Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Oh, Oxy, I laughed about the hatchet! No, there is no way I would ever trust her again, even a little bit. I do count myself lucky that she is the only one who betrayed me. I still communicate with others from “home” regularly but it doesn’t help my aloneness since it is all by phone or email — and no one near enough to help me when I need it.
I also had to “laugh” when you mentioned about not daring to make a move to an unknown city “at age 62.” I was 65 when I “escaped” here where I knew no one. I know, without doubt, you could do it, too, if your life was in danger as mine was.
Regarding the calls — DD#3, the nurse, mostly has called me because her schedule always changes. I have called the other two — and my son — recently after they called me first and they talk “nice” but then recently, no pickups or replies to my voice mails. STRANGE. Something has happened on their end! And no calls at all from them — even DD#3!
I have no doubt that they now believe I told them the truth about their father trying to kill me. And I know beyond a doubt that we all got along splendidly (REALLY!) before the smear campaign at my sudden departure — and maybe their being threatened?
I truly don’t think it is a matter of “who is lying” at this point. And for the “fence,” realistically, I don’t think they have real choice in the matter, never have actually. I do imagine they are VERY conflicted and don’t know what to do about it.
I just don’t know — and they will NOT experss their feelings! I’ve already tried that and angered them by asking. That alone is STRANGE. They each were very open before I left, especially son. I do understand he is the most trapped by his father, in spite of what his feelings are. He did move to another city fairly recently and did inform me of his move — but no feelings about it.
Golly, I am rambling — because my thoughts are rambling, including that DD#2 and hubby may have been MANIPULATED into “allowing” father and GF to go to Mexico with them. That’s highly possible but I don’t know!
I guess I should stick to what I know — the need to find a place that would be sfe and secure, especially with my fragile health. BUT, I have investigated many possibilities these past two years and none seem satisfactory — YET
My sisters are out due more to the fact that they are 8 and 11 years OLDER than I am and in worse health than I am.They have their families to help them so I am not “needed” there.
Tami’s mention of her new fabulous husband was a childhood friend. Going back to my hometown might be a very good plan — except … I’ll leave that story to another time. But, I’ll wager that may be where I’ll end up. Many classmates, known since kindergarten, still live there.
Oxy, you asked how I “picked” this place. I didn’t. I think God did! Two days after the last violent act, there was the unused ticket from the previous March to this place in the mail. I immediately packed my suitcase, reactivated the ticket and left!!
As far as my own children not being “friends,” I think you are right. Even the doctor told me that in one of my hospitalizations when the two oldest came, found out I wasn’t on my deathbed, and left abuptly even before I was discharged. He said, “These daughers are not your friends.” I wish he could have explained more.
Dear Lily,
I know from my own experience that those “family{” members that you loved and thought loved you, who turn out to really not have your best interest at heart, or who will side with your abuser, or try to “stay neutral” remind me of th epoem “Hangman” where the executioner comes to the town and builds his scaffold, and they are curious who he came to hang, first he hangs this guy, then that, and each time the people think he will then leave town, but his scaffold only grows, finally he has come to hang everyone intown but one man and then he comes for that one man….each of us wait for someone else to be “hung” and never stand up, just glad that someone ELSE is being attacked not us, so maybe that is what your kids are doing. I know it hurts that you gave birth to them and nurtured them and then they have no loyalty or apparent concern for you….maybe your doctor heard something they said or something they said to him. I think he was going out on a limb to tell you this, but I think he DID THE RIGHT THING and you know, I think i would keep that in mind rather than just ahve a “superfiscial” relationship with them. If someone isn’t willing to have a heart to heart or open discussion with you, what have you got anyway? Not much i would think. Just an Acquaintence, not a friend or “family.”
When my egg donor was D & D’d by her Ps, and wanted me back (after D&D-ing me,) I wanted to discuss it with her and she kept saying “NO, I just want to pretend none of this happened and start over”—NO WAY!!!! Let’s be HONEST WITH EACH OTHER OR I DON’T WANT THE SUPERFISCIAL RELATIONSHIP OF “LET’S PRETEND” WE ARE A NICE NORMAL FAMILY.
Whatever you do, dear Lily, be SAFE!!!! (((hugs))) and always my prayers for you dear friend.
Since I have gone no contact with my parents and my p daughter they have started targeting my youngest kind gentlehearted son. I have thought about stepping back in to the den to deflect their pestering him. Don’t forget he has a p girlfriend too. Although, I wont do anything there, as it will backfire.
Naturally, he is run down and in bad health from the stress of it all. But he is wiser than I was at his age (20). They tell him they have been calling me non stop and that I hang up. They have never called me or emailed me once. But theyre right, i probably would hang up at this stage. He believes them and not me about the phonecalls.
Nothing I can do about it.
Oxy:
“Kind of like the old “it’s hard to drain the swamp when you are up to your arse in alligators—”” HA HA! LOL!!!!
Matt:
I too would “have sold body parts for my parents to have divorced!”
So good to come here and identify with my own. xoxox
He took that information that I told to him in strictest confidence, and spread it all over town.
STBXP said some awful things in his cross motion…lies about my dad and my sexual endeavors (non-existent) as well as private info even my parents don’t know.
I hate that he got back in; that NC was broken. I am feeling sorry ofr him. My heart has opened up. I know it;s not right, but are there any excercises I can use to protect my self again.
Banana:
I just kept going No Contact until it finally stuck. That is about all I can tell you.
At first, I could not keep the No Contact rule, either.
But, I just kept re-establishing No Contact.
And each time I did it, I was able to make it last a little longer.
Finally, I was free of him. And I was not missing him, and I did not care if I ever heard from him again. And it was great, once I got there.
This is NOT the ideal way to do it. But, even though it wasn’t pretty, that is how I got there.
Tilly, I don’t know how you can convince your son that they are lying, but I would just tell him if he brings it up again that they ahve NOT called you but if they did, you WOULD hang up and WHY. Just tell him that you are NC and intend to stay tyhat way because…..”
I know that some people try to think that “blood is thicker than water” but you know, ABUSE is thicker than blood.
Expose the lie and the power is gone.
Banana, I am so sorry that your private information got spread all over town. I can just mention that other people, once they get the “kick” from gossip, don’t even remember what they heard or at least about whom it was said. Most normal people are more concerned about their own lives — generally anyway.
I feel for you because mine (closer to the end) would blurt out something I had told him in private so all the shoppers could hear. Once I had a crying melt down and embarrassed myself!
The worst one was when he loudly pointed out that my pubic hair was showing IN FRONT OF FIVE OF THE SIX GRANDSONS. They were more embarrassed than me and I was MAD and retreated into the house. (This happened during a family gathering around our backyard pool.)
I have completely gotten over my EX. He doesn’t occupy my thoughts anymore except with the “out of the blue” shenanagans that catch me off guard.
No Contact is the way to go!!!
pianoman:
HA HA! Thats funny! “prudish women”! Prudish means excessively prim and proper manner! Nup! Aint NEVER met a psychopath thats like one of those! lol! Good one pianoman.