Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
thank you for sharing this, TNewman. Your post really touched me. you are a beautiful spirit and there is more, abundantly more energy for us to tap into to rebuilt ourselves. the vampires have no access to this (Godly) energy, so they prey on others. I think the real, beating heart is enough to give you the strength to go on and rebuild yourself as so many have done before us and sadly – more will do after us.
TNewman You are a gifted writer. You expressed yourself with such clarity. You have enough heart for anybody. I am right there with you as how you feel so empty and depleted. How can one individual take so much of us with them when they leave? I try to reconcile it to my dysfunctional childhood. I tell myself it was because I had no boundaries or selfworth and I invited bad people into my life, and knowing all these things now will prevent me from inviting another soul sucking vampire into my life. But what do I do about this last vampire, the one that has thankfully moved on but taken more part’s of me than I realized. Today I have been deep down and was avoiding posting, but thought I would come in and read a bit, that usually helps , and here is your post, expressing my mood. I am tired of feeling this way…
ps. TNewman – of all the ways two people can part ways, sometime death is the kindest…Write that book TNewman I will read it…
Ditto to EVERYTHNG Oxy and Henry said. I, too, can relate!
I, too, will read your book — and maybe someday you can read mine? It’s true, you are a very gifted writer as Henry stated.
Sorry, Henry, you are feeling so down. I just tapped you with my magic wand — POOF, bad feelings gone?
I am having very few down days now. I think God gave me these past 5 months of total inactivity — and PHYSICAL, not emotionL pain — to recover my lost self. Sure had lots of time for introspection – and intercessory prayer!
I just got home from the pharmacy and grocery store and I truly felt I was my “old” cheerful, outgoing self! It felt so GOOD. The clerks have become “friends” and even remember my name! I told the pharmacist that I have been feeling so invisible that her calling me by my name – and recognizing me — felt so rejuvenating. I think (know) she understood. That felt good, too.
Remember, that I have already been “out” for more than 7 years and it’s been about 4 years since the “end” of the unexpected nasty divorce JUNK. I’ve had more time to recover than you guys have. You’ll get there!
And realistically, I know I’ll have some slipbacks. We can guard each other’s backs, okay?
I know something of what he’s feeling. I have nightmares nearly every night and have been sleep-deprived long term. My health has been going downhill since June of 2008, when she decided she wanted out.
Sorry, I meant to add PInow on my DITTO comment to TNewman. I’m too tired to add more — way past my bedtime!
Thanks for everyone’s feedback and support. I reread the piece this morning and had an “Urkel” moment: “Did I write THAT?!” I’m actually feeling better this morning but yes, I have setbacks from time to time. I enjoy writing and appreciate those of you who feel that I have some talent in the area. Writing serves as a great release for me. Your compliments were very kind.
Dear Jeff,
Sleep deprivation and the night mares that cause them are a part of PTSD many times, and also depression. I’m not sure what your “story” is/was so only what you said about her leaving a year ago. When someone we care about leaves or dies, we have a normal grief process (at the very least) and if the loss was traumatic we may experience severe depression and/or PTSD. I suggest that if you are having a severe problem with these night mares and sleep deprivation, that you seek medical and psychological evaluation and treatment for this as soon as possible.
Stress caused by grief, PTSD, or other severe trauma cause many physical and psychological changes that are in the main not healthy. Take care of yourself first. God bless.
Hey there, you wonderful people!
Just wanted to add a little help to the gastro problems some of you are suffering from. The best remedy for heartburn, nausea, lack of hunger is that most wondrous of wonder drugs–Prilosec.
Trust me, believe me I would never push any type of drugs on anyone but my older sister is the one who recommended it to me when I suffered acute acid indigestion, vomiting and I was only able to stuff a few pieces of bread down my throat.
I was so sick and with my full blown high anxiety, it just made it worse. This all happened about 4 years ago and after taking the Prilosec for about 3 months, all the gastro problems vanished. Gone and I was able to eat solids, normal food.
And, Matt, Prilosec does the same thing as Nexium maybe even better and it’s also a heck of a lot cheaper.
I also had irritable bowel syndrome and Prilosec cured me of that also. I love those meds and there aren’t any side effects to worry about.
Now, I eat rather well. No probs and if I start to have heartburn or gas I go buy Prilosec. It IS a wonder drug.
Hope this helps!!
🙂
Hi all,
I am new here. Not sure what to say by means of an introduction. I have been reading here for a few weeks, I wasn’t sure what to say about my situation, and not sure where on the forum to jump in – but really want to give it a try so here goes.
