociopath doesn’t stop.” I’m 7 years out and the “out of the blue” JUNK still catches me off guard.
Leah, I just read Matt’s reply and I second the motion not to go near the Ex’s doctor. I don’t know where you live but surely there are other doctors nearby or in a nearby town?
Look until you find a good one. I, like Matt, do recommend a gastroenterologist. I’d even skip the GP — unless you need a referral to see the speicalist?
Witsend, you have such great advice — and the compassion shows through. Thank you!
I am going to have to leave here. If I can’t go back, WHERE do I go?
Justabouthealed, I am so sorry that you STILL can’t eat solid food. Liquid diets are BORING! That happened to me DURING the godawful “marriage” a couple of times. I never confessed to the abuse, though, to ANYONE. My gastro symptoms are different now but so far haven’t found a “cure.”
Maybe I should voluntarily go on a liquid diet and think of you. Oh, dear, I can’t. I developed Type 2 diabetes two years ago and my diet is very constrained.
Oh, well, please know that I know from experience what you are going through and I CARE
Thanks ANewLily. I have not known of anyone else facing this, your words were very validating. Funny, just last night I thought “what if I get diabetes” because then I couldn’t drink the ensure. Ensure has kept me very healthy now for three years, my blood tests come back fabulous. It sounds like you can eat now. That gives me hope that eventually I will be able to also.
ANewLily,
Gosh where you should go is something you need to give alot of consideration. You don’t want to move again and have it be an expensive mistake. And I use that term to have triple meaning. Not at your emotional “expense” or dollars and cents expense or health expense.
It would be wonderful if you could move to a place where you already have some one….I think you mentioned earlier your sisters are trapped within his lies….
Maybe an old dear friend that lives somewhere not within your “old” community where you moved away from but somewhere else?
If not, then maybe you might really want to investigate some small town living somewhere. Really investigate the area though and see if you might not find a nice FRIENDLY small town. I mention small town because sometimes it is easier to make friends and make contact with others, than big impersonal city living. Also often small towns often have houses that are more affordable than the big cities. Where I live they are practically giving houses away in this economy because people can’t sell for market value.
It seems to me if your Ex would mess with your house 1800 miles away from where he lives just to upset you, because he is in your area……Then He is a dangerous man. So if you lived closer to him he wouldn’t leave you alone. Living alone is hard enough without having to have to deal with the fear of someone messing with your senses by making noises and scaring you.
Dear Lily,
I’m not sure why your daughters called and then sto0pped? Have you called them lately or has the calling only been from them to you? Maybe if they have don3e all the calling they think you dont’ want to hear from them? Just a question more than a statement.
Where to go? Why did you pick where you are now? Did you have friends there? I don’t think I would go back where the X is unless you move into an assisted living facility where you would NOT be alone. him messing with your safety and peace of mind at your house lately where yo ulive, I doubt he jwould leave you alone anywhere near him if you lived in a detatched house. Sometimes you might be able to find a very small convenient apartment that would be unlikely to be “messed with” but there is always the chance he would mess with or vandalize your car unless you had a way to lock it up.
Finding a place that would be secure and safe (especially with your health fragile) is going to be a difficult thing. Also, living clsoe to people who can be of assistanc3e in emergencies too. It has been a long time since I moved away to a large city where I knew almost no one…I would hate to do that at my age and I am 62…so I can only imagine doing it at 70+ and in fragile health.
As for why your daughters call and don’t call etc. or invite dad and his GF—I wish Iknew what their real feelings were. You might actually call them and ask them say “hey, let’s have a heart to heart here and get our feelings on the table” rather than just “act like nothing happened.”
As for your X-friend wanting to bury the hatchet, I think she had buried it DEEP ENOUGH IN YOUR BACK that we can figure out her INTENTIONS.
I know sometimes that friends and family can feel caught in the “middle” and love two people and don’t want to make a “choice”—but I cannot imagine being “friends” with someone who treated my mother like your X treated you. Either YOU are lying or HE is and I think your kids need to get off the FENCE and decide who is the liar….my egg donor chose my P-son over my son C, my adopted son D and me, so she can have HIM, but she cannot have all of us. Anyone who would be “friends” with someone who tried to kill me is NOT my “friend.” There are just some issues that are too important and can’t be glossed over as a “miisunderstanding”