Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Pianoman, “In a way, sociopaths are like prudish women. If you let them know right away what you want, they’ll leave because they don’t want sex, they want marriage.”
That is IF they want marriage. Mine latched on wanting to feel loved. And delivered. Immediately. And I fell.
Marriage was never in the picture for me, but at one point he thought I fell deeply enough that I would consider. God was with me that day.
Dear Tilly, my first cousin (Uncle Monster’s son) thinks if we would just “talk” we could “work it all out”—of course there is no working it out with a dupe or a P. He just does not get it because he is brought up to “pretend it never happened” and that is the way he has lived his life.
I would just tell him that you cannot answer, if they did ring, and that you have to keep NC that there is no working it out. My cousin doesn’t understand, he probably will never understand, but I cannot let HIS FEELINGS determine my life. repeat: MY LIFE. I spent my entire life doing things for OTHERS and never myself. Your son is an adult now, so though I know you love him, you must do what is BEST FOR YOU and I would be honest with him and tell him that.
He is, if I remember rightly, involved himself with a disordered woman, so he is in the FOG, but him being in teh FOG doesn’t mean you must try to placate him about your own situation.
To me that is the thing, we can’t be living our lives OR FEELING GUILTY that we can’t live them FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Your son is not living his for you, he is with the woman I will be willing to say that he knows you don’t approve of, but yet he wants you to associate with people you can’t trust….see what I mean? We have lived our lives walking on egg shells to place others, and your son picked that up from you, just like my son C did that and married the P woman and walked on egg shells around her for the next nearly 8 years because he thought that is how you lived your life.
My cousin lives that way, but he has NO LIFE. Uncle Monster’s abuse of him and his sibs and mom has “tainted” his view of how a person should behave. He has so much anger inside of him, but it is all so “controlled” and “pushed down.” the only time I have ever seen it explode was one time (not violently) when he realized that HE had my egg donor’s power of attorney (and therefore in his mind was responsible for her) and since I wouldn’t talk to her and “work it out” he was (he felt) stuck with her.
She had given the POA to him when she “didn’t trust me” and I agreed that I would drop the competency hearing if she would let cousin have it, (instead of the P-DIL) which he willingly took—-at that time. But I also realized that I don’t have to VOLUNTEER to take it back, and I won’t. If cousin doesn’t want it, he should tell her and she can get some lawyer to take it as there is no other family close enough or willing to take it. He has the FOG though–but not my problem.
See that is the thing, the FEAR, OBLIGATION and GUILT we assume we MUST have ties us into things we don’t want to do.
My cousin doesn’t want to be POA for my mother, but he has the FOG to hold him in, and he feels it is MY responsibility, but it isn’t. I am NOT obligated to take care of her or see her or anythintg else. She discarded me, devalued me, and now that she has done that, my responsibility is over, there is NONE. It is like a divorce, after the divorce you are NOT responsible for your X’s welfare, or supporting them, or taking care of them, it is a SEPARATION OF RESPONSIBILITIES AND OBLIGATIONS. I am “divorced” from my egg donor, legally and MORALLY.
Frankly, too, it is a RELIEF to look at it that way for me. A parent has NO more legal or MORAL responsibility to care for a kid once they are adults. Sometimes out of love we do so, or help them out etc. Just like my adult sons live here (it is cheaper for them) but it is not my RESPONSIBILITY to let them live here (BTW they pay their fair share of the household expenses too) but it is something that is a benefit to all of us, they save money and I am not living alone with quite so many responsibilities for household care and upkeep as we SHARE those things. It is like I have roommates that I particularly like. BUT, it is MY HOUSE, MY RULES so if they get to where they don’t like my rules, they can pack their kits and move out any day they are not happy here.
YOU HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO BE AROUND ANYONE—REPEAT: ANYONE—THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO BE AROUND FOR ANY REASON. Also, that is a RIGHT. I have a right not to asosciate with my egg donor. and my cousin has NO RIGHT to try to force me. YHour son has NO RIGHT to try to force you either.
This is your test, Tilly, to live your life for YOURSELF, your son is living his life FOR HIMSELF, and it is only right and fair that you do as well. TOWANDA! and don’t feel guilty about it!!!!!! (or I will BOINK you!) ((((hugs)))))
Pianoman,
While tilly was tickled with your “prudish woman” post, I found it a bit offensive, I would call it ia WISE woman who would not put herself at risk for STDS from a promiscious and shallow man who was just looking for a “lay” without any attachments. To me, (in your terms) a Prudish woman, and in my terms a WISE woman, sex is a bonding ritual between two people who love each other and are in a committed relationship (marriage or not) and not sleeping around with others.
However, as far as letting a psychopath know what you want and then them moving on down the line, I am afraid I don’t agree with that either. It isn’t JUST in romantic or sexual relationships that we encounter these BEINGS. they are at our jobs, they are our neighbors, business partners, co-workers, lawyers, physicians and the cop who stops you for speeding. Sometimes the psychopath is your mother, father, brother, sister or best friend. Many times, all they “want” is control of the situation and to see you squirm on that “control” like a bug on a pin.