I am 42, married with 2 teens, daughter and son. They are not S/P. But I have been on the Crazy Train twice now with two S’s, one about 7 years ago, for a little over a year, and one that was for just 12 weeks or so, and have been NC since May 12. I will try to keep the details brief (I tend to get wordy) because I know all of you know this story already.
My hesitation has to do also with that I know my story (or stories) really pales in comparison to what most of you have gone through in your lives. I was never sexually abused in any way, but my dad was very emotionally abusive (though not an S) I’m sure he has some kind of PD. Haven’t figured that one out yet. And my mom was the enabler in that, and while I was in high school she became an alcoholic. And by emotionally abusive, he had a horrible raging temper and would scream at us for something just about every day. And he would physically strike out, this more directed at my brother, who didn’t learn like I did to stay out of the way. Though I never did know when I might get smacked in the head or slapped or kicked in the butt, which to him passed as discipline. I think now that most of his emotions all convert to anger and rage, which I’ve heard can be physically addicting when that anger is vented.
My parents are still very much in my life, in fact they gave us a piece of land and we live next door to them. Dad’s anger is no longer directed at us as much now that we are adults (yes my brother lives just up the road also), and also there are now a son in law and daughter in law and grandchildren in the mix so he has learned to behave better. But it still breaks out now and then.
It’s only been through this second experience with a sociopathetic that my veneer’s have been stripped off (thanks to whoever wrote that article/post) and I am taking full inventory of myself to sort through why this happens to me and how to keep it from happening again.
I should say from the start that I have probably the most loving, caring, and supportive husband anyone has ever had. We have been married for 23 years. But, it hasn’t always been this good. This is a new thing due to S #2, who caused both of us to dig down to the bottom of our own barrels and figure out what’s been hanging out in there, getting putrid and rancid, and how to clean it out.
See, I chose my husband based on what my parents wanted. We were raised in a particular religious background/community – and only the right person would do for them. I had been disciplined (read smacked) on other occasions for dating the wrong people, but I desperately wanted to get out of the house – though I was afraid to at the same time. Does that make any sense? I didn’t go to college, cause I was so afraid to (though I was valedictorian)(I got good grades to avoid wrath). So all the kids my age went off to school, and there were 3 single guys left in my church, and I pursued the one I wanted. There are more details to this, but I’ll cut to the chase and say that because I have always been such a needy, dependant person, my GH (good husband) always had kind of a “pull back” reaction, and would spend a lot of time away from me doing other things – fishing, working side jobs, going to the gym, etc…which in themselves are good things to do, but he did them to the exclusion of me. So I learned to become independant myself, and took up my own activities – my horse, gardening, sewing, baking – and then the kids came along, and all this just got ratcheted up a notch.
To anyone else, nothing would seem amiss here. My mom would say, it’s so nice that GH has fishing as a hobby – so he can relieve his stress. In reality, GH was possibly THE most passive person in the world, and hardly had any personal stress – very laid back, very kind to others, if you hit him with your truck he would get up (or say from his position on the ground) are YOU OK? And, given the beliefs of the Christian community we were in – such a huge value is placed on contentment, I stuffed whatever complaints I had and made myself thankful that he wasn’t like my father.
Bring on S#1. I was doing home daycare at the time. This guy was a single dad, new to our church, and needed daycare for his 3 yr old boy. Again, I will try to be brief cause you all know how this goes. Initially, I was his God-send. Lively conversations every day at drop off and pick up. I have an interest in Theology and he wanted to become a pastor. I was brilliant, I answered all his questions. Then, conversations everyday were not enough, he was emailing me every night. What do you know, I developed feelings for this guy – and decided to tell him in a note. He was happy! Not the reaction I expected. And it wasn’t happy because he loved me too. Well, he did, the word flew around like confetti, but no parade – always qualifying it to be only in the “Christian” sense, but just thinly veiled enough to give me hope. I now see that my feelings gave him ammunition. He could play me like a fish. I suddenly became not so brilliant. He could use my shame to verbally slap me. I would withdraw, not speak. He would woo me back. I’d express feelings. He’d slap me down. Rinse, repeat.
I became depressed. I already had some depression, that was under control, but now it got worse, and I had my first and only manic period. I started composing poetry. Compulsively. I could bang out a 10 stanza poem with perfect rhyme and meter in about 10 minutes. I couldn’t sleep – I would sneak out of bed around 12, get on the computer, answer emails, write poems stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning, go back to bed, wake up at 6, and still feel like I had 12 cups of coffee. I went back to my psychiatrist. Of course, I told her nothing of this guy. She prescribed an anti-psychotic.
