Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days ”¦ but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be”¦ the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
Janie, sweetie, I have been called “Nurse Rachet” by more than one patient! LOL I even threatened (Jokingly) to move in with a patient who would not keep on his diabetic diet! LOL So actually I take that as a COMPLIMENT, and especially from you!!!! LOL
My step father (bless his heart!) self diagnosed the eye pain of ACUTE GLAUCOMA as “sinus pain” and was taking benadryl (OTC) which made the eye worse and almost cost him is SIGHT in that eye. THANK GOD he called me before he let it go on too long and we saved his sight and his eye.
PAIN is a great indicator and symptom that SOMETHING IS WRONG, and should not be taken lightly. Not that I am saying go to the MD with every ache and pain all the time, but if something is severe or goes on very long, SEE A DOCTOR.
My egg donor had numbness and weakness in her left side of the body for 12 hours “thinking it would go away” CLASSIC STROKE SYMPTOMS that anyone should know, and she went into DENIAL, fortunately not a lot of damage was done, but could have been for sure.
Stroke used to be a thing we could do nothing about so it was not an “emergency” but now that there is a treatment for CERTAIN kinds of stroke, it is an emergency and the patient must be seen and diagnosed and treated within the first 3 hours of signs developing.
So, anyway, just need to be cautious if you have continuing pain or signs of things that might be worse. CAUTION!!! (((hugs))))
AnewLily:
I can’t find your post where you asked me about ‘who’ I am.
I want to clarify to you that NO, I am not ‘HER’…..Erin Brockovich.
I have been struck by her tenacity and I can connect with her drive. My friends refer to me as EB, so I thought it would be the perfect blog name.
It has become an ‘inside reference’ around my neck of the woods.
Oh, no…..she’s going EB on them! Don’t mess with EB…..and such!
So, no I am not her, the ‘real’ EB……I am me. Me only, me someone who will fight for my rights, stand up for justice and see things through to the end, no matter the uphill climb. I will not ever give up my definition of ‘right is right and wrong is wrong’.
Just to clarify.
EB, beautiful “clarification.” Thanks. I love how your friends
I’m “with” you being struck by her tenacity and drive. I only saw the one TV hour-long interview but I was totally impressed with her.
Once upon a time, I also had “tenacity” and “drive.” Will I get it back after I totally recover from this past two years of ill health and injury? That’s the question!
I agree. It is a perfce blog name for you.
Actually, so is mine for me I used to be “Lily but after leaving EX, I bloomed! (My real name is not Lily.)
Oops. lost part of a sentence
I love how your friends addres you!
ANL:
YEs, you never lost it……
If I can conquor what I have…..anyone can…..what makes me so special……
We are all special, we all can be whatever we want…….We need to gather up our balls and use them!!!!
NO, am I the same person prior to my strokes and cancer……Not a bit…..I have way less energy, more heath fears, I get my but kicked every day!!!!! By my own body….
BUT…..darn it……NO ONE, not even me……is gonna keep me down. Being ‘fetal in the corner’ is not any way to live…..
So the only option is to come out with both guns drawn…..we can always place them in he holster if we need to!!!!!
Get your tenacity and drive back NOW…..this will help you recover……Allow it to come back, call on it……if you ask, it will come!!!!!
Take care of your precious LILY and let it divide and cover the gardens…..
You can do it! It takes the right mindset and kicking your own butt!!!
XXOO
Brilhancy, thank you for your two posts that describe your journey and eventual success. Indeed, very inspirational to the rest of us.
Jane Smith, I thank you, too, for describing your experience with the endoscopy!!! I have to have one on July 11 — along with another colonoscopy and have been trying not to worry about it. I had developed a severe case of iron deficiency anemia and they said tests indicated something about bleeding inside causing it.
I am very independent, like to do thngs myself, so was unhappy when told I had to have somone take me to and from the procedure! I suggested a taxi and the doctor and assistant almost jumped up and down saying “No. No” The GI said I’d be so out of it that a taxi driver could overtake me, rob me and toss my body on the side of the road.
Well, I didn’t even have to ask for help. Yesterday, a neighbor called to check on me and before the conversation ended, she had volunteered to take me, stay for the procedures, and then bring me home.
A reminder that really we don’t need to “worry” about anything!
The GI (last Friday) did give me two week samples of Align for my stomach pain. With the first pill (one a day) I felt relief. Now after 6 days of taking it, I had a maravelous surprise. I can fasten the top button of my shorts! The doctor said that my “inflated” abdomen (and waist) was due to bloated gas!
Align is over the counter and about $30 for a month supply. (Also available online, even Amazon.com) How does that cost compare with Prilosec?
After reading EB’s response to me, I reread my post. I hadn’t just missed part of one sentence, but two. (I don’t know what happened because I know I typed the full sentences!)