Plus, many times, and especially in a romantic situation, they PRETEND and FAKE that they want the same thing we do—a committed relationshiip. Then when we are hooked, they set the BARB! and we are on the line like a fish with a trebble hook sunk down his gullet. It is possible to get off, but it is oh, so painful, and sometimes rips our guts out!
I wish it WAS as “simple” as letting them know what you want and if they dont’ want that they move on, or if they think they can’t get that, they move on….but it isn’t all that simple, unfortunately.
Thanks for the post Tilly. Yes, the OTC pain meds might be upsetting your stomache further. That has been my experience. It may worth adding “doctor” as a category to the referal guide.
I really am a loss as to how much to explain. I guess I’ll just assume the “professional” will not understand no matter what I say and focus on the outcome – ie. getting what I think is a reasonable Rx or other treatment.
Oxdrover, I thought you had said not to feed the animals.
Hello Everyone~ I’ve just been catching up on all the blogs. It sure helps to read it all. It seems as though we all have “health issues”. Unbelievable. We have to love ourselves and take care of US first.
Some of the reading is funny. Loved the spath-a hole comment!
Matt, you seem to be able to cut through the mindf—, and see it for what it is. I wish I were that adept. Hopefully, we all will evolve to that point.
I am still riding the fence with the NC. My S sent me an e-mail today~ he said I would welcome death to get out of this rotton place. That is all it said. Made me feel guilty. I am sick and on antibiotics and cough medicine and weak. Probably from all the stress lately. My bully sister sent me an e-mail that I didn’t open. My friend got the same one and told me about it. You know, the “I’m so glad you are in my life and you are so important to me b.s. I wonder if she felt that way the day she beat the tar out of me!! Still, no apology, no call, BUT her birthday is tomorrow!! Timely e-mail huh? I have not talked to her at all Oxy. And I will not call her tomorrow or send a card or anything. She is dead to me!
We are warriors!! Fighting for our own cause!! Towanda peeps, thanks for all the words of wisdom. God Bless, 22.
OXY:
I only just read this page now…NO WAY WAS I “TICKLED PINK”! with this comment!!! ” good one” in oz means, “yeah good on yu yu bloody idiot!!”
I am a feminist through and through (but that had nothing to do with it), I immediately spotted the p and I couldn’t believe others were actually believing “it”. So I thought i would “bring “it” out into the light. Rosa saw it too ( “we are on the same page sista”) remeber?
Thankyou for your advice in regard to my son. You are completely right and i have taken it onboard and doing precisely what you said. The only pain I feel to do it is in relation to my son. It is a pleasure to do it otherwise.
Leah:
I have added “doctor” to my referral guide!! lol! thankyou! But again, I have a lot of trouble confessing to general practitioner doctors how physically ill I am. My mother was the only one allowed to be sick for so long!
Dear Tilly,
Thanks for explaining that, that’s the problem with different versions of “english” and slang–I didn’t get the sarcasam there. Because sarcasm is many times very hard to detect in the written word, I try to be very very CLEAR on it and make sure it is something everyone will get, so I put a “NOT!!” after it or (joke) after the sarcasam so no one wisll mistake it for the way I really think or feel.
Also, LEAH NAILED ME “She said (obviously getting what he was as I did) “Oxy I thought you said “don’t feed the animals”) THANKS LEAH!!! BOINK ME WITH THE CYBER SKILLET!!!!! You are aso right!!!!
On the “being sick”—the stress does take a number on our bodies as well as our minds, and the stress hormones long term do our bodies in for sure, so be extra kind to yourself if possible, sleep well, eat well, and rest up. I know you will have a stressful semester but try to just keep it together where she is concerned and that will help to keep the stress down. I tisn’t something you can “control” so just keep chanting that “I can’t control the b1atch, but I can control my reactions” Maybe that will help ((((hug)))))
DEAR LEAH:
YOU NAILED ME!!! “BOINK” on OXY’s well deserved head!!!! Thank you, sweetie, I absolutely deserved that BOINK!!! for engabing in FEEDING THE ANIMALS.
Tilly, I really really identified with your statement Thursday “Reading any kind of court documents for me is like going on a tour of Hitlers Gas/torture chambers after having been tortured/gassed and barely survived it.I get panic attacks and the works.”
I’ve encountered lots of physical health problems, too, even before I escaped, but when you mentioned, “especially digestion,” I may have a suggestion. At my first visit to an enterologist yesterday, he gave me “Align” for my digestion problems. I think it is available OTC.
After just two days of use, I can’t vouch for its efficacy but on the Internet there were many positive comments. He gave me free samples to last two weeks so I have no idea how much they cost.
Tilly, just another thought. I’ll bet if you can conquer your digestion problems at least, you may be able to handle the next semester better with your teacher (is that what she is?)
For myself I know how very very difficult it is to control negative emotions or be cheerful when my stomach hurts!!