Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Dear Cutandrun,
Learning is a life long process I think if we continue to grow and gain wisdom.
What your S#2 said doesn’t make any sense to me, sometimes they, I think, don’t even know what they mean. The thing I keep in mind is “how do you tell if an S is lying? THEIR LIPS ARE MOVING. Everything they do, everything they say is part of a con to get whtever it is that they want.
They want (I think) for us to “pine” for them after they have discarded us, they are the center of their wold and they want to be the center of our world too, even if they dont’ want us, they want us to want them. DUH! LOL Many times they come back and try to re-hook us years later even.
Making changes in our lives and situations is an individual thing. What is right, and at the RIGHT time for ME, may not be for others. The ONE thing that is common is that we must do what is right for US. We have to learn to decide what kind of treatment from others we will tolerate, set boundaries and enforce them.
I have become aware that I was also enabling of the psychopaths and others, and I have worked on stopping that behavior, adjusting MYSELF…and not focused on changing (or trying to) others, yet at the same time, holding them accountable for their own responsibilities.
It has all been a SLOW (and painful) process as more and more of my own issues have risen. It started out learning about the psychopaths, but has become learning about ME. Improving me, nurturing my spirituality, making better judgments, better decisions, etc. In some cases I realize now “why” I made the decisions I did, because “normal” for me was allowing FOG to be my moral compass. Now, I am working on getting out of the FOG and seeing mroe clearly.
None is so blind as he who WILL NOT see.
None of us have 20:20 fioresight and all have 20:20 HIND sight, but learning from your mistakes is a start on wisdom.
My prayers and good wishes for you as you journey this difficult road toward healing. God bless you.
OxDrover and ALL
This is something I posted in one of our other blogs….my views.
The caotic world that sociopaths created for themselves ended up in a caotic world for those who have crossed their path or being close to them . They instigate rage, hatrated and an umballanced view of life on those who have been in contacted with them. People feel angry, extremely hurt, very vulnerable, with very low self-steem, frustated, extremely vulnerable and with this huge need of airing their pain and grief. Blames roll freely, misinterpretation abounds and if we are not carefull to preserve ourselves we will end up all mad.
This is the world that a sociopath wishes to impose on us, the victms. If we allow this to happen the sociopaths will succeed.
I have been a victm of a S, as well as my 2 children. We lived through it for over 22 years. Finally in despair I managed to break free. Broke free from his physical presence but the hurt continued. Not understanding what I lived through and cultivating all those feelings above described I started my road to recovery. Investigating, reading, researching and thinking a lot and reading all your posts. Through this process I am coming to the conclusion that sociopaths are a result of an unhealth upbringing. To survive they learn how to lie, how to manipulate to overcome the adversities that life brough upon them. They are also the fruits of environments (family) that display traits of sociopaths.
I believe they do not realise what they are doing and do not understand the reasons of their doings, why they are what they are, although they have conciense of what they are doing is not socially acceptable. That is why they have to hide their actions and deceive many people. Somehow deep down they feel ashame of themselfes but they do not have regrets or remorse because they have not learnt what are those feelings. They grow up develeping those skills manipulating, lying, deceiving, robing , using others for their own advantage and survival because they did not learn how to be dignified human beings, and at an adult stage they are very good at what they do.
If happens that the person with all those traits are also a handsome person they also learn how to use their charm and physicall appeal. And that is a lethal combination for someone who falls for them. The S will have a ball”until the day you decide to declare war and jump out from the plane.
Then the S will feel violated and will dishe out his final blow to the victm. And then we all become what we are today. People trying to survive the atrocities of a sociopath. And the sociopath will find greener pastures to start all over again.
Once we develop this awareness I believe we find our cure. The greater our awareness the lesser a chance a sociopath will demage us again, and the S themselves will stay away from us.
And in their pursuit of fame and grandour, once they can not fool us anymore, they start saying bad things about us to make them look good and us the bad ones. But I can assure you they know our values but do not have enough courage to admit to us. (in my case I have proof that the S was the first one to admit and stood up for me saying “she is very intligent, has a lot of power and is uncapable of hurting a fly). This was said by him when he felt ttheathened by a situation far away from me and which I was not supposed to know. (that was also an indication that he was and still have ILLUSION of one day coming back to us).
