Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
ANewLily:
It really is best to keep all court documents and related reading well away from your area of living space…I am serious. Outtasight outtamind. When you HAVE to look at them, then try and have someone you trust emotionally with you. They don’t have to know you are even looking at them, but it helps somehow.I still can’t hold the folio of documents, without having a panic attack ! (i.e.for all my court proceedings). Even the ones from years ago. I experience panic first, then immense grief and finally, later on in the day, anger, before it will subside. Of course the underlying emotion through out all of that is FEAR. I could never have been a solicitor hey!
Kathy is probably the one to talk to about strategies to deal with that. My basic solution is just not to “go there ” unless I am absolutely FORCED to and then, never alone. ( I only have my son to help me with this one). But all the papers are well out of reach, so that i don’t “come across” them in my daily routine.
At least you are ATTENDING to the business of your HEALTH! I congratulate you on that! Next time i am at my doctor ( hmmm I know…and WHEN will that be?? (never)) I will ask about “Align”.
Oxy:
I was using sarcasm with Elton, and others, because i didn’t want him to see I was supplying Narcissistic supply on purpose.
But you are right it is hard to use irony on sms and blog. It does cause miscommunication – often.
2MUCH2TAKE:
I am so PROUD of you for not opening bully sisters EMAIL! I hope you deleted it. If you did delete it, then you are WAY stronger than me and YOU ARE MY HERO!! xoxox
2much2take:
One day in the future, you and i wont open the S’s email either!
Oh, Tilly, I already have all the documents “hidden” in a large plastic tub at the bottom of a closet that I rarely use. I agree, good plan! At first, about 2005, I almost just dumped them all in the trash. Luckily, I have only “had” to consult any of the papers in it about 3 times a year. But each time it took about 3 days to recover from the trauma of it.
I live alone and I have no one to help me. I’m so glad you have your son!!
I don’t think you need a doctor’s recommendation for Align. I’ll sign off and call my local pharmacist and ask her and get back to you, ok?
Tilly, for sure you don’t need a doctor’s recommendation, my pharmacist said. It is in every pharmacy on the shelf with the Tums, etc. She said it is a fairly new product but she’s noticed many doctors have been recommending it lately.
Problem — it is rather expensive, about $30 for 28 tablets.
ANewLily:
Thankyou!! I will look for it today in our local Aussie Chemist. xo
Thanks Tilly! And yes I did delete it!! Wooo-hoooo!! And I also deleted her from my cell phone!! It is going to be harder to not open the S’s e-mails. He has never hit me. Not once in 20 yrs. Just lied like a rug, threw me under the bus for his drug habit, humiliated me with other women. THAT’S ALL!! LOL. When am I gonna get it? Maybe I need the skillet!! LOL.
He built a new house. He started getting Parents magazine! You know the subscription. I was like: Why are you getting this? He said, Oh they probably send it to all new home builders. That was about a year ago. THEN, last month when I was there, I looked at his mailbox and he had an e-mail that said~ How is your 14 month old doing? In the subject box. I about had a twinkie. He denies knowing anything about it. Says, his enemy sister in law probably did it to cause trouble between him and I. Who the heck knows. There are to many things that “just happen” to give the benefit of the doubt. But with my bargaining and denial skills I still have that thread that it might not be true. Skillet Please?
I hope everyones GI gets better. I hate it when my guts hurt. Well, I guess it’s like getting your guts ripped out dealing with all this mindf——. Someday we will look back and say” Wow, look how far I’ve come”.
I don’t know who said it but the part about showing up in court for moral support with dark sunglasses and big dudes was a wonderful focal idea to not get to nervous. I loved it.
Bye peeps, have a good Sat. I’ll be on later I’m sure. I don’t have a life!!
2MUCH2TAKE:
Wooo-Hooo!! TOWANDA!! YOUARE MY HERO FOR DELETING HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE!! YOU GO GIRL!!
And BTW 22, I DO have a life but I prefer to come here (I’m in class right now!)lol!
I just started writing tonight about how I feel. I thought it might help to just beat it out on my keyboard. Please don’t interpret this as my intention to harm anyone…I could never do that and have no desire to spend the rest of my life in prison but I thought I’d share my story and ask if any of you can relate to the way I feel. Or, am I’m truly losing my mind?