I used to be “Lilybud” (my daddy’s favorite name for me — because in his eyes I was a tender flower ready to bloom into adulthood). No one knew this so I felt it was an appropriate screenname. Then it bacame “LilyBlossom” and then “A New Lily” as I progressed in healing.
Names are interesting — because they are so personal, I guess. At one college in which I taught, my co-workers called me “Mother Teresa” because I befriended the downtrodden students. I was terribly embarrassed to be called that. The real Mother Teresa was way beyond me!
Lily is a beautiful name. I named my two doxy’s Lily and Posey. I have acres of Lily’s, always looking for ANEWLILY to plant. Lilly’s of the Feild is one of my favorite movies. My father’s mother (my grandmother that I never met) was named Lilly, she died of TB back in the ’30s..the X and I would dig up lilly’s at old abandoned homesteads and go to farmers market etc. That first spring after he left I mowed em down and dug some up..But now they bloom to remind me life goes on…
ANewLily, learnthelesson, blueskies and Sabrina
I also learnt that the only thing a S lives for is to torment others. They are very weak people with big egos. Our caracter, honesty, love and caring nature boders them very much. They are extremely envious of our qualities because they do not posses them and they do not know what is to feel them (can you imagine a life without those feelings?) and in silence they want us to be as bad as them. So they keep tormenting us but also they do not want let us go. That is when they manipulate our emotions. The elastic …I will hurt you but I will not loose you… We are the sponge that they drain their nectar to survive.
And they know when we are weak and vulnerable and in need. than they will deny any thing to us…to hurt us. but as soon as they feel theathened, probably thinking that we will leave them they start becoming nice to us again until they have us back in their trust ..then they start again and again ..this cycle goes on for the entire time you live with them. and it gets more violent with time. everytime is a bit worse then the one before..and they have a lot of pleasure seeing us suffering and confused. Life with them is not worth one minute of our existence….they are a waste of space and do not worth the air that they breath.
They have no ideals in life, no goals, no intention of doing any good deeds in life. They are snakes, cameleons hiden behind their camuflages waiting for the next bite..they serve no purpose in life. When you realise all this you will feel so relieved that you scape from this alien creature. They are not humans…only in apearance. They have a corrupted soul, and they are capable of the worse things we can ever imagine.
But we only see this after we free ourselves from them. If they were bad when leaving with us they will get even worse once they leave us ..they will try to hurt us even more .
They love the power game… the love to see us in pain… The best lesson I learnt is to dismiss them completelly.
Don’t try to argue, to reason to be civilised. They do not know what those things are. The more you try to negotiate with them you are feeding their seek ego. DISMISS THEM completely. THEY HATE THAT. If there are children involved forget about pension or child maitenance They have a great pleasure in denying that to you. Give bread and water to the kids ..they will be better off. If you have to, give everything and run..
Forget about courts ..the legal system will drain the little bit you have left and also your energy. GIVE and run and DISMISS. That approac worked very well for me and my children .. we never ask for 1 cent and I even never mentioned child support. HERE IS THE MONEY you want and do whatever you want but never come back crying because once you are gone from this door your name will never be mentioned again..
Until our Judges, our Courts and our systems understand what is a Sociopath and what they do. we will be wasting our time precious time in life. The S have no life and no goals, so time spent in Court and fighting gives them a lot of pleasure because they know you have your mind still hoocked on them. They stil have control over you , your souls and your mind. DO NOT GIVE THEM this pleasure.
Now I believe we should all really work hard for the education of professionals on what is a Sociopath and the devastation they cause on other peoples lives.
Wwhen we start seeing a bit more of justice we can go and seek justice but right now it is not worth. unles someone dies.
Henry, I think you just saved my life with, “But now they bloom to remind me life goes on.”
This afternoon, for the very first time in my life, I didn’t want to live anymore!! I even sat in the car in my garage with the door closed — but didn’t turn on the car!! I couldn’t do it!
I don’t even have the energy to explain what happened this afternoon — just after I last posted. In a way, Brilhancy described it anyway — and as this article title says, “When the pain caused by a sociopath doesn’t stop…” Actually, her first sentence, ” ……the only thing a S lives for is to torment others” says it ALL.
WHY can’t he leave me alone????????? His torment is always “out of the blue’ and this is no exception.
Granted I am very ill and haven’t had much strength for months but today WAS TOO MUCH.
My heart is broken! My adult children are NOT safe from him when they contact me — and me contact them!! I’ve known this for seven years but nothing I have done has been able to undo the parental alienation, that supposedly is a bogus theory! It sure isn’t “bogus” to me. I’m the victim of it and remain one as this afternoon showed!!!!!
I don’t want to be a victim. I’ve worked hard to avoid that label.
Thanks for listening and maybe saying a few prayers for me but please don’t worry about me!! I have a scheduled doctor’s appointment tomorrow afternoon and I’ll discuss this with her.
I think for my children’s safety I am going to HAVE to go NC with them again — for their sake. I couldn’t stand to lose them to death!!!!!!!!!!!!