My point is, I am feeling really strong and at 95% at peace knowing what I know today and I have no bad feelings towards the S which one day tried to destroy me, my life and the life of his own 2 children. I feel nothing, not even sorry for him..and this is a good place to be in.. So the more awareness we develop, the stronger we become.
Brilhancy, Thank you for sharing that with us. I really appreciate your time and wisdom in giving this post. If you can tell me, or can expand on how you have come to the place where you said you feel nothing? You said you have no bad feelings for him any longer. You “are” in a wonderful and peaceful place! I am grateful that you have come so far in your healing journey. It gives us all much hope.
Sabrina,
For a very long time I was feeling absolutely lost and taking one hour after the next. This one hour kept getting longer 2 hours, two days, two years and as the time was passing by I was concentrating in preserving what was left and raising the children in a foreign country without family or friends to support me. I had my career but with the S screwing up my mind, soul, finances and relationship with the children, I had to resign and give part of my money to him. He left with my acceptance and no separation.Later on I found out he was with another woman. I sad nothing to the children or did not react. This while I was without a job, a huge mortgae, debts to pay (made by him) and 2 children finishing College and starting Uni. I cried a lot but I knew I had sthength to lift my self again. I knew he was eventually coming back but he was waiting for me to fall apart so he could validate himself and believing that I would never found out about the othr women. Never said one word to the children what I was going through and just ask them to concentrate on their part (studying) and I was concentrating in my part..house, food and a new job. After two years doing consultancy work I managed to have a permanet Position again in my field ( I am an economist). Through this time I was very confused and I could not make sense of anything. As I was working and the children studying our attention started being diverted to other things..buying a new car, kids graduating and having their successful careers and my assests growing. I also made a few investments which gave me good profits. In this way we start seeing our lifes improving ten times from what it was before.. We became happy people and no more fights in the house and no more lack of money. This made us very proud of ourselves. But I was also missing the company from the man I learned to loved.
And I never bad mouthed the father with no one not even the children.. With time and the S vanished he became a loughing stock. He just proof to everybody that knew him (and who though he was a great guy) who he really was. I WAS THE GREAT GIRL. Not even the children want to talk to him after all those years (7 years now). My point is if we concentrate in our lives and built our lives we succeed and the S will scrumble. They (the Ss) stay from a distance waiting for us to fall in pieces. then they will validate themselves. If we do not give our energy to them but to ourselves (with a lot of pain) we will get the results that we want and that the S hate eg; we become successfull people.When you get in this position you feel good really good and you do not care what happens to him and you do not even think about him. Time heels all wonds but we have to help ourselves..
And then you realised what you had was just an illusion…and you feel glad he is gone. You become aware the if you stayed with them for certainly you will die young.
And what a felling knowing that he destroyed his life and is a clown in everybody’s eyes that knew him. To survive he had to disapear from everyones site. And ofcourse to a new place where no one, but no one knows anything about him. It will be just a matter of time before the mascarade come to light again and he is getting old, ugly and poor. After the mess they live behind there is only one place for them..to hide and hide and keep running. and you become stronger and stronger .
Mind you, after 5 years he contacted me trying to find out what happened with my finances (not what happen or how were the children) .. I showed no emotions and said ..very well.. nothing else. Then he said: the children never call me. I said: there are no children here anymore..they are adults and already finished their UNI and have their own careers…he asked me: is there anything else you want to say?… I replied no…I wish you well . . and he rang up..
With all the knowlwdge you have now you are in the position to make this happen..it is just a meter of time..
To JaneSmith:
Thanks for shering info about medication. I am suffering huge pains caused from Stress ulcerations in stomac and i was taking Ranitidine, but it doesnt stop.
Could Prilosec/Nexium be taken with antidepresant?
Thanks in advance!
Brilhancy,
Your story represents sadness strength and success…the aftermath of a relationshp with a Sociopath. Thank you for sharing.