Identity Theft
Every morning, I wake up thinking that today will be different. I’ll spend my day doing something that I enjoy, something that makes me happy, something that makes me feel good. And, it’s always the same. Maybe I’ll work on the house”no”no sense in doing that yet”can’t afford the materials to finish it. I’ve always hated half-ass work. Maybe I’ll start the book I’ve always wanted to write”the one about my crazy life filled with various abusers and suicides”but does anyone really care? Who would it benefit? Do I really want to tell it all? How would people interpret it? They’ll feel I want pity and God knows that’s the last thing I want.
Then, I wonder what happened to me? What happened to that confident woman that was once the life of the party with the outgoing personality that everyone loved? The one who was always ready for adventure and welcomed new challenges? Why do I have no desire to interact with people anymore? What happened to my drive, my energy, my will? People close to me who knew some of the adversities I had dealt with in my lifetime once openly admired my guts, my lack of bitterness despite many unjust circumstances, and my upbeat positive attitude. Where did I go?
I always arrive at the same conclusion. I allowed one person to reduce me to the point of existing rather than actually living”a person that no longer matters to me and never will. Frankly, I wouldn’t care if he was dead. I’ve never felt that way about anyone. Somehow, I feel that if he was dead, I could be a whole person again. Is it because he killed me? But how did he do it? I’m still alive but did he take part of my soul in an attempt to gain one for himself”the one that he never had? I could never harm anyone”not even him”but if I learned he’d passed on”I’d feel that God had forced the devil to release the part of me he stole. After all, I was only a possession and everyone knows the old saying about not being able to take what one has with them when they die. He is holding my dignity, my integrity, my self-esteem, my wit, my will to exist, and far too much of my knowledge”a true case of identity theft. There’s not even a law to punish him.
He left me with the one thing that he never wanted”my heart”and I use it to love the kindest and most gentle man I’ve ever known”a man that deserves ALL of me including the parts that were stolen from me. How do I get those parts back? Can they be regained? How do I replenish the pieces of my character that it took years to develop? This thief that stole these things from me doesn’t even need. He’s stolen these same things from many others before and continues to do so today. But, I need to be a whole person again and wake up every morning feeling that I still have something to left to give. Is my heart REALLY enough?
Dear Tami,
That is BEAUTIFULLY PUT!!!! Yes, my dear I can relate, and my guess is (no crystal ball but I ibet I’m right!) that almost everyone here can relate.
The only thing you are describing though, is that I think you are still showing signs of either depression or PTSD (the lack of interest ini projects, things, goals, etc.) and I do suggest that if that is the case, that you get checked out for possible antidepression medication and/or some therapy.
Believe me, Tami, being a “professional” I sure as heck felt HORRIBLE on the WRONG SIDE OF THE CLIP BOARD. I was supposed to GIVE support, not for goodness sakes NEED IT.
WHAT WAS I THINKING? If anyone in the world NEEDED THERAPY and support it was me, while I was taking care of everyone else’s needs, no one, not even me, even noticed that I “vanished” before their eyes, that the REAL ME was an illusion. How could I take care of others when I couldn’t take care of me?
The encounter(s) with the psychopath(s) wounds us in many ways, not just financial, not just emotional, or mentally or physically, I even lost the ONE THING COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON, MY MIND!! My total recall, my instant wit, my ability to read fast with great comprehensiion, my ability to make judgments, solve problems…ME—GONE!
Between LF and therapy and pharmasutials, support and love, and ONE TIRED FOOT BEFORE THE OTHER when I didn’t want to get out of bed, I am not only ME now, but a better, truer, stronger, and WISER woman now. I still CRS (can’t remember stuff) but I can LAUGH about that now, and my friends and sons tell me “oh, that was soooo funny, the first five times you told it!” AND WE LAUGH NOT CRY.
I’m not “hibernating” and I’m not “isolating”–I am picking and choosing who I spend my prescious TIME with—I spend time with ME, I spend time with God, I spend time with those I love and that love me. I blog, I e mail, I spend time with my animals, I cuss the weather, I cook, I leave the dishes, I garden, but don’t always bother pulling the weeds if I don’t feel like it. I mow the yard, when I want to and don’t worry if I don’t want to. I walk, I run, I laugh, and sometimes I even cry—but each day I try to take time to see one spot of beauty, one funny thing, get a HUG from everyone I see and thank God for my blessings! Your post above is one of those blessings, Tami—thank you.