Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Rosa
I think he might be the “lutz” that was on here yesterday.
Tilly
Rosa:
We are on the same page sista! xoxoxoxoxoxox
Leah
Thanks Matt and Lily,
Not going back to today’s dr. is a given. The only reason I thought about following up with her to clarify the matter was for closure. I’m trying to get better at addressing negative issues at the time they occur rather than being the more passive self that proved to be such a magnet for the vampire. However, I guess it doesn’t make too much sense given that I’ll never see her again.
In any case, I appreciate the feedback and support from both of you and from JAH earlier.
The dr. today did prescribe the anti-emitic I requested. If I continue to have problems, I will of course consult a gastroenterologist.
Leah
On a happier note, I recently read a book that I found extraordinarily insightful that be of use to others, Emotional Resiliance by David Viscott. He classifies people into three primary types: dependent, conrolling and competitive. Anyone who has dealt with a Cluster B disorders individual will recognize him or her as an extreme combination of Viscott’s controlling and competitive personality types. So the “what” part of their behavior may be familiar. He goes beyond description to addressing at least some of the “why.”
However, the most valuable aspect of the book to me is the description of the dependent personality. Some of what he writes has been captured eloquently in different form by Kathleen Hawk. Facing the dependent aspects of myself that made me such a walking target has been extremely beneficial.
Dr. Viscott contends that all three types revert to their characteristic defenses when their “toxic nostalgia” for unresolved emotional pain, which refers to as “emotional debt” is triggered. He contends that we build up emotional debt by failing to address and voice negative emotions surrouding painful events when they occur. Anyway, it is worth a read.
It the only book I can think of that I found to be such a revelation.
ANewLily
Good going, Leah!
Is it Endthepain who has a court appearance tomorrow? (If I got the person wrong, at least God knows who you are.)
It is almost Thurday. I’ll just remind you what Justafte healed wrote on Tuesday, (at least I think it was her) This wasn’t all of it, but she said, “
ANewLily
Unplanned continuation! She said, “just picture yourself walking into court with all of us with dark glasses on, bulked up, ready to protect you, your very own secret service.”
Sorry, I just still more upset about my adult kyds than I thought and this time it isn’t because I can’t find my glasses.
It seems I can’t even type!!
Doesn’t affect my “spirit” that will be with you tomorrow, Endthe pain!! I will be part of your secret servie with the others and will be eager to find out how it turns out.
Leah
Yes, good luck to those with upcoming court dates. I remember how harrowing that was. I hope it helps to know you have a number of folks in your virtual corner. 🙂
Tilly
Leah:
Your ex p would definitely have poisoned the mind of his doctor against you, (as he might need him in court),don’t go there.
Most general practitioner doctors don’t understand what we are going through.
I can’t look at my court documents either. I havn’t been able to look at any kind of court documents since 2002/3. I usually have to get my son to tell me in a sentence where I have to sign after he has ok’d it. Reading any kind of court documents for me is like going on a tour of Hitlers Gas/torture chambers after having been tortured/gassed and barely survived it.I get panic attacks and the works.
I have a lot of physical health problems too, especially digestion.
But I havn’t attended to them yet. I just take over-the-counter pain killers. But i think it makes it worse.
Tilly
Oxy:
” rather than just have a “superficial” relationship with them. If someone isn’t willing to have a heart to heart or open discussion with you, what have you got anyway? Not much i would think. Just an Acquaintence, not a friend or “family.””
OUCH!! This is SO true of me and my middle son. I am still not up to “going there” yet. But its really very obvious whether I like it or not. I have one recent picture of him. When i look at it I see my 12 year old son. Thats sick isn’t it?
Tilly
Oxy:
My son didn’t believe me, so i told him to tell them to ring me as i was worried it was getting to him pretty bad. The P paraplegic rang twice. I couldn’t bring myself to answer or listen to the message either time. My son rang me back later and i said “Yes they did ring but I couldn’t answer it”. He was really disappointed and he thought that they had been calling the whole time and i just hadn’t answered. But he said “don’t worry, it doesn’t matter”. But i could tell it does matter.