You said
“With all the knowledge you have now you are in the position to make this happen…it is just a matter of time” — we have to put our words into action…all that we share and all that we advise we have to take that step when we are ready to cut the connection completely.
If we have the knowledge that secretly they are waiting for us to falter, to fail — then all we really have to do is forward strong and create our own happiness again. JUST GO FORWARD, after we have done all the work and acceptance and continued healing….Go forward from the illusion into reality – our lives will and can always be fulfilling and rewarding — their lives will always be lived by draining other peoples resources , souls, and lives.
Its our choice..letting go completely and relying on ourselves completely….We just have to make it! Thanks again for sharing your journey. Its very inspirational and uplifting!
“With all the knowledge you have now you are in the position to make this happen”it is just a matter of time” we have to put our words into action”all that we share and all that we advise we have to take that step when we are ready to cut the connection completely.
LTL and Brilliancy you are on a springboard! I hope I get there soon.xxx
I am in the picking apart and putting in place stage STILL! and its tiring. I cant wait for the feeling I get from you, LTL, where it’s time to stop and get on with me.xxx
Big loves.
Thornbud,
Yes, you can take Prilosec with anti-depressants. I was on them for a while after overcoming generalized anxiety because I was still suffering residual depression. No matter how hard I tried to get better naturally, it didn’t work and I chose to take a low dosage of Paxil for about a year.
I’ve been taking the 14 day Prilosec regime for over 4 years now, on and off. It works big time. It is the bomb for many types of gastro intestinal problems. I was skeptical when my sister recommended it to me as I was so sick but within a month or two of taking it everyday (it’s ok to take longer than the 14 day in the beginning. Helps keep the acid production way down), I felt fine.
Believe me, I can drink coffee, wine, even eat pizza ocassionally and my belly is serene. But I must admit that I no longer worry about the small things in life. Heck, I don’t worry about anything any more. To me, worrying does not solve problems only creates more.
So, stress free life plus Prilosec ocassionally= Tranquility!!…haha.
Hope this helps you, sweetie. You can also ask the pharmacist or a physician and they should give you further information regarding Prilosec and how beneficial it may be for you.
🙂
Prilosec is a safe medication, THAT SAID, (putting on my MEDICAL HAT HERE GUYS) sometimes the pain we feel in our stomachs is an indication of SOMETHING WORSE and the prilosec can MASK that pain while the “somethign worse” gets WORSE.
If gastro pain continues for an “extended” period of time (say a month or more) even if prilosec helps, I would get evaluated by a GI Doc to be sure that there is nothing worse lurking there. sometimes people “self diagnose” (my step father was THE worst!!!) but a medical professional can get to the bottom of the problem before it becomes lethal.
We all know, too, that stress can make problems worse, and that stress can dampen down our immune system. Stomach (gastric) ulcers are caused by a bacteria BUT stress makes our immune system crap out, so stress IS connected with ulcers, though not just a single cause. However, gastric pain CAN be a symptom of gastric or esophageal ulcers and while the prilosec dampens down the pain, the CONDITION GETS WORSE and could even lead to having a BLEEDING ULCER. If you do have ulcers, there is a simple oral treatment for them (which includes an antibiiotic) and presto, they are quickly gone. So get a MEDICAL CHECK UP if you are hving continuaol, severe or prolonged pain that doesn’t “self cure” without medications that are OTC (over the counter).
Nursie hat off. ((((hugs)))) Love Oxy
Yes, Oxy, absolutely.
I was told I might have an ulcer so I had the endoscopic procedure done on me. I was terrified while laying there waiting for my turn, but once I was in the surgerical room and those fancy, smancy “you will feel no pain and remember nothing” drugs were put in my arm…poof, not even a bit scary.
Turns out, no ulcer just extreme gastritis. Hence, the taking of Prilosec. It worked for me.
So, yeah, if any of you are having righteous bouts of pain, vomiting, even bleeding (eek!) visit a physician first before self-medicating.
Thanks, Nurse Oxy or should I say…thanks, Nurse Ratched (one flew over the cuckoos’ nest)…haha, jk sweetie pateety.
😉