Then a younger, single girl in the church dropped her finance. I was chopped liver. Dropped like a rock. I suddenly also realized this pattern of behavior with me. So I told my husband. He had words with S#1. But being very passive, it was all, thank you for not taking advantage of my wife, we can still be friends, blah blah. And the next day, S#1 calls me up and says “nothing has changed, my feelings are the same” WHAM! Baseball bat to my head. I sent him an angry letter. S#1 printed out every email we had ever written and gave to my GH as proof of his innocence and my guilt (supposedly). We got church involved. He left the church. But then, for almost another year, would drive by our house almost daily – when there was no need for him to do that.
I was suddenly relieved of most of my depression and manic behavior. I went back to Psychiatrist, who told me if I hadn’t made any improvement by this appointment, she was going to admit me to the Phych ward. Gulp. Oh yeah, his pity play was that he was bravely fighting for custody of his son from his drug addicted mother, who refused to pay him child support. In this way he won over the whole church. From us he got at least a couple free meals a week, eventually free day care, and a loan. And the freedom to play with my mind. He even suggested that we turn our basement into an apartment for him. He did eventually pay back the loan, but told us to sue the mother for day care expenses.
Obviously, I did not do the work and learn the lesson from this. Fast forward to the present. I was contacted on FB by a guy I had met over 25 years ago when I was 15. Friend of a friend, we exchanged phone #’s, but I was not allowed to date him as my dad pitched a hissy fit because he was Catholic. So he finds me on FB and we enjoy exchanging notes on the past. He was also married, for the same amount of time, with two kids, same as us. We became FB friends and started IMing in the evenings and mornings. You know this story. Only this time, when I expressed feelings, those feelings were returned. Right. He lived(s) in the same town. So we met once in a parking lot. We made out like we were teens again. But eventually, my body/mind told me it could not cope with this level of adulterous deception, and one day at work I passed out. I told S#2 about it, and we met again the next day. It had been 4 weeks since our first meeting. (He had not suggested any more meetings, but his IM’s and emails were getting more and more intense.) I was giving him one last chance to try and make this something I could “live” with, something to help me carry on. Epic fail!! We made out again. Tell me what you think was really behind the following things he said: “Do you know what I would do to you?” “I will always be RIGHT HERE” (both whispered in my ear) “I am making a list of my favorite things about you — one of them is, you do tend to get quite sassy with me” And the piece de resistance “will you be there for me when I get home from work tonight (meaning on computer).
Of course I said I would. And I was. But he was nowhere to be found. I checked compulsively all night.
I decided then that you do not get a second chance to play with my mind. I broke it off with him, though at this point I still knew nothing about Sociopaths, and it was more of a process since I didn’t know the value of NC. And I confessed to my GH, who so wonderfully sat by me for a whole weekend while I cried. And for quite a few more days after that. I missed him so much. While we were “together” everything else in my life had faded to black and white. I fell for all the flattery and attention. He even seemed interested in Theology and horses. Well, I could have told him I was interested in the migratory patterns of earthworms, and he would have thought it was fascinating.
It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I happened to see the TV show with Danielle Steele where she talked about her new book about a sociopath. WHAM! Another baseball bat to the head. I did some computer research – found this forum, and everything makes sense now. Both guys fit all the criteria to a T. It was liberating, fascinating, and frightening all at once.
And now that I realize that in both instances I was a victim, I have been able to pry the lid off of all the stuff inside of me that has kept me vulnerable. When I confessed S#2 to my GH, I was SO ANGRY. I was still ready to run away with S#2, if he would have come to get me. (I invited him to do so at least 3 times – he would not). I was angry with GH, angry w/ my parents, angry at the church (we had just been through a bad situation at church because I believe (now) that the pastor is a Narcissist) angry with my whole life that I felt had kept me under it’s thumb and like a 12 year old. But, surprisingly, not yet angry with S#2.
I have come so far, we have come so far, GH & I, but I still struggle. Struggle with missing S#2, which then makes me upset with myself. Struggling that something that only lasted a few months could still keep me struggling. Struggling with feeling like life is boring and empty without the drama. That I don’t love GH enough, for as much as he has endured with me, supported me, has changed for me. He now admits that he put everything and everyone else in his life ahead of me. And now I am number 1. And now he is not afraid of me, like he was before. We both thought that whatever we had was as good as it was gonna get. I still struggle with, will I be strong enough if S#2 makes another attempt to contact me. He still lives nearby. We could run into each other at Stuffmart.
So there’s my story. Sorry it is so long. But I am sure whatever anyone might have to say about it will be extremely helpful. And maybe I will be able to help someone else.